I think this is an interesting debate, and I'm going to post it and see what people say about it (thanks cryingontheinside!)

anyway my point is, that when it comes to self care, do we do it out of motivation?, or, do we actually do it out of politeness.

example:

I would never, ever, go round a friends house, hair a mess, clothes all torn and smelling like a toxic river

I wouldn't expect that from the person I am visiting, so why should I do that?. it's like standards I think. you don't expect it from people, so why do it yourself

and I think the same can be said for cleaning the house

most days when i'm not actually doing anything or expecting anyone, because I live alone anyway, my house looks like world war 3

but when I am expecting company, you do it- you clean the house and make it nice for that person

maybe it's just me, but even in low motivation states, I believe the reason we do self care is out of politeness, and out of respect- not because we want to

hell, if I didn't have appointments to go too or things to do sometimes, i'd be quite happy living in a house that is never tidied, and looking like shrek's older sister

but you gotta show respect

[Sunflower123]

I can see it both ways. One out of politeness and respect for others and second out of respect for yourself because you’ll generally feel better if you do.

[scatterbrained04]

I get what your saying. When I'm depressed, most of the "self-care" things I do are out of politeness or because I SHOULD do it. Definitely not because I am motivated to or want to.

An exception would be showering. No matter how bad I get, I want my shower.

[MobiusPsyche]

I don't think most people...even those without mental illness...are usually motivated to clean the house. There are some exceptions of course but I don't want to compare myself to some ideal that doesn't even exist out there.

I do agree with the point that self care is marketed as being "for us" but it also makes it easier for other people to be around us.

[WildcatVet]

Occasionally it's out of motivation...face it, I smelled this morning...but usually it would be out of respect for other people's sensibilities.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I basically never feel the need to do it for myself. It is all about others. But this year my need to please others or care in any way about what they think has left and meant all of the care of my home and myself has taken a huge hit. I just dont care anymore and thats not just when I'm depressed either. My husband sometimes tells me that I should really have a shower or change my clothes that day so that helps keep me on track. That sounds really ridiculous lol

[Jensitive22]

I would say even more than politeness or respect, it's about fear of judgement.

[Unrigged64072835]

Maybe a bit of both.

I could eat out all the time but I usually cook dinner, partly for myself and partly for my family. I clean house for myself, but my husband is allergic to dust mites so it's for him as well.

Other people have seen my messy house and there were more important things going on than their judgment of my kitchen.

[liveforsummer]

I generally don’t like clutter and mess and my house is usually tidy but I can easily go weeks without vacuuming or dusting or cleaning bathrooms...unless someone is visiting and I kinda think it’s motivated by not wanting to be judged. Though as I’ve gotten older Im a little less concerned about that.
And I rarely go more than 2 days in a row without showering. The hot water makes me feel better whatever state my mood is in. The most effort that goes into my appearance is if I’m hypomanic. Otherwise I wake at 7 and I’m at my desk at work for 8. I shower when I get home so I can enjoy it and take my time especially if the day is stressful.

[invisibleboy]

This makes sense to me. I live in pajamas if I don’t have to see anyone and sometimes I shower because I want to and like feeling clean but if I’m going to be alone for the weekend I might not shower. I do enjoy going somewhere dressed nicely but mostly because I feel like people see me as more put-together and I feel better because of that.

I recently moved into supportive housing and I actually feel a little more comfortable not forcing myself to be well put-together all the time. I don’t feel like I’m failing so much any more.

Socially I think most of the time I’m just trying to fit in out of politeness/childhood training. I have a co-morbid autism spectrum disorder though. Letting my quirks out are also advantageous in my field (theatre).

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I can see it both ways. One out of politeness and respect for others and second out of respect for yourself because you’ll generally feel better if you do.

self care usually makes me feel worse.

and do you know why that is?

Possible trigger:

it's because I feel I don't deserve it.

I feel like i've done so much damage to myself- the overeating making me put on weight, the scars from the self harm ruining my arms and legs, why should I bother with self care.

I have a body and I can't even look after that- and i'm certainly not going to get a new one.

if I did though, it would be nice..

no scars, no cronic pain, no grossness..

[Victoria'smom]

I only do self care for others. I gave up wearing make up years ago. I have my eyeliner tattooed. I only shower and change for my husband and son. Our living room is clean but the master bedroom/bathroom is a mess. My husbands the same.

I agree on hypomania—I will be putting on my makeup, that is the only time.

I wish I cared more the rest of the time; I just don’t and let things go.

I get my haircut more often than I personally care to; this is about work. I’m stressed out because people will be coming over in a few months because of a work thing, and my house is a mess

[GoldenSnitch]

I think for me it depends on how I’m feeling. If I’m low, not even politeness can get me to partake in some of those things. But when I’m doing better, I try to do self care activities to make myself feel better as well as because it’s expected.

[boogiesmash]

I use to clean and keep a routine/schedule of cleaning because I wanted to. When I hit my depression I only cleaned up when having company. Right now my house is a mess but I’m hoping motivation comes to clean the rest of it.

[NatsukiKuga]

I try to take a pragmatic approach. We sweep every week to clean out the dust, and clean out the bathrooms to kill the bugs. Kitchen gets a daily wipe-down.

But I work from home, and my skin does a lot better if I don't shower every day. Yeah, I don't smell like soap and deodorant, but basic human smell isn't all that bad, either.

Originally Posted by key tones

I agree on hypomania—I will be putting on my makeup, that is the only time.

I wish I cared more the rest of the time; I just don’t and let things go.

I get my haircut more often than I personally care to; this is about work. I’m stressed out because people will be coming over in a few months because of a work thing, and my house is a mess

my hair is so long, that I could probably let it down while a wicked queen uses it to help her climb a tall tower

(fairytale reffrence)

okay probably not that long.

but it is long