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#1
Oct 29, 2017, 04:42 PM
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I am so sorry to start a new thread. But I’m really starting to get scared.
I said on my other thread that I feel like my brain is trying to kill me. My brain wants me dead. How do I escape from my brain? It’s always with me. I know killing my brain means killing my whole being so I don’t know what to do.
Possible trigger:
I feel out of control, this is not ME, this is another part of me that wants me to die. I’m scared I will not be able to fight this other part of me, my brain. Right now I’m safe because all my brain’s plans involve leaving the house and I can’t leave the house. I’m sorry everyone for being on here so much but I am truly starting to panic.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
 Anonymous45023, apfei, bizi, boogiesmash, Daonnachd, liveforsummer, Nammu, Sunflower123, Teddy Bear, wiretwister, ~Christina
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#2
Oct 29, 2017, 04:51 PM
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I'm so sorry you are suffering. Where i live the crisis line is really good. So helpful to talk it over with another human being. Is that an option for you? And remember, there's always the ER. I've come to care about you and am so moved by your tragic story of your husband's death. I don't know what i would do if you did something final. I like the saying, "This too shall pass." I saw it tattooed in beautiful script on a young man's inner forearm. Stay safe.
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 wildflowerchild25
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#3
Oct 29, 2017, 04:53 PM
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Hello there—do you have a support system? Someone you can call during difficult times. Also you should contact your pdoc ASAP....some have after hour emergencies.
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#SpoonieStrong Spoons are a visual representation used as a unit of measure to quantify how much energy individuals with disabilities and chronic illnesses have throughout a given day. 1). Depression 2). PTSD 3). Anxiety 4). Hashimoto 5). Fibromyalgia 6). Asthma 7). Atopic dermatitis 8). Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria 9). Hereditary Angioedema (HAE-normal C-1) 10). Gluten sensitivity 11). EpiPen carrier 12). Food allergies, medication allergies and food intolerances. . 13). Alopecia Areata |
| wildflowerchild25
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#4
Oct 29, 2017, 04:53 PM
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Don't apologize for being on here or for starting a new thread. We want to support you. I think you might do well by contacting a hotline of some sort since it doesn't appear there are many others on here now to share coping strategies and otherwise interact.
I'm concerned that you feel compelled. That is when I think it's time for professional intervention. I would say it's time to go to the ER.
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>< |
| wildflowerchild25
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#5
Oct 29, 2017, 04:59 PM
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Tell your brain to listen to your heart.
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🐻 |
| wildflowerchild25
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#6
Oct 29, 2017, 05:42 PM
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I took a hot shower so I’m a little calmer. I don’t need Er tonight, I am safe tonight. Can’t leave the house. Nothing in the house to kill me.
I really really really can’t do IP. I can’t trust my mom to take care of my son. She gets too frustrated with his behavior. I’m worried she’ll do what she did to me which is storm upstairs and leave him alone. Plus I’m afraid going IP will traumatize him. I start PHP tomorrow and hopefully see the dr and hopefully get a new AP bc I’m thinking this **** is not normal. I don’t give a **** what it is at this point. Btw I’m talking to my friend and my sister In Law so I am talking to people.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, Nammu
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| Nammu
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#7
Oct 29, 2017, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
Take care of yourself tonight.
__________________
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#8
Oct 29, 2017, 06:09 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((Wildflower)))))))))))))))))))))
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Nammu …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann |
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#9
Oct 29, 2017, 06:16 PM
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Hang in there sounds like help is on the way tomorrow. Keep talking to people as much as possible.
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Guiness187055 Moderator Community support team |
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#10
Oct 29, 2017, 07:22 PM
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Can you try some grounding skills? Dbt? You've mentioned radiCal acceptance, that helps me too. Radically accept this is how you're feeling right now. It won't last forever. Feelings change. Your son needs you. That's what has kept me alive many times. Just get through tonight. You can do this!
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| bizi
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| bizi, wildflowerchild25
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#11
Oct 29, 2017, 07:42 PM
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Could your son go to your brother and sister-in-law while you go IP to get things straightened out?
__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
| bizi
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#12
Oct 29, 2017, 07:59 PM
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Im so sorry that your at this mindset... You have been here before and talked yourself out of harm or an exit ... I know you can handle this.. Do your PHP keeping talking and posting.
Love ya
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
| wildflowerchild25
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#13
Oct 29, 2017, 08:04 PM
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(((Wildflowerchild)))
I’m so sorry   Please hang in there!! |
| wildflowerchild25
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#14
Oct 29, 2017, 08:11 PM
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I’ve been having an anxious day; I’ve been listening to DBT peer connections distress video and others today. I need to hear someone talking to me. Gill isn’t a therapist, but she outlines the program which helped her. If you like to listen to talking too, this is easy to find on YouTube.
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| wildflowerchild25
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#15
Oct 29, 2017, 08:45 PM
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Thanks for your support everyone. I am in utter despair right now. My brain is showing me images. Nothing I could do as I don’t have access to the necessary supplies but it’s upsetting me. I just want to sleep but the trazodone isn’t working. It’s only 9:30 though so there’s still time.
I wish I had a prn or Klonopin or something sedating besides trazodone. I will hang on tonight though. I cannot let my evil brain win.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, BeyondtheRainbow, bizi, Nammu
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| ~Christina
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#16
Oct 29, 2017, 08:46 PM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. What time does PHP start tomorrow?
__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
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#17
Oct 29, 2017, 08:48 PM
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Quote:
I don’t know, maybe for a night or two. My other sister in law agreed to take him on the weekend if it comes down to IP and I’m still there over the weekend. I really don’t want IP, Ive been out for so long. Two and a half years. A veritable record for me. But I’m so scared right now.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, bizi, Nammu
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| ~Christina
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#18
Oct 29, 2017, 08:49 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| bizi
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| ~Christina
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#19
Oct 29, 2017, 08:51 PM
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I hate that you are feeling so afraid, yet I think that fear is a sign that you may need IP. Hopefully the PHP people will evaluate that tomorrow. I know it is hard to go back after not needing it for a while but needing IP isn't a failure, it's just part of the illness. And a fast med change seems necessary for your safety at this point.
You are in my prayers.
__________________
Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD. Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily |
| bizi
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| Nammu, wildflowerchild25
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#20
Oct 29, 2017, 11:51 PM
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I have taken three trazodone instead of just one. I am still wide awake. It’s almost 1am.
At least the trazodone has seemed to calm the negative thoughts.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Naynay99
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#21
Oct 30, 2017, 12:01 AM
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Just wanted to say to hang in there. I hope the php tomorrow is helpful. Be safe.
Hugs. |
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#22
Oct 30, 2017, 12:10 AM
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I think you are conflicted. You have ideas that rival each other, and you haven't been able to make a firm choice and stick with that choice. It's a problem that is behind a lot of mental distress. I don't think that making "your brain" into a separate person is going to serve you well. You're confusing yourself, which leads to worsening helplessness.
You are one person - one conflicted person. There is not a second person living inside your skull who's plotting against you. There is only one person inside your head - you. I say that because I think the way out of your distress is for you to own all that goes on in your own mind. Working through inner conflict can be awfully tough. But you have to do it to find peace and some sense of security. You don't have to eliminate all conflict. No one achieves that. You have to manage the conflict, by trying to take control. It's all coming from you and the history you've lived through and the relationships you've had with people important in your life. I'm sorry you feel so tortured. Sometimes we treat ourselves worse than we would treat an enemy. |
| BeyondtheRainbow
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| BeyondtheRainbow, liveforsummer, wildflowerchild25
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#23
Oct 30, 2017, 12:14 AM
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Good luck with PHP. I found that to be way more helpful than inpatient care, which seemed to me like warehousing.
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#24
Oct 30, 2017, 06:59 AM
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Hugs wildflowerchild
 I absolutely understand the feelings you have described. It’s what I experienced last week. I too felt my brain was acting against me. I found Rosa76’s comment very insightful and helpful. This is 5 days later for me and I’m feeling more positive again. Hang in there, I keep trying to remember when so many others on here support each other to ride out the bad until it passes. Right now I’m in “determined” mode and have decided to really try and improve my sleep hygiene. Sticking to the same bedtime and wake time 7 days a week has had positive benefits for me (It doesn’t solve the bigger MI issues but it helped me cope better). Sending hugs your way and I hope today is a bit better for you 
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| wildflowerchild25
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| wildflowerchild25
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#25
Oct 30, 2017, 07:17 AM
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Well I ended up with two hours of sleep. My mind is going so fast right now I feel like my head is spinning. I feel like I can’t sit but there’s nothing I actually want to do. I feel compelled to hurt myself just because it will let some of the energy out but that might not be true, just another trick of my brain. So I won’t. I am not being besieged by images and plans right now so that’s a plus.
I’m going to try my hardest to drive safely to php today. I feel like I should crash my car but I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I hope I sleep tonight. Right now I don’t feel like I could sleep ever again.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Anonymous45023, BeyondtheRainbow, liveforsummer, Nammu
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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