What people don’t understand...

A lot of you know much of my story. Depressed at 14, psychotic and manic at 15, all over the place until around 18. Slowly getting better from about 18-20. Then only some mild postpartum depression with my 11 year old and small episodes in hindsight. Psychotic break at 28. Completely and utterly unstable until 32. Then (minus one hiccup that my pdoc fixed within 2 months—although it was bad enough to make me lose the job I had then), completely stable between 2-3 years.

And then there is now. I’m doing SO bad. And everyone is so optimistic, you’re going to be fine. You’ll get right back there. Well, history does not suggest this. History suggests that the times I have been very sick I’ve stayed that way for at least a few years. I’m getting fmla but honestly can’t see myself going back to work. My IOP leader said to focus on today. She said I’m so far approved for 20 sessions and I’ve only used 2. My mom was saying she hopes I can go back to work after 2 weeks. I didn’t have the guts to tell her I don’t think that’s gonna be possible. Anyway, not sure what I wanted other than to rant. I’m feeling very low, despondent and defeated. 😢

The not knowing is scary.

Positive Feelings breed Positive Results

I think you should focus short term , get into the groove of IOP...

I think maybe you will be surprised how fast things improve for you.

History also shows that this pdoc is really good at helping you and you had the bad pdoc for at least some of those long episodes in the past and he just threw meds at you and hoped something would stick with no logic.

Have you done IOP before? I live too far away to be able to do it but everyone says it really helps a lot. 20 days is a long time so maybe don't think so far out.

You've done this before and you'll get through it again. I know you feel horrible right now but this will end and there is no reason to think that it will ruin everything for you. Your mom is probably being overly optimistic but that is what moms are for.

You are doing everything right. Just give it some time.

iOP is a great place to focus on this fear. Take advantage of everything iOP has to offer!
I wonder if you’re going to the one I
Went to!
Feel better

Not knowing is scary--and worrisome. I'm sorry you're struggling so.

I really think I understand where you are coming from. It must be terrifying not knowing how long, and how bad, this episode will be. Simply, you cannot know. Past experience is a definite marker that can be used, but you have grown, as has your treatment. This leaves the future uncertain again. I would love to say ‘don’t worry. You got this. It will all be back to stable real soon’, but I will not lie. You are a strong woman and you will get through this, whatever form it takes. As others have suggested, take this day by day. Have hope. Keep fighting, and whatever happens you may be amazed where life takes you.

I'm sorry you're going through this Cashart10. I wouldn't think too far into the future it will make you worry more. Focus on the short term and going to IOP. You may start to feel better sooner than you think.

one day at a time ... every morning as you wake say today will be a good day ... do not give up but live everyday as a winner ... keep negative thoughts at a distance ... and always remember ... always ... we have your back ... you are loved here and we want you to suceed .... love and peace my friend ,, Tigger

I'm so sorry, cashart10 I understand what you mean. Not knowing what will happen or how long will it last is definitely scary. You're definitely not alone in this, as this thread has already shown. Your past history can give you some hints, but remember that there's no certainty! That could be both good and bad. You're still not sure, but that also means that things could be a lot better and that this episode will be short! Life can be unpredictable. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I know you're scared, but remember that things won't stay like this forever - they can and will get better! Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you so much! This is my 3rd IOP here and I’ve done 2 (including one in high school) at another location. It has helped before at times. The extra measure of being required to get out of bed, getting dressed, and going somewhere every day certainly helps too. But, I’m still crying and still petrified of work. I know I have some time and as you guys have mentioned, I’m trying to live in the present.

Thank you! I believe it is the same one...if it’s the one where your pdoc works (or worked...not sure). I’ve been here before and know that it can be helpful. It’s tricky when the depression isn’t situational though. I guess you still can learn valuable coping skills either way.

Friends, thank you so much for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. I am trying to hope and pray for the best and live in the present. It’s all I can do! All of my love!

I'll join the overwhelming consensus and say just take one day at a time. Uncertainty is scary, no two ways about it. Though a different situation, I've got a ton of that now too. Maybe we can both try to stay in the moment and not worry too far ahead. Easier said than done, I know.

Yep that’s the one!
It’s great program.

My mom brought up a good point this morning. When I was in high school, I waited quite some time before I told anyone I was suffering and I was 14 so my hormones were all over the place. Then, at around 28, I had a psychotic break so I didn’t know I was sick and it took a while for the cracks to show through so my illness went on way too long then too. Plus, in 5 years I had 2 babies and 2 miscarriages (one very early, one at 12 weeks) so my hormones were out of whack then too. Those are the two instances that took a substantially long time for me to improve. This time, with a capable doctor, we caught and treated it early like we did last time I was sick and it only lasted a few months then. So, that does bring me some comfort.

You are also older and more experienced. You have a lot going in your favour, but it's "paint by the numbers" time. Focus on the task in front of you and accept the one after. Trust in your support team.