[sugahorse1]

I guess this is unique to everyone and probably a medication issue more so than anything, but I am struggling with being emotionally numb. Well, in a physical way.
E.g. I cannot cry, and I also battle to show pure happiness.

Internally I sometimes feel like I am totally broken, almost suicidal, extremely lonely and pessimistic.
I get very happy and appreciative when someone does things for me, or situations have positive outcomes. But I battle to show that emotion physically.

I had a REALLY bad day on Sunday, and was with my best friend. I told her I was feeling terrible (Emotioanlly). I really felt I was crashing badly. But I don't think I could get the severity across accurately. She could understand that there was something wrong, but probably not quite how bad.
Another person would have broken down and burst into tears.
Once I got home, I sent her a message, allowing me to write about my emotions more elaborately.
We currently have 2 horses at our yard who's futures are a little dicey (One possibly has epilepsy and another is an older horse with a leg injury) - I seem so emotionless about it.
My friend's dad passed away 2 weeks ago, and I was spending 3 evenings a week having supper with him, so we were technically quite close, but I never felt real sadness.

It is a concern to me.

The only things I feel are internal (Depression and hypomania, anxiety...) but some things I don't even feel internally. And none of them I know how to express externally.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

I guess this is unique to everyone and probably a medication issue more so than anything, but I am struggling with being emotionally numb. Well, in a physical way.
E.g. I cannot cry, and I also battle to show pure happiness.

Internally I sometimes feel like I am totally broken, almost suicidal, extremely lonely and pessimistic.
I get very happy and appreciative when someone does things for me, or situations have positive outcomes. But I battle to show that emotion physically.

I had a REALLY bad day on Sunday, and was with my best friend. I told her I was feeling terrible (Emotioanlly). I really felt I was crashing badly. But I don't think I could get the severity across accurately. She could understand that there was something wrong, but probably not quite how bad.
Another person would have broken down and burst into tears.
Once I got home, I sent her a message, allowing me to write about my emotions more elaborately.
We currently have 2 horses at our yard who's futures are a little dicey (One possibly has epilepsy and another is an older horse with a leg injury) - I seem so emotionless about it.
My friend's dad passed away 2 weeks ago, and I was spending 3 evenings a week having supper with him, so we were technically quite close, but I never felt real sadness.

It is a concern to me.

The only things I feel are internal (Depression and hypomania, anxiety...) but some things I don't even feel internally. And none of them I know how to express externally.

This does sound like it could be medicine induced. Could you bring this up to your pdoc?

[Unrigged64072835]

I have this too. My husband was bitten by a dog on Thanksgiving and I just didn’t feel anything. It was like okay, that happened...

I think the meds are part of it, but I’m somewhat stable at the moment so no other motivation to change at the moment.

[Gabyunbound]

I very often feel numb as well. Like you, I have 'internal' feelings, but they just don't come out. I feel very sad, annoyed, interested, moved, and anxious, and yet none of this is probably noticed by others, and barely register on my own radar either. It's frustrating and so sad. I used to be such an entirely different person. I am in much better shape in some ways, but I seem to have traded that in for this numbness that just won't go away. The only emotion that is intense is anxiety and even that I think I don't show, or not in an expected way; I just feel a million butterflies smashing against the walls of my stomach and I can't shoo them away.

I think for you, and perhaps for me, it is a medication problem. It is so hard to find that sweet spot where you're taking enough to not go into episodes, but not too much to end up in this state of numbness.

This is why I have fantasies of stopping taking my medications entirely, so I can see my old self reveal itself and be someone far more interesting and fun to be around, instead of so flat. On the other hand, I'm scared to do this, so I don't. I don't want to lose it. And I'm also afraid even to change medications around as this combination has kept me stable for so long. I guess I can feel intense fear, then

I hope you're braver than I and talk to your pdoc about the possibility of changing around your meds so you're not so numb, and so that you can better express how you're feeling verbally, in the moment. Best of luck.

[~Christina]

I internalize how I am feeling , not able to really put words to it to family and friends.

What your describing ? I think it sounds med related to a degree at least.

Do you journal? I know it helps alot of people to get stuff out of there head.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

I guess this is unique to everyone and probably a medication issue more so than anything, but I am struggling with being emotionally numb. Well, in a physical way.
E.g. I cannot cry, and I also battle to show pure happiness.

Internally I sometimes feel like I am totally broken, almost suicidal, extremely lonely and pessimistic.
I get very happy and appreciative when someone does things for me, or situations have positive outcomes. But I battle to show that emotion physically.

I had a REALLY bad day on Sunday, and was with my best friend. I told her I was feeling terrible (Emotioanlly). I really felt I was crashing badly. But I don't think I could get the severity across accurately. She could understand that there was something wrong, but probably not quite how bad.
Another person would have broken down and burst into tears.
Once I got home, I sent her a message, allowing me to write about my emotions more elaborately.
We currently have 2 horses at our yard who's futures are a little dicey (One possibly has epilepsy and another is an older horse with a leg injury) - I seem so emotionless about it.
My friend's dad passed away 2 weeks ago, and I was spending 3 evenings a week having supper with him, so we were technically quite close, but I never felt real sadness.

It is a concern to me.

The only things I feel are internal (Depression and hypomania, anxiety...) but some things I don't even feel internally. And none of them I know how to express externally.

I experienced a similar situation. I was in the middle of one of the darkest stretches of my life, a 3 year episode. I was fluctuated from moderate to severe depression. And at the beginning of 2015 a friend died in a pretty terrible manner. But, it was really hard for me to feel anything. Someone else here posted about an "okay that happened" feeling/thought process. That's how it was for me. I thought it was just something wrong with me. I never thought about it being the medication I was taking.

If it's not medication maybe it's some kind of protection measure by the unconscious. I'm sorry that you're having to struggle with this.

[sugahorse1]

I feel anxiety and depression/loneliness internally VERY strong.
The only way I can get the emotion and severity across to others, is either by me journalling and sharing, or sometimes I am brave enough to talk to my friend face to face.
I am MUCH better at writing than talking.

I very rarely experience hypomania. I am BP2. This makes me think it would be easy enough to be on minimal meds. But it's the depression that becomes crippling, hence we have added more and more mood stabilisers. Well, Lamotrigine and Sodium Valproate at the moment, as well as Seroquel and Wellbutrin.

I also battle to focus and be very productive. On weekends I come across as lazy and at work I often cannot get stuck into anything, just spend a large portion of the day on the net.

Hmm. Yeah. My numb state - with occasional hypomanic episodes - lasted over one year and my ‘coping skill’ was adult selective mutism. The latter isn’t a ‘real’ DSM disorder (maybe it is now, or was then?) but I could not express my feelings, because I had none, and so I was quiet.

In all, I spent just over three years in a large mental hospital. I responded to ECT and began talking, and feeling, again. During the past (good god!) fourteen years I’ve had short periods of numbness but have largely been riding the highs and lows of mania and depression.

I have been cruising in a quasi-manic phase for over one year. I will have 2-3 symptoms for short periods of time but I spend myself into debt and I seek out partners for less-than-safe sex when my beloved partners are not available. Thank god for Craigslist.

The first two paragraphs certainly resonate: I do not think numbness is a simple problem with medications at all. I think that numbness, like my mutism, is a way of coping with the emotions that we fear the most. I feared that darkest energy of depression. By staying numb, and mute, I did not have to feel or process the grief that I was feeling. During my short manic episodes I also remained mute but I was clever enough to indulge in illicit sex with other girls and boys.

Horses. I grew up with horses - anywhere from 8 to 10 - that we showed and bred. And after I received my inheritance I had up to 12 (I had only 12 stalls). If I had my way, horses would be included in the category of domestic pets. I don’t think that I have ever felt as close to any one animal as I did to a gelding that I had for 11 years. A big and strong-muscled fellow with the temperament of a stallion; he had, as we used to say, ‘heart.’

I cannot imagine being depressed (as I believe you are) with two sick horses that need care.

Now, to close. I view numbness as a way of coping with depression, grief, &etc. It protects you. You have described it as a physical manifestation but do not make a convincing argument against internal numbness.

Numbness squashes all emotions, happy and sad. But I would posit that it is sadness - depression - that is the primary emotion that is squashed and happiness is secondarily quelled out of a skewed perception of that same depression: It is better not to feel at all rather than dealing with demons.

You only write specifically about ‘sad’ experiences, and only generally of being unable to physically express ‘happiness.’ Are you currently in therapy? On any medications? I believe that it might be time to try to feel, again, and come full face with your emotions.

My 2cents.

sugahorse It's good to see you again, though unfortunate the circumstances. It's been a long time!

Sorry you are feeling (or rather, not feeling...) this way. You're right, it could be a med thing, but it also could be a coping thing. Or both. Do you tend to stuff things down and/or feel overwhelmed? I do. And I find it not unusual to have a non-response a lot of the time. Like I just can't feel it. And I've come to the conclusion that it (in my case anyway) is like a shutting down. Overload's been reached, and I just kind of short out into nothingness. Is it possible something like that's going on?

[sugahorse1]

@ Cider - I am not in therapy. I don't actually know where/what to start. I used to see a T, but realised she was more fulfilling a role of a "best friend", and therefore our conversations never really reached the therapy stage.
Yes, at the time I did not have a best friend, nor anyone I could really talk to. Maybe she served the purpose at the time.

When I started making more friendships, I didn't need a therapist to be my "Best friend" and so I terminated. I realised this form of therapy was a waste of time and money.

Maybe now that I am in a better space I can look at going to therapy again.

I do take meds; listed below in my signature.

Horses do offer me a form of escapism, as I then have something else to focus on. But it is DAMN hard to get motivated to leave the house to visit/work the horses. And tacking up to ride is equally difficult. But once I've gotten my A into G, it really puts me into a much better space

Who writes the scripts for your meds? I have abandoned therapy, really, and I am going to have to ask my primary care physician to write my psych scripts. I’m only on two, now, but my Seroquel dosage is very high.

Yes, I think that you would do well to look for a new therapist. I have trust issues and I will not tell the whole truth for 2+ years. I am also a bit of an intellectual elitist and I cannot abide a stupid therapist. I think - my opinion only - that you must allow a good therapist a degree of (I cannot think of a word!) guidance (?) over your treatment. An acknowledgment that your PhDs do not trump those of a psychologist nor the MD of a psychiatrist. An attitude that a therapist or shrink might know more than you about your mental state.

I was abused by my second shrink. I spent a few years feeling guilty and then another year full of rage. Hence the trust issues. One thing that I realized is that your t/pdoc can never, never be your friend. And I struggle, too, with the aforementioned knowledge of your mental state - when you say numb I respond, yes, yes and yes. But when I[ say numb to my pdoc/t and they ask me to explain what I mean, anger overcomes me and my inclination is to curse them and belittle them.

Hmm. Yeah, I have some anger issues, too.

But, yes, I think that if you can find a good t/pdoc and approach them in an appropriate and professional manner, acquiesce to their superior knowledge, and find a common playing field, then I think therapy can be most beneficial.

Ha! I remember the days when I would not leave my apartment to travel the 50-feet to my mailbox! I thank Cronus that those day are over: with Christmas coming my small mailbox is filled with catalogs; some from places that I have never heard of, much less shopped. And, from the places that I have shopped, I receive catalogs with hundreds of pages of hip gear... for women. Sundance (the Robert Redford catalog) has the models that most appeal to me and I have ordered gifts from them, thus the hundred-page catalog.

In 1973 I believed that I had invented a new term, a meme (if you follow Richard Dawkins), when I wrote “moral energy.” I was disappointed to find that the term had been usurped by theologians and new-agers. Nonetheless, I describe that great reluctance to get up from one’s arse to accomplish a worthwhile, necessary, or enjoyable goal, as “lacking moral energy.” “I can’t come to fix your computer, Tom; I simply do not have the moral energy to leave my apartment.” Tom waited over one year before I travelled the three floors to fix his computer. I found him dead on his bed.

Now, wouldn’t you feel shitey if you summoned the moral energy to saddle up only to find one - or both - of your horses dead?

“Moral energy” baffles me more than “dark energy.” The latter can be posited by that which we do not see. The former - golly! - well, it cannot be observed, either, but I believe that it is exchanged, shared, bartered, what-have-you, by human touch. I believe that, one day, moral energy will be measured and that it will be found in abundance after kissing babies or making love and that it will only dip by one-quarter bar (‘bar’ being the unit of measure) with a hug or a handshake.

Grab some moral energy and ride. Walk or canter. Gallop if you’ve the space.

Space. A better space. A space to allow someone else to examine your head. Space that allows you to gallop. Oh, I could word-f**k all day but my caregiver will be here in 42 minutes and the security system tech should be here shortly. And so I will, adieu!

[piano97]

I'm sorry you are having numbness. I am too, big-time. I wish I could cry, but I can't and haven't in a long long time. It would be cathartic if I (or you too probably) could. Thank you for your post and sharing, even if it seems you can't feel anything, by posting you took a step closer to it.

[sugahorse1]

Hi Cider - thanks for an interesting and insightful post yet again.
I did ride yesterday. Even if only for 20min. And my horse went very well, so I at least felt good and like I had accomplished something.

My pdoc writes my script. I don't actually have a GP at the moment, because I never go to the doctor.

I think I also have an above average IQ and that kind of mind that always wants to push the envelope. It means that with my pdoc I can be very much a part of the treatment process, and even suggest possible med combo's. My t used to find me a bit of a challenge due to the nature of my questions and thinking.

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

Hi Cider - thanks for an interesting and insightful post yet again.
I did ride yesterday. Even if only for 20min. And my horse went very well, so I at least felt good and like I had accomplished something.

My pdoc writes my script. I don't actually have a GP at the moment, because I never go to the doctor.

I think I also have an above average IQ and that kind of mind that always wants to push the envelope. It means that with my pdoc I can be very much a part of the treatment process, and even suggest possible med combo's. My t used to find me a bit of a challenge due to the nature of my questions and thinking.

You are lucky to have an amiable psychiatrist. My therapist and psychiatrist are both suspicious of my suggestions: anything that I suggest is shot down with an “oh, I suppose you learned that from the internet?” And, yes, that is usually true. So I have to engage them in a dance, I have to dance and repeat symptoms (very real symptoms!) to expect a change.

In short, my psych-care combo do not want me to participate in my therapy. That is true of all of my physical-care docs, as well. When I call and say. “I believe that I have pneumonia,” they say no, no, call 911 and so I do and when I get to the hospital, I’m told that I have pneumonia.

I once had psychs that allowed me to participate in my own care... before the internet connected, well, everything.

I used to ride along the giant electrical lines for hours. I remember the smells. Freshly mown grass, leather, my horse’s scent. I envy you your rides. I’ve not ridden since 1998.

Yes, but numbness. Is there something that you fear?