needy

My death has been on my mind for the last week and a half. I know financially and emotionally my husband needs me. I don’t trust his taste in women anyway. I know he’ll be “okay” after a couple of years. Miguel will be close to being an adult by the time he starts dating again. He’s sick currently so I can’t bother him with my thoughts.He’s bad enough he restarted meds. He’s probably thinking the same things.So the only people I have right now is you guys, Sorry I’m so needy. I don’t have a plan just a desire not to wake up in the mornings/afternoon. I’m sleeping as much as I can. I’m really hating second guessing myself. He’s always there for me. Why can’t I be there for him? My T and I made a safety plan Thursday. I think all the pdoc or T is going to say is to take more meds. I don’t want more meds. I want to learn how to be a “normal” human being. I need hobbies, and exercise but I won’t even leave the house alone because someone may be watching me or hurt me. Last T appointment I realized how unwell I still am after 6 months. I’ve been at this clinic for a year now. About 3 months with this T. I need a way to safely destruct. I don’t even remember the last time I showered I need to do laundry before showering. I was supposed to order Miguel’s books for school that starts in two weeks. Instead I’m sitting here feeling bad I’m alive.

I go through some of this, too.
I am sorry you are in this place. It can be exhausting.
You have good insight into what you need in order to find balance in your life.
I am glad you and your T made a safety plan.
You have been very strong. I hope you have the strength to continue to find your way to wellness.

WC

I am sorry that you are having these feelings right now. Have hope that you will feel better. Tomorrow is another day.If you take a shower first then you won't have to worry about running out of hot water!
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

It's really too bad you refuse to go to IOP it could really help with that thinking.

I don't think IOP could help me with my second guessing things. There's no Pdoc in IOP. I'm just so ****en tired. I have to do so much for this coming year starts and I've done nothing. I still have to sign my lease again. We're suppose to have a teachers meeting tomorrow and I haven't been out of bed before 2 pm for awhile. I'm so scared my paranoia will kick up with the start of the school year. I wish things were easier. It's not like things are bad or difficult it's us that's the problem.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Remember to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Take it one small step at a time. It can get better. I hope you start feeling better soon. Thinking of you.

Actually that's what IOP is for, changing and challenging thinking habits and behaviors.

It's true. I've been through IOP twice with the last one being in 2010. It only lasts a few hours a day and helped get me out of deep, suicidal depressions.

New T hasn't suggested it but school starts soon and I'd have no ride anyway. I don't teach the classes but I organize them for my husband to teach them. I can't teach children they make me nervous. I only see her every two weeks or less depending on our schedule. Now that School starts I'll see T less. I'm dealing, not well, but I'm alive and I don't have any plans to change that. T wants me to work on my blog but writing things make them real and I can't bring myself to do that.

I'm doing better today but my husband keeps telling me to calm down. I'm not even worried about my thoughts aligning, there not dark thoughts. I took a shower last night and did some laundry. Maybe I'm really slipping and can't see it.

Good luck along this slippery slope....
((((HUGS))))
bizi