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  #251  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 12:13 AM
Anonymous41462
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Nervous about my doctor's appointment on Thursday when i will ask for some Wellbutrin as my depression has intensified and i'm tired of toughing it out. My doctor is new to me as my old one retired. He's a young doc so i'm not sure if he will prescribe psych meds as fearlessly as my old doc did. He's just a GP. I sure don't want to have to wait for a psychiatrist. That's endless. Well, it's up to him. All i can do is tell him how i feel and ask for an anti-depressant. Thing is, i'm not suicidal so it's just moderate depression and i don't know if he'll agree that an anti-depression is warranted. I did contact lawyers about euthanasia tho. I guess that's pretty serious.
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  #252  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 12:21 AM
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I hope your new doc will listen deeply and will help you.
I am a bit concerned that you have looked into euthanasia.
Are you safe?

WC
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  #253  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 03:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Wild Coyote View Post
I hope your new doc will listen deeply and will help you.
I am a bit concerned that you have looked into euthanasia.
Are you safe?

WC

Thanks for your support and concern. I'm safe as i have attempted suicide eight times and will not risk another botched attempt and the chaos and frenzy in the aftermath. Euthanasia would require the law to be changed (Canada) as it is not currently available for reasons of mental illness so it would be a long, federal legal case and i'm probably not up to the challenge. So, yes, i'm safe.
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  #254  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 05:08 AM
Anonymous35014
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I need to relax, so I'm going to buy some adult coloring books and some coloring pencils on Amazon today. Haven't colored since losing my coloring books during my move.

Any suggestions on which coloring book(s) you guys like the most? I used to have some movie ones.
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  #255  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 07:42 AM
Anonymous46341
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whatever, this may anger you, but unless you're a very old person, and likely not even then, the idea of euthanasia for bipolar disorder is not only disturbing, but pisses me off. You obviously need serious help not only from a psychiatrist, but a therapist, likely in a hospital.

Possible trigger:


I have to say that these euthanasia posts are an extremely bad idea to have on a forum, especially in regards to mental illness. Such posts would be banned on another bipolar support group I was a member of.

I care about you and others suffering from mental illness very much. When I hear of suicidal talk, which euthanasia qualifies for, I wish I could drag the person to a hospital by reaching into my computer and pulling them out. I kept quiet in these euthanasia posts before, but couldn't take it anymore. This talk does harm to others, not to mention yourself.

Last edited by Anonymous46341; Oct 03, 2018 at 08:03 AM.
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  #256  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 07:51 AM
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I messed up this morning. I got frustrated and angry at my daughter, causing her to be mad and me to panic. I took her to school anxious/panicky, and I could tell she was still mad when I dropped her off. I am such a bad mom I just didn't think she could need to use the bathroom so close in time (5 minutes), and she locked the door (she never does). I freaked out thinking she was locking me out on purpose & refusing to get ready for school because when I woke her, she was flapping her hands, and I forgot what that meant. Sometimes she signals things like a sore throat, etc., and I couldn't remember. Apparently, the hand flapping just means her hands are asleep, but I forgot, and that made her mad. I am feeling so guilty & bad, I'm worthless, and I suck as a mom I really hate myself.

I told her I was sorry lots of times, but I don't think she forgave me at all even though I told her I messed up and I just couldn't undo what was already done...sigh.
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Last edited by Blueberrybook; Oct 03, 2018 at 08:13 AM.
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  #257  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 08:03 AM
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Extra for those who are sick. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
It's good to see some folks posting who haven't in awhile. Thanks!

Well, things continue to be good (except one person at work getting on my nerves, but hey, breathe, right? ). Ex is very regretful of actions leading to my breaking up with him, and that's good to hear, but doesn't change anything. I'm very happy with my new life, even if it hasn't enrirely started yet (stlll need to finish getting him out of the old place, so that's taking a bunch of my time --yeah, yeah, I know, but I want my deposit back and to get this done in a timely manner). It's actually been really good getting a chance to talk about various things that chipped away at me for years. They've been bottled up a LONG time.

That's what's going on over here.
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  #258  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 09:18 AM
Anonymous35014
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Innerzone View Post
Extra for those who are sick. I hope you get to feeling better soon.
It's good to see some folks posting who haven't in awhile. Thanks!

Well, things continue to be good (except one person at work getting on my nerves, but hey, breathe, right? ). Ex is very regretful of actions leading to my breaking up with him, and that's good to hear, but doesn't change anything. I'm very happy with my new life, even if it hasn't enrirely started yet (stlll need to finish getting him out of the old place, so that's taking a bunch of my time --yeah, yeah, I know, but I want my deposit back and to get this done in a timely manner). It's actually been really good getting a chance to talk about various things that chipped away at me for years. They've been bottled up a LONG time.

That's what's going on over here.
Sorry for the long response! But I don't blame you for saying it "doesn't change anything." It sounds like he was abusive a good chunk of the time. I don't know if he was physically or emotionally abusive, but using your bank account etc to pay for porn and hook up with women is one form of abuse. (My grandfather, from 5 years before he died up until his death, used my GRANDMA'S bank account to pay for clothes, makeup, etc. for other women. He also used it to buy moonshine when he used up all his money. And well, my grandma had dementia, so she didn't understand until we caught him ourselves. )

I don't mean to be offensive at all when I say this, because I want to be helpful, but in my experience, a lot of people are "regretful" only when it's too late. That's how my grandfather was. I don't think he would have been so sorry if he didn't get caught, because he did it for at least 5 years, possibly more. He wasn't sorry the entire time he did it, but suddenly he was "sorry" once he was caught. Maybe your bf is different, though. Just giving you something to consider if you ultimately decide to get back together.

But, for giving ourselves closure, sometimes (but not always) the best thing we can do is forgive but not forget. If we cling onto the abusive behavior etc. (and believe me, I was abused myself), it only drags us down and hurts us further. I'm not saying it is an easy road to travel at all, because even things severe like PTSD and severe C-PTSD take years and years to overcome, if at all, but when we are finally ready to give ourselves closure -- perhaps through years and years of therapy? -- we, for the most part, find ourselves at peace. We may have flareups from PTSD or C-PTSD, but we must work to find closure somehow, however that may be, even if it doesn't involve forgiving.

I know some people here will disagree, but for me personally, forgiving helps give me some closure. Sometimes people do very stupid, careless, or innocent things without thinking, which is why I forgive them. But if forgiving is too difficult, perhaps because someone did something so evil, we should consider finding ways to release that frustration and anger.

My grandfather was possibly also responsible for my grandma's early death. He ignored doctors' suggestions to get her evaluated for "possibly dementia." He ignored it for years (since 1999) and hid all the paperwork from her because he thought they were wrong and a bunch of money grabbers. (We found all this paperwork after my grandfather's death when cleaning out their house.) Then only when my grandma "lost it," in his words, did he tell us to do something about it. (And yeah, he told US to deal with it, not him. Nice, right?) We could have possibly extended her life by a few years if she could have taken Aricept (which is a med that slows down brain degradation due to dementia and alzheimer's). By the time she started taking Aricept, though, it was too late. Wasn't effective.

At the time, it f***ing pissed me off that he would do that, and I felt that way for a while after my grandma's fast decline, but the best I could do was forgive him for his asshole behavior because he obviously didn't realize what a terrible thing he had done. I know that he would have NEVER wanted her to die an early death, so I call that ignorance and stupidity. I know I sound angry right now, but I'm currently just expressing my feelings at the time. But I've forgiven him for his stupidity, selfishness, carelessness, and ignorance. That's what it really was. It was not evil behavior; he just thought he knew better when he obviously didn't. Though again, if you have PTSD, your form of closure may be different.
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  #259  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 02:35 PM
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I had a good first day at work but I found out my brother in law died today. He was in a horrific accident a week ago and just died today from complications. This, on top of my father in law’s terminal cancer, has devastated my husband’s side of the family. I know exactly what my BILs fiancé is going through. The funeral will be hard for me, especially if they hold it at the same place my husband’s was, which is entirely likely. But it won’t be nearly has hard for me as the rest of the family. I’m so saddened for them. How could they have this much loss in such a short amount of time? I feel terrible.

Still anxious about my drug test too.
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  #260  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 02:40 PM
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Wildflower, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard this has to be for you and the family. So much loss in such a small time.

Have you been taking cold meds? It looks like that can give a false positive for PCP.
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  #261  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 03:08 PM
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OMG, now we have a leak under the kitchen sink. Life can hardly get any better...
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  #262  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 03:09 PM
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Well, I had every reason to be anxious about the trip/event, but things actually went very smoothly. Visited with family, but now they are gone and I'm feeling a bit of sadness. Not too bad though. Trying to keep busy and attempting Inktober, even though I'm no artist or not feeling particularly artistic of late. I'm using it as therapy. trying not to think of perfection and just doodling.

Speaking of doodling or relaxing...the coloring book thing-I enjoyed mandala books. Lost mine in the chaos of visitors this summer though. Sigh They're not exactly cheap either! Oh well. Maybe it will still turn up.

I can't seem to keep up with posts here, but I read a few when I can. For those that want them and/or for posts I miss or that are pages behind that you won't likely see - HUGS!
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  #263  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 03:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueberrybook View Post
OMG, now we have a leak under the kitchen sink. Life can hardly get any better...
we can't run water on the right side of our kitchen sink because it leaks. Husband tried fixing it to no avail. He plans to try again, but it's frustrating when you don't know the problem. It really is! Hope you have more luck than us! Hope one day ours gets fixed too!
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  #264  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 05:40 PM
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H looked at it, and it was what I suspected. Our garbage disposal is leaking and needs to be replaced, which he cannot do until the weekend especially as things easily go wrong working on plumbing under old sinks. So for now, we will have to put a bucket under the sink. It leaks whenever we run water in either side of the sink and the dishwasher too. Not sure what will happen with the washing machine, it connects to that water line too. But it is clearly leaking from right under the garbage disposal. I guess at least it’s not a sewage backup from the washing machine. Lost a lot of cleaning stuff under the sink, so bucket we go. It is less gross than sewage leakage but only just, all that old food rotting. Gross...
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  #265  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 07:21 PM
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Omg. I just cant. A veritable deluge of paperwork due dates and deadlines and raised rent by $200. F..uck me.
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  #266  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 08:53 PM
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Wild

So sorry so much is happening at once the family will go through hell for sometime

I do hope for your sake a different funeral home is used.

Don’t worry about that drug test , if anything “ pops” the lab will call and ask if you have a legal script which they call pharmacy to verify and nothing is told to employer. Unless it’s street drugs of course.

Glad your first day went well !!!!

Many ’s
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  #267  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 09:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I need to relax, so I'm going to buy some adult coloring books and some coloring pencils on Amazon today. Haven't colored since losing my coloring books during my move.

Any suggestions on which coloring book(s) you guys like the most? I used to have some movie ones.
I have some adult coloring books.

This is my favorite because it's funny! Amazon.com: Calm the ***** Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring Book (9781522864745): Sasha O'Hara: Books
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  #268  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 09:05 PM
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My daughter’s phone went kaput on her and she’s traveling to a rural area. Long story short, I’m letting her borrow mine for a few days (now that’s definitely love for my child because my phone is like an appendage to me) until we get her another one. Just wanted to explain why I won’t be on for a couple of days.

Best wishes and lots of hugs in the meantime.
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  #269  
Old Oct 03, 2018, 10:52 PM
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Saw my pdoc today. She confirmed what I suspected - mixed episode yet again.
Have had to increase my Seroquel. Hopefully that will stop the noise in my head. If it doesn’t I will need to increase my Epilim, which I really don’t want to do. My eyelashes fell out last time it was increased.
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  #270  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 01:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
I had a good first day at work but I found out my brother in law died today. He was in a horrific accident a week ago and just died today from complications. This, on top of my father in law’s terminal cancer, has devastated my husband’s side of the family. I know exactly what my BILs fiancé is going through. The funeral will be hard for me, especially if they hold it at the same place my husband’s was, which is entirely likely. But it won’t be nearly has hard for me as the rest of the family. I’m so saddened for them. How could they have this much loss in such a short amount of time? I feel terrible.

Still anxious about my drug test too.
I am so very sorry for your loss!

I hope your drug test will ultimately turn out just fine.

Thinking of you.

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  #271  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookyl View Post
Saw my pdoc today. She confirmed what I suspected - mixed episode yet again.
Have had to increase my Seroquel. Hopefully that will stop the noise in my head. If it doesn’t I will need to increase my Epilim, which I really don’t want to do. My eyelashes fell out last time it was increased.
I am sorry you are going through a mixed episode again.
I hope the Seroquel is helpful and things quiet down for you.


WC
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  #272  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 01:48 AM
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Originally Posted by MsSchadenfreude View Post
I have some adult coloring books.

This is my favorite because it's funny! Amazon.com: Calm the ***** Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring Book (9781522864745): Sasha O'Hara: Books
I have never seen a coloring book like this! Thanks for sharing.

At the local university health center offices, they have mandalas clipped to clipboards and they supply the colored pencils, too. Patients can color while they wait for their appointment or procedure. It's so relaxing!


WC
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  #273  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 05:58 AM
Anonymous35014
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsSchadenfreude View Post
I have some adult coloring books.

This is my favorite because it's funny! Amazon.com: Calm the ***** Down: An Irreverent Adult Coloring Book (9781522864745): Sasha O'Hara: Books
Awesome! Thanks!
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  #274  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 06:17 AM
Anonymous35014
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I don't know what's wrong with me. Hyper and agitated at the same time. Kept tossing and turning in my sleep, waking up every hour on the hour (literally) with bad dreams. But I've been hyper and agitated for a while now, so it wasn't the dreams... But anyway,

One dream was about my grandma who recently passed away on August 6th. While I would not consider it a "nightmare," it just made me sad after I woke up because in the dream, she had a happy face, was laughing, and enjoying herself at what would have been her 83rd birthday party. She was eating ice cream and cake, and got a lot of wonderful presents that literally made her the happiest she's ever been since the death of my grandpa in 2016. She had no dementia anymore (she was cured somehow with the latest advancements in medicine). It nearly made me cry when I woke up and makes me feel that way now, because she could have lived a lot longer if my grandpa had listened to her doctors.

But for those who don't know, my grandma's official cause of death is dementia. Her vitals were low on the morning of August 6th and then she died about 3-4 hours after her vitals went low, but with the comfort of my dad, sister, and mom. I didn't go because it would have bothered me. But I did get to say goodbye to her over the phone about 30 mins before her death, so that was nice. My mom never cries (I can't remember the last time she did?), but she bawled her eyes out during my grandma's last moments even though it was her mother-in-law.

It just sucks that I had a dream that imagined what her life would have been like if it continued, how happy she would have been if we could've done something about the dementia, instead of seeing her suffering for many, many months up until her death. But when she was in IP for AP changes, the IP dr did say she had 6 months to live, so he wasn't wrong.
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  #275  
Old Oct 04, 2018, 08:12 AM
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Wild Coyote Wild Coyote is offline
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Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I don't know what's wrong with me. Hyper and agitated at the same time. Kept tossing and turning in my sleep, waking up every hour on the hour (literally) with bad dreams. But I've been hyper and agitated for a while now, so it wasn't the dreams... But anyway,

One dream was about my grandma who recently passed away on August 6th. While I would not consider it a "nightmare," it just made me sad after I woke up because in the dream, she had a happy face, was laughing, and enjoying herself at what would have been her 83rd birthday party. She was eating ice cream and cake, and got a lot of wonderful presents that literally made her the happiest she's ever been since the death of my grandpa in 2016. She had no dementia anymore (she was cured somehow with the latest advancements in medicine). It nearly made me cry when I woke up and makes me feel that way now, because she could have lived a lot longer if my grandpa had listened to her doctors.

But for those who don't know, my grandma's official cause of death is dementia. Her vitals were low on the morning of August 6th and then she died about 3-4 hours after her vitals went low, but with the comfort of my dad, sister, and mom. I didn't go because it would have bothered me. But I did get to say goodbye to her over the phone about 30 mins before her death, so that was nice. My mom never cries (I can't remember the last time she did?), but she bawled her eyes out during my grandma's last moments even though it was her mother-in-law.

It just sucks that I had a dream that imagined what her life would have been like if it continued, how happy she would have been if we could've done something about the dementia, instead of seeing her suffering for many, many months up until her death. But when she was in IP for AP changes, the IP dr did say she had 6 months to live, so he wasn't wrong.
It would be really wonderful if we could somehow intervene and could save our loved ones from suffering... and/or from dying.
I know you loved your grandma. You must miss her. My grandma died several years ago and I still miss her terribly.

Thinking of you, Blue.

WC
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