Today was a sh*tfest. I had horrible anxiety all day — started to have what I thought was a panic attack (haven’t had one in over a year), but it stopped before taking off fully. My biggest challenge in working isn’t the work or the schedule or the demands, it’s dealing with other people. It’s especially hard to deal with people who are angry and judgemental and CONSTANTLY COM0LANING. Nothing I do is ever right by them. Teachers don’t understand my job, so I get constant bs from them about things they don’t understand. Social workers think they know everything and overstep their boundaries about things they don’t understand. Admins don’t get that the demands of my job are very different from any other school position, and then they make ridiculous demands. I end up doing almost 20 hrs of work outside of the school day each week, and most of it is just because people are arrogant and self-righteous and don’t really know what they are talking about.

I felt like quitting today. It was one of those “tending a cash register in a rural Iowa gas station sounds nice” days. I’m sure things will get better if I just ignore what’s going on in my head— but I have such a short fuse when it comes to interpersonal problems and am so sensitive to other people’s perceptions of me (are those bipolar things, or just personality traits?). I can’t stop thinking about what other people might be thinking about me - I always assume it’s negative, and I blow up every small comment into some disasterous personal critique. I’ve tried CBT techniques, and they are helpful, but it’s happening too much and too frequently to make use of it. Buspar helped rid most of the anxiety, but it had bad side effects for me. Fluoxetine helped a lot, but my new pdoc didn’t want me on it. Benzos just put me to sleep. IDK what to try anymore. I feel like I’m going to lose it at any point.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by IRememberMyFirstBee

Today was a sh*tfest. I had horrible anxiety all day — started to have what I thought was a panic attack (haven’t had one in over a year), but it stopped before taking off fully. My biggest challenge in working isn’t the work or the schedule or the demands, it’s dealing with other people. It’s especially hard to deal with people who are angry and judgemental and CONSTANTLY COM0LANING. Nothing I do is ever right by them. Teachers don’t understand my job, so I get constant bs from them about things they don’t understand. Social workers think they know everything and overstep their boundaries about things they don’t understand. Admins don’t get that the demands of my job are very different from any other school position, and then they make ridiculous demands. I end up doing almost 20 hrs of work outside of the school day each week, and most of it is just because people are arrogant and self-righteous and don’t really know what they are talking about.

I felt like quitting today. It was one of those “tending a cash register in a rural Iowa gas station sounds nice” days. I’m sure things will get better if I just ignore what’s going on in my head— but I have such a short fuse when it comes to interpersonal problems and am so sensitive to other people’s perceptions of me (are those bipolar things, or just personality traits?). I can’t stop thinking about what other people might be thinking about me - I always assume it’s negative, and I blow up every small comment into some disasterous personal critique. I’ve tried CBT techniques, and they are helpful, but it’s happening too much and too frequently to make use of it. Buspar helped rid most of the anxiety, but it had bad side effects for me. Fluoxetine helped a lot, but my new pdoc didn’t want me on it. Benzos just put me to sleep. IDK what to try anymore. I feel like I’m going to lose it at any point.

I have been very irritable and have gotten some relief from using gabapentin. I take a large dose at night so it has time to wear off some, yet still keeps me much calmer all day long. I can take more during the day, if needed.

Is gabapentin an option for you?

I hope you feel better soon!

:hug;
WC

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have been very irritable and have gotten some relief from using gabapentin. I take a large dose at night so it has time to wear off some, yet still keeps me much calmer all day long. I can take more during the day, if needed.

Is gabapentin an option for you?

I hope you feel better soon!

:hug;
WC

I have no idea. I don’t really know anything about meds that I haven’t personally taken before. But I will ask about it! Thanks!

Ok. New day. I took some leftover medicine (Xanax? Valium? I’m not sure what it is.) and slept for almost 10 hrs. I see now that I’ve been expecting people to read my mind and meet my needs w/o giving them the information they need to do that. I’m gonna work on that....instead of just flipping out internally when everyone’s not a mind reader.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by IRememberMyFirstBee

Ok. New day. I took some leftover medicine (Xanax? Valium? I’m not sure what it is.) and slept for almost 10 hrs. I see now that I’ve been expecting people to read my mind and meet my needs w/o giving them the information they need to do that. I’m gonna work on that....instead of just flipping out internally when everyone’s not a mind reader.

Today will be a better day. You've already laid a good foundation with your new and healthier perspective.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I'm glad you have them, especially right now. It's heartwarming to know that a sibling loves you and would do anything for you. ...Or would be willing to if she weren't recovering from surgery. We are fortunate; not everyone has good relationships with their siblings.

That is true. After my mother-in-law passed in late December there has been a rift been him and him sister.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by IRememberMyFirstBee

Today was a sh*tfest. I had horrible anxiety all day — started to have what I thought was a panic attack (haven’t had one in over a year), but it stopped before taking off fully. My biggest challenge in working isn’t the work or the schedule or the demands, it’s dealing with other people. It’s especially hard to deal with people who are angry and judgemental and CONSTANTLY COM0LANING. Nothing I do is ever right by them. Teachers don’t understand my job, so I get constant bs from them about things they don’t understand. Social workers think they know everything and overstep their boundaries about things they don’t understand. Admins don’t get that the demands of my job are very different from any other school position, and then they make ridiculous demands. I end up doing almost 20 hrs of work outside of the school day each week, and most of it is just because people are arrogant and self-righteous and don’t really know what they are talking about.

I felt like quitting today. It was one of those “tending a cash register in a rural Iowa gas station sounds nice” days. I’m sure things will get better if I just ignore what’s going on in my head— but I have such a short fuse when it comes to interpersonal problems and am so sensitive to other people’s perceptions of me (are those bipolar things, or just personality traits?). I can’t stop thinking about what other people might be thinking about me - I always assume it’s negative, and I blow up every small comment into some disasterous personal critique. I’ve tried CBT techniques, and they are helpful, but it’s happening too much and too frequently to make use of it. Buspar helped rid most of the anxiety, but it had bad side effects for me. Fluoxetine helped a lot, but my new pdoc didn’t want me on it. Benzos just put me to sleep. IDK what to try anymore. I feel like I’m going to lose it at any point.

I tried to work as I teacher, and I lasted 2 days. The stress got to me so much, I quit 2 days after the students returned. My husband is a teacher, and I couldn't go through all the crap he has to deal with, what admin dumps on him often last minute, and a bad principal. What is your job? I think any job where you can get so much crap dumped on you the last minute has to be stressful. You're doing better than I did.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by IRememberMyFirstBee

Ok. New day. I took some leftover medicine (Xanax? Valium? I’m not sure what it is.) and slept for almost 10 hrs. I see now that I’ve been expecting people to read my mind and meet my needs w/o giving them the information they need to do that. I’m gonna work on that....instead of just flipping out internally when everyone’s not a mind reader.

Like you said new day. Good sleep always helps me handle things better. Not always easier, but at least without going into uncontrollable crying & panic.

Well, yesterday I went without hitting myself self-harm wise. Now I've hit myself repeatedly this morning. I'm getting bruises all over now.

Sucks a lot. I don't know why I do it. I randomly did it for no reason. I literally woke up and did it for the hell of it. Yet I'm too afraid to tell my therapist tomorrow. I think she will think I'm hiding things from her and that I'm not trustworthy all because I've hidden this from her for so long. I don't know what to say to her. I'm so lost.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Well, yesterday I went without hitting myself self-harm wise. Now I've hit myself repeatedly this morning. I'm getting bruises all over now.

Sucks a lot. I don't know why I do it. I randomly did it for no reason. I literally woke up and did it for the hell of it. Yet I'm too afraid to tell my therapist tomorrow. I think she will think I'm hiding things from her and that I'm not trustworthy all because I've hidden this from her for so long. I don't know what to say to her. I'm so lost.

Hey blue,

I think therapists expect that we hold back on divulging everything. I know I do at times. If you are ready to tell her, then go ahead and share with her.

I am sorry you go through this. I hope your therapist will help you to understand more about this.

Much Love,

WC

[Unrigged64072835]

Computer glasses ordered and new kitchen cart picked up yesterday. Long trip though.

Feeling sick and depressed today, so taking it easy. Think an increase in my statin is causing problems with my liver. Seeing a GI specialist on Tuesday to know for sure.

Love and hugs to everyone.

[Cocosurviving]

My allergies had me down for a few hours this morning. I finally got up and started cooking homemade chili for my younger daughter A. Then her school called A accidentally ate a pop tart with dried strawberries in it. She’s allergic to strawberries. Because I’m smart I took her epipen and a few Prednisones to the school the first day. I gave permission for her to have a prednisone. I have an allergy appt this week.

I'm sleeping way too much. I'm on three meds that cause drowsiness. Really sick of it. Having urges to stop the meds but I know that won't go well.

I joined a benzo withdrawal forum today on another site. It looks like a very good and supportive non-triggering place. Two weeks ago, I stopped my low dose Ativan. I'm still on Klonopin and won't go off that in the near future or ever. I have experienced some benzo withdrawal symptoms since stopping the Ativan. They're not usually severe, in my case, but they've continued parts of most days for two weeks now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

BirdDancer, would you mind sharing the site? I'm beginning to come off klonopin and it is not as easy as I'd hoped, although I'm doing ok overall. I have looked at some sites but am not interested in ones that vilify benzos or prescribers as I am glad to have had the klonopin and feel it was prescribed appropriately, just now it is appropriate to come off it if I can.

Thanks

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

BirdDancer, would you mind sharing the site? I'm beginning to come off klonopin and it is not as easy as I'd hoped, although I'm doing ok overall. I have looked at some sites but am not interested in ones that vilify benzos or prescribers as I am glad to have had the klonopin and feel it was prescribed appropriately, just now it is appropriate to come off it if I can.

Thanks

Hi BeyondtheRainbow. All the best getting off Klonopin. I understand what you mean. I haven't yet witnessed anything really negative there and their rules seem to discourage such posts.

Note: I tried to post the link here and it came up with some "Access Denied" instead of the link. I'll try sending you the link via PM.

[Scooter9]

I set my alarm and got up earlier today - only 9 hours of sleep instead of 12. I need to get back into a better routine.

I took 200mg of Modafinil as soon as I got up to give it the best chance at working today. I think it finally worked because I was able to read 50 pages of a book a friend of mine wrote. I haven't had the desire or motivation to read or write for many, many months so this is a change.

I'm also not feeling as low as I was a couple of days ago. The low feelings are still there in the background, but I feel as if I can more easily cope with them and keep them at bay as opposed to having them wash over me.

[RainyDay107]

@BirdDancer and @BeyondtheRainbow:

I am decreasing my dosage of Klonopin, too. I’m not addicted but I’m absolutely dependent. 1mg four times a day for ten years. I don’t think I will go off them entirely, as I have several anxiety disorders.

I incorporate breathing, mindfulness, meditation, DBT, CBT ... tell myself to snap out of it. It isn’t enough for a decent quality of life. My pdoc says we will work together and not “force” me, etc. I am concerned because he want to drop one mg a month, yikes, I read that is way too fast. Not sure?

I don’t know if I have withdrawal or not, I’m unwell with a mixed episode. I would like to be part of a website that is more neutral. I’m scared to go to a site like BenzoBuddies.

[Faltering]

I saw my pdoc today. He must've thought I'm worse off because he bumped Latuda up to 120 mg (max) again. I told him about sleeping all the time, anxiety, and bouts of anger. He prescribed Adderall XR for sleepiness, but I just found out my insurance doesn't cover it. I'll have to call the doc back and ask for regular Adderall. He said he could do that over the phone. He also recommended a doctor for my migraines. My blood pressure was 151/89! Quite unusual. I asked if it could be from all the ibuprofen I took today and he said it's rare. So I'm not sure why my blood pressure is suddenly sky high.

[Blueberrybook]

I saw the pdoc today. Still in mixed episode, which according to the disability form he handed me after the appointment was worded Bipolar I mixed, severe. OK, well that alone is disability enough, but of course, he adds severe panic disorder (he seems to like the word "severe") because I also have severe decompenasations whenever I try to work, which is true. Well, and then he adds panic disorder and all the others, throwing in ADHD which I may or may not have as that could all be med side effects. God knows I've been on psych drugs forever.

This stupid mixed state or my forgetfulness, whatever, made me forget to ask the pdoc for therapist recommendations. Maybe I'll ask the social worker over at the PCP's clinic. What is she there for after all? I also forgot to to tell him I'm forgetting things a lot and dissociating quite a bit, nearly always when running (though I can snap myself back to reality if I want to), sometimes, just at home. I really wanted to let him know about the dissociation problem, but then I mentioned my mail order pharmacy not sending me my meds problem being out of Buspar for God knows how long, only 1 Seroquel 400 mg pill left (I have a good hunch suddenly to skip a dose of Seroquel 400 mg would not be pleasant), running low on others too. So had to have sideline discussion about pharmacy/mail-order pharmacy (which insurance insisted I use and messed everything up). Now, I'm not sure if I had increased anxiety & panic attacks over the last week because that is where I'm at mentally or it's missing the Buspar. Luckily, Buspar is not supposed to have withdrawal effects, though it warns there can be an increase in anxiety. After that, pdoc asked what my weight was. I told him the number I thought I told him last week. Oops. Today the number I told him was lower than last time, but only by 1 lb. That is a pretty good weight estimate for me during the day, just not first thing in the morning. Now, here I really don't understand why I didn't ask him for a list of therapists. We discussed my looking for therapy, having a hard time even just finding a regular therapist, not ED-based therapist. Pdoc says DBT or CBT ofen works best on EDs. Well, I'd never heard of DBT until I few days ago, but CBT did get me out of severe anorexia, so I can't knock it. Told him lots of factors were making it hard for me to find a therapist. Then, I completely forget to ask him about recommendations or if the front desk might have recommendations. Hopefully, I'm feeling better to tomorrow, and I'll get back on that therapy thing though I need to get the disability form sent to the state too.

I had to take low dose Seroquel to calm sky high anxiety after yelling on the phone and cursing out CVS Caremark. Well, I'm sure that would be a nice recorded call if you ever had to go back and listen. But I wasted over 2 hours to try to get my meds on the way and get a few loaners of Buspar, hydroxyzine, and Seroquel 400 mg.

Something else I wanted to post here, but again, I forgot! Hopefully, I can make it a whole 2 weeks before seeing the pdoc again by having to come in early or calling him on his cell phone. I've already called his phone an amazing number of times, given that he only started up as my pdoc the very last couple days of March. Probably thinking he's got a needy case on his hands. And it is disconcerting to realize yep, with that perforated ulcer thing, I would have died if my daughter hadn't got H home in time. I wouldn't have wanted to bother calling his classroom phone because that number has an extension to look up first. And by the time I'd know I needed 911, it would have been too late. That whole thing was super traumatic from house to ambulance to surgery to hospitalization & pain to recovery that no doctor could give an estimate on how long it would take.

Originally Posted by RainyDay107

@BirdDancer and @BeyondtheRainbow:

I am decreasing my dosage of Klonopin, too. I’m not addicted but I’m absolutely dependent. 1mg four times a day for ten years. I don’t think I will go off them entirely, as I have several anxiety disorders.

I incorporate breathing, mindfulness, meditation, DBT, CBT ... tell myself to snap out of it. It isn’t enough for a decent quality of life. My pdoc says we will work together and not “force” me, etc. I am concerned because he want to drop one mg a month, yikes, I read that is way too fast. Not sure?

I don’t know if I have withdrawal or not, I’m unwell with a mixed episode. I would like to be part of a website that is more neutral. I’m scared to go to a site like BenzoBuddies.

Hi RainyDay. I was actually referring to their site. I've only looked around that site for half of today, but don't see any major red flags there. I can't say if there are since I just joined. Some leaders there mention general suggestions for weaning off, but don't seem to be dictating anything. Nor did anyone today say I must go off all benzos when I wrote I was staying on Klonopin, and just coming off Ativan.

I rather plan to follow my psychiatrist's suggestions or ask him about something I read on the site if it sounds reasonable. I will likely not write much about my bipolar disorder or those meds on a benzo withdrawal site.

I read in their "rules" that members are not supposed to be anti meds. I'll hope that's true. I do know that in the past, I encountered people at AA (obviously not the majority) that tried to tell me to stop meds. I know to ignore such types. They are potential hazards. I'll see how it goes.

[RainyDay107]

I feel lousy in a wired, depressed way. Mixed. First time I have declined a med since I’ve been seeing my pdoc since 10+ years. He wanted me to get off Geodon and try Vyralar, gave me samples. The other choice was Rexulti. I researched both online thoroughly and, nope, will not do.

Called him and told him let’s bump my Geodon back up. Explained that I won’t take either of the meds he suggested, based on research and thinking it over. Told him I appreciate us working together on my meds. And that I know it’s not been easy getting me stable, but I appreciated being under his care.

He called back and gave the thumbs up on the Geodon and called it in. *whew*

He’s running out of treatment options for me. He mentioned ECT two appointments ago and he’s never uttered the acronym in my presence. He mentioned maybe I should move close to a research hospital. And some magnet thing,

He’s mentioned the hospital a lot,too, but has never forced me. I’ve been a bunch of times and the med changes did not work and the lack of privacy triggers my C-PTSD.

I’m not going to hurt myself. I am lucky to be alive from serious, past attempts. It no more. I just feel like Im in hell, everything is my fault, Ima waste of space, functionality is zilch, what a LOSER.

This is from ongoing stress, this episode. And grief. My boyfriend is getting down, feeling the stress, too. (He is also Type 1).

@BirdDancer, thanks for the info. Maybe the rules have changed. I’m hanging on by my fingernails with a mixed episode right now. I probably can’t objectively focus on it right now. I appreciate you replying.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Thanks Bird Dancer. I got the PM and will have a look.

Rainy my pdoc is lowering .25 mg per month, .5 if I tolerate it well which I haven't so at least for now it will be tiny bits. I'm on 2 mg/day, all at once. She told me before that it could take up to 2 years to get off it. So 1mg/month seems fast to me but I always have to do everything slowly because I'm sensitive to meds and my body makes sure we know it.

[Wild Coyote]

H is away for work. I am still mixed. Blah.

The past few days have been rough again.

Awaiting a sleep consult with a sleep M.D. My pdoc feels my sleep issues reach far beyond her expertise in sleep. I think she is right. She's very bright, indeed!

I hope we can finish the consult and the sleep study soon.
Probably won't happen soon enough!

Love to All!

WC

don't feel anything.

I don't.

I am alive but why?

I litirally don't feel anything