An Audi TT

Don't tell me they
Are going to put
The dog on the stone.
I will do a sketch
For it I said. End.

My Gran said to most
People that she would
Be lost without our Alexandra.
But she was short
And snappy with her.
I know a lot of people
Would not understand,
But my ol'mum had
To buy the whiskey
And hide it from
Gran until the evening
Where Gran would
Phone up and ask
Where it was.
When Gran phoned
The taxi driver
And asked if they
Would go to the
Shop and buy whiskey
And then drop it off,
They obviously refused.
And my Gran was
Ushered inside by the
Neighbour when they
Saw her struggling
Accross the road
On a quest to make
It to the Shop when
She was not fit to.
And she fell down
The stairs and it
Is an awful feeling,
Heart in your mouth
Type of feeling
When you get
A call saying that
Someone found her
At the bottom of
The stairs, but the
Paramedics have
Been and gone
So she is ok.
The nurses
Who tended to Gran
To give her the
Insulin for diabetes
Said when Gran
Was out of ear shot
That they knew
The mind of addicts
And they will do
What it takes for
In my Grans case alcohol.
It was reassuring
For my ol'mum
But it meant
That even though
They were professionals,
There was no
Hiding from the truth.
Who found out was
Completely out of
The families hands.
My Grandfather would
Have been furious.
Even though it
Was not a closely
Guarded secret, there
Were staff in and
Out at least four
Times a day.
We were not ashamed
Of Gran though.
She just wanted
Someone to yap to!
And I can fine
Well imagine what
The caring staff
Would say in the brief.
My Gran was hard work.
And a drinker. And
A smoker. Coffee
And a fag is the
Only thing on her mind.
Try your best but
Be prepared for resistance.

Paraletic. Claire when
They cut my hair.
Pins, in place. Yes
Danny Glover.

If something is not planned,
That does not necessarily
Mean it was a mistake. No doubt.

I never sought sympathy.
And if I was loose end,
Felt like talking, I was
Shot down in flames.
Never once: ok I will give you that,
That was tough.
Fred would try and
Trounce my feelings
By something in his life.
Just let me have this one?
The hospital spoke
For itself but I began
To think, that he
Must think I am defective too.
You take pills? (One pill actually)
Is what you have
Terminal like my
Mam's liver cirrhosis?
It could be genetic.
I could get it.
My cousin was
A real junk head
And I had carry
The coffin even though
I was not
Sad in the slightest
To see that
Waste of skin go.
Boys used to target
Me cause my
Brother was hard, so
I had to learn
How to fight.
I never went to
University because I
Never had a computer
At home or enough money
To download music.
Ok sorry I spoke.
There was no use
Confiding in Fred.
He said Paul
Was wonder boy
Off his own back,
And then I confessed
Well, there was
This time and that time.
And he said that
His sister's got
More than him
And he worked for
Absolutely everything himself.
He made out like
He was impoverished,
But he just had
A large family.
And his mum
Did not identify
Or wear a cross
But like my Gran
She would sing
My cup, rolling over
A very christian belief.
He thought he
Was hard done by
When he wasn't.
His parents were
What I wish mine
Were more like.
When kids came
Along they dedicated
Themselves to family life.
A close knit family.
The parents who
Would give things
Up if need be
To provide for them all.
Mine just seemed
To avoid responsibility
Or not face up to.
My ol'mum was
Offered promotions
But she turned
Them down again and again.
Do it for your kids.
She admitted not
Wanting any so
That base was covered.
She did not even
Listen to her brother
Who said, do it
For self improvement
To better herself.
The pay was not
A massive amount more
But once you take
One step up, you
Can take another
After that one.
And looking back
It was maybe a
Good thing Fred did
Not let me dwell
On some things.
Yet when it was convenient
He would remind
Me that I was
In that place.
All the stupid things
I wanted to
Forget about he
Would make me
Feel like it was
The work of a
Complete crazy coot.
Ravings of a lunatic.
So I began to
Consider that maybe
There was meaning.
He could be wrong.
I may be right
And a slim chance
Was still a chance.
I was not insane.
I would not
Be walking the streets
If they thought I was insane.
They would have
Kept me longer
Than the 28 days
If they thought I was insane.
They would not
Have asked me
About my childhood.
They would not
Have offered art therapy
Or assertiveness classes.
I was not insane.

Act a twatt. Wife beater.
Smells of eggs.
The prodromal phase.
I have all his albums.
How many is that?
They were the
Biggest kid out
Of all us.

That hour or so after work,
I learned to let it all
Go over my head.
So you're a jungle bunny now?
R.e.s.p.e.c.t sock it to me.
Speechless. And to
Say girl power?
I did know the dance
Moves to all their hits.
I even danced on the
Stage at school
With some friends.
I was posh.
The spice girls
Are a national treasure.
They were Britain's
First girl group.
They paved the way
For Girls Aloud
And the Saturdays.
Who have some
Great pop songs.
I listen to hard rock
But I like pop music.
It started with
The spice girls.
Don't hate on the spice girls.
They stand for something.
Not many bands
knew exactly
What they stood for.

Layering. T shirt, hoodie
Then a denim or leather jacket.
Sign of fashion.
Or because this
Is a cold country?
Must b h.ard to decide.
I let you get away with it.
Or was it a losing battle.
I never took a spare jumper.
Couldn't have looked
Too bad or someone
Would have slam dunked.

Did I over analyse
Some banter? Most likely.
But Fred said
It in earnest when
My contract was slashed.
My friends tried
To warn me you
Just wanted your
Claws in a sugar daddy.
And Patrick told me...
I did know it
Was just a joke.
I was only just 18.
And theoretically
I would still have
Been in my final
Year of high school
If I had not left.
I was younger
Was the main reason.
Fred took it way
Out of context.
He was good at that.

You got jumped?
By some valley
Upped neds. He says.
How old were they?
About fifteen but
There was a gang
Of like ten oh the fukkers.
They decked you for fun?
Be honest did
You say something stupid?
Nut. They kaint I was drunk.
And took advantage.
Advantage? I have never
Heard that applied
To a man being before.
Why did you walk
Home on your own?
Men get mugged.
Sorry I don't mean
To give you a grilling.
You mouthed off
Back to them, and
That was why they
Went for you, admit it.
You thought you could
Take them because
They were Young and
You were too drunk.
Fred could of taken
Patrick, since we
Are on the subject.
As much as I never
Got his hard man complex,
He was a force
To be reckoned with.
I was jumped twice
As a kid. But they
Never hit me.
One was, just because
I spoke back
To one boy so
He got two of his pals.
I think I said he
Looked like a rat so
I felt responsible.
The other was
In an accident
And died tragically.
He targeted me
Because I was
Top of the class.
I learnt my lessons
Early on in life.

I never spoke about
The house warming polava.
It sounded like an
Eastenders storyline.
More specifically little
Moe and Trevor.
People did speculate
That he was gay.
And the soap storylines
Coincided with their reasoning.
I read what happened
In the soaps in
The t.v. guide every week.
David Platt was violent
And the twist was
He was gay. (He then
Switched back to the home team)
Aaron-Sugdon Dingle
Was also really angry and violent
And the twist was
The same - he was gay.
I gate crashed
Freds sisters room
When I was under
The influence and his
Mum nearly banned
Me from their house.
Which was understandable.
My son's not a Gayboy.
I know I am sorry.
Maybe I won't drink again.
Nope. That thought
Never crossed my mind.
Give up drinking?
I never did something
Illegal did I. Not like
I ever got in a fight.
The planks. That was
High up. That was
In fact very dangerous.
I should have been
Pulled up for that.

Cutting my hours.
I would not have
Gone to citizens advice.
I would have took
My chances and said
Ok, I will look
For an alternative job.
But I knew how hard
It was finding work
In my hometown
And the surrounding area.
And when they told
Me it was a grey area,
It felt to me they were
Saying "we feel for your plight"
But I signed the contract .
I came in and signed
The dotted line.
And I was not happy,
But I was thankful
That I was still kept on.
It was actually more
Than most employers
Would have done.
And if I had not
Found out that
Fred was grumbling
To his bosses
Then I would
Not have went
To the Advice Bureau.
It was anonymous
And I did not
Tell everyone that
It was only part-time.
I thought more
Of Fred and trusted
That he would say
I was simply back at work.
He did not need
To say about the hours.
So he told everyone
It was only part-time.
Being back at
Work was better
Than having to
Go to the job centre
For a whopping £45
A week. That was
Soul crushing.
I weighed up
The pro's and con's
From my esoteric knowledge.
And bang goes
My fragile pride again.
My parents would
Have said that
Fred should not
Have emphasised that
It was only part time.
It was better than no
Work and in my situation
I was fortunate that
I was kept on.
And that the boss
Knew I needed time
To recuperate and
That most bosses
When they saw
My absence note
Would have questioned
My fitness to return
And I would have
Been paid off.
They were not
Always wrong - my parents.
I knew nothing about
Disorders before I
Was in hospital rehab.
I still do not know.
I could not watch
A person in hospital
And say they must be...
I just know my
Personal experiences.
I could only help
Someone who has
Been through similar
To myself and I
Was never going
To be able to work
In nursing or social care
Because it was
Too close for comfort.
Eighteen is young
But it is a young adult.
I was not anorexic,
That is not a
Big taboo in my time.
I could talk about
Having an eating disorder
And people would
Say you look fine now
And my pals sister
Was like that etc.
Me, and my phase
Was a whole
Other ball game.
I have never
Spoke aloud about psychosis.

As a kid, acrobatics
Amazed me. Extreme
Sports had me in awe.
Gymnasts and their
Dedication to perfectionism.
I was stunned. Inhibition
Stood between me
And most sports.
I saw a programme on
Parkour and I was sceptical.
Fred say's me and my mates
Used to do that
On the school roof
When we were kids.
What a bunch of clowns.
Of course if something
Piques my interest
And I always wondered
How anyone could
Go a skateboard.
I never thought
They were losers.
And the interviewer
Asks why they do
Death defying stunts.
And it is about
Overcoming barriers in life.
No barriers. No limits. Freedom.
I got pis^sed once
And climbed someone's shed.
And jumped onto a wall.
I felt so unbelievably stupid
I nearly died of embarrassment
When I walked past
The scene of the crime.
I am the antithesis of parkour.
I take comfort in
Limiting my choices.
Less is more.
Or put it this way -
I work by exploring all
My options, going
Off on tangents but
I find joy when
I cut down to the chase,
That's the one.
In order to find
What you are looking for,
It is necessary
To kiss frogs.
What is the male
Equivalent to this?
Love was always
More important to women.
I guess I like puzzles.
Pulling everything together.
Something that alone
Does not make sense
But when you link
It to another piece.
I always placed more
Value on a book
Than a film. I would
Have thought that
People who had time
To hunt for bargains
At boot sales would
Have time for reading.
Turns out they are
Hoping to stumble
On something valuable.
One man's trash
Is another treasure.
Their hope is finding
An antique that the
Seller thinks is
Not worth much.
A future investment.
An heirloom. I watched
My fair share of
The antiques roadshow.
A first edition hardback,
Would be the only
Book worth holding on to.

Hit by a bus.
I asked if my
Colleague was
Going to chill out
After lunch as
They had no more
Clients and they
Were always tired.
They thought I asked
If the client was.
Everyday is for them.

My Gran was diabetic
Type 2 and she
Ate fruit and had
Mini mars bars.
That she never ate.
You always had
Bottles of Lucozade!
Not just one sole mars bar.
A sugary drink would
Be faster than a
Bar of chocolate.
There was a bag
Of sweets and
Yoghurts in the fridge.
There was sugar
In the sugar pot.
Add some to your
Powdered Lattes you drank.
I had fruit and I had
A packet of fruit gums.
A banana which
I always had was
Better than a mars bar.
You never actually
Spoke about being diabetic.
I think one of the
Other ladies may
Have said it.
You should never
Have been in the shop
On your own.
The Boss had security
But she did not
Have access to
The camera in
The other branch.
If you passed out?
There was king size,
Bars galore because,
I bought on Friday.
You said help yourself
To the Saturday person.
Not empty the
Whole tin and pocket
The rest if they take
Your fancy. There
Was a pack of
Lucozade under your desk.

Modigliani. I thought
That he walked
Into the sea?
I may as well tell
You because you
Will find out anyway.

They were, hot,
So turned on the fan.
Face it he is
A big man.
Scientific terminology all round.
They are quiet.
Opposites attract.
Because the entire
Population of
The world can be
Classed into
Introvert or extrovert.
And it was better
Two tea spoons.
I was not just
Following the instructions.
The senna got
Stuck in their teeth
Or they spat it out.
Why rush in
And correct it.
The razors were
Under the sink.
They were never
Refreshed because
We were not permitted
To shave with
Manual razors. But
Their electronic one
Had bit the dust.
We were not
Supposed to cook
On the hob either.
The poor guy never
Got out a walk.
He was mobile
Compared to the
Rest of the complex.
He had not much
Else to do but eat.
I would have packed
My suitcase and
Done a runner.

Will you, move!
Your mum is a banshee.
Sparrow legs! You point.
I don't know what
You said to blue wicked,
But when they blew
Out their birthday
Candles they wished
That someone would
Blast you into space.

I did not conk out
After the shower,
I fell asleep on
The bathroom floor.

The funny farm is anything
But fun, I can vouch for that.
I was transferred to the
Heart ward for a sensitivity
To a certain medicine.
I do not wish to be dramatic
But I genuinely could
Have died from heart failure.
That is why a patient
Can have four checks
In one day. Taking meds
Is no joke. A lot of sufferer
Have faced trauma.
It is no laughing matter
Being in psychiatric treatment.

In the butterfly effect
There is a scene where
A character is strapped/restrained
To a bed in a psychiatric facility
And I have seen the same in other
Relatively modern fictional films
Based in the U.S.
I was under the impression
That in the UK that
Does not happen.
Maybe to the criminally insane?

Senior moments. Blonde moments.
Sheer thick as two short planks.
I heard the narrator talking
About dolphins caught
In fishing nets for tuna.
I knew it was tuna fish.

There is always one.
Lower the tone.
There is always one.
Only like grapes in wine.
Only like coconut in
Pina colada. Run
Like the wind bullseye.

French kissing in the arch way.
Straggled joggers in takeout.
Now, he laughed liked a hyena.
Sh^t catchers Fred called
Cuffed joggers. Tattoos
On the small of back
Were a tramp stamp.
I only used to wear
Make up for a night out.
I had good skin.
I am fairly pale skinned.
I used to like
Using sunbeds. We
Get told we need
Vitamin D and some sun.
But now I put on
A high factor cream
And don't sunbed.
I do not suit heavy make up.

Gel with someone
If you talk to yourself
You are usually Lonely.
Never been.
I was not.
Not lonely.