An Audi TT

My Grandfather passing
Re-iterated the truth.
What do you want ?
I did not want much.
I just wanted him to say:
There is nothing wrong with you.
I love you the way you are.
If he just stopped
Joking around and
Sang Bruno Mars.

You only love me
Because you cannot
Help who fall
In love with?
I never really
Got an answer.
I took his unwillingness
To object, to be
An indication that
It was true.

I know blokes wind
Up their girlfriends, wives and partners.
Fred had an attachment issue.
He would say : Love you,
Even though you used to be a man.
I added the past life,
To avoid misinterpretation
As it would detract
A reader from the issue at hand.
I love you, pill head
And yes he really
Did do a Stephen King
And say...tam pee...head .
Boys never did
That in my primary school
So to hear it from a man?
If I was stressed
I would say he was full of it.
Can you blame me?
Used to be a man?
That is plain strange.
My brother and dad
Use pet names
Like doll and hen
As a wind up.
Fred acted like
A complete a^sehole.
He would say : hunny bunny
Or are you a jungle bunny?
He would throw
His head back and laugh.
I WILL leave, I said.
I should not have
To accept this treatment.
And he would say,
I needed help.
I was a better
Person after my breakdown.
I was conscientious
And more patient.
Fred would not
Go to couples counselling
Because he knew
That he was wrong.

Amarie. I considered
It for a second but
I knew the reason.
Fred did not want
To be a father yet.
It was a bit desperate.
And I won't ever
Speak about our
Sex life because
Their is nothing
To talk about.
I maybe squeezed
My legs around the back
To speed up the process.
That is my only secret.

I am a little nervous
Tomorrow I have
A counsellor and I
Agreed to let the
Student sit in with them.
Trouble is ...a BIG conundrum.
I spoke about my old coach
Last week and I
Think I know the student,
And I don't want
To be called a liar
Because it is true.
They told my ol'mum
I was talented and
Then told my boyfriend
That I was not
Good enough for him.
I think I will phone up
And feign an illness.
Thank god I never
Told them that he
Told my pal that
He hoped someone
Gave me a good seeing to,
Which translates as sex.
He told the whole town,
That I needed a good filling in.
Which also translates as sex.
Nobody said he was out of order.
I had a boyfriend at the time.
Wonders will never cease.

It was not just a pipe dream
That I kept pressing on for.
It was not that at all.
It was just like putting
The lottery on, if I never
Tried I would never know.
I spent my life holding back
And the hospital made
Me feel like I was not
Perks of a wall flowers.
I was fortunate to have
Received very good treatment
From my first in-patient stay
And the ensuing blips.
My family did come round.
And my boyfriend stayed.
My pals spoke to me
Even if there was some distance
But I always felt distant from them.
Home was not so bad
When you had been
At rock bottom.

You can't help who
You fall in love with.
Is that why
We are still together?
You would not
Choose me because
Of the hospital. Ok.

Singing Jamie T.
No wonder the
Amount of sit ups you do.
Was cool to see
You had come
Out your shell.
One of the loveliest
Guys in our year. Bye.

Have you just left school,
Are you 16? Or 18?
I am 23. Five different tools.
Got the slippers wet.
Thought I was going
To get my head bit off.
There is a pair
In the wardrobe.
Lucky save phew.
Thanks all .

Bending my ears.
Cauliflower ears.
Shush for a moment.
You talk way, too much.
Bugging me. Yoghurt.
You did not listen
To the old invigilator.
High five.

I got no pat on the back.
My work got me a card
When I passed my test.
I did not expect a scooter
For passing my exams.
Nobody asked me
If I did well not
Even my pals.
So I can see why
Brickies bums sister
Went off on one.

Zuma:You trying to be cool as ever?
Me: Sorry I fell asleep during
The devil wears prada.
Zuma: Makes a change
From the bathroom floor.
Me: You have a good voice of reason,
Did you get your i-pod going?
Zuma: kerb crawler! You are
Not that hard up are you fleetwood?
Not even wearing a skirt,
For easy access. Get him a refund!
Me: voice of reasonable doubt.

I knew them since nursery school.
They DO have a good heart.
They are just an all out extrovert.
They were cut up when their
First serious boyfriend broke her heart.
She opened up to her parents
And cried her eyes out.
I think that was why she went
A bit crazy with lads. She still invested
Her heart with her next boyfriend
But I guess she was hurt and
Was reluctant to give 100%
Incase it happened again because
The boy really did mess her around.

The fish tank was
Cool to start with
But the more exotic
Fish that arrived, the
More it began to
Smell a little when
You went past it.
Me: We could get a
Cat or dog?
Fred: You have to house
Train them and
AIC, Scooby Doo.
Too much hassle.
Spend my hard
Earned dosh on
Some stupid moggy,
Injections and sh^t
And have to get
Vet insurance. What
If the car gets "pranged?"
Me: All you care about
Is that damn car!

My parents loaned us
A substantial whack of money.
They would have visited
If we had kids.
When I was eighteen
I was out in the local
On a weekend when
My parents were there too.
I miss the competition nights
That we went to.
Even though Fred and me
Were out all the time,
And always spoke
To people when out,
I missed girls nights.

I felt like Fred was more attached
To his car than to me.
When he pummeled
That man and his
Boss made him go
And see the damage
He had done, it did
Not act as a deterrent for Fred.
He was proud of it.
If Fred had not followed
His bosses plea,
There was a chance
He may have pressed charges.
Fred would have recieved
A hefty fine/compensation
Because it would have
Been his first offence.
It would have been
Thousands and he
Would have a record.
Money would have made
Fred think twice over
The crime itself.
He would have made
My life harder if that
Was possible if his fine
Came off each month.
But at least he would
Have learned that
Drunken brawls can
Lead to fatalities.
I scratched the kitchen
Tops when preparing
A stir fry and Fred
Slammed the living
Room cupboard
And started to shake.
So he spoke about the
Time his brothers Wife
Put a knife through
His new trainers
And Fred made out
Like it was a crime
And said she was
An evil witch.
Couples fall out,
Fact of life.
So when I broke
The remote control
For a third time
I was called a psycho
Who could not
Control her mood swings
And needed professional help.
We stopped arguing
Because I was scared of him.

I am not a pill head.
I take medicine. One tablet.
How can you even bring Patrick up.
I should have been British Champion!
I did win but the judges knew he was crooked.
Tangsoodo. He just never got caught.
He said I needed a good filling in
And the ghost busters.
He slept with your friends
Ex and denied it to you all.
He told my Mum cokk and bull
Pretending to be sympathetic
And then told you the opposite.
I was on suicide prevention watch
And he told you to leave
While you had the chance.
I hate him. I used to think
That hating someone was
A waste of time and energy
But he as near as ruined my life.
And you use him to
Support your theories.
You baffle me.

I gave him a slap
On the back.
I was not ready to
Go to a busy place.
Fred complained about
Me falling asleep
When we went a drive.
I had just started tablets.
He said I was a cow.
And before we went
On the rink he said
That he could not
See us having
A future together
If we did nothing physical
After I said I
Was not in the
Mood for hand holding
And his mind
Jumped to the bedroom.
So I lost it in public.
That was not me,
Causing a scene.

I sincerely believed that
The reason they were
Offering my old work
Was because they
Wanted rid of it as
I was now condemned.
They were trying to help.

A fine or ordered to
Pay compensation
To the victim.
Fred had no motive.

I did ask him: Do
You think you are
Only in love with me
Because you cannot
Help who you fall
In love with?

I saw a film where
They are trying to
Catch out a gangster.
They use a beautiful woman
To entice him but
It fails and the spy
Says: he must not
Be into blondes,
He likes brunette's.

I was a teenager.
I said that people
Who claim to be bi-
Are just scared
To admit they are gay.
It is like the bargaining
Stage of acceptance
And it gives their families
Hope that they may
Have a normal 2.4 children
And straight couple relationship.
It is not that right-field?
Maybe it is, maybe not.
But now I am older and
A little bit wiser, I
Do believe in people
Being bi or pansexual.
There are probably
People who come out
As bi when they are gay.
I put it bit bluntly.
I grew up in Scotland.
We are straight to the point.

Fred and his jokes.
I never put it down
To him belittling me.
I was bemused.
I never took them seriously
Because they we're
A bit left of centre
And down right odd.
You won't do me
Because you prefer
The Fonzi cup hm?
Was he joking or
Was he trying to coerce me?
I think the latter.

I took a tumble
Should have caught it.
Nobody cares about
The catchers. It is
Those who can bat.