depression.

i don't know where to post this, since i'm technically depressed but am technically bipolar. i don't suppose it matters that much and if it does, i'm pretty apathetic about the subject right now. i'm not sure what my problem is but i'm feeling pretty down. i used to write about this stuff in my journal-- but too many people who don't understand read my online journal and my paper journal is just too much work (i type faster than i write and my mind is running too fast right now)... not that i'm looking for understanding, but just a safe place to talk.

i was feeling so good for a little while. then tonight.. well... tonight isn't a good night, i guess.

i wondered how much ambien one had to take to overdose and not wake up. but it's probably not one of those kinds of pills. i wondered if i could pair it with the xanax i have, and then i wouldn't wake up. i think about suicide a lot. i think about death and dying a lot. i'm never sad when someone dies... i'm just jealous that someone got off this rock, and angry that i'm still stuck here. i could look up a lethal dose of ambien and xanax, but i think that might make the idea too real for me, so i'm resisting the urge, and just trying to wait it out. if i can just make it to tomorrow, maybe something good will happen. maybe i'll feel better. i don't know why i'm waiting. i wonder what it is inside me that still finds some small will to live when the rest of me couldn't give a rat's *** about seeing another day. why do people keep living? why doesn't everyone just off themselves? what keeps some people alive and others on the brink of suicide all the time?

i never thought the term "tortured soul" applied to me until a year or so ago. i feel like it's the perfect description now, however. my soul is tortured with this bipolarity-- tortured with good days and highest highs snatched away and replaced with the darkest sadness i could ever imagine. tortured with knowing that "normal" people don't suffer like this. "normal" people can "snap out of it" and get on with their lives. "normal" people don't obsess over death.

why do i want to die? i can't really put my finger on one specific reason. it's everything. i just hate who i am and what i am. furthermore, we're all going to die eventually. what's the big deal if i just skip to the end now? what's it matter if i'm gone? the end result is the same: i'm going to die now or later... why not save the trouble of this tortured miserable existence and just cut to the chase?

it's worse, now that i'm at my parents' house. i can't possibly explain to them that i want to die. that it's nothing they've ever done to me, they've been nothing short of wonderful. i've been very lucky in that respect. it's me. it's these chemicals in my brain that are all out of whack, and it feels like they're far more in control of me than i will ever be. i wish i could explain to them that i'm chemically imbalanced. i don't know how to tell them. but now that i'm here, i feel like i'm trapped in a cage that's far too small and with sharp edges closing in on me. i don't know how long i'm here for, so i can't find a shrink or T, and i couldn't afford one anyway... i told myself i'd wait till i had a job and insurance. which should only be a few weeks... but i realise that a few weeks can be an eternity when one is entertaining the idea of suicide. i realise it all too well.

stupid little things get to me... when a friend signs off msn without saying goodbye. or when i try to talk to my father and he just says "mmm hmmm" without really listening. when i don't get email. when i think that no matter when i die, i'll likely die alone.. i'm not afraid of death. i'm afraid of loneliness. and i'm always so very lonely.

i took a regular dose of xanax and ambien so that maybe it'll knock me out and i'll sleep through the night. i hate when i'm so worked up that i wake up every hour on the hour, ponder how much i hate myself and life, and then might fall back to sleep for another hour. if i could just wake up tomorrow... survive one more day... maybe i'll find that reason to stay here. maybe i'll find that reason to stick around...

I am really sorry to hear that you are having such thoughts of depression of depression to the point of not wanting to live, please if you are able go to your nearest Emergency room and get an evaluation from a Mental Health professional. Your life is precious no matter what the depression tells you. Please seek professional help as soon as possibe. If these feelings continue, I would suggest that you call 911 if available or the emergency number for your local area and talk to someone about these feelings. Please seek professional help. Your life IS worth living.

______________
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Ghost, I'm not in much better shape than you. I also think about the same things constantly. I wonder how in the world I am still here, and why.

Being bi-polar is very hard to deal with and the mood swings are horrible. I feel sometimes like I have touched the gates of h*ll and crawled my way out.

I just wanted you to know that you are a very special, talented person with alot to offer. You do matter, and your life is important. Please hang in there, for another day, each day.


Money changes people just as often as it changes hands.
~ Al Batt

((((((((((PlanningtoExist))))))))))

i'm trying...

((((((((kris))))))))))

i guess rationally i know i should call someone. i just don't feel veyr rational. and i have no privacy where i am now, and don't want anyone to overhear me. i might call someone this morning, as i have to take one of the cars out to be inspected. i have suicide numbers programmed into my cell phone as my last T suggested.

I'm always so scared to call, though. we'll see.

Ghost,
I have been where you are. Please make that phonecall. You do not have to suffer through this alone and trying to do so is so overwhelming that we almost never win.

((((Ghost))))))

I hope things will start to look up,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

you're right... and i'll try to...

thanks.

Ghost, are you feeling any better? I'm sorry you're lonely. I know what it's like to send emails and wait, and wait, and wait, for nothing.

It's been raining like an s-o-bee so yesterday I did not leave the house. You'd think I'd feel trapped but instead it made me feel safe. This morning I made it as far as McDonalds. Minimal contact with the world and I can creep back home.

Talk to me if you can,
pc

Plays well with others

Hi there,
I confess I didn't read your entire post, I distract, it isn't you.
I have a question and it is coming from a Bipolar-II(mild) person, me, Aren't you on some mood stabilizer? First course of action with Bipolar is to start the patient on a mood stabilizer, there are several ones so if one doesn't work for you or your body cannot tolerate the pdoc can switch you.
They do take a few weeks to really kick in, sometimes the pdoc will give AD's along with the mood stabilizer if the patient is in an extreme depressive episode.
Other things like Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin is also sometimes added to the mix too if you are having anxiety, but extremem caution should be used, do not take this stuff every day, only as needed, it is addictive and most pdocs will only dispense 15 tablets of say, Ativan a month, helps prevent a person from using it daily, just for an example.
I use to feel like a tortured soul too, and went through a near fatal depression (long story) but by getting professional help and sticking with mood stabilizers as prescribed has change my life, I mean I do not go around smiling all the time nor am I very pleasant all the time, but treatment has made all the difference, I feel better in my soul despite some heavy duty things that took place the past 4 years.
I hope and wish you see a good pdoc and see if he or she can try some mood stabilizers on you, it may help a great deal.
I am sending you ((((((((((((((((((( ghost ))))))))))))))))))))
and good wishes for luck with this, I know it is a tough thing but just hang in there and see therapist and/or pdoc, if you are not already in treatment and if you are not seeing good results son, see if you can get a new one.

Lots of love and luck to you,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

hiya, DE,

thanks for replying...

I am on a mood stabilizer, but a low dose. The pdoc I last saw even said we could up it if I wanted, but I was feeling good that day and didn't want to. Plus I am uninsured and have no assistance, so I want to take as low of a dose as possible until I get insurance again and can afford to see docs and get drugs.

I just moved 1600 miles from my old pdoc, and I'm not sure I'll be here long, so I don't want to try to see out a new one if I'll just be moving in a few weeks (hope hope). I just want to wait this out and look forward to getting a new job, insurance, and finding a new pdoc (one I hope will be just as awesome as my last one, too).

Here's my current cocktail: abilify (7.5 mgs/daily), lamictal (25 mgs/dailiy-- see, that's a low dose), ambien (10 mgs) and xanax (1 mg) both prn to sleep. I've been taking xanax every night for about five nights now, and I know I shouldn't... my pdoc didn't mind, but agreed that my concern about addiction was legitimate and I could just take a few nights off a month (or every third or fourth day or whatever). i think there are times when i might need an AD, but usually they make me manic, so it's tough to say if I need one right now. If I were manic, I'd probably go psychotic at this point. Too much stress.

I felt great before. Such a great difference with these drugs. But one of the things that has changed is my life situation (being unemployed and moving back in with my parents) and it's been a source of all kinds of stress triggers for me. I think once I get out of here, things will settle down again. i just have to make it that long.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just that seems to help a little bit.

((((((((darkeyes))))))))

ghost

I've been on 200mgs of Lamictal about 2 years now, I had been on other ones before but due to me being more of a depressive, AD's no longer worked so my pdoc suggested Lamictal, it is a mood stabilizer but has AD properties, so it has been good for me, I also started up with low dose and was titrated, many meds have to be introduced this way, good news, he allowed me to drop down 50mgs and will see me in Aug and see how I am doing.
I also have mild ADD, I was told first pdoc's need to treat the Bipolar, see how things go and then can start treating the ADD.
I feel it is my ADD that contributes greatly to my depressions, cause let's face it if someone can't concentrate and complete any tasks or hobbies it brings you down, when I was on diet pills (mild stimulants) by accident I saw how much better my focus on things were, I excelled in my classes, made Honors 2 times in a row. After when I had to stop the diet pills, everything got like before, my whole life was always lacking concentration leading to failure.
Oh well, sorry to go on and on about my story. I really feel for you and I hope you get things together with work and all so you can get the right dose of meds, 25mgs is too low to be real effective, but everyone is different. I have read though that the average target dose is 200mgs, some require more before they go into remission.
Well feel free to come here and post, chat and/or even PM me.
You will make a lot of nice freinds, the members are terrific people, they have been a huge support to me over the years.
You take care now, okay?

Sincerely,
DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

It totally makes sense that having ADD could affect depression-- for the exact reasons you describe. I never thought about it before-- it's got to be such a hard spot to be stuck in.

I agree that 25mgs is the low dose, but I'm super sensitive to meds generally, although I do build up a tolerance easily. So now that I've done this for a few months, I think it's time to move up. I have a friend at 100mgs and is a new person. So I'm hoping i won't have to be on a dose that's TOO high. We'll see what happens soon.

And thanks for the offer to chat. The same goes for you-- and I'm sure I'll take you up on it when I'm going extra crazy one day

ghost

i'm feeling a little better. i'm looking forward to tomorrow because i'm supposed to get a really great email from a friend (it was promised to me if i make it through the weekend), so I hope that works.

i feel bleh, but i don't intend on carrying out my plan, so i can't be that bad, right?

Watching a documentary on Janis Joplin... Just had a creepy thought. All those famous rockers died at age 27... i'm almost 27, and i'm getting worse. i wonder if i'll see 28....

....Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Don't worry, you'll make it, I went through that too, especially many of those rockers were famous when I was young, a long time ago, ha!ha! Now, I am 47, and still around.
Try not to allow yourself to get caught up in that mindset, otherwise you can really start messing up your mind.
Just follow your treatment plan, get talk therapy of some sort and things will work out fine.
Just believe in yourself, there is still so much out there in the world waiting for you to enjoy.
I was in bad shape about 5 years ago, even embracing suicidal thoughts, (long story) got help and have been following "the program" since, and it works
Just believe. . .

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

Hello, I am new here I am bi polar I. I am on litheum 3 times a day and another pill sorry can not remember the name. I only get 10 amben a month and amatripalin. I know what it is like to not get a reply back. My mind starts racing it is hard to control. I work in an office where i have to try and control my thoughts. As long as i don`t get upset i usually do ok. I wish there way a way to just make my thoughts slow down. Some times they start going and i get irational. i try to have more good days than bad. I found this web site and my thereapist thought it would be a good idea for me to join. I am not really sure how this works.

Whisper

Welcome!!

I have found that Abilify does wonders for my thoughts, although it does make me a bit anxious sometmes. I'm glad to know that you can survive with bp and still work and stuff-- i start a new job soon and i worry that my illness will get in the way. i'm thiking positive though and hope it all works out.

again, welcome to the forums

---------
....Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Whisper,
Welcome to our forum. I hope that you can find help and understanding in this place that will contribute to your well being. There are wonderful people here who love to help.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

Hi Whisper! I think I might know you from somewhere else? (pm me if I do ...) Anyway sorry this is so late but I hope you stick around,
Take care,
Fuzzy