Never Getting Better

Because of my husband's terrible schedule I can't see my therapist for a month. I really need to see her. I go to group every Thursday but I can't talk about what I want to talk about in there. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like one day it won't be enough to keep me here anymore. I can feel it slipping. I told my husband this but he kind of just brushed it off. I opened the bottle and counted them this time. Just one. I have 4 or 5 bottles. I can't throw them away. It won't let me. It's just getting stronger. But I can't be admitted. Same reason I can't see my T for a month. Because there is no one to watch my kids. I have 4 kids. If it wasn't for them I would have left this world a long time ago. But sometimes it tells me that they would be better off. All the thoughts it puts in my head. Horrible thoughts, more like mini movies. Short movies that seem real, like I'm in them and at the times of their showing the real world is gone. The movies become reality for a few minutes. I hurt people in the movies and myself and my family. I don't want to. I don't mind me hurting but everyone else, I don't want to. I'm so lost right now. I don't know who I am. I don't feel like anyone, like a person. I don't know what I want to do ever. Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? Why am I even here? I just always mess up everything and hurt people close to me.

Those visions have a name. They are called Horror Movie Hallucinations. I've had them. I used to put pills in my hand until one time I put 30 in my hand and then swallowed them all. Please get help now.

I didn't know those we're considered hallucinations. Are you sure? I've never had hallucinations, well the typical seeing stuff that isn't there. Or hearing things. It is kind of like a vision though. I have them all the time, usually stress or anxiety induced. I have them moreso when I feel depressed. They are never good. It's like being in a different place. Almost like watching a movie but your a part of it. I would like to get help but it's not that easy.

This happened to me about 10 years ago. I saw children's spines ripped out of them and flung up against the walls at my son's preschool.

This is from "The Bipolar Handbook" by Wes Burgess, M.D., Ph.D.

Q:
I've started seeing blood and guts and people getting killed. Are you familiar with this?

A:
I call this "horror move hallucinations" and I have observed it several times in bipolar disorder. It is as if a scene is superimposed over what you are naturally hearing and seeing and you cannot get it to stop. For example, a knife may be seen falling from the sky and chopping a nearby man's head off. Or a scene of battle and torture appears as if you are viewing everything through a war movie. It is a product of the brain imbalance in bipolar disorder and usually resolves with mood stabilizers or antipsychotics.

Thats pretty much how it feels. All of them usually involve me though. It's similar to a situation I'm in but twisted. Like if I'm in the car, the scene that plays is a horrible accident that's not real or me jumping out of a moving vehicle etc. I've always been ashamed of these thoughts and I never talk about them much, usually the ones where I'm hurting someone.

I get the images too. Mine are mainly suicidal but I have had ones where I am violent toward others. I just got out of IP because the thoughts and images became too overwhelming and I wasn’t sure I could resist anymore. I understand it being impossible to be IP right now since you are the main caregiver but you also need to care for yourself. Don’t let depression fool you into thinking your family would be better off though. I lost both my father and my husband, and I am surely not better off.

All of them are about me dying. Whether it involves hurting others or just myself. It's always tied to me dying. I hate it. It is becoming overwhelming. Its like it's becoming stronger. I opened a bottle and help the pills and counted them whilst having one of these thoughts. The whole thing played out in my head like watching a movie with me in it. When it was over I was in the closet holding a handful of pills and the other bottles in a bag. Everything right now feels like too much. There's too much going on in my head. Too many feelings about too much stuff.

I'm sorry your going through this. It sounds like you need to see/talk to someone, the sooner the better. I've seen horrible images too but they are in my head, I don't visually see them, but my brain shows me this stuff usually of me hurting myself physically and I understand how frightening that can be. Not sure if that's the same way you see it. Keep posting and hopefully you'll be able to see your T sooner.

It's not really visually, it's in my head but reality is blocked out during these intrusive thoughts. It's like it takes me inside of my head for a brief moment. I know I need help it's just hard with having to work around an impossible schedule.

can you go to a GP clinic and get meds that are on the cheap generic list? I don't see this getting better without meds. I know you have no insurance but I see this getting worse on it's own not better. You don't want this to distract you while watching the kids or driving. If your absence can't be handled for a week or two it certainly can't handle you being out of their life for good. You're needed and loved you can't let the depression win.

I can get meds from my current place but I'd still have to wait for my next appointment. I know your right, nothing is getting better. The intrusive thoughts don't last long. Less than a minute for sure. I'm not sure how many seconds but it does happen fast. Also I don't drive so no worry with that. I do want help. I'm trying. But it does feel like nothing can help me. All of my issues will still be present.