[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm a week into my first small decrease in klonopin with the goal to come off it. Last night I finally slept and only was up sick once which is a huge improvement. I'm hoping that's all the withdrawal for this dose and I'm not going down again until I see my pdoc in a few weeks. I had enough issues to show this will have to be really slow but apparently if I'm patient I can make it through. I hope.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm a week into my first small decrease in klonopin with the goal to come off it. Last night I finally slept and only was up sick once which is a huge improvement. I'm hoping that's all the withdrawal for this dose and I'm not going down again until I see my pdoc in a few weeks. I had enough issues to show this will have to be really slow but apparently if I'm patient I can make it through. I hope.

(((((( BeyondtheRainbow ))))))

Thinking of you.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Well, I went to get pre-approval for a mortgage loan today. I'm pretty sure my bank account will be run dry if I put down 5%. My bank doesn't do the standard 3.5% minimum. It's either 3% (with PMI), 5% (no PMI), or 20% (no PMI). Those are the only 3 numbers they do, which is absurd. I want to put down 3.5%, or at least 4% at most.

I have to get this all figured out by January 2019, because that's when I have to renew my lease at my apartment complex.

I might have to go through some other bank or something. I can't do 5%. I'll have literally $3000 left in the bank after all *required* fees are paid. That doesn't include a lawyer and then I have to buy appliances and additional furniture, as well as food. $3000 isn't going to cut it. But if I could do 3.5%, then I'm ok.

S***. I'm not sure if I should just do the 3% and pay PMI. Not a happy ending to today.

I am glad you are looking ahead!

Have you tried an FHA loan? The loan parameters tend to be a little different.


WC

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Definitely! And aren't there are lot of countries in Europe with longer maternity leaves and more vacation days, and the people are happier and more productive at work? At least, it seems like I often hear & read about that.

My husband is a Czech and he said most Czechs start with three or four weeks vacation.

My hubby has lived in the US for about 30 years so isn't sure what maternity leave is like now in Czech Republic, but when my sister-in-law had her children, she got 3 years leave with full pay. Women who had children also had time shaved off of their minimum retirement age. The more kids one had, the earlier you could retire as a woman. He also said there was no limit on sick days, with a doctor's note. You'd still be paid while sick, though he forgets if it was full pay. In both cases, a job would be held, though perhaps not the same one. Again, he's not sure if this has changed, but believes if it has it hasn't changed significantly. Insurance is never an issue for anyone in Czech Republic. They have universal coverage, as does pretty much every other country in Europe, as well as Canada, Australia, New Zealand, and some others. He believes that the only rich country in the world that doesn't provide universal health coverage for its citizens is the United States of America.

My husband and I are seriously considering moving to Europe. Not that we don't love the US, but it is not clear if we will have adequate health insurance in the future. He is a European citizen as well as an American citizen. That fact can provide us with more security than we have here. It's a shame, but true. My situation and the high cost of medical bills (with private insurance) has started to impoverish us. I shouldn't complain too much because I know others in the US have similar or even worse situations. I have no job to go back to. I was eventually terminated from my job for being sick too long. I'm fortunate that I was able to work long enough for SSDI. I wish I could work again, but my progress is not quite there yet and the risks of such a transition, if I could get a decent job again, are high.

Plan for tomorrow: Go from zero to problem in 15 minutes and blame it on bipolar disorder. Works every time.

today is a really boring day so far.

sat here posting to the forum and listening to music.

it is hardly the lifestyle of someone who is meant to live life

but it is all I can manage

yesterday I felt destructive, so decided I'd destroy my friends music collection she had stored on the microsoft cloud

I feel bad now, because I'm using her space for my own collection, but at the same time, it felt so good to see all those folders vanish

I was angry and frustrated at life, and when I get like that, the best thing for me is to ruin something.

I still feel a little destructive now..

I don't have any of the food I want in for next week.

so..

trashing the freezer sounds tempting

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am glad you are looking ahead!

Have you tried an FHA loan? The loan parameters tend to be a little different.


WC

Yeah, I was thinking about that because of the 3.5% thing. I'm also going to look into different banks to see what they offer. I really, really don't want to spend more than 4% (as I said). I think that's a dealbreaker, actually..

I think Obama (or maybe it was Clinton?) created a first time home buyers thing for taxes, but I haven't looked into that yet.

I also forgot about possibly having to break my lease early depending on when I get the house. I already pay an arm and a leg for my apartment. I don't even want to say here how much I spend on rent, but it's absurd and more than the cost of a monthly mortgage for a decent sized house.

I'm definitely NOT living anywhere near Boston anymore. Not that I can afford an actual house in the Boston area anyways... Not at f***ing $500k for a 800 sq foot house with no garage and no central cooling. You've got to be making at least $150k a year to afford that!

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I just want the magic again. The last time I was hypomanic was the best. It went on for a whole month. I got so much done. I met my boyfriend. Everything was magical. I soooo wish I could feel like that again. Nothing bothered me. I didn’t do anything too stupid so it didn’t ruin my life. I didn’t get too high. It was great.

I feel so blah now. Being unemployed for five months has really taken its toll on me. I’m so bored all the time I just sleep. I don’t have any motivation to do anything like cook or clean or go to the gym. I just sit around like a lump. And now that I probably lost the job I had I’m even more depressed thinking about starting the process again. It’s horrible. And I realize it’s not nearly as bad as what some of you are going through but I just...feel stuck.

Plus my boyfriend has become really distant. We don’t talk anymore really and we hardly ever see each other. This is because of his work schedule. He works ten to seven and then goes to the gym so he’s not home till 9:30 and by then he’s too tired to talk. Plus he has his son in the weekends so I can’t see him then. I want us to get through this but I don’t see how we can unless he commits to giving me time each day to talk to me for a little while and commits to seeing me no matter how tired he is. All we do is cuddle in bed anyway. It’s not like we go out on dates or anything. And I’m perfectly fine with that. I just wish he would talk to me more. I tried to talk to him about it but got nowhere.

I also find myself wanting to be hypomanic at times. It feels good, you're productive, and you are not doing super risky or stupid stuff all the time. Once I had a 6 month period of stability that was almost like hypomania, or maybe some of it was. I'd LOVE to have that back again.

I'm sorry about your BF becoming distant. I only had 2 serious BFs before I met my husband, and with my husband, it was crazy. I knew him 2 weeks and it felt like I'd known him my whole life. Much like my daughter now. I hardly remember having a life before she was born, but I did. My husband was the same way.

Do you live together or not? I can't remember if you posted that or not (stupid BP racing thoughts).

For me, with both my serious BFs before my husband, unfortunately them becoming distant was the first sign before they broke up with me I hope you can get through this. Have you been able to talk to him about it? I think the sooner you can talk to him and tell him you've been feeling more & more distant in your relationship and that things need to change, it might be better in the long run. Yes, it could lead to a breakup, and that would suck, and you'd need to be strong enough to handle that, but I think keeping feelings like that closed up isn't great for a relationship either. No matter what you do, I hope things turn out the best for you

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm a week into my first small decrease in klonopin with the goal to come off it. Last night I finally slept and only was up sick once which is a huge improvement. I'm hoping that's all the withdrawal for this dose and I'm not going down again until I see my pdoc in a few weeks. I had enough issues to show this will have to be really slow but apparently if I'm patient I can make it through. I hope.

That is a great goal! Often I tell myself I can just quit the Klonopin (well the generic) that I take without repercussions, but I think I'm just kidding myself. And I've been on it for ages. Over 10 years, I think. My old pdoc did not want to raise it to 4 mg until I admitted to her I was dosing myself with 4 mg and had been for awhile. I must have had an old bottle lying around from a time I had the great idea to stop all my meds (which was not at all a great idea and led to severe mania).

New pdoc does not want me struggling with dosage withdrawal effects until my life calms down a bit, and he is probably right about that. Maybe once I've been in therapy awhile and/or this CPS case is closed, and we know what is going to happen with our living situation - rent someplace, sell/rent the house, get foreclosured on it =, declare bankruptcy, though we pay our credit cards in full monthly so I suppose we'd have time to run up some debt there, and our vehicles are old, we own them outright without bills.

But I am proud of you getting trying to get off such an addictive benzo. It cannot be easy. Great job on a good start

[scatterbrained04]

Another rainy day. Blah. Stayed in bed until lunch. So many awful things popping into my head. I'm thinking of ending my relationship, and I don't even know if my reasons are legit. I don't even know if I'll still feel this way tomorrow. Haven't done much all weekend except grocery shop. My house is a wreck.

[Nammu]

I'm taking today off! Haven't gotten dressed or eaten properly, planing on frozen meal for supper. Not depressed or anything just want the day off. It's a beautiful cool sunny day, just don't want to do anything but read and laze the day away.

[Blueberrybook]

I had a hard day. Very hard. Maybe good in the long run? I'm not sure. H tries to understand MI but just doesn't get it how if I am having a long panic attack but if I had to act instantly to save my daughter's life, I could do that, but yet I can't usually do normal things well or at all during a long panic attack. Or if BP is bad & you're depressed, you can do basic chores & self- care (maybe) but not hold down a job.

Not to mention when things are hard or I cannot stop severe anxiety, I often dissociate? Is that the word? Where you feel like you are watching your life like a movie?

Neither of us expected to be talking about my MI today. I feel guilty. I wasted a lot of H’s time and he had papers to grade and lessons to plan, and then we end up discussing money and my MI and if I take advantage of him because of it. I don’t in the sense it never leaves, but he has trouble understanding how one person may have BP and be a complete mess, have to leave a teaching job only two days in and nearly need IP (such as me), but another person can have BP, hold down a job, to all appearances be normal. I don’t know just how you explain that to someone who doesn’t have MI.

Heavy stuff.

It's just hard.

[Unrigged64072835]

Hello...I am so TIRED.

Did laundry, sweeping, and vacuuming today, plus making dinner that didn’t work out because I missed a few words in the recipe. Had to pick up food early because there was a city fest near our store and TS Gordon’s remnants decided to pay a visit as well. Just want to go to bed really early but that won’t happen. Was really short with my husband, so I feel bad for that.

Lots of love and virtual hugs. I’d give real hugs but my arms are dead from moving furniture around.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I had a hard day. Very hard. Maybe good in the long run? I'm not sure. H tries to understand MI but just doesn't get it how if I am having a long panic attack but if I had to act instantly to save my daughter's life, I could do that, but yet I can't usually do normal things well or at all during a long panic attack. Or if BP is bad & you're depressed, you can do basic chores & self- care (maybe) but not hold down a job.

\.

Have you ever seen the spoon theory? Maybe it would help your husband understand? I used to use my own version of this (using measuring cups) with patients and families when I was working and several years later was happy to see it in the non-therapy world.

But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino - But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Have you ever seen the spoon theory? Maybe it would help your husband understand? I used to use my own version of this (using measuring cups) with patients and families when I was working and several years later was happy to see it in the non-therapy world.

But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino - But You Dont Look Sick? support for those with invisible illness or chronic illness

I never heard of the spoon theory.

Low dose Seroquel twice today for panic. Damn.

[Daonnachd]

Just briefly - I'm home. My siblings and I moved our mother out of her place. She will never see many of her possessions again. She's going to be staying with a friend these last few months. It felt morbid and heartbreaking sorting through her things and making decisions who got what or where stuff went. It was very hard work physically and quite taxing emotionally, too.

[Moose72]

Doritos

When we had guests from Europe a month ago I clearly had anxiety hidden beneath a normal exterior. I was obviously clenching and grinding my teeth so severely that it caused a toothache. It was so bad that I went to the dentist, but he said nothing was wrong other than the clenching and grinding. He told me I needed a mouth guard, but I refused it.

When our guests left, my tooth pain eased, but about two weeks ago I stopped my Ativan with my psychiatrist's permission. A few days later, the tooth pain returned. Now it's sometimes my whole jaw on the left side of my mouth. I'm trying not to clench and grind during the day, but it seems like I've started doing so during my sleep, too. We can't easily afford a dentist made mouth guard, and the OTC one is uncomfortable. I wonder if I should take a little Ativan again. Maybe every other day.

[wildflowerchild25]

After a couple of down days I had a better day today. Took my son to the trampoline park with one of his friends. I’m friends with the mom so it’s not anxiety producing like kids parties are. Went to friendly’s for lunch; there are a few new menu items that are healthier than most of their other options so I was happy about that. I did have a sundae though lol. I still came in under my calories for the day since I only had pretzels and hummus for dinner.

My boyfriend and I talked more today so I’m happier. I’m more confident that he’s not tiring of me. I hope to see him Wednesday.

My SIL is back from vacation so I hope I’ll get to see her this week. If not it’s ok because we are going to Winefest at my favorite winery on Saturday. I am excited for that!

[Polibeth]

I feel a downturn coming on. I've been manic since June - had several ECT's (this is our go-to treatment and has worked well utilizing it from time to time). A few med tweaks and tonight I just feel slightly depressed and looking back my mood has been shifting slowly for the past week. I'm just now noticing it.

Luckily I have therapy on Tuesday and pdoc on Wednesday.

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Just briefly - I'm home. My siblings and I moved our mother out of her place. She will never see many of her possessions again. She's going to be staying with a friend these last few months. It felt morbid and heartbreaking sorting through her things and making decisions who got what or where stuff went. It was very hard work physically and quite taxing emotionally, too.

Extra special hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

Just briefly - I'm home. My siblings and I moved our mother out of her place. She will never see many of her possessions again. She's going to be staying with a friend these last few months. It felt morbid and heartbreaking sorting through her things and making decisions who got what or where stuff went. It was very hard work physically and quite taxing emotionally, too.

(((((( Daonnachd ))))))

Much love to you and to yours!


WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

So yesterday when I said I was through the worst of the klonopin withdrawal for this dose I was wrong. I was operating under the influence of Pepto bismal and when it wore off I got sick again. So more Pepto, an angry stomach and I'm wake after a desperate run to the bathroom.

My pdoc told me to stop the taper if I wasn't better in a few days. I think that was Thursday. But I've made it this far and I hate to have to start over. I think I'll go through this week's pill box and decide then.

I don't know what I expected but I thought the first drop would be easy. I was wrong.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

So yesterday when I said I was through the worst of the klonopin withdrawal for this dose I was wrong. I was operating under the influence of Pepto bismal and when it wore off I got sick again. So more Pepto, an angry stomach and I'm wake after a desperate run to the bathroom.

My pdoc told me to stop the taper if I wasn't better in a few days. I think that was Thursday. But I've made it this far and I hate to have to start over. I think I'll go through this week's pill box and decide then.

I don't know what I expected but I thought the first drop would be easy. I was wrong.

How much are you decreasing at a time?