Not doing so hot

I’ve just had enough of everything. I feel like I’m just existing. Nothing in my life is moving forward. I have nothing going for me or to look forward to. I still live st home. I can’t even drive and I’m 25. I just go up and down so many times it’s exhausting. I still have my appointment with my new pdoc scheduled for April 9th. I’ve been trying to make it until then. I have no meds. I’m either up so high I don’t care or so low I want to die. I’m depressed right now. I think about suicide way too much. I cut for the first time in awhile today. I can’t handle anything. I don’t want to go to ip. Too much money. I’m still paying off past visits. I don’t know what to do with my days. I’m so tired when I’m depressed but I can’t even fall or stay asleep. I just waste my days away. I just exist. It feels like I’m slowly wasting away. The only friend I had left abandoned me. He actually pretended to care but couldn’t handle me. I have no friends. I have no life. I haven’t showered in like 2 weeks. I usually leave my house only for appointments but I haven’t had any so I don’t think I’ve left in like a month. Everyone else I’ve known from school has amazing lives and careers and children and I can’t even leave my house. I could keep typing but it’s all depressing so what’s the point.

I’m so sorry. That must be an awful space to be in. Can you try baby steps like, short showers or brushing your teeth? Also try and find reasons to get out of the house, even for a short walk down the road. I don’t know what to say really but I am here for you. Your life is so much more than this and you will find a way out of this funk.

I am sorry you are finding yourself in such dire straights.

I recently finished the book: How the Body Knows Its Mind: The Surprising Power of the Physical Environment to Influence How You Think and Feel. There was a study where some people who had treatment resistant depression for years--depression so bad that they had frown lines--where treated with botox. Their depression improved because they were unable to frown. There have also been studies showing where people treated with botox feel less happy because they can't smile the way they once did.

I cited this book because there is a mind body connection. It is so important to make yourself shower, take a walk for exercise and sunshine, eat healthy food, get positive social, read uplifting things, etc. It is hard to do when we are depressed but if you force yourself to do more and more of these things, you will slowly begin climbing out of the hole you are in. Maybe for a pep talk, post more on here, check out helpful books at your local library -- perhaps a book like Feeling Good by David Burns or other books suggested in the Self help forum at PC. Since you can't afford therapy, see if there is a NAMI support group (https://www.nami.org/find-support/na...ami-connection) that meets in your area. You can overcome this if you decide to begin taking steps to get out of this hole. In the financial area, make sure you are taking all the help available to you from government and nonprofit programs (can you get aid to go to school for instance)--there is so much information about what is available by doing research on the internet. You are in a tough situation (you did not get there overnight) that you slowly need to take action and overcome. You can do it though it may take time. You are young and have so much potential.

God, that sucks. What really sucks, for me, is that I feel and behave much the same.

Except that I take showers. And I can escape, usually.

I had my appointment with my new shrink/therapist on Monday and we hit it off. I’ll see her once a week now. You should approach your new-shrink-meeting with, um, a sense of adventure?

I recently lost my few remaining friends. My phone seldom rings. I have a feeling as if I’m toying with depression. If I can’t sustain my manic psychosis depression is sure to take hold.

I only leave my apartment for doctor appointments, as well.

Empathy. That’s all that I can offer. I’m sorry for both of us.

Hey there!

It's great to hear from you! I am sorry you continue to struggle.
I do understand. I go through periods of feeling like time is passing by and I am left in the dust.

I agree with our friends' posts above, you have a lot of potential!

I'd check out NAMI, as hopingtrying has mentioned.

I hope you keep posting! Love having you around!


WC

Been in that place before. Hope April 9th comes quickly. Do try small goals. A shower today and fresh clothes, brushing the teeth. Strip the bed and fresh sheets. One day at a time. Even if it happens at 2am it's a win! Open the door and stand in the doorway, ya don't have to go further, just take a gulp of fresh air...that would be it.

I'll try to shower I guess. At least before my appointment on the 9th. I just can't be alone in the shower, I dissociate too much and cannot handle it. I can't leave my house to take a walk or anything. Way too much anxiety about everything about it. I might try to go on the porch. But it's been raining for the past 5 or so days straight so that's kind of hard too. I just don't want to hit an upswing and be out of control before my appointment. I don't want to go to the hospital, voluntary or involuntarily. I need meds but all I have left is a few valium that I'm saving for when I have to leave the house next month. I guess it's almost here. But I just feel so hopeless.

I can relate

(Sorry that’s all I’ve got, feeling like going into complete hibernation.. if only it was so easy.)

(Hugs if ok)

I just wish I had someone to talk to. I have no friends and my mom is busy. Not like I have anything exciting going on but still. I kind of miss some form of social interaction. I was so manic the other week. I made such big plans to redo my whole room. Ordered things. Started cleaning everything out and moving things and painting the walls. Now I’ve bren depressed and everything is all over the floor. All laid out you can barely see the carpet. My ocd is driving me crazy about how messy it is but my depression is keeping me from cleaning it. It’s like a never ending circle of horribleness. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost and hopeless. I hate even typing this it’s so depressing.

I know that this isn't a solution for anything that you're going through, but maybe these volunteers who offer "emotional listening support" might help, at least a tiny bit:

Emotional Listening Support ? CONTACT Helpline

It says you can talk to these volunteers about anything; the weather, friends, school, work, loneliness... whatever.

Thanks everyone for replying and thank you for the link. I’ll try that tonight.

Thanks Northchild, but I checked it out and it's to talk on the phone. I can't do that.

Have you thought about an IRL support group?

I have way WAY too much anxiety and panic to talk to people in person. I don’t talk to anyone outside my mom really besides online.

Are there over the phone support groups or therapists you can sccess? I know you find the phone difficult to use but it may be a good baby step forwards. It makes me sad that you are so alone. Wishing could come over fir a coffee and give you a hug if you wanted one. Glad you have your appointment soon. Hang in there until then and make sure you go. Also PM me anytime if you want to chat, even if it’s just about random stuff.

I only talk on the phone when I have to. To like confirm it’s me for medical things. I haven’t had a social call in years. I’m filled with anxiety and on the edge of my seat the whole time I’m on the phone. I guess I could try small things first. It’s just so hard. And thank you.

My caregiver is supposed to be with me for 4-hours per day but I let her ‘off’ for months, sometimes, communicating via text messaging.

And I don’t speak to anyone during that time.

When I try to speak again I’m croaky and have other speech problems.

I know that I’m never going to go outside again until I do. I gotta do the exposure therapy thing.