I Can't .....

Today I'm looking at the phrase "I can't." I try to avoid it as a catch all phrase. Instead I'm digging into why "I can't".

I can't get out of bed = ok I am physically capable of getting out of bed, so I CAN! don't want to get out of bed..... Why? I'm still tired? Did I go to bed on time? Am I depressed...if so what am I going to do about that? Self care, talk to T, adjust meds? Or maybe I just don't wanna get out of bed. I'm retired, bed is comfy....I don't have to.

I can't talk to a sister or friend about a hurtful thing they said in Facebook = Yes I can. I have a mouth, a phone and am capable of speech. Am i afraid? If so why? They might get mad at me? Well the situation is already bad. People get mad..... But I don't like it when people are made at me....why? Do I think I need the approval of others to be able to function? Does this take me back to a time where I felt helpless and needed to "get along with everyone" to survive?

I can't handle it when people yell at me = Yes I can. I may not handle it well and turn into a quivering puddle of goo, but I don't die. If I do something to protect myself it will only get worse? Yes it might, but I need to take care of myself. Depending on the situation I may leave the room, find a different job. Tell them that I will not stand by and be verbally abused, call the police......lot of options out there.

So that's my adventure down the rabbit hole world of "I can't"

Very inspiring and a good reminder to us all. Thanks!!

I agree with WildcatVet.

Thanks for taking the time to share this with us!


WC

One of the secrets of being a "can do" person is realizing that it's not always going to be happily or easily. Sometimes it will be really hard and you will hate it.

Thanks for sharing this! I'm having anxiety right now over something I "can't" do. Your insight is really helpful right now.

I agree and I think sometimes people put it off and build it up in their head to be worse then it would have been had they simply done it right then.

Good stuff, thanks

you must be feeling pretty good and doing well right now? I'm happy for you. When I'm well, I have a very "Can do" attitude too. I was introduced to the concept of can't versus won't decades ago and when I'm unwell, the concept is rather shaming and not very compassionate, understanding or realistic for a truly sick person. It's great however for a well person and I'm happy you are doing well.

Excellent advise! Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. I always enjoy reading your posts. Very inspiring!

Elsa I respect you and I usually agree with you....

However, this is the 2nd time you have called me "shaming and not compassionate" for sharing my views. Tacking on "I'm glad you're doing it well" at the end of the post doesn't make it any less critical.

Yes as I matter of fact I am doing well....at the moment. Examining the reasons why I can't is a tool I use when I'm NOT ok. Example: can't get out of bed. Why? I'm contemplating ending my life. I've been there.

Do you think I don't suffer? Saying I don't understand the "truly ill" it implies that I am NOT "truly ill." It implies that somehow I don't understand or don't care. I have no compassion....it invalidates MY experience.

I am deeply sorry that you feel shamed or have compassion withheld from you when you hear certain things. But that is your issue.

I do care, I care a lot. I know what it feels like to be so physically and /or mentally ill that I view death as my only option. But I survived. What works for me makes not work for someone else. The only thing I have to offer is my experiences and opinions.

I'm not calling YOU shaming.....I'm saying what you said can be taken by the down and out as shaming. If that doesn't reasonate with you, then accept it as my flawed opinion. This is the second time I've stated how I honestly felt and you've kinda attacked me for being honest. When I am doing well, I often forget how hard it is when I'm not and say things which aren't supportive. I'm not perfect nor do I need to be. I'm trying to honor the feelings of the lost and hopeless who read. They don't need to feel worse about themselves because they are stuck in a "can't" cycle. You see me as criticizing you personally and I know for an absolute fact I'm not. Perhaps you can ask yourself why you feel I'm doing this? I like what you say......I even like what you said in this post but that doesn't mean it's the whole story or only side to things.

To clarify, I'm not criticizing even if some people see it that way. I'm sorry I'm negative right now....I'm depressed so I "can't" help it.....I just see myself as being realistic, not negative. And "tacking on what I said at the end Was how I truly felt. How did I know you were doing well? Because your post is the kind I'd make if I were hypomania. For people who are doing well, your post is inspiring. For most people who are not doing well, it will have an opposite effect. Do you forget how bad depression is when well? Pain memories fortunately fade.

I told myself I'm finished explaining myself but I will explain what's happened to me recently which made this post a sensitive one for me. At one of my last appointments my doctor said "it's not that you CANT move, it's JUST that it hurts. Is he right? Yes, but JUST and PAIN should not be used in the same sentence. I often feel like my head will explode if I walk, pain from head to toe and my insides hurt so bad and feel so heavy I grunt and push and want to crap them all out.....it hurts so bad with so much pressure. JUST and PAIN is insulting.....but yes, I CAN walk. A family member recently said "how do you expect to feel better hen all you do is say how sick you are and how much pain you are in. Ok, that makes sense to a moron perhaps but I wouldn't be saying it if I didn't HURT so bad.....I don't WANT to say it and most of the time it comes out without me even knowing I'm saying it. Can I not say it? I don't know, I'm trying to stop and catch myself and just feel terrible. And on a post here on PC, someone tried to shame me for thinking I "can't" do things because I'm not paralyzed.........you don't have to be paralyzed to be physically and mentally crippled. I'm not looking for sympathy, but understanding would be nice though I realize that unless a person has been through it they won't understand. And even if someone has been through it, pain memories fade and they forget what it's really like and how crippling it is.

Not everyone who reads these posts responds. Many people will respond with thanks and gratitude towards you for your positive attitude. For some your revelation might be life changing.....an idea they never heard of before and now that you've written about it they will be cured. Many as very depressed and hating on themselves and will think "I'm a loser.....all the can't do people like me should be euthanized and all the can do people in this thread should be allowed to live because they are better". I know some will think along these long news and I want them to know they are sick and to hold on.....they will be a "can do" person again.

I didn't mean to criticize you........I happen to like you and really relate and enjoy your posts often. People don't like what I say.......unless I'm super quiet and keep my head down and never share an opinion I'm safe......but give my perspective and I incite riots. I don't mean to be offensive most of the time......definitely not this time. This post just hits close to home for me as I'm depressed and stuck. I don't mean to piss on everyone's positivity parade all the time. I'm sorry I'm offensive, I really am.

Elsa... you are such a comforting caring person here on PC. I had no idea you were in such pain. I'm so sorry.Thanks for being here and spreading such positivity.

Elsa, I'm deeply sorry you are in so much pain. And I agree with you that JUST and PAIN should not be used in the same sentence.

I don't feel that you are offensive.

I've fallen into the dumps now. I had a good cry, took a PRN.

Maybe it's better for all concerned that I go back to only posting on this forum when I am depressed or hurting. It seems to the best thing to do. It's worked in the past and is usually the reason I take a break from the forum.

If people get upset and feel worthless or shamed when I post about feeling happy or sharing a tool that works for me then I'm not really helping anyone. I dont want to do that. I have to face up to it and move on.

Isn't that kind of all or nothing thinking? I enjoy your post Shazerac

Maybe so. But I kind of get the feeling that's only ok to post on this forum if I'm in distress. Although technically at the moment I'm extremely distressed and can't stop crying.

I guess it's a self defeating loop. My usual cycle is getting depressed about every 3 months. When that happens I'll have something that is ok to talk about.

I am so sorry I made you feel that way. I will be more sensitive to your feelings in the future. (((Hugs))). I've been crying on and off all day for about a week and it's so draining.......I'm sorry you cried and that I played a part.

The talk about JUST and PAIN reminds me of something that happened in PT when I had to stop for minute to wait for my eyes to uncross and the guy working with me reminded me that I have spinal stenosis (like I would ever forget) and what I was feeling was a pinched nerve and "it only SEEMS like pain". When he saw my reaction he backtracked a little and said he meant in my leg (where the pain radiated) because it was a pinched nerve in my lumbar region and my leg wasn't actually the source of pain. I still wanted to throw him though a wall...

I appreciate your posts Shazerac.

Pc posting of threads and advice is a good bad and ugly deal.

Post whenever you want about whatever state your in I find your posting enjoyable and showing upmost compassion.

Keep posting Shazerac! ElsaMars, I understand what you are saying. At times I can feel the same way. I hope your pain subsides in the near future.