I'm pissed off. I've been duped.

I told my therapist I didn't think I had bipolar, and we spent the entire session (45 mins) skimming through all her notes. She said she's never seen me manic based on her notes. Yet during the previous appt, she said she saw me manic. So she lied to me. (And btw, I've been seeing her since 2016.)

I'm done with taking psych meds. **** it all. They are trying to control my brain and take my money by pretending there's something wrong with me. No one has ever seen me manic if my therapist hasn't, since I see her every 2 weeks (or every week if needed).

I'm going to give my meds up (except Ritalin) to the police station tomorrow since they do drug take backs and dispose of the meds for you in a safe manner. I'd flush them down the toilet right ******* now if it wasn't dangerous for the environment. Or if I didn't live in an apartment complex, I would ******* burn it all.

Since I have nothing wrong with me, my brain chemistry is obviously all ****** up now and permanently damaged, I bet. If I had bipolar, then the meds wouldn't damage the brain; in fact, they would HELP the brain. But no, if my therapist said she's never seen me manic, then obviously my brain is getting damaged by something I don't need. I've been lied to for 4 ******* years.

[piano97]

whoa, whoa, whoa....let's take a step back.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

Hopefully it helped to get some of that out in writing here, please continue to do that.

Could you step back and not ditch meds right away, and go thru them with someone?

I will not and can not tell you to take/not take, but please, please, step back a bit and ensure you do not cause further problems by coming off abruptly, even moreso if you are talking about more than one medication (and pretty sure you are).

If you do make that firm decision to come off, I've found that some amount of tapering is imperative, even if it's brief.

It is common to want off meds, and in some cases it's appropriate, but please consider not ditching all of them at once or without a plan for day 1, day 2, day 3, day 7, 10, etc.

What are you currently taking if you don't mind discussing?

I agree with paino97, if you go off everything all at once you will wind up very sick physically and probably emotionally. At least let your treatment team know you're quitting meds if you must. I know what it's like to be in your position and nothing will change your mind regardless of if you're bipolar or not.

I'm on rexulti, lexapro, lamictal, klonopin, and ritalin.

I want off ALL of them except ritalin.

I'm not going to tell my treatment team that I'm quitting them. I'm not going to listen to their spiel. I'm just going to do it on my own and they can go shove it.

I've gone cold turkey off rexulti before and had no problems. Maybe I actually should taper off lamictal because that one sounds dangerous to go off of cold turkey.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, bluebycicle I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Be careful. It could be dangerous for your own health. I agree that you need to taper them off one step at the time. If you ditch them all at once it could be very dangerous. Even if it went well before, it doesn't mean it will go well this time. I'd suggest to talk to your Pdoc about this and se how it goes from there. Hopefully he/she will be able to help you. If you still want to go off meds, he/she will be able to help you. Stay strong, bluebycicle. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're a wonderful person. You deserve to get better and to feel good. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[piano97]

I'm glad to hear you say that on the lamictal.

Would you be OK with holding off on making the decision for 2-3 days to ensure you are considering all factors and possibilities?

Yes, lamictal and klonopin should absolutely not be stopped suddenly. Some of that is dose-dependent, but unless you are taking very small doses, for only a short time, your body will not handle it well. In addition, in the event you would need to go back on lamictal (just being hypothetical), it will take awhile to get back to your dose, it's a patient safety thing and any doc will do it slowly per guidelines.

I understand not wanting to talk to tx team, but you might be surprised of their willingness to help you do it safely, even if they do discourage it.

These things are your decisions in the end. It's good you are talking on the board...keep doing it. Can help you sort things out and make the best decisions for yourself, whatever that may end up being.

As I said before, in my experience it's imperative to have some sort of plan for day 1, 2, 3, 7, 10, etc, perhaps even up to 30 days or longer to ensure some semblance of stability. The alternative may be hospital, for both medical and psych.

I am not knowledgable enough on lexapro and rexalti to give any insights, but in general would expect extreme rebound insomnia if you were to stop all of these 4 meds together. Please don't put your body and mind thru that without a little more time to process things

Can you share why the Ritalin is OK?

bluebicycle, you seem extremely emotionally labile. Flying off the handle quite easily. That, or your mood is not stable. My suggestion is the take some deep breaths and try to not think about your therapy visit for a while.

The advice others gave about not quitting meds cold-turkey is quite wise, even if you don't have bipolar disorder, which I don't think you still know for sure. Klonopin withdrawals are horrible. As for the rest, if you are prone to depression and/or possibly hypomania/mania, quitting meds cold turkey is like asking for disaster.

I second piano97. Why do you choose Ritalin to stay on? Do you have such extreme ADHD/ADD? Either way, staying on a stimulant when you're unsure of a mood disorder is like adding flames to a gas puddle. If you take Ritalin for only low motivation/low energy, why do you have low motivation/low energy? Probably a mood disorder of some sort. If you truly think you have nothing, then is staying on Ritalin an excuse to abuse a medication?

You really should work with your psychiatrist to make a decision on medication changes/discontinuance. By the way, is your psychiatrist a different person than your therapist? What does your psychiatrist think about your diagnosis? Maybe your therapist knows nothing. If you don't like her or trust her, or feel she misleads or confuses you, consider quitting her and finding someone better. Depending on one unreliable person for your mental health sounds dangerous.

[Victoria'smom]

What about your psychotic symptoms? I have trouble accepting my BP as BP because most of my symptoms are internal and anger VS my sisters who symptoms are external. Why did you seek treatment in the first place?

[Guiness187055]

I don't know how much Klonopin and Lamictal you are on. But I do know stopping them cold turkey at a high enough dosage opens you up to seizures. Not to mention stopping a benzo cold turkey could be pure hell. Becareful

[Nammu]

Safe landings

[Under*Over]

Really think about this. Its your decision at the end of the day but- I did something similar- stopped medication abruptly and I got really sick. Now, I am not you- but it has taken me month and a lot of pain to get even close to where I was before.

Please talk to someone before doing something impulsive because the consequences could be a lot worse than you are intending. I know that you want to be off medication but doing it yourself too quickly is really dangerous. Youll probably have really severe withdrawl symptoms and those are just awful. Save yourself a lot of pain by considering talking to someone first.

[~Christina]

At least do a taper, the meds you are on if you go cold turkey you could have seizures. That would just open a world of hell.

Please reconsider ditching them all.

[Pookyl]

I’m confused why out of all the meds you’re on, you want to hang on to Ritalin.??
Please talk to your pdoc before making a decision based on what a therapist said.
Therapists aren’t qualified to make a diagnosis. Just because s/he said you’ve never been manic isn’t necessarily the case.

[tecomsin]

Hi Blue,

You have been writing quite similar messages for awhile. If you want to stop taking all your meds except for adhd there is nothing anyone can do to stop you. Let us know how it works out for you.

[yellow_fleurs]

Did your therapist offer any reason for the bipolar diagnosis if there is not a record of mania? I think I recall you mentioning a history of psychosis before (correct me if I am wrong). Even if not bipolar, do you think any of the meds are helping, especially with psychosis? I of course cannot say what your diagnosis is, I would just not want to see you unwell because of stopping something. Also, I will chime in with most everyone else and say even if you stop the meds meds, please do not stop abruptly. I had bad side effects even when tapering off lamictal, and I did not even have the worst side effects that could happen. It's not worth rushing and getting sick. Please take care!

[pirilin]

I don't know why, or how much you are taking of each medication.
However, it looks like you're making a drastic and impulsive decision.

If this is the only way you can do it, more power to you.
I only know one thing.
The mind is so powerful, that if you dully convince yourself that the meds
are harming you, they are.

I feel better without most meds. Including quitting lamotrigine for good.
I'm even sleeping without the .75mg clonazepam.
Only I did it without any drama. Removing some every day.

The 'I'm done" thing is what worries me.
It looks like you need to make anouncents in order to quit.
You really want to quit, do. It's your brain we're talking here.
I did it. Only I was dead sure of what I wanted.

Good luck.

Cheers.

If you've got an issue with your T, then either talk it out with them, or switch Ts. And remember, they are NOT in a position to dx you. What happened with her is not a logical reason to quit meds.

(Also, T notes? Often not all that useful from those I've seen. When I read one set, I marvelled at how much was missing. There was little to no sense of the seriousness of problems in times I KNOW were very bad. All to say that notes are not the end all be all.)

I'm going to be blunt here, and this is super-important. Saying "since I have nothing wrong with me" is either disingenuous or shows a serious lack of insight. Your posts over time show a cyclical pattern of psychosis and paranoia and wanting to ditch meds, interspersed with healthier posts. This is a very well-established pattern. It is far from "nothing wrong". Regardless of the specific dx, there are serious symptoms that need attention. And I know you don't want to hear it, but those are the kind of symptoms that call for meds.

Right now you are angry. You are not thinking logically about the larger picture. As mentioned by others, please take a breath, a step back and don't do anything rash.

You don't really have anyone IRL who can help keep an eye out for when your symptoms arise, do you? I worry for you about this.

To answer all of your questions—

I sought help because of severe anger. I regularly beat up my parents. Punched and kicked my dad, whacked him upside the head with my mom’s tax book, threw a phone at his head, destroyed two of my laptops, destroyed 3 phones (by throwing and stomping on them), kicked a hole in a wall, kicked a hole through my bedroom door, punched people in school, swore at everybody, etc.. It all started when I was 12ish, but didn’t peak until I was 14. Then it kept going and going.

I find that Ritalin helps me focus and get work done, hence I like it. I just get distracted for unknown reasons (my fault, really, as I have no discipline) and think too much about various things all at once.

I stopped my rexulti as of last night and have no plans of taking it again.

And no, I do not have anybody IRL who can keep an eye on me, as I live by myself and don’t date anyone. (Not interested in dating atm either.)

You’re right that maybe my T notes are missing important details, but she said nothing stood out to her and I know she knows me well. She said she just saw lots of anxiety in her notes, but who doesn’t have anxiety? That means nothing.

[Merlin]

It may be the reason your T hasn’t seen manic symptoms is because the meds you’re taking are preventing them.

[bizi]

so ...what about all of your hallucinations, paranoia and delusions...these are psychosis symptoms you have experienced with us and part of bipolar 1 or schzo? Have you been more honest here then with your treatment team?

bizi

[still_crazy]

please taper things slowly, especially anti-seizure drugs and Klonopin. rexulti...I dunno. I had to slowly reduce my Abilify to the current level, but I'm not you, clearly.

they do lie. there's a lot of profiteering in mental health. in the public/community mental health sector, the control aspect is more prominent. blah.

those are some serious meds for someone who has never been manic, btw. i kinda see where you're coming from, i do, and...

id personally just advise you to take the tapers slowly, don't jar your system. one thing mental health, inc. does is dope people up, say "you must take your meds!," and then when a quick taper brings about problems, they go...

"see??!?! we told you that you needed us, and our meds!" its ********, of course. very expensive, very damaging ********.

good luck to you.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

To answer all of your questions—

I sought help because of severe anger. I regularly beat up my parents. Punched and kicked my dad, whacked him upside the head with my mom’s tax book, threw a phone at his head, destroyed two of my laptops, destroyed 3 phones (by throwing and stomping on them), kicked a hole in a wall, kicked a hole through my bedroom door, punched people in school, swore at everybody, etc.. It all started when I was 12ish, but didn’t peak until I was 14. Then it kept going and going.

I find that Ritalin helps me focus and get work done, hence I like it. I just get distracted for unknown reasons (my fault, really, as I have no discipline) and think too much about various things all at once.

I stopped my rexulti as of last night and have no plans of taking it again.

And no, I do not have anybody IRL who can keep an eye on me, as I live by myself and don’t date anyone. (Not interested in dating atm either.)

You’re right that maybe my T notes are missing important details, but she said nothing stood out to her and I know she knows me well. She said she just saw lots of anxiety in her notes, but who doesn’t have anxiety? That means nothing.

What dose of Rexulti were you on and what are your doses of the other meds? Make sure to tell your pdoc and therapist of your med change so they will be in the best position to help you.

[pirilin]

Have you checked IED?.
A good shrink can distinguish between bipolar rage
and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Also incurable.
But treatable with antidepressants. Or so they say.

Good luck.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by bizi

so ...what about all of your hallucinations, paranoia and delusions...these are psychosis symptoms you have experienced with us and part of bipolar 1 or schzo? Have you been more honest here then with your treatment team?

bizi

I tell my therapist nearly everything that’s going on in my life, what I feel like, etc.. I’m very open about things except for stuff like constipation from meds, skipping a day of showering because I’m too lazy, etc.. Basically, I skip the TMI stuff.

I only asked her about mania and bipolar, not about anything else. But I don’t think it really matters what I asked about because, again, she said she just saw anxiety. She didn’t say stuff like, “yeah, I saw some depression” or “yeah, I noticed psychosis.” She just said anxiety.

Originally Posted by still_crazy

please taper things slowly, especially anti-seizure drugs and Klonopin. rexulti...I dunno. I had to slowly reduce my Abilify to the current level, but I'm not you, clearly.

they do lie. there's a lot of profiteering in mental health. in the public/community mental health sector, the control aspect is more prominent. blah.

those are some serious meds for someone who has never been manic, btw. i kinda see where you're coming from, i do, and...

id personally just advise you to take the tapers slowly, don't jar your system. one thing mental health, inc. does is dope people up, say "you must take your meds!," and then when a quick taper brings about problems, they go...

"see??!?! we told you that you needed us, and our meds!" its ********, of course. very expensive, very damaging ********.

good luck to you.

I stopped Abilify cold turkey at 30mg and nothing bad happened. I’ve also stopped rexulti cold turkey before and nothing bad happened either. I get no withdrawal from either one. It was seroquel that gave me the hard time. Nausea, vomiting, insomnia, pissy, sad, anxious, etc.. Otherwise, pretty much nothing bad happens when I stop an antipsychotic cold turkey.

I’m going to be careful with lamictal.