An Audi TT

Aug 18, 2018, 10:55 AM

[QUOTE=Balthascar810;6236174]When we were out bowling one time. And we went into town to get food and a taxi. And Fred was wound up from arm wrestling someone. He was drunk and kept telling the man he was cheating and we all thought he was going to leap over the counter and hit the man. My friends decided to walk home. And Fred plucked from the air: we have sex about twice in four months. And he wouldn't quit. I said I don't want to come home with you and he tripped me up and pushed me over on the road. And said if I didnt he would tell my mummy and daddy and I would have a nice holiday in ward four. So I grabbed his phone and almost threw it into a garden centre. At the last minute I gave it back to him. I never fought in public with Fred after that.
ATM you could have been asked to do Jeremy Kyle. My husband was stolen by a teenager who has slept with more men than I have eaten hot dinners. At least I feel some shame and regret. Loudmouth bast^rd.

Sure I had my wild phase. Fred only called me a derogatory term because, sorry to put it bluntly - he had never had sex when sober. He had everything he needed.
So he didn't go out of his way to get a girlfriend. My friend took his phone one night when he nodded off after being on a bender and he was texting other girls while seeing me. And my friend laughed that he was keeping his options open and as a joke texted a girl that he was in bed getting jiggy with me so sling your hook. We were all tipsy. I'm not sure if it was the girl with a slight physical ailment who had a weak side. I only knew because my mum worked with her dad for a short time. And I felt a bit guilty but my friend didn't know her from Adam at the time nor did I till later.
And his aunty and some family members speculated that he was gay. Look at some of the gay characters in soaps- Aaron in Emmerdale and David Platt in Corrie. They were both really violent and got out of control. The twist was the same for them both - they were gay. And his cousins family all watched the soaps and his family too.

12:39 PM

Your sister must not have said directly to you that you needed new friends. I stopped speaking to Freds cousin same time as you once I moved home a couple of weeks later. I phoned to ask what she was planning since sixth year was ending. And I got a succinct "fuk off your not my art partner in crime... I will never replace ....and If I can't speak to ...I don't wan't to speak to anyone.." And without you, we all had to go our separate ways.

And losing her best friend - you - was the perfect excuse to turn to drugs. I confronted her at her house when I got wind that her or her mum said I was a high functioning autistic person to Freds family. I was like s^it I'm going of my head just like my mum after I ranted to her. I never had a friend who missed me like that. Honestly I half expected to find her story in the Friday newspaper saying they had jumped in-front of a train because she never got the grades she hoped for either. With two things at once, I was a little concerned about them. When at a party once someone had to coax her down from a high window as she was dangling dangerously from the edge.

If I hadn't went into rehab, I maybe would have gave into temptation and sampled something stronger than alcohol. Maybe Freds cousin would prove to be my gateway to the connections I needed and I would go down a slippery slope after all.

Aug 18, 2018, 02:28 PM

I didn't have much of a cleavage. So being slim and toned. Having a celebrity stomach was something to feel confident about. At college there was a Girl there and she spoke about men giving her trouble when out on town. She spoke like she didn't realise that she was very very pretty. Model tall, and a waist that was thin and went in delicately like a burlesque dancer. She wouldn't have looked out of place in a corset on stage or in a movie set. And she stole everyone's heart in class when she spoke of her experience with an eating disorder. And how she didn't cope too well with the changes our bodies go through in adolescence. And she had no qualms speaking about hospital. I don't think she grew up In this area. I thought she was brave. But It was different for me. I grew up hearing the horror stories of the hospital and I spent my years trying to forget what I had done. To most it was "the funny farm" and not an acute mental health ward in a hospital. My stay belonged in the past and I would bury it so it remained.

Aug 19, 2018, 05:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balthascar810

Hey! What you doing now? Nothing exciting just now. So where are you working? Who are you working for? I'm not working. What you doing then ? What else are you up to? What are you doing if your not working? ...judo I have a job for you. Lucky save. This wasn't long after hospital. I'm not sure I would have tried to get back on the horse so soon if I thought people wouldn't look down on me for taking time out. But you were just being friendly and I was being evasive. You weren't to know. And it was nice that someone was interested in what I was up to.

They gave me a second chance after my first misdemeanour. Don't over ride, call till supervisor. To be fair I was told that if the price tag on the product was lower than what it rung up, that we were supposed to over ride. I wasn't informed that electrical equipment -being the most expensive products in the whole store- were an exception. And I was cautious before my fall from grace. I pretended that I didn't care but I did. It was Anhedonia and I was nowhere near ready to return to the working world. I didn't want to work on tills serving public when I was at my other job. I put it on my cv that I had more experience than I actually did. So they maybe assumed I should have known that the console was a different kettle of fish. On the memo it stated clearly that it was on offer and exclusive to Wal-Mart so I over rode the computers price. Wrong move. And they could have sacked me on the spot. I knew people who were sacked for being less than £5 short In their till at the end of a day and it could have been the computers that were wrong and not them. I wasn't upset when I never survived the trial. I knew it was just.

01:01 PM

Would you like to give my friend a shot?
You should have jumped out of the car.
Phone call. Would you like to be my girl?
So many shades of grey.
He wasn't a bad guy.
I was self-destructive.
This incident wasn't the reason
I had to go into hospital.
My self- destruction put
Me in that vulnerable position,
And eventually I had
A full nervous breakdown
Because of the onset
Of the disorder. And
In an effort to self-medicate
I wasn't helping matters.
The disorder clouded,
My judgement. So add
Copious amounts of alcohol,
A feeling of no self- worth
That would manifest
As suicidal ideation,
Into the fold - poof.
Time to get help.
Was it the untreated disorder
That caused my self destruction?
Or my self destruction that
Brought about the disorder?

Aug 21, 2018, 07:13 AM

Resting my face on my palm then I pinch the philtrum, take a deep breath and the biggest b^tch in my first year of high school announces : that looked like you just smelled your fingers. There's no room to relax while in class even when listening. I'll make sure I keep my first under my chin and lean on it, from now on if I need a little breather.
Your an air traffic controller on the oil rigs not a steward you told a client I met. Nearly 25 and you lie about your job when your making a good living out of it anyway. But yes at the end of the day it doesn't require a specific skill set.to be a steward.

12:57 PM

How could I ignore a staff member who referred to the "acute mental health hospital ward" as an asylum. The ward is integrated in the normal hospital! Her words were "it's all going down in bilbohall" . Which was an extremely derogatory way of how she viewed the patients. Bilbohall hospital came after "lunatic asylums". They should never have said that in front of patients. They also said to a colleague passing me "please don't report me to panoroma". Panorama did an expose' on a care home where staff behaved abusively to the residents and it caused waves of outrage in Britain . She should have said that in the staff room. They were obviously too complacent. I realise that even if the head nurse heard them, they would have probably just been told to say it quieter between staff members.
And this was when I was first admitted and I was really unwell. It's actually a really quiet place. Yes believe me it's quiet. There is a lot of comings and goings and different staff and visitors, but it is over all quiet. Some people would be surprised. So no lugs eleven, I couldn't care less what or who you were talking to. But to hear a NURSE refer to a rehabilitation ward for every type of mental distress that was a part of a normal hospital for physical illness and where babies are delivered, t's amazing nobody else reacted. I should not have tried to express my incredulous thoughts right there and then and told someone later. So lugs eleven I only reacted to an audacious joke and I wouldn't listen in to anyone's conversations like an eavesdropper. And you were not exactly inconspicuous when you went "oof curry won't help" and I had the noodles in my hand I couldn't help but hear you. And thankfully I enjoy a spicy curry and spicy food all the time.
Check my health records. Food sensitivity and no ibs diagnosed because it's evidently not that bad. If you had seen what I had been through for six years especially then you would see why my body may have taken a beaten.
I was that type of person you read about in psychology texts that whenever they hear a siren they briefly get paranoid they have done something wrong because my up bringing was so strict. I walked on egg shells most of my childhood.

Aug 26, 2018, 09:33 AM

I could have done nursing if I took a few months off. But I couldn't do it in my area because I couldn't do a placement in a place I was a patient in the mental wing. I would not have done mental health nursing.
And I needed guarantors for the college I chose so I had to have a specific career in mind. My family would not have been convinced, so I had to direction and conviction.
After my breakdown, my life was never going to be the same. I could have qualified in nursing but how long could I have held on to my facade before, I would have had to admit defeat? And go back to the drawing board.
I just thought I needed to get away from my hometown and the ghosts. I did get a chance to get away. It was just not what I expected. And I don't regret that I decided to follow my heart. Not yet.

Aug 30, 2018, 10:02 AM

I'll drag you through those higher qualifications said gateway. I could just forget the last year because I didn't sit the fear of the ocean. I didn't have to even say I was unwell. Sneaking out, holding back tears.
It would be my second stab at it. I would do at least four highers plus the maths and ECDL components and if needed I would do an evening class so I had everything I needed to get going on my way to a career and the chance to spread my wings away from my hometown.

Sep 01, 2018, 04:42 AM

German exchange student. It was the heat that made the job so terrible. I didn't like shelf stacking. The same thing day in day out. It was the heat that made my long running job so draining.
I am glad in retrospect that I got the "dunt" from wal mart. But to be honest If I had gone back when I was ready I would still have left after a while.
It whittled down my options and It gave me that push to test myself and move on.

12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balthascar810

I wasn't the strong one like my brother said on new years day 2012 when grandad passed away. It was my brother who was the normal one. He expressed his emotions the way he was meant to unlike his dad and Granda. And his nan and aunt thought the world of him for being emotional. It was me who wasn't in touch with my emotions. But when your hamsters died mum comforted you. Me and mum didn't have that. It would have been selfish of me to try and enforce the way I was practically neglected compared to you. I told Fred. But telling the doctors who have a permanent record of every session. I couldn't do it. The nurses said I could say that I would never get better going home because I was subjected to really bad verbal abuse, of a violent nature and there was no need to be specific. Part of the reason I was there was because I thought no one would believe me.

Nan said when I admitted at 24 that I was maybe jealous of my brother because it was just me and mum for a spell when she left my father. I told her that my mum went out partying while my father looked after me before she left. I didn't say anything about dinner money or clothes or phone contracts. The bike confession was ignored. And I knew that my nan gave my brother money all the time. But I wasn't a blood relative so It was just the way it was. Me and my brother were too different. I was brains, shy and he was outgoing and practical. My brother wasn't just my mum's favourite. I felt bad enough telling my nan about my brother getting a bike costing over double mine at Xmas. I wish I had never told them.
I only did it because I was set to never come back to my old town.
My brother had nothing to do with my unresolved anger or depression. Where do I start? Like the first time, in hospital opening up memories was not what I needed at the time. I felt it was impossoble to bury the hatchet. I was too old then to try and mend things. But if a victim can forgive a perpetrator for sexual assault or other crimes then I can forgive my mum for extreme favouritism. And I need to put my issues in perspective. And It was easier for me to see why David was just trying to be tough than understanding my mums motives for making me feel an inch tall my entire childhood. She told my uncle's family she had a hard life so why did she make mine so difficult? The circle isn't easy to identify when you are inside it. It takes an outsider to save you. There is always suicide. I would have been a good mum if I stayed with Fred. I really would. I would got a therapist. I would have never drunk. I would have taken cooking classes. If I got mad I would say sorry and get them a token.of appreciation. I'd never have been like my mum or my father.

She can't help it, she just loves Paul. I just wanted to roll my eyes when nan played the jealousy card. She honestly didn't know that Paul got more lunch money? That Paul got a phone contract? That he got bags of clothes and I got none? That Paul was the next tiger woods, mum would tell my grandparents and even though I was doing better than Paul at my sport and at school, but my mum still managed to find fault in me.
She would rather Paul was doing well than me. Maybe it's something common with mother's who feel their lives have went to the dogs. And that Fred saying my mum was jealous of me in some respect held some truth back then. At that age it should feel like the world is yours take on, your oyster. I felt that my achievements counted for nothing. No arm around my shoulder to say well done. Not one person asked to see my exam results. So they were not all A ' s but they were good. I know my grandad was disappointed.

Paul still has had to take anti anxiety medication to see him through some rough patches.
I was bottom of the priorities list at home. Mum put Paul first then David the bread winner on equal terms more or less. I can't ever have an ordinary relationship with mum as she has marred too many memories. There's countless episodes I can choose - holiday that they ganged up on me and I was rescued by a family with a baseball bat, pretending I had nits so Paul felt better when I didn't, Paul couldn't do cross country because of asthma so I couldn't, poisoning my grandparents Against me, saying that I had a better chance in life if I joined the army but the army might not think I was intelligent enough for training towards a career even though my teacher said I was by far university material. They punished me for doing well. Look, it's little miss perfect. Who the fuk do you think you are? Move over, as I get pushed off the kerb, they won't move for the likes of us. Of course I felt like my mum only wanted Paul! And not me.

02:38 PM

My situation wasn't like most divorced parents. My mum and biological father were both that stubborn that they were on paper still married until about five years ago.
They split and my father never expressed any regret that he hadn't provided for me, not even physically like food, shelter, clothes. My mum and David pointed this out to me all the time. I knew this and I knew how hard he worked and was the bread winner. But I wasn't his and never would be and that's why Paul was favoured over me in my eyes. I wanted to know where I came from. I had no choice! I had no option because my father was only half a mile away. I walked passed where he stayed on my way to school, it was unavoidable. And I felt a jolt of sympathy for him. I introduced my boyfriend to him. He must have felt guilty and came into my work asking to see me when I stopped visiting.You can't see Someone for ten years and automatically stop thinking about them altogether. Even if they were nowhere near a superhero.

I said I would miss my grand parents more than my parents as a young teen because I was angry at them. I never said it at college because my mum poisoned them against me and then I got un well. I couldn't say my grandad bought me a tv for my room at Xmas because my parents were more interested in their own social lives and drinking. I couldn't bring up holidays with them without the catastrophic one with my parents rearing its ugly head. And going to the beach every Sunday seemed liked a whole other life time. It wasn't exactly cool to talk about my blue nosed but dearly loved grand parents.

Sep 01, 2018, 02:47 PM

You have child bearing hips.
Pinch an inch.
I feel sorry for the sad bast^rd,
Who ends up with you.
I knew she would end
Up a waste of space.
You know what I seen
In the hospital ?
A pathetic excuse
For a human being. Pathetic.

Sep 01, 2018, 03:07 PM

I maybe didn't realise how much my father's mini stroke had impacted on him mentally and physically. All I could see was this limp. He was refused blue cards and I guess other benefits. He was deeply depressed. And me and Fred saw him on many occasions with only a small hint of a limp. I think bra strap was right - it was partly psychosomatic and his head was stuck firmly in the past. I'm just one person and I don't know what everyone was expecting of me?! My base was built on sand so I became sand and I cast myself to the wind and let the air current take me. I would never have survived being detained as a mental health patient if I hadn't .

Sep 01, 2018, 03:29 PM

Why didn't I tell my parents about p2? It's fairly simple. They always assumed something was wrong with me. The teacher would NEVER be wrong. I just caught a bug, picked something up. I remember how rough my mum was brushing my hair to get the tugs out. I mean my brother probably didn't explain punching a boys nose on his first day of school. My parents didn't talk. They were pure authoritarian. The armed forces was my idea of hell. It was just like a job interview to me, that I took to fill a gap. Like at the job centre. I'll save myself for a job I really want and just do this one less than half hearted.

Sep 01, 2018, 03:47 PM

A class mate spoke up and took the rap and like most things it blew over. And I apologise over hitting you because I cannot for the life of me remember why I did it. I think our friendship had ran it's course and we fell out, just part of childhood. And I feel so fortunate to have had a friend that would do something like you did. I remember my birthday and it was chicken curry you had. It was your grandparents we got Pierre from, big softie he was but he pulled me over and I ripped my jeans when he was a pup.

Sep 01, 2018, 05:13 PM

My father wasn't the only relation of mine who people considered intelligent. Unlike most men who had been defeated by life he didn't turn to alcohol. He just chain smoked and drunk coffee. He was quite meek for man, never mind an ex- military man. But he snarled like a disgruntled wolf when any of my mum's family came up in conversation. His most disabling ailment was depression. He said it was seasonal affective disorder. That meant it was the outer elements - the seasons that were at fault but it wasn't.

Sep 07, 2018, 09:16 AM

At least my Mum And David came round eventually after my brealdown. My father never even tried to get in contact with me after hospital to see if I was ok. I asked HIM to come and visit me,making up the excuse that the hospital food was awful and could he bring up a pizza. But he wouldn't drop our disagreement when I got annoyed that he didn't even ask if I wanted anything from my room at my gran and his. I did go to town and shouted a little and for the first time he said : just like your mother.
And then Grans funeral sealed it. He didn't even try and see my side of the story. And even if I did go to the funeral it was all just a cover for him to conceal how disappointed that his daughter was potentially more of a failure than him. Being committed to the psych ward didn't normally spell a promising future afterwards for most people. More people never recovered than did.
My mum and David were God awful when I was first discharged. But they adapted their view. When I lost my job after not being ready, they said it was ok for me to stay at home ad long as I did a hobby and some house work. So I went jogging and tidied up and they cooled down and cut me slack in time.
My mum and David didn't care if I didn't get a good job. But my father was immovable. His illusion was shattered and my intelligence would count for nothing.
My mum never said that Tesco was the lazy option. When I got un well she accepted the doctors theory that it was too much stress. My Father never took into account that college and my sport were more important to me at the time. We can't ever talk again.

Sep 08, 2018, 07:34 AM

I made a joke that If I joined the army I would spend most off my time in the potato shed. You could use some discipline, you said conceitedly. And again, you were wrong. My problem was TOO much discipline. My father: army. His father:army. My gran dad: Navy. Granny: Baptist Christian. My parents: Authoritarian.

Sep 08, 2018, 07:43 AM

Ok so squeezing into the pigeon holes was a bit silly. And wow a line dance while stretching. Why do I feel embarrassed of myself for having fun? Good clean old fashioned fun. I sing along to a pop song and I'm acting weird. I out grew the place. They were hypocrites. Their idea of fun was putting people down and making jokes at others expense and laughing at others misfortune. I just wanted to go out dancing with friends. And that made ME the juvenile one. No, but people only realise when it's too late most of the time.
When I got ill I felt like my licence to have fun in life had been revoked. I didn't want people to think I was crazy. I am not crazy. I am not and never was insane. But I have been mentally unwell ..for a period of time. That doesn't mean forever ill.

Sep 09, 2018, 09:38 AM

My drinking did get out of hand. A "friend" Was propping me up going through the club alleyway to the taxi rank. But suddenly she threw me onto a concrete step which I banged my head on, and fell onto the pavement. It was not just letting me slip by accident. She planned it. She left me and two men who were familiar but I didn't know lifted me one on each side to a taxi and I got home safe.

Sep 10, 2018, 02:56 PM

Oh you stay on same street as some of my mum's side of family. Oh yes, her daughter's are both beautiful. Out of good grace you could have said, Bonnie lassies run in the family. But no. My work made me feel I hadn't much to offer this world. In terms of looks or personality especially. To be frank I was a shadow of myself. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been working at the company. I grew old before my time.

Sep 10, 2018, 05:53 PM

If I were male I wouldn't have been questioned. Fred said that at lunch his old work was like a morgue and nobody really spoke, some just read the news paper.
Another lady who worked there must have told her midwife daughter that they suggested I had SAD. Because they came and spoke to me out back not long after. I had cut myself off from my past for a reason. I hated my life. They had no idea what I had lost.

Sep 13, 2018, 11:16 AM

Did "scribble" realise that I was training at such a high level? And team leader, If I was hoping to compete at competitions that earned points to obtain a place in the Olympic team, would I be allowed to take medication? I didn't need anything until hospital. Right, funny, insane.

Sep 13, 2018, 11:53 AM

I was having a bad day. And it was a flippant remark. I think that actual fruit like the pith may have helped too. Cages ignorant.

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