[liveforsummer]

Sunny here but a brutal wind. Stuck indoors. That's ok I have cleaning to do.
I did what my pdoc told me to do, yday afternoon I took my .5mg clonazepam (the first time I took it at bedtime with my zopiclone which made for a disturbing night) anyway by mid afternoon yday I was struggling to stay awake watching tv then around supper I was awake and doing ok. I debated on my zopiclone at 11pm after the previous awful night but took it anyway. Well, I slept like a log and didn't wake until 5:30am (6.5 hours straight sleep wahoo!) I couldn't believe it then fell back asleep til 7. Im still so afraid of the addictive nature of this medication. I do feel somewhat groggy and foggy headed today. I'll just use it in anticipated times of unbearable anxiety. Currently off the Zoloft and not taking the lorazepam. Still On a slow taper off lamictal (which is the only thing I didn't fess up to my pdoc last week, I know I know).
Otherwise slap the smile on and away we go...bring on Monday

[Scooter9]

I bought a mug that keeps your coffee hot. It's got a battery in it and it detects when there's coffee in it and keeps it at the right temperature.

Thought I'd treat myself for my new job.

Not feeling as lonely and low today, a little better. Missing my older son though - he's working in another country and really far away for the past year.

[Daonnachd]

I met with my pdoc today which means an hour's drive each direction in pouring down rain. She's a good doc and well worth the traveling.

i've lost my ring and have no idea where it is.

was in my room last night, now it's gone

no where to be seen

it's sooo weird and I'm very depressed about it.

it's a special ring to me- I actually got it from one of my perfume bottles, and it fits my baby finger perfectly

Possible trigger:

I hit myself in the face a few times today because I was so angry about it

and upset.

[Faltering]

I went to the pdoc today and I had good news to report. I'm under a lot of stress at work but mentally I'm still doing well. My med combination seems to be working. I'm taking Latuda, Adderall, and Cytomel (thyroid med).

[Pookyl]

Wildflower Child I’m so sorry for your loss.

Unsettled. Not sleeping well.

[wildflowerchild25]

Feeling pretty low today. I thought I’d be ok with my father in law’s passing but I’m definitely not. I’m very sad. I cried a couple of tears this morning when telling my coworkers what happened but nothing major. I don’t really cry. I will cry at the funeral though, that I know.i just feel so empty inside. How could we lose someone else so soon? My brother in law just died in October. I wasn’t close with him but still. And I was close with my father in law. I just wish we had gotten a chance to say goodbye. I said goodbye over the phone but have no way of knowing if he heard me or not because atthat point he had already lost the ability to speak. I’d like to believe that he did. But I don’t know what I believe.

I’m not particularly religious so I can’t even take comfort in the fact that he’s gone to heaven. I’m not sure I even believe in heaven. My mother in law is all like well at least he’s with his two sons now but how do I know that? I really don’t think there is life after death. But I guess I can at least take comfort in the absolute fact that he is not suffering anymore. That’s true, no denying that.

I want to smoke so bad. I already smoked a pack. But I’ve heen hiding it from RS. And I feel terrible about not being honest with him. I want to quit so bad. I feel like I have no willpower. I came home and ate my feelings too. So I’m extra fat and I want to smoke.

Ugh. I hope I can prevent this from turning into an episode. I think I will feel better after I say my goodbyes at the funeral.

[hopeless2015]

I'm so sorry for your loss wildflowerchild..big hugs!!

[Wild Coyote]

I am so sorry for your loss, wildflowerchild.
Thinking of you.


WC

[Wander]

So sorry for your loss wildflower child. I wish I could fly over there and give you a big hug.

[Wander]

Yesterday was kinda busy. Hanging with my partner then going into Apple. Walked out an hour later and $450 lighter. My savings hit hard but I had little choice. My phone was dead. Gosh I hate those stores too. So white and sterile. Yesterday I was up but last night I crashed and slept 12 hours so I’m guessing that’s over. Tired still but calm and content. Off to University for the first time in a year in an hour. Feeling a bit foggy in my mind but hoping that will clear an I’ll be off to a good start.

[tecomsin]

So sorry for your loss wildflowerchild25.

[tecomsin]

It never ceases to amaze me how the world is ruled by b*llsh**ters. Does anyone else ever get this overwhelming feeling of drowning in the din made by people who only care about themselves and their own interests.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Monday; my least favorite day of the week. I had an alright Monday; work was alright lots of minor little projects like labeling everything and of course everyone including reception were thrown of since it doesn't at all feel like what they are used to; all have said the paint was one thing; this feels like a completely different office; and of course patients complained that they didn't like that or that or that and got mad that things were changed; very few were actually happy about the new things so I had to listen to nitpicking all day. One was so unhappy they threatened to not come back. Like people we told you updates were going to happen and now paint and cabinets offend you. I honestly don't understand people; they complain the have issues and don't like having to use a step to get up to the table; but the moment we make it a chair that can be controlled they flip out.

So work was so very much fun; I can only imagine the comments I will be hearing Wednesday night when everyone will be there. I am already starting to get the feeling of wanting to hide under my desk, I only hope that I will be okay like I was at the New's Year Party, take a Buspirone right before to knock out the anxiety. I am just scared of the unknown I guess; not to mention I probably feel a little testy since this project was my baby. My boss also got me a little gift for my hard work; which is a gift card to one of my favorite makeup stores. I need to go through it and reorganize some of my current makeup though.

I still cannot believe M said those words last night that he loves me. I really do love him and it is just so nice to be dating an actual adult who has his crap in order and doesn't expect me to be his mommy. We are equals and I can't remember the last relationship where being equals was a thing; maybe my very first relationship with S all those years ago.

Hugs to everyone

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I got out of bed and into real clothes for the first time since I got really sick a little over a week ago. I saw my therapist who thought I was doing well aside from fatigue and not feeling well. I also saw my pdoc who didn't exactly say she thought I was depressed but I know she did. I was so tired by the time I saw her (and worried about my Charlie cat who has sores in his mouth and I think is in pain; we go to the vet tomorrow) and I'm sure I did seem flat and low energy plus I got all confused between clozapine and clonazepam because I didn't listen carefully. So not my best visit ever but I truly think it's just not feeling well. On the other hand my pdoc is rarely wrong about what is going on; she has intuition that is kind of scary. So I guess we'll see (and these are my assumptions; had she been worried she'd have been more direct about depression).

I'm home now and am snuggled up in bed watching videos on Youtube. I'm really tired but am trying to make it to midnight to do another breathing treatment. I didn't do one this morning and really needed one by the time I got home. At least I can sleep late tomorrow before the vet appointment.

[~Christina]

Slept for a L o n g time. Must have needed it. UPS came today so there big truck make it through , I dunno about my car making it. Maybe I’ll just floor it and sling mud all over my car! lol we shall see I just don’t want to get stuck in “ it” I’ll take my muck boots along Incase I do get stuck.

Winter is returning sadly enough.... a week of 64-68 and all the rain now back to freezing? We survived the monsoon !!! winter should be done with.

This is the time of year I start to wobble pretty bad so I’m sitting up and taking notice so I can head off any nonsense , I refuse to wind up IP.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Hello everyone and happy Monday; my least favorite day of the week. I had an alright Monday; work was alright lots of minor little projects like labeling everything and of course everyone including reception were thrown of since it doesn't at all feel like what they are used to; all have said the paint was one thing; this feels like a completely different office; and of course patients complained that they didn't like that or that or that and got mad that things were changed; very few were actually happy about the new things so I had to listen to nitpicking all day. One was so unhappy they threatened to not come back. Like people we told you updates were going to happen and now paint and cabinets offend you. I honestly don't understand people; they complain the have issues and don't like having to use a step to get up to the table; but the moment we make it a chair that can be controlled they flip out.


So work was so very much fun; I can only imagine the comments I will be hearing Wednesday night when everyone will be there. I am already starting to get the feeling of wanting to hide under my desk, I only hope that I will be okay like I was at the New's Year Party, take a Buspirone right before to knock out the anxiety. I am just scared of the unknown I guess; not to mention I probably feel a little testy since this project was my baby. My boss also got me a little gift for my hard work; which is a gift card to one of my favorite makeup stores. I need to go through it and reorganize some of my current makeup though.


I still cannot believe M said those words last night that he loves me. I really do love him and it is just so nice to be dating an actual adult who has his crap in order and doesn't expect me to be his mommy. We are equals and I can't remember the last relationship where being equals was a thing; maybe my very first relationship with S all those years ago.


Hugs to everyone

I’m so happy to see you thriving so well ! What a change for you !!’

Job wise you were hired to do referrals and now so fast your up to co running the office !!! You must be so proud and having M and it going so wonderfully. You have made a huge change in your life. Be proud , be very proud of yourself.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m so happy to see you thriving so well ! What a change for you !!’

Job wise you were hired to do referrals and now so fast your up to co running the office !!! You must be so proud and having M and it going so wonderfully. You have made a huge change in your life. Be proud , be very proud of yourself.

I know right; my mental health is good; my Cardio got me fixed with a medication that has lowered it into the 90's and stopped my more scary symptoms.

I was hired to do referrals but when I told my boss that I was in the process of getting my Bachelor's in Healthcare Administration she's like how does becoming Assistant Practice Manager sound so you get can get some actual hands on experience and the role just kind of expanded from there. I still deal with the referrals but I also have a receptionist that helps with that as well since some days I am so busy dealing with management duties. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity my boss has given me. She has said multiple times that I am not under her; but rather she sees me as her equal.

I do feel proud of all that I have managed to accomplish since this last time last year I was in a depressing job that just drained the life out of me; and now I actually want to wake up for work and I like going to work. Thank you for your very sweet comment. I feel very proud of myself and I feel so lucky to have M and such great friends here.

I'm glad you hear that your rain has stopped and that your dogs are happy to get out again. I'm sorry that your driveway is still flooded.

[Wander]

Just got back from university. My brain had de-fuzzed so clear thinking. The unit looks really interesting. Children Youth and Global Media. I’m going to be watching a lot of TV and analysing it. Could be worse.

There are a lot of assessments. Three long essays and an hour quiz. This is on top of my other unit. Just hope I can maintain good health and nail these units. I know I’ll have down, tired days, I just hope they stay mild. Today I’m upbeat but I think it’s excitement. Have to watch the hypomania though as that was the precursor to my last psychotic mixed state. Still, I’m confident I will successfully get through the semester.

[jacky8807]

I have to catch up with everyone and see how everyone is. As i posted i was fired from the night shift job i was working. It was doing a number on me. I was pretty badly depressed but also going through some periods of brain ****ery for lack of a better term lol. No full blown psychosis but just weird/dark/kooky brain. I found old celexa 40 mg and starting taking it when i was fired. I havent been seeing pdoc but plan to make appointment. The celexa is helping but def lack of sleep and a few other warning signs so im watching out since im taking the celexa alone. Anyway im happy to be here and catch up!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

I have to catch up with everyone and see how everyone is. As i posted i was fired from the night shift job i was working. It was doing a number on me. I was pretty badly depressed but also going through some periods of brain ****ery for lack of a better term lol. No full blown psychosis but just weird/dark/kooky brain. I found old celexa 40 mg and starting taking it when i was fired. I havent been seeing pdoc but plan to make appointment. The celexa is helping but def lack of sleep and a few other warning signs so im watching out since im taking the celexa alone. Anyway im happy to be here and catch up!

Good seeing you. I hope you can get an appt soon and then things leveled out

[scatterbrained04]

Haven't been posting much lately but have been lurking. I'm doing fairly well as of late. Depression seems to be leaving me alone for once. Haven't been up to much. Lots going on at work. Just trying not to let the stress get to me too much. It's a struggle. I wish my sleep was better. Can't seem to sleep later than 3 or 4am. Every weekend I end up napping a bunch to catch up on sleep. It's been going on for a year now though.

"should we call 9-1-1?"
"No, we can't afford that"
just part of a dream I had last night which is funny because it's true. Thought I'd share.
I want off my meds again. My cholesterol+triglycerides are high but I'm on some other meds that could be causing that but it might be the zyprexa. I just want to feel again. I want to see the sunrise at the beach, not sleep 12-14 hours a day. Trileptal doesn't even do anything for me so I don't understand why I take it. I'm sick of the weight gain too.
I'll compromise. I'll try and see what stopping trileptal and lowering the zyprexa will do at first. Maybe that's all I need.

TheSeaCat, I'm happy to read that your heart rate is lower. I know what a relief that is as I, too, used to experience tachycardia. Your job certainly sounds like it's going well.

Wander, your topic of study sounds very interesting and quite important given this day and age!

scatterbrained, I hope your sleep improves. I am glad all else is well.

spikes, I know how frustrating high cholesterol and triglycerides are. A med change helped my triglycerides, but not my cholesterol. It's odd, the one that clearly affected my triglycerides was weight neutral. I do know that diet/exercise can help both, but I know how tough they can be.

Hubby is home sick again, and sleeping the morning away. I guess he needs it.

It's sunny today, and just below freezing. I have therapy at 2 pm. Other than that, not much going on.