Disappointed in Myself

I was doing better with getting my impulses under control, but I screwed things up completely last night. I admit I was feeling kind of hypomanicky over the past week, but not to the point where it was doing me any harm. Yesterday, everything changed. I went out with my friend and was drinking. I had cut down in the past year on how much I drink and went from hardly drinking at all. Mania of any kind triggers this. Well, I met someone brand new and went back to his place and had unprotected sex.

This was a bad pattern of mine when I was younger, and I thought that I had gotten better, but I really put myself at risk yesterday. Now, there's nothing I can do about it. On top of that, since he is someone I literally just met, I'm not sure if he will be the type to text me all the time or become a stalker type. My main concern though is the fact I did not do anything to protect myself and I was completely out of control with the drinking and my behavior. I plan to make a doctor's appointment to see if they can give me an anti-viral medication, out of fear of HIV, because I freak myself out about that after-the-fact.

Now, I am having thoughts of self-hatred, and I am beating myself up pretty bad. I know plenty of people are hard on themselves, but I take it to an extreme, and I cannot stop!!! I don't know how to break this vicious cycle. It does not help that I am living with my brother and he made a comment that indicated that he is worried about his reputation and it was kind of a slap in the face that he had to say that out loud. All those bad thoughts are coming back, and it is so hard not feeling I have any control over the situation. Please help.....I am really in need of support.
Thanks for listening.

I have done that in the past when my husband and I were separated. Not proud of it but have come to a point where I can forgive myself. If my dh can forgive me, I can certainly forgive myself. Hang in there, I know how you feel.

I know this may sound strange, but sometimes it takes lessons like you described to put an end to behaviors that hurt ourselves. From me to you, give yourself maybe one more day max to beat yourself up, and then forgive yourself and really truly vow to keep the drinking to a bare minimum or quit it altogether. Talk about what happened to both your pdoc and/or tdoc so they know you still need stabilization.

It's good you're having yourself checked out. I hope that sex partner doesn't have "anything". If he does, it's possible you won't catch it. Other STDs are more common than HIV, and from what I've learned, even HIV is quite manageable nowadays. Probably pregnancy is your greatest risk. Isn't there still a "day after" pill? Unless you're against such things.

Give yourself some breathing room. Do what you need to do with the STD situation, talk with Tdoc about what has happened. learn from this and than move on, it may be hard but we need to let go and look to the next day. I know that helps me and if I keep on in my mind what I have done, it doesnt help.
I think most people in the world have these moments. I know I have had them.

Drinking is a really hard one for me to avoid. I once had an episode with psychotic symptoms, they didn't progress to the point of losing all check with reality but they came close. Drinking always made it much worse, so I had to avoid drinking. Any gathering or get together where drinking was involved I had to find a way to also avoid disclosing the reasoning behind it. I started losing contact with people even more than I had previously because of the episode itself. I kicked myself every time I drank because of the following symptoms. I chose those times to reflect and gain more determination to do what was healthier for my mental health. I think that's what you need to do. If drinking leads to risky behavior you may have to completely cut it out. Try AA, it may not be for exactly the same reasons as others there but you might find comfort among others who are filled with regret over the things that alcohol has done to them. I know that I always try to limit or avoid all mind altering substances because I know that they can become addictive for me. I once got way too into drinking during hypomania and it was to the point that I ordered a bottle of wine and pretty much drank the whole thing to myself when I was out with friends and my husband and made a complete fool out of myself. My husband gave me a wake up call, I called my psychologist and psychiatrist and we tweaked my meds and I received some support. Luckily the span was a few weeks and it didn't continue after I was properly medicated but it's a lesson I won't soon forget.

You can't change what is done but you can change how you handle it now and how you prepare for the future. Make a game plan for different ways to handle a similar situation, get a friend to help you see your errors, and above all get your meds checked and get tested for sure. Plan B is over the counter now, pregnancy tests are also easily accessible, and usually HIV testing can be done for free at certain non profit clinics.

Don't feel too bad because this is an action in consequence of symptoms. Additionally, other people without the disorder do drink and have risky sex, you are not alone in this outcome. Your brother may feel discomfort but he also loves you and I believe that although his comment may appear to be guilting you into better behavior I think a part of what he was doing was giving you a wake up call that you should take really good care of yourself. It hurts but it may be out of love for your wellbeing masquerading as his own preservation. Some people feel that the best way to help someone is to point out how their actions hurt others. Does that make sense? He probably shouldn't have kicked you while you were down though. Maybe you can talk to him about that, maybe you can disclose your plans of how you will try to change, and maybe he can help. This may help with repairing the relationship and taking responsibility for the things you can control.

Sending love, be good to yourself. Aim for making the things you say to yourself kinder than you would speak to a friend. Give yourself a pass, just learn from the mistake.

I am already on birth control, but I'm still within the window of being able to take the morning after pill, so I'm kind of going back and forth about it....but since I've been taking my birth control pill regularly, I'm not as worried about that. Another reason that I am mad at myself is that this is not the first time that this kind of thing has happened.

It's been a while though, and the one thing that was working for me before is avoiding certain situations, including alcohol. Bipolar as is makes me feel out of control a lot, so alcohol is the last thing I need. I really don't think about consequences until after-the-fact during certain phases of Bipolar.
I really do try to stay away from drinking, and I just happened to have a slip up this time around, but I plan on going back to avoiding certain places where I am vulnerable.

Please be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You made a mistake and you’re taking good steps to counteract or resolve any fall-out. I’m brutally hard on myself as well - I feel you there. It’s just not helpful. It won’t change the situation and stops your momentum in moving forward. I hope you feel better soon. What your brother said is not helpful and I’m sorry he hurt you. Thinking of you.

Thank you. I do need to learn self-compassion. It is hard when we're our own worst critic. I'm my own worst enemy, but I am trying.
I am hoping tomorrow will be a little better.

Be kind to yourself.

I think the vast majority of Bipolars beat ourselves up more and certainly longer than any neurotypicals I know.

I'm also disappointed with myself right now for an analogous situation, not sexual indiscretion but for unimaginably breaking the law (never did that before)... and now I'm stuck with the consequences in my mid 50s.

I doubt anything less consequential would have forced me to give up my cannabis addiction. I was also not thinking of consequences (and now over-compensate by obsessing about consequences). That combination with a mind altering substance can be trouble for some people, particularly people who lack insight at times and become impulsive.

Maybe that is not the whole answer but it is part of it. For you it is alcohol. As bad as you feel right now, it could have been even worse. It doesn't take much imagination to come up with worse scenarios. You dodged a bullet so far.

I'm sorry about your brother. That is not what you needed. He was only thinking of himself and not of you.

Thank you for this. I am sorry that you're struggling with similar feelings of disappointment and with impulsive behaviors. (((Hugs))) I have to keep trying to tell myself that everything is okay, but the bad, obsessive thoughts keep coming back....probably since this all just happened. It doesn't help that I'm still feeling sort of sick from drinking and was not even able to nap today, since my body won't allow me to.

Thanks, Christina. (((Hugs))). I completely agree. I wish there was a certain medication that can help us with BP stop beating ourselves up so much! These meds do help, but they never helped me with that!

First of all, take some deep breaths. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I do "bad" or "undesirable" behavior does make me a bad person. You should not be made to feel like that, and I wish you had more support.

Every bipolar person has a "vice" as I like to say, a type or types of behavior that usually comes out when manic. I don't drink, but I am hypersexual. I had my absolute worst manic/mixed episode after I was hospitalized last year and given Wellbutrin - after I told doctors NOT to give me an antidepressant because they make me manic, and they assured me this one would not. Whatever. I don't even remember exactly how many guys I slept with, I know it was unprotected at least half the time, and I had an early miscarriage that I don't even want to admit to myself. Fortunately I did not contract an STD, after 2 rounds of testing, thank goodness. I HATED myself, cried about it, but didn't know how to stop. I was ready to get a divorce because I couldn't live with myself, I didn't need to be married. But somehow, my husband forgave me for the cheating, I still don't know why. It's been over a year and I still don't think I've forgiven myself.

The hardest part for me was not knowing if I would get manic enough to go down that road again. You probably thought the behavior was "over" but I had to accept for me, it will never be "over". This is my impulsive vice, that everyone looks down upon more than any drug and alcohol abuse, and I am trying to come to terms with that. Which means I have to do EVERYTHING I can to try to prevent it from happening again. It's hard enough being bipolar and coming to terms with taking meds for the rest of my life, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that I will always be at risk for this impulsive behavior, likely for the rest of my life. It sucks, so much, but I have to be mindful of this.

You sound manic. You gave into your impulses, which happens when we are manic. As a friend told me, it is not an "excuse" for our impulsive behavior, but it is an "explanation" for the behavior. Fortunately it doesn't sound like anything happened that will cause long lasting consequences, which is good.

Moving forward, in addition to trying to forgive myself, I have had to make a conscious effort to prevent my impulsive behavior as much as possible. From erasing men's phone numbers and texts, deleting my online dating profile, resisting any man who made future contact with me. For you, it may be avoiding ANY situation where you can drink ANY alcohol. I don't know if that is completely possible, but it can be a goal. And the MOST important prevention I can do is to do my best to control my illness so I never get that manic again. It is my greatest fear, yet I know the mania is SO hard to prevent. It may not work, our illness can be so chaotic, and I know the mania will never completely go away. But because I know how bad my impulsive behavior can be, I try to stay mindful of it. I know it does not always work, but all we can do is forgive ourselves and try.

Thanks so much for this advice and support. I do need to avoid alcohol, but even without alcohol, I have a history of hypersexuality, and that's my biggest vice above all. I can definitely relate, and also try to take measures to delete people out of my phone, etc. Currently, I don't think it's good for me to be involved with anyone at the moment in any way. I know that the person I was just with wants to get together again, but I don't think it's good for me during this time. So sorry that you struggle with this. (((hugs)))
I'm glad you've found a way to come to terms with different things, and that does not make you a bad person. It just makes you human.

You're right, it comes down to accepting that a vice will always be there, but I have to avoid making myself vulnerable to certain situations.

XRavenx
I agree with Christina, we tend to dwell so long on our mistakes with BP, creating those awful self loathing feelings. I pray you can find forgiveness within yourself (and I understand 100% how big a task that is to accomplish). I always thought my past mistakes would be forgotten once I got older but we never do forget them, it’s trying to find the way to live with them, learn from them and forgive. I hope you do better soon.

(((((((((XRavenx)))))))))

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I went to the doctor today to inquire about Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP) medication that I read certain people take to prevent HIV after possible exposure. I never went as far as to ask about this, although I have a history of making these mistakes while manic. It was something I read about a long time ago. My doctor (obgyn) was surprised at this request and said nobody ever asked her about it.

She went as far as calling an infectious disease doctor that also said it is also kind of an unusual request for a heterosexual woman to make. Therefore, she did not feel comfortable prescribing it and also mentioned that it is a 30 day treatment, 2 drugs that have a lot of side effects.

Since she won't prescribe it, I am just going to give up and just deal with it. She did not run any tests on me either, because it is "too early." So now, I guess there's nothing else to do but wait things out, get tested at a later time, and just focus on moving forward. I was disappointed, but that's life.

sometimes life is about putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. I am trying to practise self-acceptance. It helps to get acceptance here. I am trying to figure out what all I need to do in order not to have my life spiral out of control again. It isn't going to be one or two things. I think the bottom line issue is impulsivity. Can a person train themselves to never act again on their impulsive, self-destructive ideasl, or is it more about getting rid of those ideas altogether.

I don't know the answer but whatever it is is something that requires learning about one's self and life-long dedication.

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))) be gentle with yourself. Avoiding certain places and alcohol sound like good measures have been taken, that's a positive move.