[cashart10]

It’s inexplicable. I seriously am a person who has anxiety only when manic, depressed, or under truly pressing stress. Otherwise I am generally anxiety free. Even my t would tell you that.

Today I was w/my t and my anxiety hit about a 10. I told her I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor and that I wanted to cry. We talked about it, did quite a bit of havening but I left with quite a bit of anxiety. We discussed the fact that leaving her office 2 weeks ago is when I first felt panic that was the first visual symptom of mania so maybe that caused the anxiety. But, I’ve still had loads of it. And I’ve had it a lot lately. And, (si trigger)

Possible trigger:

tonight I feel like carving things into my skin.

I don’t want to tell my husband. Should I call my pdoc tomorrow? She’s out of the office again this week and won’t be back until Monday. Should I schedule an emergency appointment for when she gets back? I can take klonapin. Should I? Did I just think I was better and really am not? I’m not sure. At least I am sleeping. Someone please help me because my stomach is in knots and I just don’t know how much more I can take right now. I hope tomorrow will be better. I am about to turn on some music and try to sleep.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I would take the klonopin and make an appointment for next week.

I think anxiety can be separate from mania. I don't know why you are anxious but it sounds like anxiety, not mood disturbance. Do you have any symptoms of mood elevation?

Definitely tell your husband if you are at risk of cutting. In that case call your pdoc on her cell.

[cashart10]

Thank you for responding so quickly. My mind is not sharp right now. Maybe dysphoria? It’s likely the tears are anxiety but I rarely cry unless I’m very, very depressed and I feel like I could ugly cry. I seriously don’t know of a time when this uncontrolllable, painful anxiety didn’t accompany something. Have you ever wanted to be in your t or pdoc arms? Like just have them hold you? I realize that may not be normal but that is exactly how I am feeling. I wish I was with one of them right now.

[Guiness187055]

I agree with beyond the rainbow. I suffer from debilitating anxiety so I know what you are going through. Hopefully the klonopin can help until you can get in to see your pdoc.

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I do think you should tell your husband if you might hurt yourself.

And if it's still bad in the morning, call your doctor. Maybe you can get an emergency phone session or something.

[Wander]

It must be horrible to feel that way. I agree, take the Clonazepam, it's made to treat anxiety, and contact your pdoc tp get an appointment just in case this doesn't pass quickly. Can you also contact your T to explain it's getting worse? Perhaps he/she will have some more ideas. This may be a type of come down from the mania you experienced. I don't know. It will pass. Hang in there and keep us posted.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you for responding so quickly. My mind is not sharp right now. Maybe dysphoria? It’s likely the tears are anxiety but I rarely cry unless I’m very, very depressed and I feel like I could ugly cry. I seriously don’t know of a time when this uncontrolllable, painful anxiety didn’t accompany something. Have you ever wanted to be in your t or pdoc arms? Like just have them hold you? I realize that may not be normal but that is exactly how I am feeling. I wish I was with one of them right now.

My pdoc hugs me every time I see her. Frankly I can't wait for the hug on Monday after everything I'm going through right now. She'll hug me while I cry as well and oh do I need that.

It could be dysphoria but could it be that you feel anxious and teary from anxiety and that is making you question your mood symptoms? I know I feel like my moods are everywhere right now and that I could qualify for depression but it's not depression, it's grief. But to me the symptoms of grief are frighteningly like depression. Does that even make sense? It does in my head but I'm not sure it does written out.

[cashart10]

Thank you all for responses. I will call her in the morning and let you guys know how I am feeling. I took the klonapin and now I’m actually going to focus on sleep if I can.

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

My pdoc hugs me every time I see her. Frankly I can't wait for the hug on Monday after everything I'm going through right now. She'll hug me while I cry as well and oh do I need that.

It could be dysphoria but could it be that you feel anxious and teary from anxiety and that is making you question your mood symptoms? I know I feel like my moods are everywhere right now and that I could qualify for depression but it's not depression, it's grief. But to me the symptoms of grief are frighteningly like depression. Does that even make sense? It does in my head but I'm not sure it does written out.

Since I was gone so long, I haven’t heard what happened but I am very sorry you are experiencing grief! I wish I could give you a real hug!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

My father who I haven't seen in 20 years had a severe stroke and is dying. They're waiting for paperwork to take him off life support, probably later this week. I'm going to see him to say goodbye tomorrow. And there's a whole mess of siblings and communication and difficulty planning. It's a mess.

It felt like a real hug!

Anxiety any better yet?

[cashart10]

I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I pray for your comfort and peace as you walk through this.

[cashart10]

I am at work and I’m feeling better but still anxious. I talked w/my pdoc office and because she’s been out of the office so much, her first available appt is Feb 11th. I left a msg on her vm though so I’m pretty confident she will work me in as she has in the past. Either way, she will be calling me back tonight I am sure. I hope this quickly passes as, at least in the evening, it feels quite unmanageable.

[MJLouise]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

My father who I haven't seen in 20 years had a severe stroke and is dying. They're waiting for paperwork to take him off life support, probably later this week. I'm going to see him to say goodbye tomorrow. And there's a whole mess of siblings and communication and difficulty planning. It's a mess.

It felt like a real hug!

Anxiety any better yet?

Oh no/ I’m so sorry that’s aweful I just went through this. My dad had s subarachnoid aneurysm which burst stroked and caused a huge hemmorage. Surgeons fixed best they could plugging the spots or what ever they do. but he had vasospassims then a second stroke and was going to be permanently severely brain damaged with s tube in his neck and one in his stomach. The second stroke did too much damage. We took him off all life support and a sat and held his hand till he passed. This was in November. Did you have to sign the Do not resuscitate paperwork? I did it was aweful. I’m not going to be ok for a long time. I hope your siblings are at least supporting each other even if communication is bad. It’s just so hard. I was actually really glad I had started medication again right before hand.

Hope your ok. How old is your dad? Mine was 69 but our family lives to 80’s-100’s normally. I was not prepared. No one ever is I guess.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by MJLouise

Oh no/ I’m so sorry that’s aweful I just went through this. My dad had s subarachnoid aneurysm which burst stroked and caused a huge hemmorage. Surgeons fixed best they could plugging the spots or what ever they do. but he had vasospassims then a second stroke and was going to be permanently severely brain damaged with s tube in his neck and one in his stomach. The second stroke did too much damage. We took him off all life support and a sat and held his hand till he passed. This was in November. Did you have to sign the Do not resuscitate paperwork? I did it was aweful. I’m not going to be ok for a long time. I hope your siblings are at least supporting each other even if communication is bad. It’s just so hard. I was actually really glad I had started medication again right before hand.

Hope your ok. How old is your dad? Mine was 69 but our family lives to 80’s-100’s normally. I was not prepared. No one ever is I guess.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I did not have to sign the DNR as he has a state guardian, appointed before they found us.

Oddly enough my father woke up from the coma Tuesday. THe hospital didn't call; I assume they wanted me to not cancel my visit. So we visited yesterday and it was really weird. He is on a vent so can only mouth words and nobody has been able to figure out what he's saying, just that he's trying. I did think I saw "I want a drink of water" but he doesn't nod or shake his head to confirm gueseses.

They are starting rehab and hope he'll go to a nursing home eventually. He has one carotid blocked 100% and the other 85% so another stroke is probably inevitable. His heart is also in bad shape. They are getting a DNR in place so next time he won't be trached or vented or have cpr

You are so brave to have stayed with him. I'm an OT and worked in nursing homes. I've been around death many, many times but could not face that in this situation. Granted I hadn't seen him in 20 years and had no relationship which also makes a difference.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[MJLouise]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm so sorry you went through this. I did not have to sign the DNR as he has a state guardian, appointed before they found us.

Oddly enough my father woke up from the coma Tuesday. THe hospital didn't call; I assume they wanted me to not cancel my visit. So we visited yesterday and it was really weird. He is on a vent so can only mouth words and nobody has been able to figure out what he's saying, just that he's trying. I did think I saw "I want a drink of water" but he doesn't nod or shake his head to confirm gueseses.

They are starting rehab and hope he'll go to a nursing home eventually. He has one carotid blocked 100% and the other 85% so another stroke is probably inevitable. His heart is also in bad shape. They are getting a DNR in place so next time he won't be trached or vented or have cpr

You are so brave to have stayed with him. I'm an OT and worked in nursing homes. I've been around death many, many times but could not face that in this situation. Granted I hadn't seen him in 20 years and had no relationship which also makes a difference.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Glad to hear he woke up such good news. Yeah there are different types of strokes too and usually people with my dads kind die instantly but he hung on for 3 weeks till his second. Comfort Care was increasingly painful for me but I felt like if I left he would feel alone. It was very very difficult and painful but the guilt is worse and I’m glad I was there or I would have had guilt.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

avoiding anything that could cause guilt later has been the theme of my last 9 days. I'm sure it will continue although I will not have a relationship with my father. My brother and I discussed an annual visit and I think I can do that.

Sorry to see this so late, Cashart. How are you doing today?
Are you still have the triggered material happening? One time I was having a time of that and used markers and wrote on the bottom of my feet. Sounds weird, but it worked.
Hoping you are feeling better.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

How is the anxiety now Cashart? Did the med change help?

[cashart10]

Thank you both so much. I just made another post. My pdoc says the anxiety is still just part of a mood episode and said I’m experiencing rapid cycling. I haven’t experienced anything quite like this since high school.