[Blueberrybook]

I know I have a CPS case against me, but I've never intentionally abused my daughter.

However, I know my emotional fallouts affect her mentally. I got very angry with her this morning, yelling for what turned out to be no reason (see bipolar daily thread).

I feel like she trusts me less & less, and this morning, she was angry when I dropped her off at school, and I'm still panicky. It's a horrible start to the day.

I really hate myself and feel like I suck as a mother, that she got the raw end of the deal getting me as a mom. I'm sure she will tell H all about it, and then H will be upset with me, and he is already stressed out. Guilt just weighing me down

I try to control the anger or panic or depression, but usually I can't. Panic comes on immediately, and then I'm a mess, upsetting everyone in the family. My daughter never wants to do anything with me any more. We can't go many places because of finances, but she won't even do things like paint fingernails. She just likes to play computer & iPad games she and H have been doing for several years, and I can't figure those games out, especially as a lot of them are strategic games, and I just can't concentrate on it.

Maybe I'm interpreting things wrong, but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety that's leading to some connection issues with your daughter and leading to the emotional fallouts and anger?

Seroquel helped me a lot with my anger issues, as well as anxiety issues, until the dose got too high and gave me depression. But I wonder if increasing your seroquel could help. That's just a guess and something you could ask your pdoc about.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Maybe I'm interpreting things wrong, but it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety that's leading to some connection issues with your daughter and leading to the emotional fallouts and anger?

Seroquel helped me a lot with my anger issues, as well as anxiety issues, until the dose got too high and gave me depression. But I wonder if increasing your seroquel could help. That's just a guess and something you could ask your pdoc about.

I will mention it to the pdoc, the anger issue at least. I don’t think he will up the Seroquel due to my being small. I have gotten my weight up, but still not to the normal range. I have had this problem with my daughter for awhile now.

I also dissociate a lot, I suppose to ignore everything upsetting me. It is hard to ground myself when things get rough as panic and dissociation tend to be my first reactions.

I am falling into depression too I think. I see the pdoc on Tuesday, but the T tomorrow. I am still very anxious. I hope it will improve once I pick my daughter up. They have early release today at noon (not sure why).

It is hard because she is very stubborn, and I have to take into account she is a child knowing we are worried about money, may lose our house or have to move if H gets a better job. She obviously knows about the CPS stuff, that I have a mental illness (though I don’t know that she understands most of the time, I feel like I like the MI rules me, not that I struggle to control it). H is getting a shorter fuse what with finances, the HOA, job searches. H is not physically abusive, just lost his temper (not yelling though) yesterday when my daughter asked for help for a math problem, but she had a hard time getting H to understand the assignment fully (they had to work out all the multiple choices to show why all the answer choices except the right one were wrong), and obviously they had to find the right answer doing the original problem.

My daughter does struggle with oral communication a lot, so understanding what she is saying can be hard to follow. She will talk, hesitate, talk, hesitate, and a simple statement/problem takes ages for her to communicate at times. I struggle with understanding her too, trying to follow her long statements without getting confused or having my attention wander or just wanting to hear whatever it is in straight, simple sentences, not wandering sentence parts. So now she has no idea when either H or myself are moody and can’t follow a problem explanation in 5 minutes when 1 or 2 simple sentences would have done it. Though I do wonder if she talks that way to keep getting our attention subconsciously even. It is a lot for a 10 year old.

Maybe it’s unreasonable irritability from the bipolar, or bipolar mixed, guess it could come from the onset of panic too.

But I still feel like such a bad mom

[SorryShaped]

I never felt like I was a good parent. I tried to be fair but failed. I lament staying around them, because they all wanted me gone the whole time

[*Laurie*]

Please, please get your daughter into therapy. Doing so will be of benefit to her.

[Victoria'smom]

I feel I'm a terrible parent. I see all the people enjoying raising children, being fun and imaginative. I'm panicy, irritable and just can't relate to kids. I have days I can't function. I feel like when he grows up in 1.5 years he won't speak to me.

[BipolaRNurse]

I don't consider myself the best mom on the planet either, because I was terribly inconsistent with my kids when they were young and they were subjected to my wild mood swings. BUT---kids are resilient, and if you do your best, they know you love them and eventually they learn to forgive. Mine did so long ago, and today our relationships are great. Hang in there...it does get better.

[~Christina]

I’m am good mom, my grown daughter has told me numerous times that despite some trying times for us both she could have not wished for anything better in our relationship.

My Bipolar daughter has a wonderful life.

I’m proud of this, very much so.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I feel I'm a terrible parent. I see all the people enjoying raising children, being fun and imaginative. I'm panicy, irritable and just can't relate to kids. I have days I can't function. I feel like when he grows up in 1.5 years he won't speak to me.

Meh, you never know. Your son might care for you very much when he grows up.

I was a terrific mom, quite frankly. I adore kids and put my heart and soul into raising my children. I have no doubt that they both love me (they're 30 and 33). It's a good feeling....rewarding. But I hardly ever see them; they're always too busy...if they have time they spend it with friends. Calls and visits are rare, to say the least. I loved being with them when they were children, but sometimes I wonder what I did it all for...I'm so alone; so is my husband. Honestly, it hurts. All the time, quite frankly.

I've noticed that parents who had a rougher time raising their children...the adult kids seem far more attentive to and care about the parent. Makes me wonder.

[Lilmzsunshine]

Hi. I am going through the same things you are going through. I have a cps case as well. I just got out of the hospital. I was in for 8 days and I can tell my daughter and son are alittle upset with me. However, I am glad I went to the hospital. I was feeling unbalanced and my depression was getting the best of me. I hope you are having a better day. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. 🤗

[Blueberrybook]

We just have so much stress right now, and it makes life so much harder, whether you have MI or not. It definitely does not help.

I'm starting CBT with a new T; well, I've seen her maybe 2 weeks, and I brought this issue up at the end of my last session and also on the work she had me doing the past week to discuss at my appointment with her today. I hope this will be beneficial to me and allow me to think my actions before just a sudden reaction, which is my tendency. Yesterday morning was bad, but this morning just fine. I think it is hard on her knowing H & I are both very stressed, never knowing when I might get anxious or panicky (sometimes I have triggers but sometimes none that I can tell, just happens out of nowhere) or when H's day has been bad and he loses his temper with her (rare but it happens).

I have talked to H about therapy for our daughter, but he is against it. Also, we'd have to pay full price. I ran up the family deductible on the insurance, but each person has to run up $2500 before the insurance covers them. Obviously, I contributed over $2500 to the $7500 deductible with hospital, surgery, etc. (yes, it is horrible insurance they give teachers in TX). But my daughter has not run up any deductible on her account this whole year. It does fully cover 1 well child visit per year (mostly because I think the state wants to be sure all school kids get vaccinated if possible), and that is it for her. She hasn't been sick this whole year, not enough for a doctor's visit. She threw up in school once this year (just 1 throwup), they sent her home and that was it. She felt fine at home. I suspect she was not ill but that this was hormonal, PMS because she started her 1st period the following week. Fortunately, she tends to be a very healthy child. We are scraping pennies now.

I was much more bonded with her when it was the 2 of us at home while H was at work, before she started school or did much with computers and especially while still nursing. Also, we could afford to go places and buy things, or I could take her out to eat lunch at places she liked. Just can't afford anything right now, and she has much more homework, plus her school decided to do a late dismissal this year (3:45, so it is after 4 PM when we get home), which makes the after school routine harder.

I should have been more pro-active over the summer, but I can't go back and have a re-do. Right now, she is at a tough age, outgrowing wanting to play with toys but not quite ready to part with them and occasionally still does play with them. It is still hot here, so picnics are not fun, and even the park has a lot of mosquitoes despite the city's constant phone calls about spraying at night. She does not like to play on park playground equipment if she is the oldest kid playing (even if I get on it too and play) because she feels she is too old for it even though I tell her she is not.

I need to find new things to do with her, and she is super-interested in computers, programming, adept at using computer drawing programs, playing computer games, etc., and has already stated she wants to get a PhD in computer science when she grows up as well as a degree in math. I am more the English/book area type, and I can't do math as well as I used to. Maybe it's lack of practice, but I also lack concentration. H is very good with computers, programming, CAD, every computer program he has, drawing and making books on the computer, strategy games (which my daughter likes but are hard for me to understand and concentrate on).

First things first though. I need to work on not over-reacting with her or losing my temper/getting panicky when I get upset (sometimes with her), sometimes in general (stuff from the HOA, the sink leaking, just a bad day).

A lot to work on, unfortunately.

[Tucson]

I had been a bad parent, and now not a good father.

[Blueberrybook]

I definitely know I could be a much worse parent than I am, but I dwell a lot on the times I messed up, what I should have said or done better, having a similar relationship to her that she has with H who is a fantastic parent even all stressed out (and I think now having situational clinical depression and anxiety). He is able to keep it all in better, and my reactions to problems/incidents/things gone wrong, disobedience, ect. happen immediately.