[elliecake]

Hello guys, this is my first post. I apologize if this is a dumb question or if I asked it in the wrong place

Is it normal to feel like you're faking your mental illness? Does anyone else worry if they're faking everything?


I'm 17, and was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 5/6. I was then later diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15 after being depressed since I was 11, then later on having a manic episode. It started out innocent, just a couple days of being happy, having more energy and sleeping a couple hours less than usual. Cleaning, being super productive. I think it was hypomania, because it wasn't intense nor did it last super long. But now, it's gotten worse. I've had 4 manic episodes during my lifetime that I can recall. The last two being the most severe. Now, it tends to last 3/4 weeks and it's just overwhelming euphoria, psychosis and irritability. Sleeping 2 hours maximum. Too much energy. I start thinking I'm a special person even though that doesn't really make sense. My mom and friends thought I was on drugs multiple times because I make no sense and look cracked out tbh. It isn't fun anymore, compared to when it first started happening. Now, I do stupid things and embarrass myself. It scares people around me. But I can't help but think if I'm just some edgy teen who can't control herself. I don't know.


Here's the thing, where I get lost. I'll go months without having a bipolar episode. I've heard stories where bipolar is constant cycling, at least at my age. I feel like either I'm faking it or I'm just not bipolar. Sometimes I definitely think I am, like right after a manic episode, I'll be super aware of it but feel guilty, like I could've controlled myself, but other times I have a hard time believing it. In fact, I've been "bipolar free" for 2 months now. So here I am, wondering if I was faking everything and could've just controlled myself. Why couldn't I have just calmed down? I don't know. I just feel stupid. I ask myself questions like, how could I be bipolar? It just seems so hard to believe. It seems so serious, and my mom isn't bipolar. However, my psychiatrist, psychologist and family seems to think my grandma is bipolar though, which I sort of agree with but idk. Also haven't met my dad, he has substance abuse and alcoholism. My grandma on that side has severe depression. But no bipolar diagnosed from what I know of. So how could I be bipolar, anyways?! Sorry for the rant. I just want to see if it's normal for me to feel this way.


TLDR: I feel like I'm faking bipolar disorder because I can be symptom free for months and I don't feel as severe as other teenagers who have the disease.

I'm really sorry if this made no sense, and for all the extra info, I'm just wondering if anyone could relate or tell me it's normal to feel this way sometimes. Thank you for any replies, anything helps!

[sarahsweets]

Bipolar is a tricky disorder. (I am BPII btw) One of the most annoying things about bipolar is that your bipolar tries to trick you into thinking you are actually normal. It tries to tell you that you arent manic, you are just happy and other people are just uptight. It tries to make you non-compliant with meds, telling you you dont need medication anymore. Then comes the depression/mania and then you remember why its an actual disorder-but this is after you have made a fool of yourself and said the wrong things. I SOOOO relate to you. I am 43 and been in "bipolar remission" for like 2 years. I had one hell of a flare up where I actually suffer with a mental fugue- and this happened at Christmas. I always take my meds, and ever since I agreed to take the proper amount of one I have had no problems. But I have been under an enormous amount of stress with the recent issue being my 22 year old son had a stroke. And if I look deep enough Christmas is probably a trigger for me and I didnt even realize it. It is so important to ask for help when you need it and accept help if you are offered it. My husband fills my pill cases. It helps him to feel like he has a part in my treatment and he always knows what I have taken or need to take. Sure I can do this myself but I am so clumsy I always drops pills and forget them. This helps me. Therapy helped me a lot. I went to therapy for like 16 years. If you are doing your best to treat bipolar with meds and therapy then keep holding on. Maybe a med change is in order and maybe its just going to happen whether you treat it or not.

elliecake, what you are experiencing is very normal for many people with bipolar disorder. It can be a normal feeling for older people, but I believe it is especially a common feeling for younger people with bipolar disorder.

I remember at 15 years old I thought I had schizophrenia, but I didn't tell anyone. Truth was, I was manic with mixed features. It was a scary time for me. People DID notice and I was sent to a therapist. Unfortunately for me, way back when therapists (and even psychiatrists) weren't as apt to diagnose bipolar in such young person. Again, they knew something was seriously not right with me, but didn't diagnose me. I guess they thought I had a situational nervous breakdown of sorts. Given that, when my mood episode did sort of subside, I thought it was over...like the flu. Though at that time I didn't think I faked it, I did think it was over and likely forever.

My mental health issues were not over at 15 years old. No. They were recurring throughout my life, but with full remissions in between (that's how bipolar can work) OR, I had milder manias into which I had no insight. Since many in my family had seen such behavior in other undiagnosed members, oddly, that kind of behavior can be "normalized" in some family. "That's the way she/he is from time to time."

But back to the feeling like you're faking your mental illness, I suppose I didn't have that precise feeling until much further down the line when I did receive a formal diagnosis, which you have. It's amazing how one CAN have multiple psychiatric hospitalizations and in between wonder such a thing as "Was I faking it?" Yes indeed! I wondered that, too. I asked myself "Am I some kind of amazing actress that can put on such an extreme behavioral front in order to...????? Escape something? Experience some really extreme experience? Goodness, I don't know!

I suppose it could be possible for some people to go to extraordinarily great lengths to put on a conscious, or even unconscious, act out of some desperation. But really, it's doubtful. Or even if it was an Oscar winning performance, doing such a thing, in my opinion, is still a dysfunctional act of sorts that needs psychiatric or therapeutic intervention.

When I was first formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I actually didn't see all of the symptoms in me. But they were definitely there. Very loud and clear! Some people struggle with insight (or it comes and goes). Others not as much. You have no idea how many bipolar forum poster have said that when they received their diagnosis they were "relieved" because it explained their behavior to them. That was not me. I rejected it vehemently at first. Then I accepted it. Then I questioned it a year down the line. Then accepted it. Then questioned. Then accepted it for good.

Now I am actually able to look back at some of my behavior from decades ago, before my diagnosis, and say "Whoa! I was manic back then!" And yet, at the time, I thought I was marvelously fine. Even normal. Well...maybe not "normal". Just "extraordinary". But definitely not in an episode of a mental illness.

As far as family histories goes, I can not say one way or another if your family members did or didn't have bipolar disorder. Perhaps your therapist or psychiatrist could speculate on that, but even they can only speculate unless they met with and interviewed them face to face. I will reiterate what I said above. In my family, bipolar type behavior almost seemed normalized, to a degree. My paternal grandmother never received (to my knowledge) a formal diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but she had periods of severe depression, periods of not sleeping, periods of extreme behavior, times when she said she saw and heard rather crazy/unlikely things, thinking she had ESP, and acting on extreme emotions triggered by these mood issues. My grandpa took her to a psychiatrist, but she wouldn't enter that doctor's office door. She had long periods of seeming perfectly normal afterwards. My dad's had the same situations, especially in terms of extreme behavior. My sister received a bipolar diagnosis after me and after her youngest son. One of my first cousins had a bipolar diagnosis.

I abused alcohol for extended periods. My dad abuses alcohol. My first cousin was/is a drug addict. Abuse of alcohol or other drugs is common in bipolar disorder, especially when you're not properly treated. It can be a red flag, but not a sure sign. Many people with addictions also go through periods when they think they can drink/drug again without it getting out of hand. It often takes a severe event to finally convince them otherwise. For some, that time never comes.

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by elliecake

Is it normal to feel like you're faking your mental illness? Does anyone else worry if they're faking everything?

I deal with that feeling all of the time during my depressive bits. It's not necessarily the depression, but how it manifests. If I'm not about to imminently... do something stupid, I'm ashamed of it. My depressive episodes (before they get really bad) manifest as neglect. Neglect of my appearance, my obligations, of sleep. Inability to get out of bed after the fact I can't sleep. How can I face everybody and say, I couldn't do A, B and C because I couldn't get out of bed and that's it. Yes, it's depression, but I sometimes can't seem to convince myself that something so small can and does screw with my life so much.

Best advice I can give is know your particular illness. Bipolar manifests slightly differently with all of us. If you can figure out how depression and mania manifest for you, you can then make a game plan for when the illness strikes and more importantly how to navigate your life with the illness. Easier said than done. I should know. I'm still working on it.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, elliecake I'm sure many people can relate to what you wrote. It is pretty common, especially for younger people, to think they're just faking it all, even though the evidence supports otherwise. You're definitely not alone in this. But if you're diagnosed with it, and you have the symptoms, then I think there's little doubt about it. Knowing your own MI is half the battle I believe, so I think it's important to be self-aware. Don't give up! Things can get better. I know it's hard to believe right now, but they don't have to stay like this forever. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Wild Coyote]

Hi elliecake,

Welcome to PC and to the Bipolar Forum!
You are just fine posting your question here! No worries.

I think we all go through some form of denial re: our diagnosis. I know I have done so. Despite many years of needing help from a pdoc, I'd recently hoped a new pdoc would tell me my diagnosis was somehow wrong!

You've gotten some great responses above. I haven't much to add without becoming redundant. lol.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please do make yourself at home here.
I hope to see you around the forums!


WC

[Blueberrybook]

For me, not with bipolar, but I often feel a fake at anorexia. I have anorexia, purging type. I don't even restrict my calories. I purge not by throwing up, but thru overexercise (then don't eat enough on purpose to compensate for the calorie deficit) and of course have all the classic ED thoughts about food & my body. But I feel like a fake at having an ED, especially anorexia, what type of anorexic doesn't try to eat less than 500, 800, at most 1000 cal/day? And I eat way more than that, hence I feel a fake all the time in that regard, so I understand a bit.

The bipolar...no, it really blossomed when I was around 25 (had signs of depression & then bipolar around 18 or 19 years old), but now, too much has happened for me to doubt it. I unfortunately only ever had one stable period (around 6 months long), otherwise I'm depressed, manic, hypomanic, or as right now and probably practically forever, mixed.

[cashart10]

I haven’t read any of the responses so pardon me if this post is redundant. I just wanted to briefly share my experience. I too was diagnosed at 15 years old due to a manic episode with psychosis (my first episode had been depression). I struggled tremendously and nearly consistently for about 4 or 5 years and then made a full recovery. I became so much better that I was convinced that I was not really bipolar and my symptoms were a combination of hormones, life situation, and exaggeration. That is until almost 8 years later when I had the most severe and longest psychotic manic episode of my life. In the past 7 years, my symptoms have been very episodic which is typical and I no longer (and I doubt will ever) question my diagnosis. What you are describing does very much sound like bipolar disorder.

[sophiebunny]

Originally Posted by elliecake

Hello guys, this is my first post. I apologize if this is a dumb question or if I asked it in the wrong place

Is it normal to feel like you're faking your mental illness? Does anyone else worry if they're faking everything?


I'm 17, and was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety at age 5/6. I was then later diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15 after being depressed since I was 11, then later on having a manic episode. It started out innocent, just a couple days of being happy, having more energy and sleeping a couple hours less than usual. Cleaning, being super productive. I think it was hypomania, because it wasn't intense nor did it last super long. But now, it's gotten worse. I've had 4 manic episodes during my lifetime that I can recall. The last two being the most severe. Now, it tends to last 3/4 weeks and it's just overwhelming euphoria, psychosis and irritability. Sleeping 2 hours maximum. Too much energy. I start thinking I'm a special person even though that doesn't really make sense. My mom and friends thought I was on drugs multiple times because I make no sense and look cracked out tbh. It isn't fun anymore, compared to when it first started happening. Now, I do stupid things and embarrass myself. It scares people around me. But I can't help but think if I'm just some edgy teen who can't control herself. I don't know.


Here's the thing, where I get lost. I'll go months without having a bipolar episode. I've heard stories where bipolar is constant cycling, at least at my age. I feel like either I'm faking it or I'm just not bipolar. Sometimes I definitely think I am, like right after a manic episode, I'll be super aware of it but feel guilty, like I could've controlled myself, but other times I have a hard time believing it. In fact, I've been "bipolar free" for 2 months now. So here I am, wondering if I was faking everything and could've just controlled myself. Why couldn't I have just calmed down? I don't know. I just feel stupid. I ask myself questions like, how could I be bipolar? It just seems so hard to believe. It seems so serious, and my mom isn't bipolar. However, my psychiatrist, psychologist and family seems to think my grandma is bipolar though, which I sort of agree with but idk. Also haven't met my dad, he has substance abuse and alcoholism. My grandma on that side has severe depression. But no bipolar diagnosed from what I know of. So how could I be bipolar, anyways?! Sorry for the rant. I just want to see if it's normal for me to feel this way.


TLDR: I feel like I'm faking bipolar disorder because I can be symptom free for months and I don't feel as severe as other teenagers who have the disease.

I'm really sorry if this made no sense, and for all the extra info, I'm just wondering if anyone could relate or tell me it's normal to feel this way sometimes. Thank you for any replies, anything helps!

I had my first manic-psychotic episode at 16. I've had bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features for 35 years. What you describe is totally normal. Bipolar disorder comes in episodes. How close together those episodes happen varies. Rapid cycling simply means the episodes are coming more frequently than is typical. The DSM IV describes rapid cycling as 4 episodes a year. There are those who believe they have episodes more frequently. Some say they have episodes every hour. I can't speak to that. I have classic bipolar 1 disorder. I have several episodes of mania or depression in a year. In between I'm symptom-free. It can feel as if you are not ill. Thats the sneaky part of the illness. It tricks you into thinking you don't need to take your meds or follow a relapse-prevention plan. Having a good psychiatrist to keep you on track and a therapist to help with relapse prevention is extremely valuable. Over the years, I have had quite a number of admissions for mania with psychosis. My longest admission was for 9 weeks. The shortest was for 2. True mania is an emergent condition that frequently needs inpatient care. Preventing relapse greatly reduces admissions.

I take lithium, lamictal, risperdal, and seroquel.

[Wander]

I feel that way too. I’m 42 and have possibly had Bipolar since I was 22. Diagnosed 5 years ago. I guess the diagnosis is hard to accept and easy to question. Be kind to yourself. I wish I had better advice for you but I’m in the same place right now.

welcome elliecake.

I think it's normal to wonder sometimes.. do I really have this?. is it really an issue? (especially on the days where you feel fine)

then it hits you like a tun of bricks and you think.... yes, yes I do.

I hope being here helps

[thecandyman]

I feel the same way elliecake

I was only just diagnosed at 25 and I keep feeling like I'm just using it as an excuse to not work my hardest. It scares me to think that I'm making it up for whatever reason and makes me feel like I'm an awful person. when I'm feeling normal it's hard to remember the times where I was catatonic and couldn't get out of bed.

Sometimes it also feels like the medication is making me worse and that because I keep thinking I don't have it or that I was misdiagnosed, I get scared that the meds are going to hurt me.

I'm sure I'll remember why I got diagnosed when I go into a depressive mood again but it is still really hard to believe you're just doing it for an excuse. I hope you start feeling better

[wiretwister]

yes I did and even used to fight with my pdoc about his dx ... with a T's help and my pdoc's patience I have finally accepted it ... I really hope either way that you reach peace about it ...

[Unrigged64072835]

Yes I’ve felt that way. Still do sometimes.

[Guiness187055]

When I am stable I feel the whole thing was made up.

[Under*Over]

I always do. Its all the mental health professionals around me who have to remind and repeatedly shake me back into recognize that what I experience probably isnt what most people experience. I still dont 100% believe it but I do feel much calmer and less scared on medication. My mood is much more stable and I dont believe so many crazy things.

I still dont 100% believe I am... well that I cant somehow just figure out a way to magically fix myself. I just cant let go of that because in some measure I really do believe that maybe Im really just... fine and everyone else is wrong. Its kinda silly sounding but too important to dismiss as being silly TO ME.

[Gabyunbound]

Actually it's common to go for long periods of time between episodes; you sound rather typical to me. My previous pdoc told me that she had 'plenty' of patients who had gone 10 years without episodes (and she specialized in BP).

So don't worry. Your episodes sound classic actually. And I certainly do not think you're faking it because you have relatively long periods of stability. Remember that this is a BP forum and therefore there may be more people more consistently ill than the general BP population (though I can't be sure of this), but it's better not to compare yourself. I'm happy for you that you've experienced periods of stability.

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

When I am stable I feel the whole thing was made up.

Me too. It makes me feel fake.

[FriendlyJoe]

Yes, I think the same way all the time. I've told myself there's no bipolar disorder. After doing my own research and talking to so many people with bipolar disorder there's definitely room to question it. 99% of diagnosed bipolar people I've talked to and met aren't anything close to how I am. I've only met one person that's like me. Before that I just assume I'm an eccentric motivated person that can conquer the world. It helped my life a lot when we became best friends. When I'm with her i feel we can conquer the world together. We both are the types that are some sort of manic 24/7.

With doctors classifying so many levels and types of one "disorder" bothers me. Its normal to question anything if it's really legit or not. I'm not the type that just goes along with some other person theory, even if agreed by a panel of doctors. I went to college with now doctors and I'll definitely will question everything and won't agree with everything they have to say.

Time to head out and own this Saturday. Have a great day everyone.

[MickeyCheeky]

How are you doing, elliecake? I hope you're doing ok. You're definitely not alone in this as this thread has already shown. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[HALLIEBETH87]

When I am
Stable
I always wonder if I’m just making this up

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I was just diagnosed less than 2 years ago. I question it all of the time when I am stable though my episodes are very close together right now. Unfortunately it leads me to go off my meds and that ends very badly reminding me that it is real.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me I was making things up. That is very hard when things already seem so unreal. It made me wonder even more what was real and what wasnt. I told my new psychiatrist that sometimes I feel like I am just making things up and that he was right and she said that he never should have said that and she understood how invalidating that was.

Its real and it can have short breaks, long breaks, it can even feel like no breaks sometimes but it is all real. Take care

[liveforsummer]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I was just diagnosed less than 2 years ago. I question it all of the time when I am stable though my episodes are very close together right now. Unfortunately it leads me to go off my meds and that ends very badly reminding me that it is real.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me I was making things up. That is very hard when things already seem so unreal. It made me wonder even more what was real and what wasnt. I told my new psychiatrist that sometimes I feel like I am just making things up and that he was right and she said that he never should have said that and she understood how invalidating that was.

Its real and it can have short breaks, long breaks, it can even feel like no breaks sometimes but it is all real. Take care

I had a similar experience. Saw my psychiatrists during severe anxiety accompanied with a depressive episode and she said I was being over dramatic. Those words stunned me. She quickly retracted but the words were out there. They have of course stuck with me and add to my self doubt about the legitimacy of my diagnoses. Am I just a fake drama queen looking for attention. Of course right now Im still dealing with bouts of the anxiety and bad sleep yet I continue to doubt the dx and have reduced my meds on my own. (I do not in any way say this is an ok thing to do, always see your doc). Unfortunately Im in a doubting stage right now. I see her next week. I know I should be truthful. ugh...

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

I had a similar experience. Saw my psychiatrists during severe anxiety accompanied with a depressive episode and she said I was being over dramatic. Those words stunned me. She quickly retracted but the words were out there. They have of course stuck with me and add to my self doubt about the legitimacy of my diagnoses. Am I just a fake drama queen looking for attention. Of course right now Im still dealing with bouts of the anxiety and bad sleep yet I continue to doubt the dx and have reduced my meds on my own. (I do not in any way say this is an ok thing to do, always see your doc). Unfortunately Im in a doubting stage right now. I see her next week. I know I should be truthful. ugh...

I hope it goes well I have been struggling lately again with this too but have managed to take my meds consistently for about a week after skipping a few nights. I have only been out of the hospital for a month, cant allow myself to go back down that road already. Its a daily battle but I hope if I can get stable long enough that I will see meds are working and want to continue. Part of my issues believing it are that the really bad episodes started at the same time as starting meds so its really hard to stop thinking that meds arent causing my symptoms.

I've never felt like I'm faking, but when stable feel like it is kind of unreal, though obviously these things did happen... But sometimes I have stretches if feeling normal. It's part of the disorder, so I just need to remember that (and not go off meds, and quickly be reminded just how real it is(!))