[clp9922]

I had a NP appt this week, 3 days into starting a new job. Swell, like that looks good as I once again try to pick up the pieces of my life after going through the past experiences of the last few years.

The NP, since I can't afford a real doc, has officially changed the dx to Bipolar, but don't know specifically what type. I have experienced the full blown mania, with initial presentation of Major Depression. I have been in what I would term as rapid cycle and mixed states over the past several weeks. She started me on Divalproex ER to start, took me off the Gabapentin because of the side effects--thinks that is what sent me into full mania episode). I still feel like I'm in it, but not, either---Mixed again?

What I don't know is how much of this is just effects of the different meds I have been tried on, or if they just "woke" things up, and frankly, to me this all makes sense, but I don't want to accept this. Logically, it fits. Hind sight, it fits. Spiritually, it conflicts in every way. My faith is very important to me and my family.

I go to support group on Tuesdays, and I feel better to talk about what I am going through, but at the same time, hearing everyone else's stories just makes me more upset. I am considering not going back. It seems pointless, really.

Sometimes I look at this site for insight and possible help in coping with this bad dream I seem to be living out daily, and I sometimes find comfort knowing I am not alone in my struggle, but at the same time, I don't want to embrace this diagnosis. My faith tells me it is not the truth---BiPolar may be a fact, but now I really don't feel any different than when this whole thing started a couple months back, like 3 steps back from where I was---and not better, just now I know what the culprit is.

I can't figure it out. I am afraid. I try to cope with working again, because I don't any longer have the luxury and misery of not working. I have a family to provide for, and no help. This really sucks. I love Jesus, and it is only by His spirit and my faith that I can even muster up what little strength I have to wake up every morning and attempt to do anything. The mania or depressive, whichever or both keeps me up at night, wakes me too early. The meds do nothing for me, and I am broke....

Oh well....next...

You have a NP playing Pdoc.... not good. Can you get yourself admitted into an ER for a psych evaluation and then on to a hospital? I know that you just started this job....but with this state of mind, does that even have a chance of lasting?

When I was barely making any money, I qualified for some state assistance and frequented the clinics that charged on a sliding scale which basically led to free (to me) meds and dr visits.

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, and faith is great for the soul and a way to live...but we must also take care of our mind and bodies.

I hope that you do well.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

You have a NP playing Pdoc.... not good. Can you get yourself admitted into an ER for a psych evaluation and then on to a hospital? I know that you just started this job....but with this state of mind, does that even have a chance of lasting?

When I was barely making any money, I qualified for some state assistance and frequented the clinics that charged on a sliding scale which basically led to free (to me) meds and dr visits.

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, and faith is great for the soul and a way to live...but we must also take care of our mind and bodies.

I hope that you do well.

I think we need more information, as it depends on the type of NP. If it's a psych NP, then I don't see the issue. Not all of them are bad, and they tend to be better than regular GPs because they at least have some formal training in psychiatry, even if it's not as extensive as a psychiatrist's training. However, if it's a traditional NP who works in internal/family medicine, then I would find a psych nurse if that's all OP can afford.

But yes, OP can qualify for state assistance since they're in the U.S.. There are community mental health centers that can help, even if they're not the greatest.

[SparkySmart]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

There are community mental health centers that can help, even if they're not the greatest.

Sometimes community mental health centers can be great, too! There's always a chance... Like you say, even if they're not great, they can help. I'm not eligible for the services at my local community MHC, but they have a fabulous pdoc and a fully staffed therapy program. I think they also dispense free meds.

The bipolar thing...yeah, pretty hard to accept. I'm pulling for you, clp. It doesn't have to cause a crisis in faith (I struggled with this, too); there are plenty of people in this world, including the faithful, who have to deal with this stuff.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I work in community mhc and used to receive services there too. Great idea mentioning this option!

[yellow_fleurs]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, and that you don't have more help and support right now. I can relate to the rapid cycle/mixed states. In fact, just replied to your last question about the Lamictal and dose doesn't seem to be high enough to keep me stable yet, as I titrate up. I also am wondering if the Lexapro just threw me off and if I will eventually go back to baseline, kind of like you are questioning with your experience. I haven't been dx with bipolar yet, but am now starting to reflect about on my mood cycles in the past and think it might make sense.

I hope that you stabilize quickly. I am sure this new diagnosis is hard to accept, but ultimately now you can get the right treatment so I hope it helps. I guess you could always get a second opinion if you aren't comfortable with it. Can I ask how they finally decided you had bipolar? I know they were on the fence before. I guess because of the recent manic episode?

[Victoria'smom]

What does your faith say about mental illness that your having trouble reconciling?

[downandlonely]

Sorry you're struggling with your diagnosis. I hope you can come to accept it and find meds that will help.

[cashart10]

6 years ago, I had my worst episode of psychosis. The religious delusions, hallucinations, and practices I experienced blew my mind. When I first started to realize that maybe the things that were happening to me weren’t real, I believed that it was Satan trying to get to me and that if I went to a psychiatrist and got back on meds, I would lose my salvation. Then, when I ultimately did accept that I was sick and needed serious help, I was scared to practice my faith at all. I still believed but I stopped praying, reading the Bible, going to church, etc, because I feared it would make me lose my mind again. Even 6 years later my relationship hasn’t fully healed. I hate it. But, psychiatry and faith can go hand in hand. I have learned through this process that God uses doctors and medicines to heal our minds the same way he does our bodies. I hope that you are feeling better soon and that you are able to maintain your new job. If you need to talk, please feel free to pm me.

[clp9922]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

You have a NP playing Pdoc.... not good. Can you get yourself admitted into an ER for a psych evaluation and then on to a hospital? I know that you just started this job....but with this state of mind, does that even have a chance of lasting?

When I was barely making any money, I qualified for some state assistance and frequented the clinics that charged on a sliding scale which basically led to free (to me) meds and dr visits.

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, and faith is great for the soul and a way to live...but we must also take care of our mind and bodies.

I hope that you do well.

She is actually trained as a Psych nurse. Maybe it's just that I want another professional opinion from a Pdoc to, I guess, make it really real and not just some overexaggerated research. I can't fake the events I have experienced, though. I should have just done the ER and been done with it a couple months ago, but have been so tight on funds that it seemed like I would long-term spend more going that route.

I appreciate your input, and encouragement.

[clp9922]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I am so sorry you are experiencing this, and that you don't have more help and support right now. I can relate to the rapid cycle/mixed states. In fact, just replied to your last question about the Lamictal and dose doesn't seem to be high enough to keep me stable yet, as I titrate up. I also am wondering if the Lexapro just threw me off and if I will eventually go back to baseline, kind of like you are questioning with your experience. I haven't been dx with bipolar yet, but am now starting to reflect about on my mood cycles in the past and think it might make sense.

I hope that you stabilize quickly. I am sure this new diagnosis is hard to accept, but ultimately now you can get the right treatment so I hope it helps. I guess you could always get a second opinion if you aren't comfortable with it. Can I ask how they finally decided you had bipolar? I know they were on the fence before. I guess because of the recent manic episode?

The latest experience--the perfume and the mall--was a BIG deciding factor, but also, she took into account some other prior history from back when I had the initial MDD dx in 2006, how I reacted while on those meds and some events from that point. At least, that is how I suspect. She was up front initially to say that she was not a "med pusher" and call it done, and you know there are some out there like that.....or, if you didn't, there are some out there like that. Throw the kitchen sink in meds at you and try to pick up the pieces later.

Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. It has really been tough.

[clp9922]

[QUOTE=Miguel'smom;6171692]What does your faith say about mental illness that your having trouble reconciling?[/QU

Let me preface this with the fact that I am not delusional with regard to my faith, and overly religious person. I am broken and being crafted back together in this experience, but find it more difficult connecting as I did before. God's word is forever settled, it is me that has a tendency to go off a beaten path. Afflicted and oppressed with demonic spirits. I am full gospel, spirit-filled Christian. Though recently, the strongholds are having a field day....

[cashart10]

I just want to add that I hope you didn’t think I was implying that your faith is delusional! I didn’t mean that all, that is just what happened to me. I was casting out demons, literally hearing the Lord instruct me to do things that were illogical and sometimes dangerous, believing I was chosen and that every prayer I prayed would be answered exactly as I prayed (even commanding Jesus’ return) etc, etc. It became freightening before it became better. Anyway, with your previous post, I just want to make sure you didn’t think I was trying to belittle your faith. I am glad you have been able to cling to it during all of these trials!

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by clp9922

The latest experience--the perfume and the mall--was a BIG deciding factor, but also, she took into account some other prior history from back when I had the initial MDD dx in 2006, how I reacted while on those meds and some events from that point. At least, that is how I suspect. She was up front initially to say that she was not a "med pusher" and call it done, and you know there are some out there like that.....or, if you didn't, there are some out there like that. Throw the kitchen sink in meds at you and try to pick up the pieces later.

Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. It has really been tough.

Thanks for the response. I really hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you've been having a very hard time.

[clp9922]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I just want to add that I hope you didn’t think I was implying that your faith is delusional! I didn’t mean that all, that is just what happened to me. I was casting out demons, literally hearing the Lord instruct me to do things that were illogical and sometimes dangerous, believing I was chosen and that every prayer I prayed would be answered exactly as I prayed (even commanding Jesus’ return) etc, etc. It became freightening before it became better. Anyway, with your previous post, I just want to make sure you didn’t think I was trying to belittle your faith. I am glad you have been able to cling to it during all of these trials!

No worries at all. Just some folks seem to go to extremes when certain details of a person's faith comes up and next thing you know eggshells start cracking everywhere. Thank you much for your sentiment

[eye2797]

a lot of ER or psych wards have a financial asst, that you can apply for. Even if you have insurance.