It's All Crashing Down....

I am so angry at myself. I can't do anything right. I throw money around and make decisions without thinking everything through. I backed myself into a hole, and I don't know how to get out of this. Regret just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had a few days where I was kind of manicky. Not even euphoric, but almost this pressure to do everything all at once, my mind being super active, only for it to all crash. I just feel so dumb at life and don't know how to clean up all the messes that I make financially and otherwise.

I just feel incapable of making the right decisions then hate myself for doing things so quickly that are hard to un-do. I feel like jumping out of my skin, like I can run a marathon right now, because I have this excessive horrible energy that I don't know what to do with it. I'm tempted to call out work tomorrow, but since my boss is on leave, the "big boss" who barely knows me is in charge of my timesheet, so I don't want to make a bad impression. I can't turn my mind off and feel so horrible. My anxiety is through the roof. Please help me. I've been shaking and crying my eyes out. This is horrible.

I said to myself the other day, how can someone(me)who has no money spend so much of it.

Money is an issue for me too. Rent? Bills? Food? Nah, I'm going to spend it on dumb stuff or go on a bender and spend 8 hours at the casino.

I have only the positive of knowing that maybe tomorrow won't be so bad and keep going. I figure out ways to repair the damage until next time. Wash, rinse, repeat. Sometimes it takes weeks to sort out. But we are resourceful. It will get better.

Thanks. Everything is so jumbled in my head. It won't stop...the racing thoughts of everything. This wI'll take a long time. I always feel things need to be fixed immediately and I'm extreme self critical. I took 2 klonopin today, plus Gabapentin, so I don't completely lose it. I feel like crap though.

I was like this 3 years ago when I ended up ip for the first time. Every part of my life was a mess, EVERYTHING. I ended up with a really good therapist who helped me focus on 1 thing at a time. We would set goals, what to compete first etc. This took quite some time to sort through. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't see straight. I still have issues with spending m, it's a work in progress. Just wanted you to know your not alone, we understand here

Thank you. It helps to post here.

Today was such a roller coaster ride. I had to take an extra Gabapentin and klonopin and was thinking about doubling my klonopin, but I was trying to work and didn't want to push my luck. Even with all my meds, there were times of the day where I was on the verge of a panic attack. I broke down a couple of times today. I feel like I might be entering a mixed state triggered by some situational stuff.

so sorry, but it does sound mixed to me. But I could be wrong. Often times I am.

I'm still feeling completely horrible. I feel like breaking things or jumping out of a car, came very close to self-harm, I still feel this "inner restless energy" that I can't get a hold of. My meds aren't doing enough for my anxiety. I did recently lower my Seroquel and for a while I was feeling better. I was less sleepy. I didn't experience withdrawal. However, now things are getting really bad. I don't want my pdoc to think that I have to be on high dose of meds for life or anything like that. Maybe it's time to take my higher dose of Seroquel until I see her?

Sorry you’re not feeling well. I’d probably take the higher dose until you see your pdoc. You can always be weaned to a lower dose when you’re well.
The dose of Seroquel I’m on is in a constant state of flux because of episodes and my pdoc always tries to pull back during well periods. Hopefully yours will do the same.

Thank you. My Seroquel dose is always changing as well. I've been on anywhere between 200-800 mg. The 200 mg was a big mistake though. Maybe some day I'll get to that point, but it's just not enough right now. Usually 300-400 mg is my maintenance dose. Anything higher than that, I get side effects. Luckily, if I take more now, I'll be at 400 mg, which I can usually tolerate okay (I do get some side effects). It does help with the mania and anxiety when I'm on the right dose, but I always go up and down on it since I rapidly cycle lately.

Let us know how you go.

Thanks, I will.

how is your sleeping?
400mg doesn't sound high enough for right now.
((((HUGS))))
bizi
sorry it is so hard.....

I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. I teared up reading your posts because I can relate to all of your thoughts and feelings so much. I'm not in a place to give advice or help, but I do relate to you so very much. I wish I could give you a hug. We could cry together if that would help.

I know its a terrible feeling. I hope you can forgive yourself. It isn't something I've been able to do for myself yet either though.

Big hugs Thank you. I am so sorry you're feeling this way too. I just want this to go away.

I just took the higher dose of Seroquel today, since I had some extra pills and my pdoc isn't available right now. I slept better than I did when on the lower dose, but I'm still only sleeping a few hours. Whenever I need to call a doctor, it always happens to be on a Sunday, when nobody is in the office! I hope to speak with my pdoc tomorrow just to tell her I want to increase the Seroquel. Today, my heart isn't racing as much as yesterday since taking the higher dose, since Seroquel with all my other meds is a tranquilizing combination for most people, but I am still feeling pretty awful. I am on the verge of crying most of the day and feel very anxious. The racing thoughts are still bad.

Sounds like the increase was a good idea. I am glad you can contact your pdoc within a few hours (Monday).

Do you have PRNs you can also use if you need them?

I am very sorry you are having such a tough time!



WC

Thank you. Klonopin is the medication I have been prescribed "as needed" or daily during an especially bad period of time. In the past, I was on Gabapentin 900 mg, but I am on 600 mg. I know it wouldn't hurt to take an extra Gabapentin (each pill is 300 mg), if needed. Sometimes it does make me a little dizzy though, and it's hard to tell how much it actually helps. The klonopin helps take the edge off a little. I just wish something helped more with the racing or intrusive thoughts that cause a lot of anxiety.

I called my pdoc today to get permission to keep taking the higher dose of Seroquel. She said it's okay, but she needs to see me this week. Although the Seroquel is helping with some of the physical symptoms of anxiety, my actual mood dipped into more of a depression. I feel like I'm about to cry a lot and that it is hard to make decisions. I am glad it has a sedating effect though, because I've definitely been needing it.

Hugs to you raven.