Did you ever abuse anyone: emotionally, spiritually, physically or in any other way?

I was recently advised on a different thread about the policy of psychcentral regarding victims and perpetretors of abuse:

"Pedophiles, rapists, and others that have abused another individual physically, psychologically, emotionally or sexually (generally real or acted-upon) are not welcome here because our focus is on support for victims of such abuse; the two are not compatible with one another. Exceptions can be made on a case-by-case basis."

I'm not a pedophile or a rapist but I do now recognize that not only have I been a victim of abuse, I have also been a perpetrator. Mostly this goes into the category of not respecting people's boundaries or even being aware that they exist.

I was raised with emotional and physical abuse. I didn't feel loved as a . child by my parents and when it was my turn I didn't know how to love my son properly... It was not at the level I experienced growing up. I don't know how much was just . bad parenting vs what crosses over into abuse. There was definitely some neglect as well. It didn't help that his father died when my son was 8. I'm sorry about my failures as a parent.

Then there were other people... I developed an erotomania once, which passed away[thank goodness] without crossing over into stalking. But it could have turned out differently. I was very obsessed. It was just some peculiarities in my delusional belief system that prevented me from stalking since we were already communicating secretly through the radio in my car on a particular radio station...

I'm not equating abuse with mental illness. However there is some cross over. I believe it is true that people who were abused as children are more likely to develop mental illness and also to grow up to be abusers themselves. I also don't think there is a one size fits all account of abuse. Some people have genuine remorse once it is pointed out to them not only what they did but how damaging it was.

I have a poor memory and am plagued by guilt sometimes for my past misdeeds. According to the above quoted policy, if I admit I have abused people in the past then I am not welcome here.

Thanks for sharing this. In my life, I have been both abused & the abuser. And, like you, I am plagued by guilt regarding my past deeds. It is part of the reason I have become mostly a recluse. I consider it to be my gift to the world, or at least that tiny portion of it I inhabit. No good has ever accrued from me having anything to do with anyone. I have often wished that someone, presumably a mental health professional, could tell me that I have always had some identifiable mental illness & that's why I did the things I did... because otherwise... it means I was simply a bad seed.

I don't recall having read the policy statement that was apparently quoted to you. Perhaps I did. But I would presume that the intent here is primarily to warn off anyone who thinks they can come here & be abusive. Human beings are complex. Yes, I do believe there are some individuals where-in the bad is so overarching that it simply swamps any shred of goodness that exists. But most of us are complicated mixtures of "the good, the bad, & the ugly"... to borrow a phrase. The Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön has written that bodhisattva's are to be found among thieves and murderers.

I believe that the important thing here is whether or not a person can be a caring supportive member here on PC... not whether or not they've ever done anything that could be considered by someone to be abusive. By that standard, I suspect the membership here on PC would be pretty small. I wish you well...

Thank you for sharing too Skeezyks. I wish you well too.

I feel a tiny bit less alone with my dark thoughts after reading your post, so you have helped one person at least today.

That policy quote had an effect to tell me I didn't belong here because I was opening up about my potential as an abuser -- someone not welcome according to the policy...

as you say 'the good, the bad, and the ugly' we most of us have some mixtures and how can we fix ourselves unless we also address the ugly parts, without all being welcome.

I agree with your interpretation. That is a healthy way to look at it and that is how I'll chose to think about it as well.

I don't think that I've been abusive in a "positive" sense of the word, but I have been emotionally abusive through neglect. When I was younger, I was often much more self-absorbed and didn't give my friends and/or significant other the care and respect that they deserved from me.

I still screw up from time to time, but I'd say that in general I'm a pretty good friend and partner now.

I've done things in my distant past that could have been interpreted as not good. I know the difference now and choose not to do those things. I learned, but I pay every day in guilt and get reminded regularly about what I did. Thinking about those times, seven+ years ago, makes me ill, physically and emotionally. I've apologized, I've changed. I'll never go back to that state. I did the best I could in those situations, but it wasn't the right choices. I know my evils and have not gone back to them in seven years. Certainly this is a move forward for me?
I've also been, and was then as well, a victim of abuse and neglect. I was doing what I was told to do, because I had been convinced it was the right thing to do at the time. I know the difference now. That doesn't remove guilt or my feelings of guilt, and I'll live with those my remaining days.
I know that is a completely different person than the one writing this. I cannot forgive myself some of these things but know I need to in order to grow.
If admitting these things from my past is reason for my dismissal, then do it. You have your rules. I won't look for support elsewhere. I'll go without because I can't start over. I don't have it in me.

I'm not sure if this counts as abuse, but I think if I feel guilt over it and I think it might be abuse... it probably is.
My freshman year roommate was a very timid and shy girl. She apologized for everything and went out of her way not to upset or offend me (not that I am easily upset or offended). Had I been educated on abuse like I am now, those would have been red flags for someone who maybe had been abused. Sure enough, one night we got drunk and she told me all about abuse she suffered as a child and teenager, and it was very clear she struggled with it every day.
I did suggest therapy -- I told her I go, and it helps me a lot -- but when she refused to go, instead of supporting her and being kind, I decided I would take it into my own hands. I would scold her whenever she apologized for something unnecessary, I would shame her when she was unable to make a decision, I would chastise her when she didn't stick up for herself or speak up when she wanted to.
I feel terrible about how I treated her. I should have been more empathetic, more kind, more willing to listen and accept her rather than try to force her to change. Now that I myself have been a victim of abuse (much different than her experience, though), I understand how it changes your behavior. I feel very guilty still for not being understanding, although we got dinner a few months ago and I apologized for being so mean to her freshman year. She was very gracious and for that I am grateful.

I was abused emotionally. Mom was abusive. We model our parents. It kills me how I have been emotionally/verbally abusive to my h. This is the cycle of abuse. So, the PC rules that say I am not welcome here because I have been emotionally abusive, are not hard/fast rules. I am on here to get help and cope.

Plus, I do not act abusive to anyone on PC.

I thought for a long time I was not angry, but that was an illusion. I have to accept my own anger before being able to deal with it, rather than denying the anger altogether. My abusive behavior tends to leak out when I am angry... it's like I still have tapes to unlearn.

My experience is also that abusers will claim that they are the only one's being abused. Some people seem incapable of examining their own actions or they are blame casting.

I only recently realised how much anger I have stored. I was denying it, same as you. I had a couple days where I wanted to hit something, hard and maybe even have it kick my arse because then I'd feel the same inside and out. That's my messed up logic and I need to deal with it, so I'm going back to the kickboxing workout class this week, Core de Force.