[Tryingtobehappy5]

Only slept 3hrs last night and I feel so much better. That was my second night not taking the risperidone. I dont think its fair that I'm expected to sleep so much when not sleeping leaves me feeling so much more energetic. On the other hand husband is grouchy verging on angry this morning and I'm not sure if its because he just finished his night shifts or if I am doing something wrong. Well I dropped my keyboard and woke him when he was almost asleep but it was just an accident and he seemed to have a lot of mean things to say to me if thats all it was about. I haven't told him about not taking my meds and now I dont know if I can, usually I tell him everything. I dont blame him for hating me, I'm supposed to be a good mom and wife and I'm just not

Its like I'm on this path that feels so good and bad at the same time, I love it and I'm afraid of it. I should have known I would pull this sh**, I'm not me anymore, all the nice, socially acceptable and helpful, loving parts of me are gone. I'm the same irresponsible medication abusing crazy person I was at 17, 10 years ago! Im angry at the people who told me to get help, my life sucked before all this but now everything is so messed up and I cant erase the year and I dont want to go back

I thought I would feel better writing all of this but it hasnt helped, I should have been better after IP but I'm still this scary happy monster who doesn't want to be put down. I already went through all this last month and now I get to do it all again. All the stupid decisions that I cant stop making. All the hiding how bad it is from people who want to help. Why didnt they FIX me while I was there??? Isnt that why they locked me up???

[Victoria'smom]

If I were you I'd start retaking the risperidone if only to keep me out of the hospital. I struggle being a mom and a wife, not even a half way descent one. I would love to be a person that just comes naturally but I'm not. What meds are you abusing? IP usually just gives meds and keeps you safe. If you can look for an intensive out patent person, or partial hospitalization program. They can't fix us but the meds are suppose to help a little.

[Shazerac]

The hospital can not fix you. The purpose is to keep you from harming yourself and gets your meds stabilized.

In reality the only one that can fix you is you. Only you can decide to take your meds in a stable way or chose to abuse them. Only you can decide if this "wonderful" feeling is more important than your husband and family.

I know you are frustrated now. But you have some decisions to make. Do you want to pursue wellness or do you want to continue on as a manic freight train?

[Tryingtobehappy5]

They dont have those things here unfortunately. I would love that option because it sounds like a good compromise. I used to abuse meds now I just dont take as prescribed which I'm not really surprised about. I made it a week at home almost but I just felt so off like instead of finding middle ground I went way off sideways. They brought me down somewhat and I wasnt depressed but I'm just not right. I dont even know who I am or who I want to be. I feel great right now though but my husband doesnt seem to and you all seem to think this is bad. If I let myself look at it as an outsider I can see its bad, people are unhappy and I'm not good at doing the family stuff or medication stuff. But if I look at it as the person I am right now I feel more connected to myself and like I'm giving myself the freedom to figure out who I really am, the risperidone wasnt right and I know it. My T said(earlier this year) it sounds like I think it has to be either I'm happy or my family is happy but can't be both. She told me that's not true but the longer this goes on the more I think it is true.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I don't know Shazerac. I dont f***ing know anything. For all I know I could wake up tomorrow and realize that I just slept really long and thats why I managed to dream up an entire year of different nightmares.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I really better shut up now! Sorry! I'll try just commenting normal sh** on other peoples posts I should keep this annoying stuff to myself. Too whiny and not willing to "fix" myself. And sorry for the partial swearing, better stop that too! I hope you all dont totally hate me.....

[Shazerac]

I don't hate you at all. I can see that you are struggling. My wish and hope is that somehow you figure yourself out and find some peace

[~Christina]

Do you have small attainable goals to reach? It can be anything that you can certainly manage. Years ago I was going through pure hell and I decided that I was going to force myself to get outside and take a walk to a week. It worked so I made another goal to add to my walking... and so on.

As for your meds only you can decide if you need or want them.

[Victoria'smom]

Being on meds feel weird they do it's an adjustment period. Hell I've been on these meds for 6 months and I'm still not "me". I'm quiet, shy and withdrawn. I'm not depressed but it feels close to it. I'm not the person that my husband fell in love with I'm some how less when I'm stable. I also feel like it's my family's happiness over mine. Honestly I see us ending in a divorce. However if I'm not on meds I'm a danger to myself, whether it's suicidal or delusional. Even with meds I have my ups and downs they're just shorter. Give yourself time to explore this new person. Your use to the unwell you. It'll takes time give your self time. Can you see your therapist more?

[Tryingtobehappy5]

The goal idea is good. Im not good at goals but worth a try. Maybe if I want to stay off antipsychotics I will just have to work harder to keep myself grounded. That would probably help.

I feel more calm now, maybe I could get used to this person but its like I dont fit in the life I made for myself. That hurts but maybe its true.

I think I will tell my husband I'm not taking it. The less I lie the better. Maybe I'm just turning it into a big deal when its not.

Im in Canada so I get what I'm given for pdocs and therapy. I definitely dont complain about it but they are both very busy. I see T in two weeks and pdoc in almost 2 months. We have a crisis line I can call anytime to talk to someone but I dont even know what I would say if I chose to use it.

IP is expensive and you went-you recognized you needed it. This is tossing away that treatment, and you seem to know what that all means. You need to think and decide on the right course of action while you still can.

Your husband needs to know what is going on with you—please tell him

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I don't have to pay for IP(except through taxes which I have to pay whether I use the healthcare system or not) Plus they took me involuntarily, I just wanted some mood stabilizers and sleep and they locked me up for 2 weeks against my will. I didnt want the risperidone then either. I should have refused it but I wanted to go home.

I told my husband and he said do what you want. He seemed annoyed but he knows me, he knows I will do what I want anyway. I'm happy that I chose to tell him, I'm confident that I can make this work. Its not worth it to feel like crap for no reason