Trigger Warning - depressed and lonely

I need to put this somewhere so here it is.


Lately, I am so depressed that all I do is move from my bed in the morning to the couch and then back from the couch to bed. I don't get dressed, I don't even brush my hair. It's disgusting but I shower about once a week. It's not the reason I'm depressed but I have gained almost 100 pounds since last year because of my meds. I was 140 and now I'm at 220.


I have looked at my meds and seriously wondered I wanted to google it but I'm afraid my husband would see the internet history and have a fit over it - by fit, I mean yelling and threatening to leave me because I'm not stable. I can't take yelling and threats at the moment. I can't handle it.


I want to feel better, I do, but all I see is day after day of nothing, just emptiness.

I feel the same most days. I compare my life to the movie groundhog day- fail to sleep, do nothing of value all day, cope with too much, eat too much, then fail to sleep again

honestly 16 years of " things will get better" is bull ****. things don't get better, they get worse

but please don't kill yourself. don't look up on google about mixing the meds

I've been in that place and



it's really scary when you're lying in that hospital bed wondering if actually, this is it and you've succeeded in what you set out to do- I have come close many times

what do you usually do when you feel like this?

do you have good coping skills

I also knew what you meant by you saying he'd have a fit over it.

I'm in england and we use that term all the time

I've also come close many times. I've done so much therapy that it's ridiculous I still come to this. I've been told what to do as far as coping skills go but once you hit a low that's so far down, coping skills seem impossible. I'll try to use some of them, though. Thanks for the reply.

Leia
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Please hold tight though, ok? And please, please, please do not act on your feelings. Firstly, because just don't. You may not think so right now, but people would be devastated. Also, so much could go wrong and you could seriously mess yourself up -- damaging organs for instance. Personally, I find it helpful to remember just how bad the consequences could be. For either outcome.

Please stay safe.

If you don't feel safe, please seek help, ok?

If it comes to a point where I don't feel like I can be safe, I'll tell my husband to take me to the hospital. Though, it would catch him off guard because he never notices anything. You'd think that only seeing me either in bed or under a blanket on the couch, he would get a clue. Nope.

I myself mixed meds and a heart syrup... I ended up damaging my brain even more and I have agonized respiration now sometimes in the middle of night. It was because of severe depression and I didn't want to live anymore. Because everyone treated me unfairly. I understand how it all works, but I hope that you don't give up. I can't give advise, I am sorry.

I often feel that too

i've seen 9 therapists, one of which was helpful - the other 8 wern't

and i've forgotten the skills the helpful one taught me

seems ironic, because a few years ago I was trying to show others the skills I learned