[Tryingtobehappy5]

Why can't I just be normal?????? No one likes me, I don't even like myself. I don't take care of myself. I ask for advice even though I wont take any of it. I set limits and then break them without concern. I can't do whats right for myself or my family. I lie often to avoid getting the help I need. I wrote down everything I needed to tell my pdoc to make sure he had the full story and then ripped it up right before my appt. I spent the appointment lying and imagining that he liked me in a very unprofessional way instead. I'm out all night, barely sleeping, dancing until I'm falling over, speeding and I just about caused a car accident a little while ago. I even fantasize about getting arrested again like wtf thats messed up but I like bad stuff. I told myself when things got bad I would get help but every time something gets worse I change the definition of bad. I dont want responses I just want to let this sh** out and this feels like a good way to do that since I only talk to my husband and therapist and I cant say it to them(obviously because then they might offer more help!)

[Victoria'smom]

Print this and give it to your therapist.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

That's a f***ing awesome idea but I dont take advice I'm too busy trying ruin anything left of myself. Maybe I'm not even bipolar maybe this is the real me and I'm just a really bad person and depression just kept it under control

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

That's a f***ing awesome idea but I dont take advice I'm too busy trying ruin anything left of myself. Maybe I'm not even bipolar maybe this is the real me and I'm just a really bad person and depression just kept it under control

Please reconsider printing it out. You're not a bad person. This illness sucks. Keep in mind things WILL change. They have to change as it's the nature of the disease cycling. Here for you. xo

[Matt75]

You aren't a bad person. You have a mental illness. Again, this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person with an illness.

Our condition causes our minds to work against ourselves. Just like a physical illness (e.g. diabetes or thyroid disorder) makes our body work against itself.

The consequences of this condition might be more severe/external to ourselves than physical illness. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve the care of others or to care for yourself. Now is a good time to let that happen. There are people who want to do that for you. Please consider seeking out one of those people until you find her or him.

As others suggest, please consider printing your post and taking it with you to a mental healthcare provider. This way you don't have to feel like you are asking for advice, or to worry that your words are failing you in the moment. It's there on the page, and it's you being you in this moment.

I hate taking advice too, it threatens my sense of excellence and self-sufficiency - which might be overinflated depending on my current mental state. We all need the help of others from time to time.

Take good care, please keep us updated.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Haha perhaps my ego is a bit big for listening to others(even though they know what they're talking about)

The reason I am starting to think I am just a bad person is because every time I come out of the depression this is who I am. And the fact is I am completely aware of the choices I am making. I know they are wrong and I make them anyway. I feel I want to make the right decision but then i don't!

There are times when I'm not as aware of my bad decisions and choices of words until after the fact but those are like swearing on the playground while talking to other peoples kids and making jokes about people who got hurt( i mean they were stupid but still respect used to be a thing in my brain) These big ones I am consciously making.

I will update if I get over my need for destruction in my life and actually follow through with the decision to do the right thing.

Thanks for all the encouragement even with the warning that trying to help me isn't worth it lol

I'm often given good advise and yet I'm not capable at the time of following it. I know you don't want advise but perhaps you could just start being honest with the people who give the advise, telling them you don't plan to follow it and why. If you can begin being honest in that way with people, perhaps you can get some where with understanding why you do what you do on a deeper level. Perhaps not. In any case, I hope you find what you need to be safe and satisfied without as much destruction. (((Hugs)))

[Fuzzybear]

[liveforsummer]

What if you typed the truth and emailed it to your pdoc? Can't rip it up then.
Just a thought.
Be safe

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I like the email idea. I may tell my husband I want help thats usually easiest because he is here and can make sure I follow through. I know he would be happy, he wants me stable.

I'm just really afraid of depression. I'm more afraid of that than I am of getting arrested or hurt in any way, I just can't take any more of it. In my mind it is the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. But I also know that I am likely to crash and I'm at almost a month of this so crashing is becoming more of a realistic possibility in my mind.

Has anyone had meds added to help them come down to a more reasonable level without becoming a tired depressed lump again. Maybe if I can convince myself that I'm less likely to be depressed this route I will take it. My pdoc had mentioned possibly trying abilify as a mood stabilizer at our last appt. I think he mentioned some others but I can't remember. I assume he probably at least knew somewhat that I was pretty high then.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Well I left a message at pdocs office. He isn't in until Monday but I told the receptionist that it is about adding a mood stabilizer and he will call me back then.

I did end up getting my husband to phone for me and then I talked to the receptionist. I'm still unsure and scared but I'm also scared of where I could be heading with the way I'm going now.. Lose lose I guess hopefully I just picked the less shi**y way to lose.

Thanks for being so kind to me, it really helped to have people who care. I don't think I would have made the call at all without you

[Matt75]

Yay for you Tryingtobehappy5! Yay for your loving husband!

Please let us all know when you hear from your doctor on Monday. And let us help support you in the meantime!

[Matt75]

Yay for you Tryingtobehappy5! Yay for your loving husband!

Please let us all know when you hear from your doctor on Monday. And let us help support you in the meantime!