Reaching Out For Patience

I am at the end of my rope, and I don't know what to do....

My Seroquel Dosage was doubled last week, but honestly what I am going through in my head and in my heart, medication can't help me with, I mean even if I wasn't bipolar, I would be in the same amount of pain.

My mom has been back and forth in the hospital for months. She developed H-Pylori due to the fact that she failed to look after herself and eat properly, which I have to admit i am raging mad at her now for doing that to herself, and just putting my family through hell. Call me selfish but at this point I don't even &^&%&ing care.

She was getting better, the doctores were helping. She had a colonoscopy done, she was taking her meds and things seemed fine for a while.

Until a few days ago.....

She turned for the worse. Weaker and weaker she got every day, unable to find out what was wrong despite another trip to the doctor this past Sunday. My mom was the strongest and healthiest woman I knew at one time. An avid runner, and in excellent shape, basically in training for her next accomplishment to participate in the NYC marathon....

Now she has been broken into a state, where just a moment ago she told me that she was ready to die, that she is going to die, and I should be prepared.

I can't. i just fcking can't. Like I don't have it in me to hear that and I can't take it, and tears are just falling from my face as I type this. I am in no condition to handle this, at all, in any shape or form.

And God All Mighty help me because I have been calling BOTH numbers at her doctor's office and they have been BOTH ringing out for the past fifteen minutes. WTF?? WHY THE HELL IS NO ONE PICKING UP THE GOD DAMN PHONE AT 12:35PM ON A GOD DAMN WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON???? Can somebody please tell me????

I can't I just can't. I am hiding in my room, gripping my phone, calling and calling these numbers, praying that someone will help me. I can't go back out there, cause my mom is just walking around the house saying she is going to die.

The option to take her to the Emergency Room is absolutely useless, because we had gone back and forth for what felt like dozens of times, each time them releasing her, "because they found nothing wrong" I literally cannot sit there for hours again for me to hear that shyt again. And compounded on top of that, all those useless Emergency Room visits, ends up costing so much money, like, I don't know....UGH, I can't do this.

I don't even know if I want any advice, I don't even know what I am asking for, all I know is right now at this moment, all I want is some patience to get through this, so I don't end up doing something really stupid, (like going out there and yelling at my mom), and God Help Me This Bipolar Bullcrap has my head spinning and spinning and my heart beating out of control.

Please, not now, not when things were going so well, and I finally thought I was getting better, and things were looking up, that this had to happen.

I'm so sorry your going through this. That's so HARD. I'm sending big hugs to you. Just know that we are all here for you!!

(((((( LadyShadow ))))))

Thinking of you.

WC

(((((LadyShadow)))))

It's hard when a parent just gives up like that.

Lots of prayers and love for you and your family, especially your mom.

I'm sorry Ladyshadow--she's your mom so it's hard but please keep in mind that if it is not morning where you are if she manages to get a good night of sleep--she might suddenly feel a bit better in the morning. Someone I know was just put in hospice then, suddenly, one morning she had an appetite and then 2 days later she is doing so much better. The later in the day it gets--the worse you feel--the weaker you feel. Of course I don't know what is in store for your mom but sometimes you have to ride it out. Also, maybe google her meds--sometimes meds side effects and interactions cause so much harm. Obviously, if you see a concern, talk to the pharmacist/doc but I would check if there has been any changes in her meds....

And just leave messages. That is all you can do if no one is picking up. Take little breaks if you can. When my mom was sick we took turns sleeping in the bed with her. Just because she thinks she is going to die today--does not mean it will happen. That she is able to talk is a hopeful sign.

Thank you to everyone who left something for me here on this thread. I unbelievably grateful, and I think everyone needs their own special response from me.

Thank you so much for this. I know how wonderful everyone is here, and how supportive this community is. It really is HARD, and when you go through something like this, sometimes all you need is some support to get you through it. Thank you for your hugs!

((((Wild Coyote))) (I was given a limit of smileys to use, BOO!)

Thank you for always thinking of me, and going out of your way to answer my threads. You have become so valuable to me with your input, for what seems like years now, on and off. I am so grateful!!

I know Fhrarraige, it was SO hard for me to see her give up on herself, I couldn't do it, I mean I just couldn't, I couldn't stand to hear it, it broke my heart so much and I just broke down under a mountain of tears. She needs my strength now, so I am going to be strong for her, even if she can't right now. Thank you so much for your love and prayers, I truly appreciate it.

Thank you so much Hopingtrying, for BOTH your wonderful, caring messages. She is resting now, so the worst is over, I stepped in and fought hard for her, and got her an appointment for next week, (rather than their next available, April 25th appointment). I fought tooth and nail, on the phone what seemed like hours, talking to supervisors and doctors, pushing hard, using all the skills I know to get her in there. Thank the God above that I prevailed, and all that's left is to hold out till next week's appointment.

Your advice and thoughts were right on point, and extremely helpful, because you're right, she was in a total panic, dramatic mode, and now that I sat and spent time with her, she was able to drift off and get some much needed rest. Also, I kept my own needs in mind, and spent a wonderful hour sitting outside, in the amazing 66 degree weather we had today, and enjoying the sun, praying, and being incredibly grateful for all I have.

So thank you all, I made it through what seemed to be at the time a total nightmare.

I'm sorry you're struggling, you've certainly got a lot going on. Keep being persistent with the phone call.
(((((LadyShadow)))))

Just checking in on you before I retire for the night.
I am glad you've had a relatively good day and things are looking up.
You and your mom have been on my mind today.
I hope you each/both have a restful night.
Love and Prayers,

WC

Good job fighting! You are such a good daughter. I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time

I'm so sorry for what you went/are going through. I will say a prayer for you and your mom and hope she gets some real answers and help at her appointment.

Do we get better? I’m not certain. I think that we can go through long periods of being up and say, to ourselves, that we’re ‘getting better,’ and then a crisis occurs and we’re crashed and burning once again and no amount of tranquillisers can stay our fury.

My completely-not-DSM bipolar feelings tell me that I’m horrible at dealing with anything stressful and that which frightens me can send me into unreasonable bouts of depression or anger or a mixture of both.

You sound angry. I’m sorry and I hope that you won’t succumb to your anger without a fight. I don’t have any advise that would rise above the banal, just now. I wish that I was smarter. I wish that I could somehow communicate the exquisite empathy that I’m feeling. I’m just not that smart. I don’t do the virtual hugs, I don’t pray, but you seem like such a kind person that I can’t go without saying that I will write your name upon legal pad #976 and think of you.

***I was watching as you danced away***

It is so good that you are there for your mom. Just remember to take time to care for yourself as well. She may be around for many more years and the better you take care of yourself--the better it will be for both of you. You and your mom are in my prayers too!

Special and many thanks to you all for posting on this thread. (And even those who left hugs in support, I do love those too). Things are better, my mom is doing better, weak, but holding on strong. The appointment is made, so now is just the waiting game and helping my mom make it to next week, and honestly helping her day by day.

I spend most of the afternoon sitting with her and keeping her company, talking about current events and just life in general and distracting her mind from what she is feeling. It pains me, because she can't eat much, when she does, she has an "attack" like the gas in her stomach just bubbles making her very weak. It is also affecting her mood, and her mind, and has been an absolute nightmare for her, knowing how much of an athlete she was at one time...

But all your support is unbelievably appreciated, I mean PsychCentral and the people who come here, is such a Godsend to me I can't even tell you.

Yeah, I mean I don't like using bipolar as an excuse as to why I can't handle stressful situations, but it IS a factor as to why I fall to pieces sometimes, and I can't ignore it. Oh, I persisted with the phone call, time and time again, and I finally made it through. Thank you so much for the hugs and support!!

Awwww WildCoyote, you are the best!! Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It really warms my heart to know you are always there for me when I make threads or post, I appreicate it more than you know.

Aw, thank you keytones!! For so long, I had turned my back on my family, (my mom, my dad, and my sister), and as I got older and lost complete control of my life, and fell into despair, my mom was there for me the WHOLE time, and devoted herself to help me get through the hardest of times. I feel it is my DUTY to pay her back, for all she has done for me, and I honestly feel that more people should look after their elders these days. (I know sometimes there are extenuating circumstances and they NEED 24/7 care, so I am not including those). But the hardest part is over, today was a good day, and I am looking forward to many more. ((((keytones))))

Aw, Rain! You always seem to find me even though you just come out at night!!! You have been supportive of me for years, and don't think I don't notice and appreciate all you do. Thank you for checking in and offer your prayers and support, I hope she gets help at her appointment too.

You are so right HopingTrying!!! I know I need to take good care of myself or else I will be of no use to anyone, my mom included. I do practice rituals of self-care, and with the medication change, I seem to be more focused and in control, even though I did lose it yesterday. I do hope my mom will be around for years and years, I mean she's only 58. I am so mad that she wanted to just give up like that. But I am holding on strong, keeping things together, and doing the best I can. Thank you so much for praying for me, I appreciate it very much. Truly.

I’m not sure what to say except you have my deepest commiserations. It’s really hard to watch a parent fall apart.
Take care.

((((((ladyshadow)))))

You don't have to say anything really, just posting is enough for me. It is SO hard to watch a parent fall apart isn't it? I mean like my mom was like my hero, (I mean well, she still is) but to see her going from a strong healthy athlete, to this, is just like more than heartbreaking, like you wouldn't believe. But she is slowly improving, doing the best she can to make it next week's appointment, so all I can do is wait, and be as supportive as I can. It is a really tough situation, and I thank you for taking the time to write.

((((((((scatterbrained04)))))))

I've been going through a lot with my mom and her health, too. It's tough!
I had to stop in and give you another hug!

(((((( LadyShadow ))))))

By the way, I read your blog and love it! Thanks for sharing!


WC

No worries. My dad has started having falls (and denying it). You’re right though - all we can do is be as supportive as we can be.

Sorry to hear everything you have been struggling with

I really hope things turn soon and that your mother gets better, and you get a more peaceful state of mind.

Seeing loved ones going through rough times are really hard, and it can take a toll on everyone- regardless of MI. With your own struggles- which our racing minds often are- it is double the trouble sometimes.

You seem to be handling everything really well, you are a strong person.

I wish you all the best, hope you get a weekend with more rest. Take care of yourself.

Big hug

I am not sure how I missed your reply when I was answering all the responses, and I am really sorry for that!! It was totally unintentional!!

I know how hard it is, trust me, and yes I was very angry at the time, but like all waves of emotion we go through, it eventually passes, and brighter days are ahead. But you're absolutely right about the fact that when crisis occurs, no matter how "stable" we may feel, or how well the meds seem to be working, stressful situations can totally throw that all out the window in an utter flash! But fighting, and fighting, holding it together, even in the darkest of times, is all we can do. Giving up, for me, hasn't been an option in a very long time, because even though I crash and feel such lows, there is ALWAYS a better way, there is ALWAYS an option, we just have to OPEN our eyes and see it, and dammit, pick ourselves up and walk towards it.

I am sorry that you have been struggling with things, and you don't have to give virtual hugs, and you don't have to pray in order to be a kind, caring person. The fact that you took the time to write some words here and give me support, and even jot my name down on your legal pad there, is amazing, and I am unbelievably honored! Hang in there my friend, we are all in this bipolar mess together, we just have to hang on strong, and just get through another day. Minute by minute. Hour by hour.

Awww, I am so sorry to hear that your mom has been having difficulties too. I will keep her in my prayers and I wish for her a speedy recovery. It is really hard isn't it?? To just watch someone you love, especially an elder, just fall apart in front of your eyes. Stay strong, and hold on! And thanks for stopping by and leaving some more hugs!!

Aww, thanks for reading my blog, I am so glad you enjoy it! I have been taking extra care in making it more relatable and honest, and I have enjoyed the wonderful feedback from people!! It really is a great thing to know that we aren't alone in this fight, not by a long shot!!

Take care!!

I am really sorry about your dad. I know for a long time my dad was refusing to acknowledge his heart condition, and even though he went time and time again into the hospital, (a total of three heart attacks so far), he still drinks alcohol, and pushes himself farther than he should. All we can do is be as supportive as we can be, you're right. I do wish things improve with your dad though, and he becomes more vocal that he needs some help. Unfortunatley, pride does tend to get in the way with our elders, because they don't want to seem weak in front of their children. But hang in there!!

Thank you so much Cornucopia!! It is really tough to see loved ones go through hard times, and you're right, being bipolar ON TOP of all that stress, isn't helpful at all. I mean even people with out mental illness would have a hard time dealing with things like this.

But yes, I am doing really well, my mom is taking it easy and resting, and we are just holding on till next week's appointment. My strength is all I have really, because if I didn't fight the way I do, I would end up letting this bipolar conquer me, and honestly, I am SO tired of doing that, so I have to try to do something else.

It is helpful that the medication is helping the way it is, I honestly don't know what I wouild have done if I hadn't changed doctors recently.

Thanks again, and you have a great weekend yourself!!

FWIW When I am closer to being symptom free, I say that I am going into remission. Unfortunately, there is always a small amount of depression left for me. I have not been completely in remission for some time now.