Stable...but greedy?

I have been blessed with stability for 4 years. No hospitalizations or major mood swings and 2 years since my last suicidal ideation, for this I am elated. But.....

I want a life. I got the right meds but they have taken so much from me, my passion, my spirit and even the ability to carry on regular conversations. I just am. I am not the things that made me special, all of that has been sacrificed to meds and this disease.

I know many of you can not imagine a year without symptoms let alone 4 and i dont want to sound like i dont appreciate it but i am tired of being a blob. i want to draw again and walk my dogs (anxiety is still with me and i dont leave my home without my husband)

Am i being greedy?

No, you just want your old self back - not greedy at all to expect that.

I know how you feel... I'm a shadow of my former self and have trouble holding a conversation too. I also want my former self back.

As you say, you are lucky to be stable for four years. Maybe it's time to practice talking with people to redevelop those skills.

i forgot to mention i still get depressed, but life without psychosis is what i refer to as stable

I don't think you're being greedy. I don't mind meds in the short term, and they've been life-saving in many storms, but for me, the cost was just too high (both literally and figuratively).

I live alone, have a job, and manage my own home, so zonking out just isn't an option. If someone offered to manage my life for me, I would enjoy being on meds, because they worked and made me feel great. Instead, I just live with mood fluctuations and try to lead a healthy lifestyle, and I can also drive safely and balance my checking account. It's not like I have such an exciting life, for sure, but it's enough, ya know?

I expect I'll cycle again and think it's sort of inevitable, given the nature of bipolar, but in the meantime I won't be a slave to it.

Edited: I just saw your note about psychosis. I've been treated with APs since the 1970s, but to my knowledge I've never been psychotic -- I mean, strictly speaking, like unable to discern reality -- so I can't speak for that. I really don't know what psychotic people go through, but it must be pretty hard...

Greedy? No. No, I can’t imagine 4 hours without horror breathing down my neck, but I’m too stable, too numb, right now.

I’m a blob, too. I like that — “I just am.” I feel that, too. I’m rapidly losing my passion; my passion for everything, I guess. It’s these medications, all of them. They numb me. Carry on a conversation? Like, real talking? My mouth would go dry in seconds, my heart would race, I would make a fool of myself.

I make a fool of myself here, but I keep coming back.

I only leave my apartment for doctor’s appointments.

I found out this morning that I’ll be homeless soon. I’m assembling a homeless shelter duffle bag. When I came here from a psych unit of a nursing home I had the same bright yellow L.L. Bean duffle bag. I’m overdrawn at my bank, my power was due to be disconnected last week, I can’t pay my AT&T bill nor my rent.

I do feel something. Scared and sad. Failed. I failed.

Now. You.

You know the term ‘exposure therapy’? That is the only ‘cure’ that I know for our social phobias. I guess if someone took this to an exteme they might lock their husband in the garage and take a couple of steps out of your front door. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. I’m sorry to say that this is the only therapy that I’m aware of that actually works. Doesn’t mean your fear of snakes means tossing you into a viper pit (although it might feel that way).

Of course you ‘want’ a life. You have to grab it. Take hold of it. Embrace it.

But who am I to talk?

I don't think you're being greedy at all. A lot of meds have that flat affect for me, and to me, that's just as bad as having symptoms, feeling numb all the time and not creative (meds took away my ability to draw as well). Have you talked to your pdoc about how flat and numb you feel?

thanks for your reply, i have talked to my pdoc and she has reduced my antipsychotic. I am afraid to go off of it completely which she has offered. Maybe I will take that leap but i cant put my family through another round of psychosis because I want to feel a little better.

Of course you need to be fully functional, but IMO being “special” or wonderfully “energized” in life is overrated. To me, as long as you are satisfied with your life, you are ahead of many people. Even being stable is putting you ahead of many people with BP. IMO these should be the goals. Being actually happy is icing on the cake. A reduction of some of the meds may help, but IMO do not sacrifice stability. Now if you find a way in being happy with your life, let me know how you did it. Many people without MI would like to know this.

I don't see flat as stable. I would talk to your dr about reducing your medication but make sure you have a prn handy just in case.

What is unstable about flat effect? Sure, it is not where I would want to be, but being stable, functional in every day life, and able to hold down a job, and being successful at it, is much more important to me. I would not do anything that can unbalance myself and take all of this away. Too much is at stake here like paying bills, maybe a mortgage, debts, and accumulating money in the bank, which IMO should be a priority. But many here cannot work, so they have much less in responsabilities, except for something like raising children. Of course they still have a difficult life. Still, I would think the people who are not functional would understand this the best, the importance of being fully functional. But maybe I am wrong on the above statement. Hey, if a person can be stable and alive at the same time, great! But IMO do not count on this being possible.

I am stable, not fully functional...I still cant work and struggle to do basic daily tasks, but i am not swinging and have had no delusions. I agree with what you are saying, but i agree with the comment flat is not stable so i should re evaluate my status

I guess i never looked at it this way, i figured because i was not mood swinging and not delusional or suicidal i have been stable, thanks for the input

I could have written what you did, except it's been 3 years for me and one, short (1 week) bout of hypomania, without euphoria, even.

I am stable, but have lost all creativity, my memory is shot, I feel like I just go blindly from day to day, and life passes me by far too fast. And anxiety stays with me like super glue. I'm in therapy, and it's helped a bit, but I'm still a very anxious person.

No, I don't think it's greedy to want more. I just wish I could tell you how to go about it.

One thing I will share is that 2 pdoc's have now told me that klonopin can really affect you cognitively. Now that my anxiety is a teensy bit better, my therapist raised the possibility of taking less in the morning. I'll talk to my pdoc next I see her about taking .75 for a while (I'm on 1 mg) and then get it down to .5. Part of me is terrified (and I'm going to ask her to keep giving me scripts for 1mg just in case I chicken out, or feak out anxiety-wise) but I'm hoping that it will clear my head a bit. I also drink an enormous amount of coffee to get through the day on 1 mg of klonopin and my therapist said that that can increase my heart rate and then lead to more anxiety. Maybe I could drink less coffee on less klonopin. Mind you, I'd still take the 1mg at night becuase it helps enormously for me to sleep (so you see the challenges in the morning!).

So my point is this. Do you take a benzo, at least PRN? Maybe lessening, little by little, that dose would help wake you up a bit?

I know exactly how you feel, so if I find something that helps I'll share and if you do, please share as well.

Best of luck.

I know exactly what you mean by feeling "flat". Here's what I think. Something needs to be adjusted with your meds. Feeling stable should feel good, not flat and uninspired.

I see. Not good. Along with stability, you need to be functional. I consider both to be inseperable. I recognize the extreme difficulty of your situation. You are still suffering. I would not tolerate this. I hope you find a way to greener pastures, maybe even a place where you can actually feel alive once again. You deserve this.