Sometimes I wonder if Im even sick

Maybe this will sound awful... but I do. Sometimes I wonder if I am exhaggerating things. Like, maybe everyone feels the way I do all the time and they are just... stronger than me.

I dont know. I mean- does anyone else ever feel like this?

first off right away...
Just because I have bipolar disorder doesn't make me sick.
This is in my opinion for me.
Maybe you feel sick?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Yeah I have a hard time detatching the illness from my own self perception I guess. That its not ME just a part of me.

And not my fault. Thats a hard part. I go through periods of being happy I have something to explain- how hard things can be sometimes. And then periods when Im frustrated stuff is just so hard!

I dont know. Its just hard sometimes

Omg allll the time. I feel like such a drama queen! I always feel like I’m just making things up for attention.

I used to think that I was just ‘weak’ and that those who seemed to be in control of their lives were morally stronger than me.

But I’ve never thought that those stronger folks had the same crap in their heads. I think that I’ve known for a long time that, as an example, talking to dead people clustered around my bedroom, wasn’t something that others experienced.

Maybe you aren’t sick. That’s possible and I’m a proponent of questioning everything. But I’m also a proponent of trusting others and sharing my thoughts and that helps me, I think, to judge my ‘disorders.’

Good luck.

I only doubt how sick I am when I’m manic. When I’m manic I’m the healthiest person in the world.
I was diagnosed 3-4yrs ago and because I’ve been unstable ever since, I do associate bipolar with sickness.

Yep. I actually thought I was faking bipolar without realizing it. I didn't believe I was worth the time of the professionals. I still sometimes go there.

I have never felt I was faking bipolar disorder. My worst years would make such a thought beyond ridiculous. However, I do feel that my limitations and "illness" I feel at the moment are not fully bipolar, but trauma to a degree. Trauma takes various forms and requires different rates of recovery, or lack thereof.

I think I know what you mean. I think I so often questioned it because I was surrounding myself with others who suffered, so i assumed everyone felt this way and I just complained more than others. But now, next to my husband who doesn't suffer from this, I'm starting to realize just how different it could be and it's probably why he and I have such different views of the world...oh, and that yes, I'm definitely, or rather, I definitely have this illness.

Yup all the time I feel that I am making things up especially when I am stable.

All the time. I mean, any time I'm neutral to depressed. My hypomania tends to be mixed and I have no doubt I'm ill then. I internalize far too well and have been able to hide this from family and friends for years. I had no idea why other people seemed to have an easier time. I thought I must be weak.

It took getting professional help to learn that other people don't generally have these racing, intrusive thoughts and feelings and wild mood swings.

Whenever I'm feeling good and a friend asks me if I can get off meds when I'm stabilized, for a split second I think, sure of course I can before the rest of my mind starts yelling "are you f*****ing crazy???" Well, of course I am!

I'm afraid of this feeling that I might be making it all up because I'm afraid at some point I won't take it seriously and that's when I'll go down the rabbit hole again.

hugs to all who need them
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Ya like wildflowerchild25 I feel like the biggest drama queen and it’s all for attention and I have these inner discussions with myself “am I a big fake, do I need medication, how did I get to this place in my life?” and so on and it’s just a never ending cycle. Then when I’m really unwell with either depression/harmful thoughts or the hypomanic fun high, then I’m like....oh right...I see it now. For me I think it stems from denial/acception issues.

If I don't know exactly what is it that you feel, it's hard to comment.

I also have borderline personality disorder so not only do I wonder if I'm faking it, other people who know my diagnosis wonder as well (mainly doctors).

Yep, feel this way all the time. I still don't think I'm bipolar

I think a lot of people do wonder, especially when they are well but sometimes in depression when they doubt themselves. However, think about it this way. If anything causes emotional distress to the point of limiting your ability to function - some kind of mental illness is likely to be at play. Now what kind of mental illness is up to the doctors but it isn't normal to not be able to function regardless. If you were functioning just fine with no decreased abilities or effects in your personal life whatsoever, then I would be questioning whether mental health was a factor. When I see medication helping me, that is all the evidence I need to keep taking it. Your medication is for bipolar, it wouldn't help if you didn't have it. If you've ever missed a dose by accident and felt the wrath, that's what you need to focus on.

It can be difficult to sort out co-morbid disorders. Usually when you have both what ends up happening is medication treats the big swings (the bipolar) and the little ones are all that's left and can be lessened with extensive therapy. If medication does nothing, it leads practitioners wondering if it's drug resistance or only BPD not bipolar. In addition, a big tip-off to bipolar is the highs of the disorder- the euphoria doesn't happen with borderline. Euphoria feels like a drug. Energy bouncing all over the place bubbly laughing talking fast not sleeping not tired etc.

Doctors used to lean toward bipolar but question whether BPD played a role because I was abused. However, once I was on the correct medication pretty much all my symptoms were gone, which ruled out borderline. I barely need a psychiatrist or therapist these days. I've been fairly stable for three years.

Another factor to consider is that BPD lessens or remains the same over time and Bipolar gets worse, untreated, over time.

I have long questioned whether or not I really have bipolar 1. I've never done anything like fly across the country just for the hell of it or run down the street naked, so I tend to be somewhat in denial even though I've been diagnosed BP 1 by four different providers. I've been stable for the most part for a couple of years and the memories of how bad it really was are kinda blurred. Recently I've begun to think I'm overmedicated and am experimenting with cutting back on the daytime meds, and I feel better.

I'm not bipolar or SzA. My husband scares too easily, dr.'s push meds, and insurance pays for the meds. So I have meds. I'm required to take them because if not my insurance wont pay for the formula I have when they decide to hospitalize me again. The drugs make me quiet, sleepy, overweight and just not give a crap. I wish I was treated like I have a choice. Apparently not eating is frowned upon. I agree with the ED part of my dx but not the rest. I don't believe I need to take meds. I need to learn how to deal with my reality and unhappiness but therapists won't see me unmedicated so I'm stuck. luckily I only see pdoc 3x a year and currently see no therapist. So there is minimal disruptions in my life

I've only doubted my diagnosis once. This was when i was at one my sickest times ever, in my early thirties when everything fell apart and i was in benzo withdrawal and homeless. One of the women in my day hospital took me in and she told me her life story and it was so awful compared to my care-free childhood that i decided i didn't have any right to be mentally ill. I had very little insight.

But aside from that episode i've accept that i am mentally ill. When i'm feeling optimistic i call us clowns of God.

But do you consider yourself mentally ill when you're not actively "sick"? See, that's where I have difficulty. I can't think of myself as mentally ill when I'm stable and feeling groovy. I don't think of myself as sick unless I'm depressed. But then, I don't think of myself as sick when I'm dancing on the moon either. So maybe there's something wrong with the way I think of it all. I don't know.

Oh yeah. I have no intention of missing a dose or stopping or anything like that without talking to my doctor. I dont want to play games with my health like that. I have to much going on to not use every tool I have to make things easier and better.

But I do frequently wonder... just... whats underneath now? I dony know. Im too tired to explain futher rn... sleepy. But saw this and just thought Id say... its just stuff I think sometimes. Nothing I would test or anything on my own. I know how important just- everything is

Sometimes I doubt I am BP. Maybe the two pdocs that diagnosed me are wrong. I just was this brilliant salesman who was able to sell them on the idea I am BP. Perhaps this is just the way I am. Then I think back to my periods of crazy times like walking through a city where there were riots. Taking off to Illinois from Michigan on a whim leaving behind my studies. Hearing on the radio of an upcoming storm. That’s when I found myself going out to the boat to sail it in the storm. I was lucky to get out of that alive. After all, I am invinceable. Right? Then there was that psych hospital that my t told me to go to and be admitted. I was there for one month. Yes, I do have a MI. I think there are times I just do not want to think of myself in this way.

I always wonder if maybe I'm just making it up