I don’t know what’s happened to me.

I can relate to so many threads here on things hard to do—showering, cleaning/organizing, eating properly, exercising, making conversation, working! I’m able to do these things, I can. It’s just harder than it used to be. Everything. Driving. Walking. I even put my credit cards on autopay (all my other bills were already). I barely care about whether the bills are correct. I barely care about anything.

What has happened to me.

Did my bipolar disorder get worse?

Is it because I got put on lithium? Is it the gabapentin? Or both?

I don’t think I feel depressed. I have anxiety, but I always have had that. If anything, it’s better. Maybe it’s the reduction in anxiety. Maybe the anxiety was my motivation. I don’t know.

I know you guys can’t tell me. I’m whining I guess.

Originally Posted by key tones

I don’t know what’s happened to me.

I can relate to so many threads here on things hard to do—showering, cleaning/organizing, eating properly, exercising, making conversation, working! I’m able to do these things, I can. It’s just harder than it used to be. Everything. Driving. Walking. I even put my credit cards on autopay (all my other bills were already). I barely care about whether the bills are correct. I barely care about anything.

What has happened to me.

Did my bipolar disorder get worse?

Is it because I got put on lithium? Is it the gabapentin? Or both?

I don’t think I feel depressed. I have anxiety, but I always have had that. If anything, it’s better. Maybe it’s the reduction in anxiety. Maybe the anxiety was my motivation. I don’t know.

I know you guys can’t tell me. I’m whining I guess.

in my experience, it's all about what's important, and what needs doing.

showering and eating healthily are difficult- showering because I live alone and it doesn't really matter if I shower or not (I mean I never feel better for having one, and my body is so ugly anyway), it's like why do it?

eating healthy's the same... it's like more along the lines of- well my binge eating's going to kill me anyway, and my weight is past fixing, why bother?

with regards to bills and paying rent, well I don't think I'm one to talk... that's why I got evicted from my old property- I was in hospital and couldn't pay anyway, and even when I can it's like.. why spend it on bills, I can buy stuff on amazon, but I also know I have to do it eventually

like I know I'm moving on the 26th, so have to prepare for that- and I try and do the things I need to prepare myself for that as soon as possible, or the anxiety creeps in about not having done it.

anything else can wait

going back to something like showering.. I know I have to do it eventually, but it's not like top of my list, so it can wait until I can be bothered

even going to bed... I barely sleep, but still I know I need to go to bed, because i need to be healthy and rest, but most nights I can't even do that.. so I'll say something like oh screw it, I'll just not go to bed tonight, then that 1 night turns in to 100

[amicus_curiae]

I get really bad without having Real People on hand.

I slept for a few hours Friday, I think. Like key tones, I’m not depressed - in fact, I’m manic. And psychotic. I had a ‘lost reality’ period an hour or so ago but I’m back and grooving again.

During the next three days I will be in bed for all but 30-minutes a day. 15-minutes to shower, 15-minutes for all other activities. I can sympathize/empathize with shattered sanity in re finances. I keep digging myself so deep in debt that I will never catch up with my bankruptcy legal fees. I keep thinking that I can do these things on my own, but that’s a huge lie.

I have health issues that were supposed to kill me 15, 13 and 12-years-ago, but here I am. Brutally disfigured but loved irregularly. I’m actually a little vain about my body but, like shattered, I usually binge on one item at the first of the month (when my SSDI is deposited) - like a giant chocolate freezer ‘cake’ made up of ten different chocolate textures: I cut one slice and keep going back for more until I eat the whole thing, risking a diabetic coma, and then I get sick.

I do it over and over again. The spending money that I don’t have. I don’t have rent money. Or utility money. Or money for food. The latter means no chocolate cakes. That’s good. You either get the repeated compulsive behavior or not. It took me six years to go through $3.6 million - all (not) going to continuous education.

Everything that needs doing, all of the things that need doing, I think about them. I talk about them (wistfully, now... “one day I need to clean my storage closet...”). I have and haven’t been this way for a long time. I was never ‘good with money,’ but I spent decades accomplishing ‘things’ (maybe esoteric things?).

Why is everything so hard? Three of the five people in my life know of my financial woes. Crap. I need an internet hobby. Where’s all that free porn? I need some air.

I hear ya. It's amazing how much less I am able to do.

I'm a little concerned that you put your credit cards on auto pay. Other bills, fine, but I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have had to dispute charges on our credit cards because of vendor errors, fraud, and non-delivery of ordered items. If the charges are paid, it's a whole lot more difficult to dispute. The credit card companies expect that you haven't paid such charges when you contact them about such issues.

Once my hubby and I stayed in a flea bag motel which should have charged our card $50, but they charged our card $5,000. That's just one of many examples.

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I hear ya. It's amazing how much less I am able to do.

I'm a little concerned that you put your credit cards on auto pay. Other bills, fine, but I can't tell you how many times my husband and I have had to dispute charges on our credit cards because of vendor errors, fraud, and non-delivery of ordered items. If the charges are paid, it's a whole lot more difficult to dispute. The credit card companies expect that you haven't paid such charges when you contact them about such issues.

Once my hubby and I stayed in a flea bag motel which should have charged our card $50, but they charged our card $5,000. That's just one of many examples.

I know. I’ve had problems show up. I won’t order online anymore unless it’s a major retailer like Amazon, Zappos, or Eddie Bauer. I’ve quit using the credit card if it isn’t someplace I usually go. I carry cash.

But yeah, I don’t care as much as I used to.

I have the opportunity to open statements and look before the autopay. But I definitely go through periods where I do not care and don’t open my mail.

This is unlike the old me. I used to reconcile my bank balance religiously, and log on to credit card accounts often.

I could have wrote your post. I'm shocked! I'm also not depressed but unmotivated. I didn't pay my electric bill and they closed our account. That has never happened to me before. I didn't shower for two weeks. I just don't give a crap. I've also debated whether its meds or lack of anxiety. My anxiety motivates me. I don't have any advice, I am just stunned to see this. Thank you.

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I could have wrote your post. I'm shocked! I'm also not depressed but unmotivated. I didn't pay my electric bill and they closed our account. That has never happened to me before. I didn't shower for two weeks. I just don't give a crap. I've also debated whether its meds or lack of anxiety. My anxiety motivates me. I don't have any advice, I am just stunned to see this. Thank you.

I wondered if I would get replies. I see I’m not alone in this. Thank you for posting.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are going through this.

I'd had yet another conversation about this with my pdoc just yesterday. I usually want to be able to do things; yet, cannot get them done. After too many days of feeling like a failure, I can become apathetic and no longer care.

My quality of life is definitely lacking.

You are not alone.
I am sorry you are encountering the same/similar.


WC

[Zigy]

Originally Posted by key tones

I don’t know what’s happened to me.

I can relate to so many threads here on things hard to do—showering, cleaning/organizing, eating properly, exercising, making conversation, working! I’m able to do these things, I can. It’s just harder than it used to be. Everything. Driving. Walking. I even put my credit cards on autopay (all my other bills were already). I barely care about whether the bills are correct. I barely care about anything.

What has happened to me.

Did my bipolar disorder get worse?

Is it because I got put on lithium? Is it the gabapentin? Or both?

I don’t think I feel depressed. I have anxiety, but I always have had that. If anything, it’s better. Maybe it’s the reduction in anxiety. Maybe the anxiety was my motivation. I don’t know.

I know you guys can’t tell me. I’m whining I guess.

I'm there too. Everything comes hard. I suspect this is depression. You're not the only one. Although, could be side effect of meds. Some meds make you slow.

[xRavenx]

I've been feeling similarly lately. I reflect on all the things I just don't have the drive to doc. When I am manic, I'm too disorganized as far as my thought process goes to be *truly* productive when it hits my breaking point. Driving is such a chore, exercise is something that I want to do, but I don't follow through. Organizing my stuff is just something I don't bother with anymore. My credit cards are on autopay, and can hardly be bothered, but I try checking enough to make sure there are no fraudulent charges, that's exhausting too, even thought that shouldn't be that much of a task.

I don't shop the way I used to, unless manic, and I just spend money online by the click of a mouse. I do not feel like going to the store and don't as often as I used to. Everything is just too much for me. I am not on Lithium, but I'm on Gabapentin. Not sure if that has anything to do with this though. I work, but I go through the motions.

I wish I could give some good advice. Just sharing that you're not alone.
Hopefully this will pass soon enough.

[Jensitive22]

I can definitely relate to all your posts. I have found, though, that when i give into this lack of motivation it feeds my depression. I hate that everything, even simple things have to be hard, so I have to find ways to push through that. I dreaded showering too, the whole process was overwhelming, so one day I realized (epiphany!) I don’t have to wash my hair and shave everyday. I can just take a quick soap and rinse of the necessaries most days. I wash my hair 2x a week and keep it short so it is easy to maintain. I shave 2x a week too. I use a good razor, good shaving cream and I slather my legs with nice smelling lotion. After months and months of not shaving my legs and feeling so ugly, having smooth soft legs has become an important part of my self care. Doing it 2x a week makes it easy to maintain.
I am 55 years old and more than a hundred pounds overweight, and shaved legs helps me to feel more feminine and sexy.

[Gabyunbound]

Ohhh, you are not alone!

I have extreme difficulty in getting anything done (laundry, paying bills, going through mail, making phone calls, showering, leaving the house when it's not for work, etc., etc., etc.). Just to go through mail, once it's really piled up, I'll sometimes ask help from a friend: we Face Time and I go through it with her. I can talk about what I'm opening at the time, ask for help if I don't understand something, complain if it's something troublesome. It helps a lot, but I can't always be doing that.

For me, I think it might be anxiety. When I even THINK of having to get anything done, a well of anxiety creeps up on me, until I feel utterly paralyzed. I know I'll feel better if I just do these things, but I don't. And then I feel terrible about myself and feel down. And round and round it goes. I wish I had some good advice. I wish I knew what was going on with me. This has been going on for a couple of years now, but it's getting worse. I wish there were a magic pill, something that could help, but I don't see anything on the horizon. Maybe therapy would help, but right now I can't afford it and I would likely have to miss some work.

Good luck. I think I really know what you're going through!

[tsrc78]

I definitely understand how you are feeling. It’s gotten very hard to do things as my condition has gotten worse.

I am lucky, I guess, that I have husband who helps out with cleaning and most of the cooking. But I still have to deal with all the the things for our kids, any cooking that requires planning, and it’s very draining. I used to try to cook breakfast in the morning, but lately I just put bowls, spoons, and a box of cereal on the table and they get their milk after they are dressed - I call it the bipolar mom’s breakfast. Then I just sit on the couch covered with a blanket, depressed, verbally instruct them to get ready, until my husband takes them to school. I am so glad they are 8 and 10 and can do basic daily tasks on their own.

I am having problems keeping our bills straight too. I’ve always been the one to pay the bills, but lately I told him he needs to take over most of the finances, because I just have the concentration to do it anymore. He hasn’t really though, because I can’t get myself organized enough to tell him what to do. I would have our bills on autopay (though never credit cards) if we actually had the money to not be about a month behind on everything, except rent.

I don’t work, I really don’t need to, because my moods are so unpredictable. I’ve tried to do a home-based business with my husband recently, and it didn’t work because I had to do all of the initial work of setting up the business. I became manic then crashed down to extreme depression, and hospitalized with a mixed episode. We’re trying to do something similar, though much less stressful, and I can’t get the motivation to really get this started. I’ve always been the obsessive organizer, my husband is the doer, but you can’t do anything until you organize first, and that’s what I have a hard time doing. I used to do everything, and now I can’t do much of anything.

It would be so much easier if my husband had an actual job that took him out of the home, but he doesn’t. And honestly even with the motivation issues I have, I think I’d be so much better off if I were alone, only had myself to care about. I hate feeling that way, but when you can’t concentrate enough and have mood swings bad enough to keep you from working, you have little motivation to work at home, have 3 other people in the household to worry about, and the only income is your disability, it makes it so hard to not want to be alone. And I think it actually makes me less motivated to do things.

It’s hard, it’s just so hard dealing with this. I wish I knew what to do, but know you are not the only one who feels this too.

[emgreen]

I can relate to much of what key tones describes. The especially puzzling thing for me is the difficulty I have with showering. Once I get in the shower it's a piece of cake - it's just so hard to get there. I have no problem helping clean house because if I didn't I'd be greeted with the cold shoulder by my girlfriend! I've learned over time that paying bills is something that must be done; computer payment & direct deposit save my butt, too. As with many things, though, I question whether or not my procrastination is a product of BP, or just something in my nature. When I'm really depressed I feel it's definitely related to BP, but I try not to make blanket excuses based on the fact that I have BP disorder. That's just me, though.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah, I've felt that way. Even though my husband helps with cleaning and cooking, I still have a lot to do. I also have two young adults who usually need advice and help. I'm also going to college online. It's all draining and my husband wants to do jigsaw puzzles after dinner but my brain is fried and my body just wants to sleep.

Showering is hard. Actually any personal hygiene is hard. I sweat a lot so I know I need be clean, but sometimes even brushing my teeth is hard.