[Blueberrybook]

I'm sure everyone here is sick of hearing about all my issues with CPS and such, but I was finally able to make a therapy appointment. I had filled out an appointment request form online (which did indicate she took my insurance) and did add a note saying I need therapy ASAP though I didn't explain why, and she called me actually while I was in the pdoc's waiting room She had a cancellation on Monday morning, actually. So I've got an appointment on Monday. I'm still going to get on the ED therapist's schedule when she gets back into the country because those are hard to find as nearby as she is. But I am hoping this at least shows the CPS I am making some effort, and also I do need someone to talk to as you can see by the length of my posts here.

I had a horrible, severe panic attack driving to see the pdoc though. It was one of those long lasting ones that lasted around 1.5 hr. Even though it is not easy, I do recognize all these sensations as a panic attack, not an emergency, and while not ideal, I can function at a basic level through them though I'd most like to just lie down and concentrate on breathing, but now that is not helping me much either. Usually not with driving as much as I did today, but I've been driving to that same clinic for 10 years from this house (around a 25 minute drive), and I can basically do it on autopilot, and I do not find it a stressful or panicky driving route (as driving into downtown Houston would be for me). The pdoc had not yet gotten the CPS stuff; he was very casual about it, which hopefully means in my case, he is not concerned. I also hope this indicates CPS does not feel this is a pressing, emergency case.

I was finally able to give the pdoc the state disability form to fill out. They hide that form well, and then after hours of searching, you see there are 2 different forms like maybe one was the older version the state used before. And very maddening, they indicated for the doctor to have his staff mail it in or me to pick it up and mail it in. But they gave no mailing address anywhere on the form.

I had to call the state department of health & human services, after a zillion transfers, they get me to a woman who after 10 minutes finds the form online and gives me the url. Then, she has to consult someone as to the address to mail this form to. The state of Texas makes it as hard as possible to get disability benefits, so frustrating, probably a lot of people who need help just give up on it.

I really would like to be able to have one of these state employees help me in person to fill out a mail-in copy of this form. You can do it online too, but the website will freeze in certain parts, depending on your browser or not save info that took you awhile to look up and enter, like your checking account number if you decide you need to go back to the previous page because you missed something there.

So, I find the number to the state office closest to me and call it. I get an automated message telling me my approximate wait time will be 57 minutes! I tell you. I'd show up in person there, but they'd probably just make you an appointment, then you drive home, wasting gas or as happened to me previously there, have you wait over 3 hours, talk to a official 2 minutes and have them tell you, oh, you were in the waiting line for SSDI disability, which you don't qualify for because you have not worked enough. You need to get in the wait line SSA disability or whatever it's called. I mean, really?!

It appears you might be able to make an actual appointment there should you wait out the 57 minute hold (which I didn't have time to do, they'd probably have more hold phone lines after that depending on your needs), and I wasn't even sure I picked the right number extension for what I needed as there was no speak to an agent option.

The answer will probably be no, but I'm wondering...it appears if you have a disability, you can get help filling out these forms. Now, bipolar & panic disorder are disabilities even if you can't see them outwardly, and I want to know if I can get an agent help me navigate the system based on having a disability, albeit a mental health disability not affecting my IQ.

Texas is an awful state to live in if you need social services or help. OMG.

Anyway, the pdoc agreed to fill out the form & assured me they would have a copy in my file that I could get as unofficial proof of disability, it not being the original. I hope an unofficial copy could help with getting help from other charitable sources.

Then, pdoc tells me he has offered to use his client base (only upon each person's individual signed consent) in a sleep study and if I wanted to participate. I would have to consent to his audio recording a series of questions on sleep and it would be anonymous. I felt like sleep is a big enough issue for bipolar (it's been an issue for me my whole life), so why not? I was still highly anxious so did not think to ask what the study is looking at exactly though I suspect it has something to do with how melatonin in the mix of sleep meds works since he then told me to add 10 mg melatonin to my night meds. OK, whatever helps me sleep better, I'm for it. Then, bizarrely (he did not mention this until I'd signed consent & agreed to the audio taping & taking the melatonin), he gives me a $25 Amazon gift card for agreeing to participate in the study. Which was all a little weird, but he is a very highly ranked pdoc with a 6 month waiting list, my PCP knows him & says he is a good doctor, and I really love my PCP and trust her; I have been seeing her 14 years. My old pdoc says he is a good doctor (though they were in the same practice together), but I know she would not steer me toward a pdoc she thought was a bad doctor though she'd probably have been subtle about it, saying something along the lines of his main specialties wouldn't be a good match for me.

I see the pdoc again next week on the 11th. I don't think it is related to that sleep study because initially he asked if I wanted to come back in 2 weeks and also suggested one week. Since I have hit my insurance deductible, and they are paying for everything and part of my problems right now stems from how crappy their coverage is, putting me into a lot of debt, I'm all for making them have to pay as much as they can.

Really, I got the feeling the pdoc wanted to see me not at the very end of a bad panic attack and how I'd be acting, feeling & talking then and if things were not improving for me, tweak the meds.

So I had a pretty eventful morning. I guess I made some headway, but working to even try to get disability (and likely be denied) is frustrating. But some social worker told me to keep appealing, that after about 2 or 3 appeals, chances were much better of getting financial aid from the state. Good grief! I'm just at the start of the process and sick of it already!

[*Laurie*]

I'm fine with you posting about the miserable situation you're battling through. What I find frustrating is that what I'm hearing is that you place responsibility for just about every issue you're having on some one or something else. I truly give you credit for taking charge and taking the steps you've taken these past couple of days to make appointments, etc. That said, fair or not, yours is not a special case; to the bureaucracy you have to currently be involved with, there are thousands of other people who also need help. If you have to wait on the phone for an hour, well, that's how it is. At some point in life we all have to accept that we are not a special snowflake; we're just another person in need of help. Since no one will do the work for us, part of being an adult is that we have to do the work ourselves.

Can you can be online while waiting on the phone to help the time pass? Watch something on TV? Read a book? It seems like you need to find the time to deal with what you need to deal with, because it's a top priority.

What about your husband? Where is he in all of this? Since he's also your daughter's parent, can he be more involved with your care because doing so would ultimately benefit your daughter?

I'm just tossing some of my thoughts out there. btw, have you considered that doing a sleep study at this time might not be the best idea, considering everything you're going through?

[yellow_fleurs]

I think that's great you got a therapist appointment sooner. You seem like you could really use the support right now and I think it's a good move since you've been struggling. I am also going to take the step I think and find a therapist or get a referral from my pdoc tomorrow. I felt frustrated as well with lack of success with previous times trying therapy, but figure I ought to try again with maybe a different approach like DBT. Panic and anxiety make everything seem harder, and I find it difficult to get things done in these states. Sorry you are experiencing that right now. It is understandable when under so much stress. One step at a time, though, don't forget to breathe, and hopefully you will see your way out of this mess soon. If you can develop coping skills for the future with therapy may help you in the long run. I am sure you know this, but try to do the little things you can for self care like sleep (if you can), maybe read a book, take a hot shower. Hope you get some good rest tonight.

[Polibeth]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm fine with you posting about the miserable situation you're battling through. What I find frustrating is that what I'm hearing is that you place responsibility for just about every issue you're having on some one or something else. I truly give you credit for taking charge and taking the steps you've taken these past couple of days to make appointments, etc. That said, fair or not, yours is not a special case; to the bureaucracy you have to currently be involved with, there are thousands of other people who also need help. If you have to wait on the phone for an hour, well, that's how it is. At some point in life we all have to accept that we are not a special snowflake; we're just another person in need of help. Since no one will do the work for us, part of being an adult is that we have to do the work ourselves.

Can you can be online while waiting on the phone to help the time pass? Watch something on TV? Read a book? It seems like you need to find the time to deal with what you need to deal with, because it's a top priority.

What about your husband? Where is he in all of this? Since he's also your daughter's parent, can he be more involved with your care because doing so would ultimately benefit your daughter?

I'm just tossing some of my thoughts out there. byw, have you considered that doing a sleep study at this time might not be the best idea, considering everything you're going through?

This. Every word of this. I promise you that Texas is not the hardest state to obtain social services in. Most of my extended family lives in Houston and some have needed services. It is just a matter of completing each step, one task at a time, until approved.

CPS may have additional services (or insider info on obtaining services) as well. I know it's hard but try not to think of them as the enemy - everyone has the same goal - happy, healthy children.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm confused. Are you applying for SSI or some kind of disability through the state of TX or is this proof of illness for CPS? Or all of the above? If it is SSI then your local SSA office (social security administration) will help you fill things out with an appointment. They'll tell you what to bring and then help you through it. I'm pretty sure that is a right when you apply.

[Wild Coyote]

In another thread, you'd voiced concern that people had not read this thread and had not commented.

I feel people here have put forth great efforts in responding to your numerous posts.

Your posts are many and tend to also be very long. People put in a lot of time and energy in reading and in responding.

I am sure members will continue to read and will respond as they are able to do so.

Others here also live very challenging lives.

I congratulate you on what you have done over the last day or two. You are right, this is just the beginning! I hope you can hang in there and take care of business.

My Best,

WC

[Movingon69]

I'm glad you have an earlier appointment. I hope you are able to get some help. I'm worried about you with the posts you have made the last few days.

[Victoria'smom]

You've already stated your husband makes X and that's over the poverty line. That means most likely you are not going to get SSI or other help. Though you may qualify for medicaid if your deemed disable. Getting help takes time, lots of time, I mean months and it's a continuous having to re-certify needing paperwork, ect. Hours and hours on the phone, all day appointments ect. You've started the process asking around. You're in a tight spot. Selling your house before it gets foreclosed on maybe an option. Have you called hud?

I'm glad you got an appointment with a T. Did your daughter's school ever call you back?

[Fuzzybear]

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

You've already stated your husband makes X and that's over the poverty line. That means most likely you are not going to get SSI or other help. Though you may qualify for medicaid if your deemed disable. Getting help takes time, lots of time, I mean months and it's a continuous having to re-certify needing paperwork, ect. Hours and hours on the phone, all day appointments ect. You've started the process asking around. You're in a tight spot. Selling your house before it gets foreclosed on maybe an option. Have you called hud?

I'm glad you got an appointment with a T. Did your daughter's school ever call you back?

I already tried hud. There are a few other places to try. I submitted a lot of documents online for the state site (proof of bills, residency, etc.). We calculated we never see 1/3 of what my husband officially makes in the bank, so it is no wonder things are rough, especially when you have health emergencies, big repair bills, a sky high electric bill. There's some hope that my brother-in-law in the Dallas area might be able to at least get my husband a face to face interview for an IT job. My husband is very good with computers, but he admits in his heart he wants to be a professor and do research at a university and not IT. But it might come down to him getting an IT job. It's so up in the air. If that happened, my daughter & I would probably stay here for until the school term ends; she will be finishing elementary school this year anyway, and then it might mean a move-in with my sister, though she has a huge house and eventually finding our own place to live there. Though that area of Texas is a hot growth area right now, so things are more expensive there. You can imagine if your house might get dangerous fumes should a nearby chemical plant have an issue (like our current house), it brings down the value of the house and the cost of living.

I don't know if selling or renting our house is a viable option either. This area is glutted with homes for sale or rent right now. There are 3 houses alone on my street, and I can tell you the street I live on is about 1/4 a mile long. This whole neighborhood is overflowing with rental signs and for sale signs in front of so many houses. I have actually never seen so many the entire time we've lived here (14 years).

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm fine with you posting about the miserable situation you're battling through. What I find frustrating is that what I'm hearing is that you place responsibility for just about every issue you're having on some one or something else. I truly give you credit for taking charge and taking the steps you've taken these past couple of days to make appointments, etc. That said, fair or not, yours is not a special case; to the bureaucracy you have to currently be involved with, there are thousands of other people who also need help. If you have to wait on the phone for an hour, well, that's how it is. At some point in life we all have to accept that we are not a special snowflake; we're just another person in need of help. Since no one will do the work for us, part of being an adult is that we have to do the work ourselves.

Can you can be online while waiting on the phone to help the time pass? Watch something on TV? Read a book? It seems like you need to find the time to deal with what you need to deal with, because it's a top priority.

What about your husband? Where is he in all of this? Since he's also your daughter's parent, can he be more involved with your care because doing so would ultimately benefit your daughter?

I'm just tossing some of my thoughts out there. btw, have you considered that doing a sleep study at this time might not be the best idea, considering everything you're going through?

----Yes, we have to pay our dues and make the effort to get help. However, because of my disorder, sometimes if Im having an episode I literally can't think (tho I faked my way through working for just short of 50 years) and there are plenty of people worse off than I am sitting there trying to keep it together during a long wait-addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics, you name it. There are some flaws in the system. This reminds me of the story my former recovered alcoholic partner told me about a time when he was suicidal and called Kaiser. They told him to call them back in 2 weeks. LOL We need to use the buddy system more, I think, and thank God for this forum. Right now I think of Blueberrybook as a representation of the things many of us are going through, except she is going through a lot of those things at one time, which is so often the case in life. Things tend to spiral. We'll help her through it and then she will help us.

[bizi]

thinking of you tonight.....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

----Yes, we have to pay our dues and make the effort to get help. However, because of my disorder, sometimes if Im having an episode I literally can't think (tho I faked my way through working for just short of 50 years) and there are plenty of people worse off than I am sitting there trying to keep it together during a long wait-addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics, you name it. There are some flaws in the system. This reminds me of the story my former recovered alcoholic partner told me about a time when he was suicidal and called Kaiser. They told him to call them back in 2 weeks. LOL We need to use the buddy system more, I think, and thank God for this forum. Right now I think of Blueberrybook as a representation of the things many of us are going through, except she is going through a lot of those things at one time, which is so often the case in life. Things tend to spiral. We'll help her through it and then she will help us.

As is often the case in my life, my communication has been misunderstood.

The system is enormously flawed. Because the system is so unfair, so impersonal, and so flawed, anyone who doesn't get in there and fight for their rights will almost surely be dropped through the cracks. Like I've pointed out in some other posts on this subject, I've worked on and off in social services for decades. The workers do care, it's not that they don't. But each one can only handle so much and the system is totally overloaded and underfunded (I won't even get started on that one). To put it simply, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease". It's wrong, it's pathetic, it's infuriating, but I've very much been on both sides of the game, and it's true.


I feel like if I don't tell bbb that, if I just give her platitudes and assure her that everything will be fine if she doesn't pursue her rights, I'd be lying to her. If a friend lied to me, I wouldn't consider that person a very decent friend.

I've sat on hold on the phone more times than I can count to fight for medicaid, welfare benefits, whatever. Geez, back in the '70's and '80's I sat in welfare offices for hours (three, four), waiting to be seen. And the workers back then were neither kind nor caring. Fortunately, that part of the whole thing has improved...better education and awareness of mental illness and stigma has, for example, improved the attitudes of social service workers.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Believe it or not, I was trying my best to be helpful.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm confused. Are you applying for SSI or some kind of disability through the state of TX or is this proof of illness for CPS? Or all of the above? If it is SSI then your local SSA office (social security administration) will help you fill things out with an appointment. They'll tell you what to bring and then help you through it. I'm pretty sure that is a right when you apply.

I will be trying SSI, but it is a lot of work. They have an online application they encourage you to submit which requires a lot of work, and we did have SSDI through my husband once when he was on unemployment 6 months and then no income except a few checks from his parents (which we did report) while he was studying to get certification as a teacher. I don't know what it is like in other states, but the unemployment agency int TX waives teacher certification for certain approved teacher certification programs if you plan to teach STEM (also some other subjects like ESL, maybe special-ed, I don't remember them, just that STEM subjects are what they approach most unemployed people in my husband's situation with, since he worked in the science field and could teach science in school). In Texas, you can get work as a 1st year STEM teacher with pay before you completely finish your certification classes (you still have to be working on the certification course either in person or through computer courses throughout the school year teaching and with observation by your instructors during 1st year teaching, and you have to pass though I believe you have to pass your subject certification test in a given subject before teaching it , in my husband's case, he certified for composite science for grades 6-12, meaning he could teach any science course in grades 6-12 (later he also paid for- the certification test itself is not free - & passed the certifications to teach grades 6-12 math and 6-12 computer science), and districts often lack physics teachers because it tends to be not among the course of choice for composite science teachers, and if an opening comes up in a subject such as biology, they will ask the assistant principal in charge of science or the school principal (should they have good relationships with them) to move to subjects they'd rather prefer to teach. Sometimes, the assistant principals and principals agree because they know many 1st year teachers do use the free STEM program or a program offered in my husband's district where you get paid for teaching , at first completely, and then the first few months then after the first couple months, your paycheck lowers as they take money out for the cost of tuition, but it is still not as expensive as getting certification through college, and schools in my husband's district know there are many composite science teachers in that program they can hire for physics because the students definitely want to find a job. I believe my husband's district offers the program because many of its schools are composed mainly of high at-risk students; perhaps they get some state funding for it, I don't know. I think it may be only with the STEM, ESL, special ed, where the state unemployment agency lets the teacher waive the tuition costs completely (and only through certain colleges, not the previous one I was talking about), but I really don't know 100% how it works except that you can get your first required 1 year of teaching not by being an unpaid teacher's assistant (as students at the university level tend to do with their 4th year of college) and get paid. I know one of my brothers-in-law did it that way (he may even have to pay the university for being an unpaid teaching assistant) and then became a paid band assistant and eventually top band director of his school While basically employed with no pay, he did teach private lessons on the side (naturally, he is able to play many instruments & tutor in them), and he & my sister (while engaged) were combining incomes his first unpaid teaching year. It is less stressful I think to do it that way if you can afford it, and your parents can also help with costs of living (his parents were in that position) and helps you learn the ropes instead of jumping right in. But when my husband started the STEM thing, it was already too late to get hired to teach at most schools since it was January, and most of the teachers had signed their contract to teach at the school for 1 year and didn't break them unless in events of emergencies, pregnancies, moving (say your spouse got a job in another state or you move to be closer to family; I don't think you have to give a reason for moving too far to commute, but it lets you break a teaching contract with not repercussions. That didn't leave for man teacher hires at the time. So he had to get unemployment to put us to poverty level, and I did get the unemployment much easier. And the crazy thing was after we got the unemployment getting off most of it was easy, but it took a couple years to get off Medicaid even though we had private insurance (and yes, we used his bad s bad insurance through the school district and not Medicaid to pay medical expenses) even with repeated phone calls and form submissions about updates to our about our case to the state.

I do plan to make an appointment with the SSA office; I was just doing the online/phone things first (places where you could possibly make make appts. with less wait time on the phone to give you aid but after answering a lot of questions, found out your wouldn't qualify for aid, things like that critical care insurance of my husband's that ended up not being useful for our situation. I've been taking slow steps with it with trying to get disability. The psych ER visit did get me a referral for a mobile medical unit composed of a psychiatris & psychologist to come out, though I have no idea when and neither did anyone at the psych ER. I do feel that could be a help, and I feel my particular CPS caseworker is not out to get me and may even be able to offer me free or low cost programs in the area I didn't know about of that you need a referral to get (such as with this mobile psych unit that comes to your house). Obviously, she didn't feel my daughter was at imminent risk, or she would have removed her of me from the home and if she decided my husband ignored abuse, then send my daughter to live with relatives (such as my sisters), perhaps my husband's sister, but I doubt that, she lives out of state in California.

Over the summer, my husband was often busy with things to reduce our costs - getting rid of lawn service (but it then meant he needed to buy lawn care tools and take care of the lawn, which for some reason is easy to care for in the back yard but hard to mow in the front yard (he doesn't think I'd be strong enough to do the front, and that is the yard the HOA sees), researching & changing electric providers (our old contract was up), trying to get lower prices for our internet and basic cable TV; it was just a weird bundle that it cost less to throw in the TV than just to get plain internet), so then researching and changing internet and TV service (which the new company also again had a much lower rate the first year if you bundled either with basic cable or cell phone and my husband chose the cable route because he'd also found a cheaper cell phone service and just switched to that. Our old internet/TV contract had also just ended, so we could switch without breaking contract fees. Getting the basic cable is nice as we can DVR shows/movies, not just for ourselves but for our daughter. Of course, we can check out movies from the library, though our branch is small, so often you have to join a wait queue to request a movie or book (occasionaly you find something on the in the library, but it will be too young or too old - R rated - for my daughter to watch) and, you have no idea when it will be your turn in the queue until the library sends you an email that your turn has come up and is being held for you.

I don't blame most people for every bad thing going on in my life though I do blame an uncle who sexually assaulted me at aged 4 or 5 as a trigger for MI and an aunt who didn't report it though she was outside hanging laundry at the time and I believe she knew about it, saying, well, he had a gun, she was frightedned (but he did leave daily for work) and then later claimed near complete amnesia of her entire 1st marriage (I guess it could happen but the timing seems suspicious and not reporting the event at the time, even if she was still young - in her early 20s, using that as an excuse too - is still no excuse, in my opinion.) I was probably 5 or close to it because it happened with my middle sister there, and she remembers parts of weird things going on while she was outside hanging laundry with my aunt and then came inside when I was shouting, so for her to remember (16 months between our ages), she was likely 3 years old, maybe 4, it depended on whether she'd had her birthday yet that year.) I didn't have the words to tell my mother what had happened afterwards; she had not told us about inappropriate touching and such at that age. I do remember my aunt washed my underwear (my sister remembers it too), and my mom remembers my aunt telling her she'd washed my underwear, that I'd had an accident and was wearing spare underwear she'd sent along for my sister, probably which was too small for me, but I don't remember entirely, and often we did fit into the same clothes sizes depending, especially shirts & dresses, maybe underwear with it having an elastic waistband. I remember being ashamed about it, and my mom did say she thought it a bit strange that I had had an accident as it had not happened in ages, but that was the first time my sister & I were babysat by that aunt with her husband present, and she thought it could have been nerves since I was anxious even as a child. My mother also says we both strongly insisted again and again we never wanted to go back there or be babysat by that aunt again (my mom's oldest sister, since this was after her 2 oldest siblings drowned swimming in a river current). We had no problem being looked after by my youngest aunt & her 1st husband (though I take it he was a womanizer & drank too much, but all the women where past the age of consent) according to my aunt's account, and it certainly was plausible. He was good around us, did things like tricks walking on his hands, and I remember he let me help my descale a large fish he caught (for some reason though I didn't like to fish (my grandfather fished a lot), I liked watching the descaling process. I have no idea why. I hated watching the process of killing and preparing chickens to eat and just never watched after the first time. He even came to my graduation and gave me a gift without being all creepy & weird about it, the way the other uncle (the one who abused me) did. It was a small town. The graduation was held in the football field, not inside the gym with limited seating because it was not raining, though it was obviously done at night because of the daytime heat and also to make it easier for parents who could not easily take off from work to attend. But the outside graduation was open to everyone in the town, from any town really as there was plenty of seating. And of course, the town had a little weekly newspaper, and since very little news occurred in my high school, I got a big write-up because of being the valedictorian (so did the salutatorian, who was a friend but my biggest competition to get valedictorian). In fact, I believe each graduating senior student also got a write up in the section of the newspaper the journal class put out. It probably went in the town's main paper for lack of much interesting news other than car accidents or someone finding an alligator in the garage or on their property and needing to call animal control. Other articles would be writeups of city council meetings, even PTA meetings, and the school lunch menu. Maybe the library got a page too; I don't remember. Just that little news happened there. It was big news even if someone got caught smoking pot, and that would go into the police writeup section along with people getting charged & found guilty of DUIs and DWIs. I think my grandparents read it mostly for the obituaries (which every person who officially had an address in that town got put into the paper for free upon death, unless the family or the person - while alive - declined the offer).

My mom was the middle sister, and the typical stereotype of the middle sister trying to be the peacemaker. So in that instance, yes, I do blame the uncle (my aunt divorced him but I don't remember how long it was after that happened) and I do blame my aunt. When you are young and have no words to tell about what happened and feel shame and guilt about it (which even grown women experience when sexually assaulted as I had the same feelings when I had a sexual assault incident occur at a massage parlor while in my 30's), you just don't want to talk about it, and you feel such shame & guilt. It's hard to talk about it right after it happens or even later (both childhood & adult abuse). And as time passed and with me being so young, I had doubts this story could have happened until as an adult near 30, I spoke with both my mom & my sister about the memories I had. My memories combined with theirs did convince me the incident actually happened & no therapist was putting it into my head, but he was dying at the time anyway, so pursuing a court case felt pointless and it was all circumstantial evidence from years ago (plus I was soon pregnant with my daughter) and with my aunt supposedly losing nearly her entire memory of her marriage, it really seemed pointless to pursue. (I did pursue the massage parlor event but it turned into a his word against my word; he didn't have a psych record, so the assistant district attorney never took it to a grand jury to pursue as he didn't feel it was worth it, and the main district attorney was dying at the time (I only found that out later in retrospect), and I had been too overdone with that that I did not have the wherewithal to pursue it, and the statute of limitations disappeared on that case after 2 years I think. The statute never expires on child molestation cases (not on murder either, probably not on various other crimes, but I'm not a lawyer or law expert).

Anyway, I did just go to the local place for a paper SSA application, but had difficulties finding all the documents they needed as our bills were in a mess for 6, 7, maybe 8 years. But we could get SSA because my husband's unemployment was not much and also because he was going to school at the time for the teacher certification (which while tuition was waived things like textbooks were not). It was easier because less paperwork was needed, and it was stuff I could find - driver's licenses, birth certificates, social security cards, evidence of my husband's schooling. That was another thing my husband did this past summer; organized the bills & paperwork (a huge job, taking weeks), throwing out old files we no longer needed (taking them to be shredded first, of course). By this summer, it had accumulated to more of a mess dating back 10 years because he started teaching 3 years ago and hadn't gotten it under control yet. So now I can find the relevant paperwork much more easily, the latest utility bills, medical bills, copies of tax forms, and while working on it, he also scanned many of the files into his computer, also making them easier to find. I do plan to approach SSA in person (this time with an appointment; the first time I did not have an appointment and didn't realize it would be best prudent to get an appointment first, sat around hours for my turn, and then found out I had been in the SSDI queue the entire time. I hadn't even realized there was a difference between SSDI and SSA at the time; I hadn't really studied much about it. But I was given a paper copy to mail in, and for me, that was also easier than computer submission because the state's site can act weird on certain browsers (completely freeze the computer, happened both on my computer & my husband's, using different web browsers), or it wouldn't retain tedious info to look up to answer like checking account numbers or my husband's address & telephone work number, which I don't have memorized. So I think paper might be a better choice for me.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by luvyrself

----Yes, we have to pay our dues and make the effort to get help. However, because of my disorder, sometimes if Im having an episode I literally can't think (tho I faked my way through working for just short of 50 years) and there are plenty of people worse off than I am sitting there trying to keep it together during a long wait-addicts, alcoholics, schizophrenics, you name it. There are some flaws in the system. This reminds me of the story my former recovered alcoholic partner told me about a time when he was suicidal and called Kaiser. They told him to call them back in 2 weeks. LOL We need to use the buddy system more, I think, and thank God for this forum. Right now I think of Blueberrybook as a representation of the things many of us are going through, except she is going through a lot of those things at one time, which is so often the case in life. Things tend to spiral. We'll help her through it and then she will help us.

For me, I couldn't fake work. I have a Master's degree which makes it difficult to get lower stress jobs. At my last job attempt, I couldn't remember the math numbers to run PCR gels. And I was supposed to sex and wean baby mice from their mothers. If you don't sex them fast enough, they start reproducing and expensive experiments get ruined. Also, I was supposed to be able to tell when a female mouse is pregnant (pretty much from the beginning; there is a method to do this, but you have to be very good at it), tag baby mice, etc. (and while some people are very good working with mice experimentation, I was not). I did better with transporting the cages and even killing the mice, (sorry animal lovers; mice experimentation just is part of science). I had nightmares of overproducing mice wrecking costly experiments as I was working for a very prominent person. The last straw was when I had to get training and learn to use a super expensive instrument very few places in the area even had, and you could mess it up easily. Now, in grad school, I could do this with things like a French press and even got tasked with training new people how to use a French press (which is also expensive, only one in my whole science department, and can easily be damaged). But my last job, I had so much mice anxiety and panic, I couldn't sleep and when I did, I had nightmares about messing up mice experiementation, it nearly drove me into the hospital. That work is not the type of work you can fake and get away with.

Faking that job was just not an option.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

For me, I couldn't fake work......

I totally understand that. I have never been able to fake work, either. The most I could manage was very few hours part-time work, along with volunteering...but I've always worked with people who also have mental illness or who understand it and didn't expect more than I was able to give. For example, allowing me to work a night shift 3 times/week because no way have I ever been able to be at a job that starts in the morning. Meds make that impossible.

It seems to me that people who have a mental illness and cannot "fake" work are exactly the people who are eligible for SSDI.

A few years ago a pdoc suggested partial hospitalization, I was in agreement. Then he told me that the program started at 8:30 a.m. !!! I said, "How can you expect people who are on meds to show up that early?" I still don't understand that.