Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I contacted the recruiter about whether HR has made a decision yet and she never got back to me. So at this point I’m assuming a lost the job and I’m applying elsewhere. If I didn’t lose the job great but I want to cover my bases if I did. Sucks waiting to hear for sure though. I wish they would just call me already.

I bought a pack of real cigarettes today and have been smoking them out of stress. I hope I can stop after one pack

That sucks about the job. The wait is the worst part. I read a quote somewhere that I tell myself in these situations: “If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.” There is a door for you.

Lol re: the cigarettes. I had coffee today even though I know what the caffeine does to me. I guess it’s clear what we use to self-medicate.

[Moose72]

I think i figured out my meds

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I think i figured out my meds

Great!

WC

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Great!

WC

Thanks!

And my ex thinks he got a job up his street a lot like his old one so Im crossing my fingers it has insurance and enough for child support for my youngest.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Thanks!

And my ex thinks he got a job up his street a lot like his old one so Im crossing my fingers it has insurance and enough for child support for my youngest.

Good news!

WC

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I posted to the check-in right as the limit was reached, and my post was lost...

I had a busy day today. I couldn't run, which made me anxious, but I did manage just enough time to walk 2 miles. If I had run, I wouldn't have had time to shower and would have been dripping sweat at the pdoc's. Saw the pdoc, who gave me low dose 25 mg Seroquel to try to help with those drawn out panic attacks I've been having, so long as I'm not driving or about to drive. We'll see how that works. He didn't seem super concerned about the ED stuff or the dissociation. Then, he says to come back in a week. So I don't know.

I saw the PCP, who has known me for over 14 years and has seen me through ups and downs, a pregnancy, a fairly bad relapse and recovery. She did send me for bloodwork (was honest & told her about the excessive running) because losing too much weight too rapidly can cause things like electrolyte imbalances. I also didn't realize that the latest bloodwork she had was requested not that long post surgery, when I first started seeing the new pdoc (maybe early April). It had some small abnormalities in it, but they were all things to be expected post-ulcer surgery. However, whatever tests she ordered today, they took 6 vials of blood. Thank God I didn't need to be fasting because I still almost passed out (it's always about 50/50).

The PCP had a social worker come in, who did give me some paperwork about helping with mortgages in times of hardship, so I will gather what I need, and call them tomorrow to see if anything can be done to help.

I had a lot of errands to run afterwards, and it seemed to take forever. Between that and chores, I had about 10 minutes to myself until I had to pick my daughter up from school. I pick her up as a walker, and wouldn't you know it, a horrible thunderstorm passed through, the kind with tons of thunder & lightning. It was too late in the day to change my daughter's status leaving school from a walker to a car rider, so we braved it, and I got soaked. I also found my daughter outgrew her rain boots, so I'll have to go shopping for a new pair tomorrow.

I don't really know what my mood is like. So-so I guess. I've been too busy to think beyond the next errand or chore which is maybe good when things are so stressful. I haven't had any down time once I got my daughter up for school until now.

I sent you 2 messages.

Anxiety out the wazoo. I thought all day, "ok, this evening I will make that (terrifying) phone call". But now that it's come to it, I can't do it. Ok, maybe spill my guts here. Response? Total anxiety.

I am so afraid. There is a part of me that is brave, but it is held back by inconvienient reality (including and especially lack of $). So I'm mired in it and that is a VERY uncomfortable place to be.

I truly do not know what to do.

just going through them otions today.

can't really think of any good reason why I should be here

[zijax]

I was driving my bf, now husband, home from an addiction recovery meeting one day last Feb. He had lost his license a year before due to a dui. I had a full blown panic attack while driving the car. I pulled over and calmed down but was still skaky. I asked him to drive us home even though he had no license. He speeded and got a ticket and another court date, which was yesterday.

We hired an atty. and said he could get him a prayer for judgement. We brought a paper from my Dr. stating I had frequent panic attacks. We got letters from his sponsor and from the meeting stating we were both in recovery etc.

The judge could not get over the fact that he was driving under a revoked license AND speeding so he took his license away for another year. I've been doing all the driving since I met him in Feb. 2017. It was a blow to both of us.

We have a lot to be grateful for and we are focussing on that and letting go of the other. Life is not easy for any one of us. We all struggle and the struggle is real. But staying down about something I have no control over is a waste of energy. Plus I'm lucky, my husband never barks at me for driving badly like my ex. I'm grateful he is kind to me. I'm also not gonna coulda, woulda, shoulda all over myself. Honestly , it wasn't the first time he drove the car.

Originally Posted by zijax

We have a lot to be grateful for and we are focussing on that and letting go of the other. Life is not easy for any one of us. We all struggle and the struggle is real. But staying down about something I have no control over is a waste of energy. Plus I'm lucky, my husband never barks at me for driving badly like my ex. I'm grateful he is kind to me. I'm also not gonna coulda, woulda, shoulda all over myself. Honestly , it wasn't the first time he drove the car.

This paragraph is gold. Bad stuff happens. To all of us. No one escapes pain, regardless of how their life appears to outsiders. You have to be really mature and strong to get to a point where you say what you wrote here.

[Blueberrybook]

My husband took my daughter to the birthday party yesterday, and I am glad he did. Apparently the birthday girl has become a closer friend than I realized, and I don't really know her beyond she's in my daughter's class. They stayed until the place closed. I would NOT have done well in a place that is basically a Chuck E. Cheese but with horrible food (even the pizza) no one wearing a costume.

It was really generous of him to go, considering his school sent him to unpaid GT (gifted & talented) teacher training today. But, it's in his contract, he has to do these things, give up Saturdays for unpaid teacher training if that's what the school wants. And tomorrow he is going to have to work at home on grading, so he basically won't get a weekend. Then, as it would happen, his school is having an open house on Tuesday, so he will have to stay late again as it really wouldn't be worth it to drive home, stay for 45 minutes or so, and drive back to the school for the Open House.

So he gave up a weekend for our daughter to go to that party, though he said it was a bit awkward. The friend is completely bilingual, but her mother only speaks Spanish, and her father has limited English. I think my husband may have known another parent there from other kid birthday parties and conversed with the other parents, but I would not have done well in that situation and would have wanted to leave the instant the cake & presents were done. Going to kid birthday parties just stresses me out. I am not good in social situations.

So even though H has a limited understanding of MI, he does understand me and knows I don't like last minute changes, especially not doing something that would stress me out.

This morning, I did OK on the running. I promised H to keep it to a more normal time for people who jog for exercise even though I would have had time (and the inclination) to run longer before he had to leave for training. We talked, and he told me he is getting concerned about me getting too thin, that I do not and should not lose any more weight, that he knows I know I need to gain weight, and that he is going to try to help, and we do have an adolescent daughter, and she is impressionable. I would never have dreamed with her quirky personality that she would worry about looks or weight, and I still think she doesn't worry about weight, but I do see her holding her hair in different styles and checking them out in the mirror, putting in a ponytail or pigtails or a headband, things she would not have been doing a year ago.

Though she doesn't get the hair styling thing from me. I've had it short for years, ever since I got it cut a mall salon by an Asian woman who did not speak English well and gave me a pixie cut instead of a bob. Well, that was a total shocker. I kept trying to communicate that she was cutting off more than I wanted, but that didn't work, and the other worker was just blow drying away and not paying a bit of attention to her non-English speaking hair stylist. Finally I gave up, figured it's just hair, it will grow back. My daughter didn't even recognize me at first; she had just turned 2 at the time, and it was a drastic & shocking change. But eventually, I got to like it, it was easier to care for, faster to dry. So now I always get it cut short.

All in all it's been a calm somewhat pleasant few days. Unlike you, Blueberrybook, my hubby's been home. He has a lot of vacation left so took Thursday and yesterday off. He did it because I hadn't been well. It has helped. Hope your hubby gets a break after next Tuesday, Blueberrybook.

At this moment I feel a little unwell like I did much of last week. When I'm moving around, even just cooking a lot or running errands, I sweat and feel light-headed. I think it has something to do with me stopping my small dose of Ativan almost two weeks ago. I'm not sure if it's some very minor withdrawal and/or just blips of anxiety I hadn't had much of for a while. I think it's anxiety. Even just pushing myself more than usual likely brings it on, but I'm determined not to take Ativan again unless it's desperately needed prn.

[scatterbrained04]

Well, it's going to be raining all day. Rain always makes me feel depressed. Burst into tears this morning. Not like me. And I'm not even in a depressive episode per say. I don't know why I'm so affected. It's so stupid. Does it have something to do with SAD?

Trying to distract myself from having a total crummy day. Went to World Market with my son--one of our favorite things to do. My son got Japanese rice candy and a butterscotch soda. I love German stuff, and since it's Oktoberfest time there was a good amount of it. I got some salami sticks (my son stole half) and Spezi (cola with orange). Right now my 13yo son is concocting some sort of lunch in the kitchen. Homeade french fries and some odd sauce for them. Later perhaps I'll read as a distraction if my concentration holds out. I love to read but haven't really done so for quite awhile. I've had the same unfinished book sitting for months.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Well, it's going to be raining all day. Rain always makes me feel depressed. Burst into tears this morning. Not like me. And Later perhaps I'll read as a distraction if my concentration holds out. I love to read but haven't really done so for quite awhile. I've had the same unfinished book sitting for months.

What’s made your day so crummy? Just the rain or something else? It sounds like you did have fun with your son, so why is the day so bad?

I have the same problems with books and reading. I love to read but can’t concentrate to read lately. Also can’t concentrate on daily things unless I do them right away. Like I will be folding clothes, putting them away and thinking I need to get the trash out before the trash truck comes, and by the time I finish with the laundry, I forget about the trash. Pdoc says it could be situational and anxiety but did bump my Adderall up a tad. I seem to be focusing better, but I am not sure. It has only been a few days, and the past week has sucked so much, I had 3 super long (like 2 hours or longer) panic attacks. The panic attacks were all before I saw the pdoc and the med change, so I don’t know. Just anxiety, I suppose. I am glad I was actually able to read some yesterday, not a super challenging book but still...

[Scooter9]

I tried half a pill of Modafinil yesterday with no effect.

So I got up this morning and took a full one. Still no effect after two hours, so I took another half. I'm still not sure whether there's any effect at all.

The literature around says the starting dose is 200mg for various disorders (shift work, narcolepsy, etc), but nothing is said about depression. My pdoc says I can take up to 200mg, so I'm going to try that tomorrow.

I'm still feeling low and withdrawn.

My pharmacist says it can take 2-4 weeks before I might see any effect with regards to depression, but I'm hopeful in the short term at least that Modafinil will help me stick with a task even if I'm not motivated. Lack of motivation has been the biggest problem besides the depression.

I'm headed to Niagara Falls tomorrow for a day trip with my wife, mother-in-law, and relative who is in a wheelchair (she's been in a wheelchair for 2 months now so is still new to it).

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

All in all it's been a calm somewhat pleasant few days. Unlike you, Blueberrybook, my hubby's been home. He has a lot of vacation left so took Thursday and yesterday off. He did it because I hadn't been well. It has helped. Hope your hubby gets a break after next Tuesday, Blueberrybook.

At this moment I feel a little unwell like I did much of last week. When I'm moving around, even just cooking a lot or running errands, I sweat and feel light-headed. I think it has something to do with me stopping my small dose of Ativan almost two weeks ago. I'm not sure if it's some very minor withdrawal and/or just blips of anxiety I hadn't had much of for a while. I think it's anxiety. Even just pushing myself more than usual likely brings it on, but I'm determined not to take Ativan again unless it's desperately needed prn.

It’s nice of your hubby to take off work. My husband’s sick days accumulate, but often he really has to use them because he is sick or because his car broke down or because I had emergency surgery. And he tends to take half days (usually mornings) off. My daughter’s class always has a Latin heritage dance (she is in a dual language program, English and Spanish), and each year they study a Spanish speaking country and do a dance to a song native to that country or territory (in the case of Puerto Rico). And they tend to have semester rewards in the morning too, as well as the spelling bee (top 25 spellers in grades ranging from 3 - 5) which I hate going to because it is just so nerve-wracking and intense. Our daughter got into the school level spelling bee both in 3rd and 4th grades, so it is likely to happen again this year. Stuff like that. Sometimes he takes a sick day because of pure exhaustion. I have had it hard, but he has too with all the financial issues, and his mother passed away December 28 after a long lung illness. She was already in hospice at home, but I don’t think he expected her to pass so soon (though I felt she would because she was just so sick). I don’t think he’s had the time to mourn her yet, and he had a good relationship with her. She was a very good person; I got lucky in not getting horrid in-laws.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I tried half a pill of Modafinil yesterday with no effect.

So I got up this morning and took a full one. Still no effect after two hours, so I took another half. I'm still not sure whether there's any effect at all.

The literature around says the starting dose is 200mg for various disorders (shift work, narcolepsy, etc), but nothing is said about depression. My pdoc says I can take up to 200mg, so I'm going to try that tomorrow.

I'm still feeling low and withdrawn.

My pharmacist says it can take 2-4 weeks before I might see any effect with regards to depression, but I'm hopeful in the short term at least that Modafinil will help me stick with a task even if I'm not motivated. Lack of motivation has been the biggest problem besides the depression.

I'm headed to Niagara Falls tomorrow for a day trip with my wife, mother-in-law, and relative who is in a wheelchair (she's been in a wheelchair for 2 months now so is still new to it).

It may take some fiddling with dose to find the right one for Modafinal.

I hope you enjoy your trip to Niagara Falls!
My best to you and to your family,


WC

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I tried half a pill of Modafinil yesterday with no effect.

So I got up this morning and took a full one. Still no effect after two hours, so I took another half. I'm still not sure whether there's any effect at all.

The literature around says the starting dose is 200mg for various disorders (shift work, narcolepsy, etc), but nothing is said about depression. My pdoc says I can take up to 200mg, so I'm going to try that tomorrow.

I'm still feeling low and withdrawn.

My pharmacist says it can take 2-4 weeks before I might see any effect with regards to depression, but I'm hopeful in the short term at least that Modafinil will help me stick with a task even if I'm not motivated. Lack of motivation has been the biggest problem besides the depression.

I'm headed to Niagara Falls tomorrow for a day trip with my wife, mother-in-law, and relative who is in a wheelchair (she's been in a wheelchair for 2 months now so is still new to it).

Sorry the new med hasn’t worked yet, but the pharmacist is right; these meds can take awhile to work, some of them 6 weeks or so. You can’t expect much after a couple dosages. Did your pdoc say to go up on it so quickly like that? Like no effect after 1-2 doses, go up? That seems a bit fast to me especially for a med treating depression.

Lucky you going to Niagara Falls. It’s a beautiful place. I have been there, but my husband and daughter have not. Maybe one day we finally will get to take a trip there as a family, though I went right after college; you didn’t need a passport to go between Canada and the US, maybe a driver’s license, something like that since the view is so much better on the Canadian side.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Sorry the new med hasn’t worked yet, but the pharmacist is right; these meds can take awhile to work, some of them 6 weeks or so. You can’t expect much after a couple dosages. Did your pdoc say to go up on it so quickly like that? Like no effect after 1-2 doses, go up? That seems a bit fast to me especially for a med treating depression.

Lucky you going to Niagara Falls. It’s a beautiful place. I have been there, but my husband and daughter have not. Maybe one day we finally will get to take a trip there as a family, though I went right after college; you didn’t need a passport to go between Canada and the US, maybe a driver’s license, something like that since the view is so much better on the Canadian side.

Modafinil works in about an hour - it's sort of a stimulant. So I should feel something if it's working at all.

My pdoc said I can increase the dosage after a week, but I've grown impatient. She said my target dose is 200mg (2 pills) so I'm just skipping ahead to that right away instead of waiting for 5 more days. It's not like Lamictal where you have to be super careful and titrate to your target dose really slowly.

I'm so tired of this depression I am looking for anything that will give me a boost. For a while I even considered vaping and getting lots and lots of coffee, just to bump me out of this rut I've been in for the past 10 months.

Niagara Falls is just a two-hour drive away from me and I go at least four times each year (once per season). You need a passport these days to cross the border (at least we Canadians do, to cross to the US side).

I've been to the US side many times and like the parks there, although I agree with you that the view is better from the Canadian side. But it's amazing how close you can get to the falls on the US side!

[Moose72]

Judo: great. I made everybody laugh. But... I got really dizzy after sommersaults. One sensei said to stay another said "The mats are soft..." (They're not lol)

At lunch with group. Feelin good. Took Haldol. No side effects so far.

Well, I went to get pre-approval for a mortgage loan today. I'm pretty sure my bank account will be run dry if I put down 5%. My bank doesn't do the standard 3.5% minimum. It's either 3% (with PMI), 5% (no PMI), or 20% (no PMI). Those are the only 3 numbers they do, which is absurd. I want to put down 3.5%, or at least 4% at most.

I have to get this all figured out by January 2019, because that's when I have to renew my lease at my apartment complex.

I might have to go through some other bank or something. I can't do 5%. I'll have literally $3000 left in the bank after all *required* fees are paid. That doesn't include a lawyer and then I have to buy appliances and additional furniture, as well as food. $3000 isn't going to cut it. But if I could do 3.5%, then I'm ok.

S***. I'm not sure if I should just do the 3% and pay PMI. Not a happy ending to today.

I don't think people get nearly as much time off as they should. My husband has a nice amount of vacation now, but only because he's worked at the same place for around 30 years. I do hope to get back to working some day, but MUST have sufficient time off for sickness and vacation. At my old job I managed to negotiate three weeks vacation from the start, but three weeks vacation per year to me now would seem frighteningly little. So many places only want to offer two. Though my old employer was fine about taking sick days, I know of some people who say employers give them flack about that. That would just not be workable for me.

[EmeraldTurtle]

Hello...

I have been doing so well for several months, and that made the slide I’ve been in for a couple of weeks now almost shocking. I know that a lot of it — probably all of it — is stress. I work full time (plus — probably more like 50-55 hours a week), I’m in school full time for a Master’s, I am a mom, and my dad is not doing well health-wise so I’m scared to death about that. I was handling it all until my dad went into the hospital. Now I’m starting to feel depressed and apathetic. I’m determined to keep on keeping on, but it can be so hard. It’s not bad yet — but I’m terrified of it getting bad.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I don't think people get nearly as much time off as they should. My husband has a nice amount of vacation now, but only because he's worked at the same place for around 30 years. I do hope to get back to working some day, but MUST have sufficient time off for sickness and vacation. At my old job I managed to negotiate three weeks vacation from the start, but three weeks vacation per year to me now would seem frightening little. So many places only want to offer two. Though my old employer was fine about taking sick days, I know of some people who say employers give them flack about that. That would just not be workable for me.

Definitely! And aren't there are lot of countries in Europe with longer maternity leaves and more vacation days, and the people are happier and more productive at work? At least, it seems like I often hear & read about that.

[wildflowerchild25]

I just want the magic again. The last time I was hypomanic was the best. It went on for a whole month. I got so much done. I met my boyfriend. Everything was magical. I soooo wish I could feel like that again. Nothing bothered me. I didn’t do anything too stupid so it didn’t ruin my life. I didn’t get too high. It was great.

I feel so blah now. Being unemployed for five months has really taken its toll on me. I’m so bored all the time I just sleep. I don’t have any motivation to do anything like cook or clean or go to the gym. I just sit around like a lump. And now that I probably lost the job I had I’m even more depressed thinking about starting the process again. It’s horrible. And I realize it’s not nearly as bad as what some of you are going through but I just...feel stuck.

Plus my boyfriend has become really distant. We don’t talk anymore really and we hardly ever see each other. This is because of his work schedule. He works ten to seven and then goes to the gym so he’s not home till 9:30 and by then he’s too tired to talk. Plus he has his son in the weekends so I can’t see him then. I want us to get through this but I don’t see how we can unless he commits to giving me time each day to talk to me for a little while and commits to seeing me no matter how tired he is. All we do is cuddle in bed anyway. It’s not like we go out on dates or anything. And I’m perfectly fine with that. I just wish he would talk to me more. I tried to talk to him about it but got nowhere.