Nurse called back

Im glad your hopefully getting something to help for sleep as we all know if our sleep goes wonky our Bipolar rears its ugly head.

Yes paying that small amount out of pocket makes more sense this month than waiting on you insurance to get there backside in gear.

Insurance companies do anything to not have to pay for meds that are needed

I took the trazadone and slept almost eight hours all the way through. Only a slight "hangover" in the morning. Today I am high as hell and it's awesome. I'm going shopping after work. I have an idea to get a new piercing but I won't have time to go to the shop and get my son on time. Another day! Maybe when I'm not so hypo.

I see my nurse again tomorrow. If I'm still high she's going to increase vraylar. I just hope it doesn't go back to mixed tomorrow. Maybe I'll even be calm. Don't care! I'm enjoying myself now.

Rock on!

I really miss being hypo. I am steady as the ship goes.

It was fun for awhile but now I've switched to more mixed. I'm pissed. I'm rage cleaning but so mad it's not helping. This house is a horrible wreck and I hate living here. When I was in my own place I kept it clean, not spotless but clean enough. My mom's house is so bad that my sister in law told me she will never bring her baby here when it's born. Do you know how awful that made me feel? But I try and I try and everything is ****** within 24 hours. Everything looks horrible. I need to find a babysitter for my son but I'm embarrassed to have anyone over my house whom I don't know personally and can certify that they won't judge.

**** man I'm so angry.

I'm gonna go rage clean some more. Maybe I'll just start throwing all my mom's useless **** out, that will go over well.

100mg of trazadone, 5mg of melatonin, and 5 valerian root capsules later....and I still can't ****ing sleep. What the ****. My mind won't stop going on and on. Not even anything significant. ****ing ********, seriously.

I don't know how I'll be tomorrow. Hypo or just exhausted from not sleeping enough. Although if I fall asleep soon I still have a chance at 7 hours. That's not so bad.

I can't even get up and do anything because I feel drugged. My nurse said I could take up to 150mg of trazadone but I'm afraid I won't be able to wake up in the am if I take another 50mg. If I can't sleep Friday night I will.

Seeing nurse again tomorrow. Pretty sure she's going to increase vraylar. Dosing is between 3 and 6mg for bipolar. Only on 1.5mg right now. She wants to put me back on invega if this doesn't work. Good, I'll just be fat forever. That's great. And have high prolactin and damage my bone density. Get diabetes. Have EPS. Good times.

gonna try to sleep again.

Woo I'm hypo still! I can't stop smiling and I'm dancing around. This should be a fun day at work! I hope it doesn't switch to rage like it did yesterday.

Have my pnurse today at 3, she will probably be running behind and make me wait until 4 to see her. Ah well just as well bc I would probably go out and shop again and that's not good for my bank account.

I wish I could go to the park and swing! I love swinging. I know it's weird to see a thirty year old swinging but so much fun! Maybe my son will want to go to the park after camp.

I'll stop talking.

I love swinging! I do it all the time when we go to the park. Have fun!

Enjoy work & the swing afterwards!

I tried to go on the swings but there were kids playing on them :-( I couldn't deprive kids of the joy. I felt like I NEEDED to be on the swings but it's all good.

I am much higher than yesterday. Work was a DRAG. We watched a movie and I couldn't pay attention because of the music looping through my head and I felt so damn restless sitting there for an hour and a half. I made it through but DAMN.

I'm starting to think my energy is connected to other people. In that when I'm around people they absorb some of my energy and keep me down. Like I can almost see the energy leaving my body and being absorbed. It's kind of disconcerting. Because I want to keep my energy on the one hand but on the other I want to share the joy I feel with others. So if they can absorb some and feel happy I'm down with it.

I'm thinking that might not be quite right but it's how I feel. Which is how I know I'm higher than I was yesterday. Which means there is a SPECTACULAR crash in my future. But maybe not? Maybe the vraylar will work and I can land safely without going mixed again. It's the mixed that scares me. This is awesome.

I'm sitting in my nurses office and I'm honestly not sure what to tell her. I want to tell her I'm great but I'm so afraid of the mixing possibility! So I guess I have to tell her how high I am. She's not gonna like it. She thinks manic episodes are a horrible thing. She doesn't give a damn about my depression but lord don't let me get manic!

I feel like writing something. I guess that's why I'm babbling here.

I can't sit here for a god damn hour but she just took an initial eval back and she spends forever with them. So I guess I'm just gonna sit.

Hypomania is fun. I'm not going to lie - I miss it sometimes, but the crash is always difficult. I can also relate to doctors and NPs not seeming to care if you're depressed but God forbid you get slightly "elevated" and talk a little too rapidly...ugh. Good luck with the NP.

I hear you on the docs not caring about depression but wanting to squash mania. I complained to my last doc about being constantly mildly depressed. He said, "I'd rather have it this way than the other way around." WTF.

I hope you level out soon. Is it safe to work with children in your current state? I don't mean to be discriminatory, just wondering. (((Hugs)))

Omg that was the FUNNIEST pnurse meeting I have ever had. She was flipping out and for some reason I thought it was hysterical! That's so ****ed up of me. I couldn't stop laughing. She could tell I was out of my mind so I didn't really need to say anything. I don't know why I thought it was so funny. Anyway she increased the vraylar and wants me to start on depakote. Immediately. Like 500mg right off the bat.

I don't care. I took depakote fifteen years ago. The only thing I remember was being pissed off all the time but that could have been my situation. I was living in a group home at the time. I'll try it again. She says it'll make me sleep. I don't see that happening. But maybe.

She said she wanted to call my mom but I refused to let her. My mom just gets all bent out of shape. She's not helpful. It just brings me back to childhood which I do not need. She told me to go to the ER if it gets worse but I'm not doing that. Unless I get psychotic. But even then I won't. I've been out of the hospital 2 years! I'm not going back. I got **** to do. And I can't traumatized my son like that. Obviously if I feel unsafe I will go but I think I'll be ok.

She wanted to see me Thursday again but she had no appointment available so I dunno when I'm going to see her again. I have her cell phone number in case of emergency though.

By the way my energy theory is holding true. I picked up my son and he's leaching the energy right out. I'm getting irritable instead of elated.

I'm able to hide it really well. I'm not impulsive when it counts. Yeah maybe I drive too fast and maybe I spend money, but I don't lash out at people. And I'm not delusional yet. So I'm ok to be at work. Thanks for your concern though. I appreciate it!

I'm glad you can control your impulse and that you are safe. Watch your driving speed if you can. Keep doing what you're doing as it sounds like you've got this. (((Hugs)))

Be very careful. Hopefully there is someone close to you to moniter your moods. I know for me there is a fine line between hypo and full on psychotic mania.

My son stole all my energy. Now I'm exhausted. I just took 150mg trazadone, 10mg melatonin, and five valerian root capsules in an attempt to go to sleep early. I have a headache from clenching my jaw all day.

Pharmacy never let me know my script was ready so I guess they didn't get the call-in. So no depakote for me today. But I did take the increased vraylar. We will see. I will miss the mania. It was fun. But I guess it's not good for me.

Edit:
Kinda freaking out. I can't get the energy theory out of my head. It's freaking me out. I would write about it but it makes me sound a little crazy.

Nurse just called and said she just called in the depakote. Well it's too late now. I can't drive. I'm drugged. So I'll have to get it tomorrow. Oh well.

I started getting my invega shot again a month ago... after being off it for about 7 months. I feel soooooooo much better. It took me from full blown psychosis to stable in less than a week. Might be something to consider.

My concern with invega is it was starting to cause EPS. Jaw tightening and slurred speech. I suppose I could take cogentin along with it but the possibility of TD scares me. I need a break from it. Sad because it did work so well.

I'm not feeling well today. More mixed. I feel like crying right now. lots of anxiety. My mind is still racing. I feel like the room is spinning around me. I have to go to work and it's parents day. I can hide things well so I should be ok but I'm worried about meeting my students' parents.

Ugh.

I have the same theory. In short I am very sensitive to other people's energy. Mostly negative energy which will bring me down pretty quickly. My boss will sometimes feel like a vacuum... vacuuming up any good energy I am feeling. I also know that when I am hypo it rubs off on people. Sometimes I think I can feel the energy vibes coming off the person... either they are radiating out... or sucking the life out of those around them.

Sometimes when I am proactive I try to imagine myself in a protective bubble that will not let any of my good energy escape and will reflect and bad vibes.

Anyhow... hope you are doing ok. Sounds like you are trying to be proactive and aware. I just moved into a hypomanic state yesterday, so I will stop rambling!

Meeting the parents went well. I think I was pleasant.

I just don't feel right. My energy is gone and I just feel like I'm going to start crying any second now. It's a fragile day. Lots of anxiety as well. I felt like this after taking the first dose of vraylar on Monday, maybe it's because I upped the dose. Or maybe it's my crash. I am a very rapid cycler.

I'm supposed to go out tonight. It might make me feel better. It's with some of my old high school friends. A reunion of sorts. I'm embarrassed by all the weight I've gained but hey, what are you gonna do, right? Oh well.

STILL can't eat.

I hope you enjoy your outting....

Hang in there you will level out soon, Meanwhile if you need a good cry by all means let it happen... Nothing wrong it helps de stress me.

Stay safe

I hope you enjoy the get-together