trapped

I feel totally stuck. I had a good day yesterday but largely depressed for 2 weeks after a one-day 'up' period. Then I crashed. Yesterday was better and today not. I barely slept, every so often I have terrible nitemares and last night was it. It sounds childish to have nitemares but when I do it's awful and I lose sleep. I slept a few hours daytime and I guess that's good but I've been very irritable today. Which is usually how my 'up' is, it's short, and then I crash to a bad depression for a couple days, it gets a little bit better then but I'm still depressed, sleep way too much, isolate, etc. It's like the cycling will never end and I'm so so frustrated by it. I feel like no one understands or even cares anymore. My friends are not my friends anymore. I'm being harsh some but I know for certain some of them make fun of me behind my back or do the 'it must be nice to not have a job' thing. It is shocking to me when I actually acknowledge it. Which today I've been focused on it. I am NOT a needy person or an attention seeker. I do not remember the last time anyone seriously asked me how I was doing, or gave even a small effort to support me. Not even my best friend who lives out of town. I poured my heart out awhile back to her and the response was "go to a support group or something". WTF. Did not even listen to me. I'm so sick of this bs. It is not fair to say how I would behave if the shoe was on the other foot, but of my group of friends I was pretty much the successful one. The one with a better job, more ambition, and very kind. If I was my friend I would make a point at least every few weeks to say "we are going to talk about things. Even if you don't want to. I want to help you and I see your struggling." Instead, nothing. Not once has anyone said, wow, this must be hard on you. You were one semester away from starting a NP program after being in school for 5 years straight, while working full time. And now your income is 20% of what it was, and that's only because of social security. Which I'm very grateful for don't get me wrong. I just don't understand it. The last time I went to a large group thing, I was 'quietly' made fun of by two people and another guy was downright rude and did everything but say the 'must be nice to not work' thing. I was not doing well and was just proud of myself for being out. I didn't even process some of this till weeks later, what they were doing. This is turning into a huge rant and I'm sorry. I just don't understand these people that were my friend "before" I got sick. My life has completely fell apart in 3 years. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't. Meds are awful and I want off. Yet I know I'll end up inpatient if I stop. I would probably be 'sick sick' within a few days. They have helped me sometimes after a distinct episode but I feel like it's torture to stay on them. I still cycle regardless. I did not get treatment for years, I knew something was wrong and I avoided it, and my cycles were not good but not enough were it was a full blown episode. That didn't happen till a few years ago, and I have not been the same cognitively emotionally, or anything-ly since. I just want to have some stability, not for 1-2 weeks, that's not stable. On one hand I've not had a severe episode in over a year, but it's like I'm constantly stuck in a mild to moderate one almost always. It is a challenge to barely take care of myself. Sometimes I think I should move in with my mom or dad, and that is incredibly embarrassing. I bought a house when I was 24 with no one's help. Not a penny. And now I can barely keep up with housework. My sleep is so up and down. 15 hours a day for a week or two, with no intention of it, it just happens. Then I start waking up at 4am and my brain is racing so hard it feels like it's going to explode, then, BAM, depression hits again, and any ambition I had is gone, because I can't physically or mentally complete anything. And I have no one to turn to. I lost my insurance, so I can't see a therapist anyone. And I think therapy can be a trap anyway sometimes. I will have insurance in January again and I will probably start going again. I have thought for years that if I exercised an hour a day things would get better but it is a challenge to string together even a few days in a row of walking. I used to run 4-5 miles, everyday, like seriously, daily. I was in phenomenal shape. I'm now edging on formal obesity. I am so frustrated. I will stop my rant. It's totally selfish to post something like this on here but if anyone has decent advice or even just to say 'I hear you' that will help me today. Thanks.

Its not selfish. We all have struggles and its nice to know we are not alone. I'm so sorry you're having a tough go right now. I don't have advice but I do have a virtual hug for you.

Thank-you TSG. I needed to get it out. I feel less alone by just signing in.

You just put my thoughts into words, I feel like we are in the exact same situation. I am 24 and paying way too much for an apartment I'm not even living in because I had to move back in with my parents after being hospitalized. I graduated college in May and thought I would be living such a different life right now, but I am exactly where you are with the rapid cycling and losing friends and generally losing will to keep fighting.

I have been FORCING myself to walk and do yoga every day even though I don't want to. I also make sure to eat healthy, and I do positive self talk every day. I am reading the book Just one thing by Rick Hanson, and he talks about how all we can do is tend to the causes. He says "ask yourself am I truly doing everything I can to promote the causes of those results?" (the results being a healthy mind)

You can't force a plant to grow, but you CAN water it and give it soil and make sure it gets sun. Just like you can't FORCE your mind to be healthy but you can work out every day, use positive self talk and surround yourself with positivity, eat healthy, and even find better supportive friends (even if they are just online on this forum).

I don't know if any of that will help, but if not just know that someone in this world is suffering right there with ya and understands.

That actually helped me a lot. Thank you a ton. I'm going to force a walk right now even if it's not very long. The plant metaphor is excellent.

15 minute walk. Forced it. I feel so exhausted now from writing that. Like you said, there are always things you CAN do to help yourself, even if it doesn't seem possible.

So proud of you, way to take charge!

Dear Piano 97, Thank you for writing and expressing all you are going through. Exactly what I needed to read since I can relate to all of this and I believe you are reaching many others. You describe very well a situation that is unbearable. Resistance to stress is just not there anymore. The major depression along with the anxiety, nightmares, finished sleeping after a few hours and then racing thoughts, mixed episodes or whatever that is... and the fact that it lasts and lasts forever. I really like what Taybaby wrote. I'll also go out for a walk since I haven't gone out today. Take care and come back on the forum for support.

Thanks Quebec. I struggle asking for support sometimes and this is a safe place to do it even though I forget that sometimes. Today is challenging, no nitemares but got up early, was able to get a nap though. I honestly don't remember now if when I posted it was yesterday or the day before. The time stamp says yesterday but I'm not sure. That's how foggy I am sometimes. I will make myself go for a walk this evening again. And I'm going to take a shower soon also. I signed up for health insurance on the marketplace today. It was a huge stressor but I think I got a good plan. The premium is about $15 less than the total cost of my meds right now paying out of pocket. Plus I can go to PCP or psychiatrist without continuing to rack up my huge bill even more. I can't believe I lost coverage this year but it happened. I'm thankful for this coming year. My head feels really spacey, I was gonna run a few errands a little bit ago and I got in the car and had the 'this is not a day to drive' thing. Too complex. I'll try again tomorrow. Thanks and hope folks are having good days and taking best care they can of selves.

You are so kind on PC. Always giving people great advice. We are here for you and you are loved. Take care and big hugs.

Hugs, please keep posting!!

Thank-you all so much. I'm so glad we can support each other.

I just got home from a walk, about 20 minutes! I didn't end up doing it last night like I said I would so is a great victory for today.

I slept really well last night. Took a prn because I hadn't the couple nights before. Seems like I normally wake up every 90 minutes and have to move around and get comfortable again and sometimes takes a little bit to fall back asleep. Last night, I got in bed right around 11 and was out quick. I woke up at 10 till 6, and I hadn't moved all night!! I do not remember resting this well in a long time. I got up for a drink of water then, and was able to get a couple more hours.

Hope all of you have a great day and keep fighting the good fight.

Lots of hugs for you. Low times are a pain.

Keep posting and let us know how it's going.

Things have gotten better and I'm doing OK for the most part. I looked back on my journals to try to figure out what happened a couple weeks ago, I felt so awful and was so upset, with everything. What bipolar has done to me. I was so upset with all of my friends and family and that came out of nowhere and got so intense. It was an awful feeling. I have had this before and to put mildly, it sucks. Bad.

What I found was that I had at least two straight days of not sleeping enough at all just before this. There was a bad depression a couple weeks prior after one 'up' day. That's the second time that's happened in a couple months. One or two up days, a lot of psychomotor symptoms, then bam, hard crash into bad depression a few days, and then moderate depression for a couple weeks. Sleep problems often. I don't have energy to get anything good done and have lots of empty feelings and brain fog. I barely eat and definately don't shower or hygiene much. The days just pass by as if they didn't happen.

I also found that I had cut Lamictal HS from 150 to 100 about 5 days before. Doctor had said it was OK and was a trade off for more seroquel. I did fine from 200 down to 150, and three day I started getting migraines and there was a night I threw up 3x from it. The others were bad but no throwing up. Journal says I feel really weird and disoriented with time/space and was cycling. Three days later is when I had all of the severe psychomotor and that's when I came on here to help me get some things out. It helped a lot. So did prn seroquel. A couple days after that I realized the lamictal change could have been part of it. When I have forgotten a dose I do have bad agitation, I think I'm really sensitive to it. But I bumped it back to 150HS and haven't changed the morning 200 dose. I do want to change it down to 150 also but will wait at least a few weeks. I truly want off of all of my meds completely. I'd be OK with PRNs. There's no way it's happening right now. I'm hoping things are right enough that I can get better behavioral stuff going, and that becomes like a pill itself. If I get some exercise I'm more likely to do hygiene stuff and more like to eat something healthy. I sleep better when I exercise. And those things can snowball. Structure is so important. I struggle with it often. So, I'm stop the ramblings, hope everyone is doing well. If you are not, make yourself get some exercise, it will be well worth it. I will too.