[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I feel completely dead inside. Today was SO hard. I could barely convince myself to go to work. I only did because I actually like this job and don’t want to get fired. I can’t imagine making it through the next two days. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I tried to take a nap but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just laid in bed and then got up and ate my feelings again. I’m just getting fatter and fatter and it’s not helping but I can’t concentrate on dieting right now so **** it.


I wish I could cry. I know I’ll be crying my eyes out at the funeral but so far I haven’t cried at all except for a tear or two on Monday. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to cry. I’ve always been this way. When my dad died I only cried for like a minute or two after mom told me and then not again for years. I cry out of frustration and sometimes when I’m severely depressed. I cried a lot when my husband died but even then it was only for a month or two then it ceased. I don’t know what my problem is.


Well RS is on his way to comfort me. I feel bad relying on him so much when we just started dating three months ago. Of course we all though my father in law would have more time. We didn’t know it would be five months.


Sigh. At least I showered. I don’t know when the last time I showered was. I think Saturday but I’m not sure. I’ve been washing my hair but I need to wash my *** too lol.


Saturday is going to suck.

Try and go easy on yourself. His passing is bringing back the lost of your husband and BIL.

It’s ok to not WANT to go to work but as you mentioned you like this job. You have the strength to manage it, even when you don’t think so. You are much stronger than you can imagine.

Maybe try and focus how this will effect your son , he’s certainly old enough to have problems. My daughter lost my father at age 6 and she was very aware what losing him meant , them she lost my mom at 11.
Lost her great grandmother at age 8 all huge losses, I just made sure she knew to talk to me. Which she did thankfully.

I’m so glad you have RS In your life. He sounds like a wonderful man.

Hang in there hun

[yellow_fleurs]

What I am telling myself after feeling terrible last night: What I did in the past was not always right, sometimes it was clearly morally wrong. I see it now, which means I have changed and have a better perspective. I am strong enough to live with the guilt and know I am flawed, but also know I am different and can make better choices now.

Also, made a green Thai curry from a frozen bag tonight. I was not in the mood to get fancy with cooking after last nights mishaps. It's pretty good, I am happy with it.

[yellow_fleurs]

wildflowerchild25 I am so sorry for this tough time right now. I am sending you lots of compassion. I am glad you have someone in person who can support you like RS.

[Pookyl]

I’m so restless on the inside but presenting ‘normal’ on the outside. Maybe I just don’t have bipolar.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday; I hope everyone is doing well and had a good Wednesday. My day was on the busy side which I expected it to be with the Open House and Meet The Providers Night. Work itself was alright mostly boss and I trying to get everything in order and dealing with our usual management duties. My anxiety was acting up a little today but nothing that rearranging my Buspirone dose couldn't fix. I took my lunch/afternoon dose right before getting things set up for the event; since I couldn't exactly sneak of to my office and take that pill; so I took it before setting up and hoping for the best since that gut feeling was in full force.

The event went spectacular it was so nice that my parents were able to see how happy this job made me, and also how good I am at it. My ex bosses also showed up to of course make me uncomfortable and they said something to my boss and she spoke so proudly of me; I felt of course scared seeing them but I was alright; I could tell my resting heart rate was out of the 90's but no where near to the point it had been during my not panic attacks at best it was 115 so I could manage this adrenaline surge and actually enjoy the event which went amazing and was great for the clinic. I received high praise from the CEO and other higher ups and other practice managers of other clinics. M and doc said I handled myself well when those two showed up. My dad is proud of me and what I managed to accomplish.

I will be glad when the weekend gets here; I am so tired and it's only Wednesday. I am just glad that things should be slowing down.

Hugs to everyone

[pirilin]

La Bruja is back.
I got lost three times in Miami.
That much it has grown in five years.
Am I happy?. BIG YES.

Cheers.

today marks a bit of a milestone for me (I say a bit, this is really important for me)

today, febuary 28th 2019, marks 1 year since I've had any type of physical abuse.

I thought today would be really hard on me, because of the memories, but actually I'm okay about it

I was going to treat myself later but I don't think it's happening now (not because of mood or anything, other things out of my control)

Possible trigger:

on this very day, a year ago, someone held a knife to my throat and only let go because his phone rang and he needed to answer it.

I could have been dead then.

but I'm here

I feel fan-freaking-tastic today.

[Moose72]

Please read.

Two days ago, my 21 year old told me that he's transgender. Im having a difficult time dealing with this. Not because Im against transgender specifically- I have trans friends- but because I feel like Im losing him. Like he was diagnosed with cancer and only given a few months to live.

I have a letter he wrote me in 4th grade telling me why he loves me- he signed it. Im grateful that I have a lot of photos of him throughout his life. I am tryi g to make this NOT about me but I cant help it. Im in total shock. I fear something bad will happen to him - people dont always accept transgender people. That's putting it lightly.

I can't wrap my head around this. Its a huge loss. Of course I know that he will still be my child no matter what but I dont know this new person. He has known forever. Everyone in the family (that know so far) is in shock. My mom doent know what to think. As I said I have a friend who is transgender - but Ive only known her as a woman and she's not my child. She is however a great resource.

Nobody can take our relationship away. But I really fear for his well-being and safety. He's only 21.

All for now. Im still stunned, sad, overwhelmed, happy for him, angry... All the stages of grief rolled into one.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Please read.

Two days ago, my 21 year old told me that he's transgender. Im having a difficult time dealing with this. Not because Im against transgender specifically- I have trans friends- but because I feel like Im losing him. Like he was diagnosed with cancer and only given a few months to live.

I have a letter he wrote me in 4th grade telling me why he loves me- he signed it. Im grateful that I have a lot of photos of him throughout his life. I am tryi g to make this NOT about me but I cant help it. Im in total shock. I fear something bad will happen to him - people dont always accept transgender people. That's putting it lightly.

I can't wrap my head around this. Its a huge loss. Of course I know that he will still be my child no matter what but I dont know this new person. He has known forever. Everyone in the family (that know so far) is in shock. My mom doent know what to think. As I said I have a friend who is transgender - but Ive only known her as a woman and she's not my child. She is however a great resource.

Nobody can take our relationship away. But I really fear for his well-being and safety. He's only 21.

All for now. Im still stunned, sad, overwhelmed, happy for him, angry... All the stages of grief rolled into one.

You said you're happy for him (Is that the right pronoun to use? I'll go with it.) so I'm not telling you anything new, but I want to emphasize the importance of focusing on this stage as a step forward toward complete health.

I do understand the fear of mistreatment. I think every parent does to some extent, but my wife and I are friends and supporters of the local university's GSA (Gay Student Alliance). We have heard tales of how hard it is to be outside society's idea of gender normalcy. We have also heard of the value of allies and shed tears of joy to know that those students can still succeed despite the challenges and differences from society at large. This gives you a chance to be even more valuable to him as he continues on the path of life. ... I'm happy, too, that he felt safe enough to come out to you.

Hello Moose72, please know that your feelings are completely understandable, and I certainly believe that you do not stigmatize those that are transgender. Any major change in life or in the way we must see things/people can be a difficult adjustment. There is stress (or even grief) in the process of such transitions. And I surely understand your fear that your adult child will face extra challenges.

I am happy to read that your adult child has finally shared such an important thing about themselves to you. That was very courageous and I hope it will be the first step towards more relief for them. We all want to be true to ourselves.

Daonnachd mentioned that there are groups that lend support for people in the LGBT community. I imagine some also welcome family members. Or if such a group is not a good first step for you, I do hope that you and/or your adult child will seek support in other ways.

The last time I saw my therapist, I told her about my disappointment that the French class level I placed in only has evening classes. I really wanted daytime classes, for so many reasons, especially because I know my tendency to "drop out" of similar classes is much higher when they are at night. She suggested I consider private lessons. At first I rejected the idea because they are so expensive, but she suggested I ask if they could be provided just once every other week vs. every week. That would basically make the 10-week price the same, albeit half the number of lessons. But private lessons would probably be better focused for me, and likely yield more progress. I mentioned this to hubby, and he said the idea was good, but that I should try just one meeting first before committing to multiple meetings. I just sent the French school director an email inquiring about this. I'll see how she responds.

I have not been eating well lately. My mood (or more my energy level) has dipped down a little bit. That's a little disappointing, but it doesn't mean the dip will be long-term. As for my eating, it always becomes poor when my mood is lower. I have no motivation to make healthier meals, I snack on high carb stuff, basically...self-medicate. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Moose, that is big news to take in. It will take time to adjust. Please be gentle with yourself. Has your "kid" (21, so not really a kid, but still) shared with you what pronouns they prefer? (I like to align with a person's preferences, as I'm sure others here would like to as well.)

[Sunflower123]

Since my pdoc took me off the AD, I’m sleeping longer hours and dreaming again. It feels wonderful!

I didn’t sleep much the night before last by choice and fell asleep three times on my PT and twice at dinner with my daughter. We only visited two hours because I was worried about traveling back and falling asleep at the wheel. It was a great visit though. Seeing her again Sunday.

My brother, as you know, was IP for 7 days recently and did amazingly well for a while. The past few days though, he sleeps a lot and is short, brooding and bad tempered. He has a new psychologist that he likes a lot the he recently started seeing. Not sure what I should do at this point but wait it out to see what happens.

Broke a tooth....cracked start through due to grinding my teeth and will probably lose it. That bothers me greatly. I’ll get a night guard pronto.

Doing okay today...missing friends here on PC that are still here but inactive and those that have left.

Warm wishes to all.

[Sunflower123]

Moose, thinking of you and your son and sending supportive vibes through this time of transition and adjustment.

I went to group yesterday and didn't get a chance to talk because of some stupid ****ed up drama going on between the members. I'm still struggling but it seems to come and go, and sometimes its more depressive and sometimes its more mixed, and sometimes (rarely) I'm fine. I was even singing "I wanna be sedated" today in the car so that's making me feel like I'm not unwell at all and just making stuff up.
I need to reschedule my ECT again to next week. I find it hard to tell them if I'm struggling because its real easy for them to put me IP and Ive never really opened up before with good results. I also dont want more recent ECT considering I'm going back to work soon and I want to be able to do my job, which I cant if I'm post-ECT confused.
Oh well. Maybe itll get rescheduled again.

[Moose72]

Thanks everybody for all the positive supportive posts. It means a lot.

Just got up from lying down for 18 hours. So that means i'll only be upright for six hours today! What a life!

[Aurelius710]

Work and school. Work and school. Work and school. Only issue: work is starting to interfere with my school in a serious way. So, I had to cut back on the hours I worked, so I could focus on schoolwork. I was afraid they wouldn't do it and just fire me. Fortunately, they accommodated me. Mixed bag, having to cut back my hours like that, but with this being my last semester... I don't want to screw it up. At all.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Thursday; I hope everyone had a good Thursday. I am so ready for the weekend; and am so glad I only have one more day before I can sleep in and not do anything; I do not like working 12 days in a row at all. I don't see how anyone can work 12 days without feeling downright exhausted. Work was alright we had a very bad scary patient threaten everyone on staff including me; they had a lot to say about me and of course I do love some threats; it was so bad and I was scared for the staff that I had to call the police to escort them off the premise which let me tell you I LOVE paperwork and there is nothing quite like collecting statements from reception, nursing, the provider; and myself. It's just so much fun not to mention dealing with the issues of scared staff members.

I've worked retail I have seen the worst of it; been on the receiving end of being threatened and being wrote up for a customer's behavior while they get a gift card. So now that I am a manager I am NOT standing for abuse on any staff member; I'm just not going to appease rude behavior; I've seen it and now how bad it hurts to be the one getting in trouble for their behavior; it makes you honestly feel like a second-rate person; so the moment anyone tells me a patient is screaming and raising hell: I am dealing with it because it is one very big pet peave of mine. I will always stand up for my employees because no one stood up for me. I have the opportunity to finally protect and manage my way. I will not stand for abuse of any sort; especially from a patient and it bugs me that society is so entitled that they think they can act like children and get treated like royalty. I'm just not going to stand for it; you will be getting a termination letter from our clinic and you will be finding another doctor not apart of our company.

This was the first time I ever got scared dealing with a patient; they were that verbally abusive and they tried reaching for me; so I was scared a little shaken up after the event of dealing with them. Yes I know I handled it according to policy but still worry brain. I think the entire staff was shaken up after that incident.

Hugs to everyone

[liveforsummer]

Hi moose I feel your response to your child’s news would be considered very normal. That also took a lot of courage for your son to tell his truth. Maybe there’s a therapy group of some kind in your area that helps families navigate through these changes?
Love and safety is all we really want for our kids

[liveforsummer]

I had a horrific night followed by a sh**** day followed by a crap evening. I don’t even want to go to bed tonight as last night was so awful. I’m truly amazed how traumatizing nightmares can be. I feel like I live this whole other life of horrors while I sleep and this is with the sleeping pills that used to knock me out and wake not remembering any dreams. Pondering cbd oil...

[Wander]

Well, couldn't get to university. Drunk on Seroquel from last night. Only 50 mg but it hits me hard. I try 25 mg but can't get to sleep by at least midnight. Maybe I should just take the 25 mg and see how I go.

Anyway, as I am stuck at home at the moment I have began to listen to the entire collection of The Beatles on vinyl. In my dark mood this is making me smile. A welcome thing after feeling desperate, low and agitated last night. Terrified of getting ill again but hoping it is a small, short dip after a horror episode.

[Daonnachd]

I'm getting ECT today.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I'm getting ECT today.

I hope all goes well.