[cashart10]

...hopefully not a million more. I seriously don’t know what the **** I am supposed to do. My mind is burning like fire, my chest is bursting with sun beams, and all I can do is sit here and type and listen to the same damn song over and over again. My mind, my mind, my mind, my mind, y mind, my mind.........I don’t know what to do how to shut the **** up. I don’t ****ing know what to do? Can I cut the veil? Can I leave earth? Can I crawl into another world? Can I swallow the sky and float like a cloud? How high can I jump until it’s called flying? How hard can I swing until my arms take flight? I’m not here folks. I’m not ****ing here. I’m in another ****ing universe. My mind has evolved in a short period of time and nothing else can catch up. Nothing can function. Nothing can breathe. I don’t ****ing know how to breThe.

[cashart10]

I am watching my daughter dance...spinning in circles and I can see right through her. It’s like she is floating in my mind. Do my kids need to sleep?

[cashart10]

And, I feel frantic. Like I need to go go go go go go. But my husband says I can’t leave. He says he doesn’t even want me to tell him that I want to go for a drive because it makes him nervous.

[cashart10]

Am I a mom? What makes me a mom? How am I raising 3 kids if I can’t see past tomorrow? Why are they mine? Should they be mine?

[Guiness187055]

Can you call your Pdoc? How soon can you get in? Have you had a med change lately?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Can you call your Pdoc? How soon can you get in? Have you had a med change lately?

I just talked to her a few hours ago. I think my mind has disappeared about 90% more in just the time since I talked to her. I feel like someone has pressed fast forward on a vhs tape. She is out of the office until next thurs but I have her cell phone. The on call doc had me taking klonapin since last night and my own pdoc is having me continue that and increasing my seroquel from 400 to 600 MG. I have to work on Monday. I’ve held my job down for a year and a half. I’m a teachers aid and am about to work on my teaching degree again. It won’t take much. I can’t afford this. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know that after the klonapin settles in, the anxiety will subside but I know I will still be on a god damn maglev.

[cashart10]

Everything around me is still. Not moving at all. My daughter stopped dancing. She’s watching tv. And I don’t know what time to put her to bed. I know it’s past her bedtime. But she is learning. It is hard to sleep. It is hard. And my oldest daughter? She is also still. Watching the same tv. And she will probably stay awake all night with me. Because she likes staying up late. But it’s past her bed time. And I don’t know what my son is doing. But, I’m trying very much to focus on them sitting. I’m typing more and more. And I’m pacing more and more and I’m calculating not cool but clever. Brilliant. I was never a scientist but my mind can do amazing things.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry you are going through this.
Don't hesitate to call your pdoc's cell number.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

WC

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am sorry you are going through this.
Don't hesitate to call your pdoc's cell number.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

WC

I agree if you aren't feeling better tomorrow call your Pdoc. Maybe she can adjust meds more. Hopefully your increase in meds now will do the trick. I would also try some grounding techniques. Hope you feel better soon and don't be afraid to keep posting.

[cashart10]

I need back up. I need company. I need to be inspired. - Ani Difranco

[cashart10]

I’m all alone right now. I mean, I have my kids and my husband but I have so many ****ing words to say that would only upset them and would be over their head anyway. I worry that my mouth could catch on fire if I speak some of my thoughts. The Bible warms us to always be prepared for his coming. But my thoughts are not prepared. They are from another planet. I need someone to come and twist all of this energy out of me. I need someone to suck out the perversion and abandonment. I need to walk a straight line...one without faults ring. You know, Nes Years Eve, I drank 5 glasses of wine, a glass of champagne and a jack and coke. It had no effect on me. None. And I haven’t drank so much as a sip of wine in probably 2 years before then. I should have been on the floor. Adrenaline? I don’t think I am going to die.

[cashart10]

I have once before experienced Heaven. The true, perfect euphoria that you can only experience in Heaven. Maybe if I don’t sleep My mind can be high enough to experience heaven again. Right now I am chill. My body is in a sitting position and my insides are smiling so big that you can see the energy and warmth from around the block. My mind, my mind. Oh my mind. Is like a precious jewel. It is refined and it is growing. I wish that my brain could only take the pen from my hand.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Sleep is important. Try to sleep. Not sleeping will only make it worse.

[cashart10]

My body and my energy are undulating. My husband is sleeping soundly. My head will never sleep again.

I don't know your relationship with your spouse, but one suggestion I can offer is to hug him tightly. If you are suffering, let him know. Maybe he can help you through this by massaging your back and talking to you softly. Did you take your evening medications?

[Wander]

I know how you feel is profoundly intoxicating in the way your mind and emotions reach revelations and realms that seem out of touch usually (sorry if my explanation is a bit off), but it is ONLY a result of a change in your brain chemistry. As others have suggested it it crucial that you continue to be in contact with your, and the on call, pdoc as often as needed. This will help you function better and be able to continue with your work and studies. Maybe it is best you stay home this weekend to rest and recover, and most importantly, stay safe.

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and a fantastic mother and wife. We are all here to support you so keep posting if you need to communicate.

[cashart10]

Thank you all so much! I laid down and was able to sleep. Unfortunately, I’m already awake. I’ve learned what happens when one runs on one hour of sleep. At least at this moment I feel a little less crazy. I think I’m going to work on organizing the kitchen cabinets, something I’ve intended to do for a while, and that will at least make me feel a little more grounded.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm glad you slept a little. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe more sleep will come.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I don't know your relationship with your spouse, but one suggestion I can offer is to hug him tightly. If you are suffering, let him know. Maybe he can help you through this by massaging your back and talking to you softly. Did you take your evening medications?

He does know my state of mind. He checked on me numerous times today, took care of dinner and was very loving at the end of the day. I know he would gladly hug and hold me but it would be very selfish of me to ask because he has to wake up at 4 AM to work.

I took my evening meds a while ago.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I don't know your relationship with your spouse, but one suggestion I can offer is to hug him tightly. If you are suffering, let him know. Maybe he can help you through this by massaging your back and talking to you softly. Did you take your evening medications?

Originally Posted by Wander

I know how you feel is profoundly intoxicating in the way your mind and emotions reach revelations and realms that seem out of touch usually (sorry if my explanation is a bit off), but it is ONLY a result of a change in your Braine thoughtful wo chemistry. As others have suggested it it crucial that you continue to be in contact with your, and the on call, pdoc as often as needed. This will help you function better and be able to continue with your work and studies. Maybe it is best you stay home this weekend to rest and recover, and most importantly, stay safe.

You are a beautiful, intelligent woman and a fantastic mother and wife. We are all here to support you so keep posting if you need to communicate.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words.