[Victoria'smom]

Trigger: Suicide



Trigger: Suicide

Possible trigger:

Where to start. I started my Zyprexa again this morning, just the 5 mg. I can’t breathe without it my anxiety is too much. I almost cried taking it this morning. I’m ready to give up. I would take an ambien and go to bed but honestly I want to take them all. I don’t really trust myself to get them. My husband’s sleeping (yes again). I could ask my son to get it for me but that’ll be lazy. I’m not going to the hospital. They’ll take me off odt and put me on more meds. Meds don’t really work for me. I won’t be washed out. I want to cut until I’m a bloody mess or worse. The thing is it seems logical.

Between CP and BP I can’t take care of myself. I’m a ****** wife and mom and that’s my only job! I wouldn’t even cook tonight even then I ordered too much food, I can’t win. I don’t believe I’m depressed. If I was gone my husband wouldn’t have to take care of me. My son’s getting older all his friends are going away to college or having kids. He goes away to college in two years. I’m the one that forces him to do chores. He’s scared of me. My husband and I are more friends than anything. He wants to go out and make friends but I’m no good at that. Most people understandably dislike me. Even here when I do think of you guys as friends/family I’m disliked by many. I’m not even a good aunt. My nephew is to active for me to watch, my other nephew just got kicked out of his house, my other nephew hates me because of my CP. The other two just tolerate me. My sister’s won’t have to come visit me.

The cost of sui is to much right now. We can’t afford a funeral. Assistance and SSI would be taken away. It would change my husband and son’s whole life. My son wouldn’t be able to go to college. A nurse once told me if I was to die my son would have to be hospitalized. Plus my sister’s wedding is in september. Can I really do that to her? I already gave my son and husband problems. What if I caused both of them their BP due to trauma? What if their erratic behavior was caused as a reaction to mine?

I can’t even contain my son’s meltdowns anymore. He had a meltdown about visiting my sister because she kicked her son out. The things he said during that aren’t wrong but I feel we need to support both my nephew and my sister. I ended up telling him he will go and he will be nice. He’s getting older how will he safely handle them when he’s on his own?

How do I change my mind about all these things?

[cashart10]

I just want to drop in to say you are needed and you are loved. I am so sorry you are having such a wretched time and I hope you can find some joy. You deserve it! Please try some grounding techniques and every other tool in your tool box instead of cutting. I want you to stay safe.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Hi Miguel's Mom.
Everything seems overwhelming at the moment. You're too exhausted to even get your meds. This is no time to make any major decisions. In fact, I'd stop trying to think things through, if you can.

You're not well, and your mind will come up with weird conclusions, such as thinking your family would be better off without you. I've seen the effect of suicide on the people left behind. Basically, they will be destroyed. Especially family members. They will never be happy again.

Try to focus on getting your mind back into s healthier state, where you aren't blaming yourself, and being so harsh with yourself.

This sounds like a loving family.

You can get through this!

[*Laurie*]

Please let us know how you're feeling today, MM.

[Victoria'smom]

Possible trigger:

I'm still think suicide is best. My chest is still tight and I can't breathe. I was able to take an ambien and felt much better. Yes I know that I shouldn't stay up on it but I felt so much better. My husband supports my decision. However he wants me on a different med for anxiety then an AP. I didn't tell him I'm suicidal. He knows I'm not happy.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I understand what you're feeling. Maybe it's not best though.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's not best. It would ruin their lives. I'm sorry you're suffering, but please hang in there.

[Victoria'smom]

My dad just got swindled out of $1k for quick fixes to our car. I'm so mad and so sad. They don't have that kind of money. The only reason they fixed our car was my sisters car had to be fixed. I wish he didn't do that. I'm in tears. Why couldn't he wait until we went to our mechanic? or paid for our Mechanic? So our car is still broke (but drive able) and we still have to fix it! I told him I thought he got taken advantage of but he said the car was almost done. I'm so sad! I understand my sister needed her car. We have a car it's our 2nd car that's broke. I should have said no in the first place. I know they wanted to do something nice but I fear they caused more damage in the long run. They don't have $1k! The could have used that for bills, food, anything! Why do parents make things even more stressful? I feel even worse now.

[diamondprincess]

I'm sorry you feel that way, it is a lot to handle. Allow yourself to be sad, thats how you'll get through this. Things won't be better if you are gone, you are just having a hard time right now and thats OK. You want to see your son graduate and attend your sister's wedding like you said. I'm glad you posted this cause I was feeling down myself. If you were gone, I wouldn't have read your thread and felt better, so thank you. You just helped save my life and now I hope I helped to save yours.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by diamondprincess

I'm sorry you feel that way, it is a lot to handle. Allow yourself to be sad, thats how you'll get through this. Things won't be better if you are gone, you are just having a hard time right now and thats OK. You want to see your son graduate and attend your sister's wedding like you said. I'm glad you posted this cause I was feeling down myself. If you were gone, I wouldn't have read your thread and felt better, so thank you. You just helped save my life and now I hope I helped to save yours.

Big hugs, diamondprincess. Amazing post.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

My dad just got swindled out of $1k for quick fixes to our car. I'm so mad and so sad. They don't have that kind of money. The only reason they fixed our car was my sisters car had to be fixed. I wish he didn't do that. I'm in tears. Why couldn't he wait until we went to our mechanic? or paid for our Mechanic? So our car is still broke (but drive able) and we still have to fix it! I told him I thought he got taken advantage of but he said the car was almost done. I'm so sad! I understand my sister needed her car. We have a car it's our 2nd car that's broke. I should have said no in the first place. I know they wanted to do something nice but I fear they caused more damage in the long run. They don't have $1k! The could have used that for bills, food, anything! Why do parents make things even more stressful? I feel even worse now.

It's frustrating and horrible for you. I wish I could take your pain away. Endure for a little longer, if you can. You won't always feel this bad.

[diamondprincess]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Big hugs, diamondprincess. Amazing post.

Thank you

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you guys. I'm laying in bed because my husband asked me to go to bed with him. I tried to get my nephew setup with school but we got nowhere. My sister came over and we got pizza and wings. She's having a rough time but my son won't even talk to her. As soon as she stepped in the house he anounced he had homework and bounced. I hope he can get over his anger towards her. He didn't even play a board game and I know that he was excited to do that. We pick up our car tomorrow. I just wish I could sit down and cry or something just to release this pressure in me. Maybe I should call pnurse and tell her and see what she says. I don't even know what to say though. I mean how do you explain your thoughts when they're all over the place. It's like I can be okay one minute and not the next. I still want to harm myself but I'm going to sleep instead.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I hope you get a good sleep.

[Wild Coyote]

Thinking of you, hoping you are safe and feeling less stressed.


WC

[Victoria'smom]

Today seems better. Trying to help my nephew still. He was giving his mom money to pay for his school and insurance. She put a stop payment on his school and took him off the insurance the day she kicked him out. He works during the school year and has the summer off (outside his college stuff). So he paid in advance. So now he can't drive and is on the verge of getting kicked out of school.

His mom has to graduate him still (he was home schooled) for him to get financial aid. If she doesn't do that he can't go to school in the fall and would have to get his GED. He also can't work in the fall at his old job because she works there too and he doesn't want drama. If I can convince her to graduate him he could do work study and be fine. If not he has to find a full time job (3rd shift) and pay out of pocket for school.

We're going to pay his balance on this semester and drive him to class. We don't have that kind of money but if not he gets dropped and all the money he spent this semester and his work he put into classes would be gone. He'd still have a balance. I honestly don't think he'd go back. He's going to look into donating plasma to pay insurance and the one-day temp jobs. However we would have to drive him to those too.

I think I'm to mad to be depressed today. My mind is going a million miles per hour. My parents are telling me to help him get everything situated like I can just snap my fingers and get everything done. My sister I have no nice words to say to her right now. Still she's coming over with her boyfriend so that her ex won't know he's here and that he now lives with him. He has no income or high school diploma and she doesn't work summers. Her ex is living out of his car to support her and the kids. That's with my parents also helping her. This is such a mess.

I'm glad I can help him through this but man this is stressful. Maybe I can have him get his GED before fall semester starts?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm glad things look a little brighter.

Sheesh, MM, that is some crazy ****! No wonder you're stressed. Please continue to stay safe and try to put aside some YOU time to do something enjoyable, ok?

[pirilin]

If you really want to change your mind, do me a favor and Google "The Law of Attraction".
Do this for me, will you?.

[~Christina]

Often when a person has a overflowing plate it’s best to dump it all off and redo it by literal importance.

Some times we Bipolars add more stress and work and not see that some shyt can be on the back burner for a bit.

Write down everything you have to do in the order of it really needing done.. you might need to rewrite it a few times.

Take care

[Victoria'smom]

I want to hurt. I want to bleed. why aren't I allowed to hurt? This isn't fair. My sister makes a mess and everyone expects me to pick it up. She broke up with her boyfriend. She has a history of getting with someone ruining their lives and then dumping them. She doesn't realize it's her that makes the mess. It's everyone else fault. She's in so much pain right now. She doesn't understand why her son won't talk to her.

Possible trigger:

Is it wrong to think if I OD the hospital can save me?

I'm okay with if they can't. I ended up spending all my husband's money and now we can't get his school book. No one knows how close I am to falling apart. I'm so broken. Maybe I can convince him not to take me to the hospital. This makes no sense.

[Victoria'smom]

Took ONE ambient and I'm staying away from the kitchen and my bathroom.

[Victoria'smom]

In bed now. Do you have to be depressed to be suicidal? I can wait this out. Only 2 more months. I texted my husband

Not feeling well please put up the razor, ibuprofen, and ambien before I wake up. I'm sorry. I love you.

I have to do a priority list and read the link tomorrow. I've just had my phone all day.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Could you call an emergency helpline, dear MM? You don't sound at all well. They can talk you through the options.

Much love.

[Victoria'smom]

Could you call an emergency helpline, dear MM? You don't sound at all well. They can talk you through the options.

I'm worried they'll send me to the ER. Days seem brighter then nights.