Something is wrong with my thinking? I think.

I'm being triggered at every turn, it seems.

So I'm trying to do a little better, then the phone rings. It's my dad, of all people. I ask how he is and he tells me he's again feeling really depressed and lonely. He asked how I am. I lied and said I'm doing OK. Then I asked if he's taking an antidepressant and he said yes. Then I said that he shouldn't drink while on one and that alcohol is an antidepressant. In response, he said "Oh, I haven't drank in a long time. I don't even remember when." Of course my brother tells us he's been drinking since he got back from the hospital. Then he asks me if I'd come over to visit him. To that I finally had to tell the truth.

"Dad, I'm afraid I wasn't completely honest with you. I'm actually NOT doing OK. I didn't want to worry you or anything. I'm afraid I really can't come over, even though I do want to support you and am concerned."I also told him that he can call me as much as he needs (I wish he wouldn't right now, though), and that he should enjoy the weather.

"It's too hot outside", he said. Then I suggested he treat himself to some nice little lunch. "I can't drive.", he responded. Well I wonder why he can't drive? Probably because he's drinking! Though I didn't voice that.

So now I'm all totally stirred up after trying to calm down a bit. I told him to call me after his nap. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Now I feel bad that he thinks I'm sick. I hope that doesn't depress him even more.

I called my husband immediately after. Then I called my sister's house. I didn't expect my sister to be there, but wanted to reach my nephew to ask him to go visit my dad. My sister, her husband and my nephew live down the street from dad. Sis was there, working from home. I told her that my mood is elevated and that I've been struggling to get control of it and am even afraid to go to the grocery store, let alone drive all the way to see my dad -- my current biggest trigger. She said she'd ask my nephew to visit him. After I hung up, I didn't remember if I had called my husband. I really wasn't sure. I kind of thought I had. So I called him and asked him if I had called him 10 minutes earlier. He confirmed that I had.

Now I don't know if I should take yet another Seroquel PRN. I'm a little reluctant to. I'll wait 15 minutes and decide then.

I hope the seroquel increase helps you. I take 600mg everyday and it's really helpful for me

I'm sorry you're struggling right now and what you're going through with your father

My h is having serious medical challenges. I’m pulling out all the stops on self care: Spotify for music, audiobooks, water aerobics, CBD gummies,, the whole bag of tricks. Your dad is a trigger for more than one reason. My dad was an alcoholic and wouldn’t get help. Especially during an episode, your first obligation is to yourself and your wonderful husband. Go slowly and pamper yourself.

[QUOTE=luvyrself;6606717]My h is having serious medical challenges. I’m pulling out all the stops on self care: Spotify for music, audiobooks, water aerobics, CBD gummies,, the whole bag of tricks. Your dad is a trigger for more than one reason. My dad was an alcoholic and wouldn’t get help. Especially during an episode, your first obligation is to yourself and your wonderful husband. Go slowly and pamper yourself! Hugs!

I'm sorry I didn't respond to this before, luvyrself. I'm wishing you and your hubby the best. Thank you for sharing what you did and for your advice.

I'm feeling better, but obviously not 100%.

Hi BirdDancer, You have been on my mind. I have just been too weary to check in. How are you doing today?

Thank you, Wild Coyote! I guess I'm OK. Not fully myself, but OK. How are you?

HI! I am glad to read you are feeling okay, although not yet yourself. I hope you will feel better soon.

I am dragging. I saw pdoc on Friday. I had been too tired in the morning, so we'd decreased the Seroquel at night and increased the Lamictal in the morning. I was not taking enough Lamictal in the morning, according to my pdoc. She wants to stabilize my mood further by using Lamictal., instead of Seroquel, IF possible. I have not slept for 2 nights. (I might be in touch with her tomorrow. Her rule with her clients is: If I have not slept for 3 nights, call her. I can, of course, call her anytime.)

I am taking it easy today. I am too tired to do otherwise.

I am tired and a bit agitated, all at the same time. I think it is due to the degree of exhaustion.

Are you able to get out today?
Thinking of you!

Please do call your pdoc asap tomorrow, Wild Coyote, if you can't sleep tonight. I hope you do sleep, though.

I didn't get out much at all, but was busy inside. We did sit on our deck a little and I cleaned our rose bush of numerous spider webs. They were ready to welcome numerous baby spiders. It was a spider infestation. I like spiders, but enough is enough. They need to move on to other areas.

Hi BirdDancer, I am just now seeing your comment. I do hope to sleep tonight. I am feeling a bit wound up, however. Let's both sleep well!?

I'm sorry I didn't see your post until now, Wild Coyote. I hope you sleep well tonight. I hope I get to sleep at some reasonable time. I had to take a PRN of Seroquel again. I'm thinking that maybe I should have my Seroquel XR raised to 600 mg or even 650 mg.

I had a talk with my husband tonight about my sanity. I feel it's only hanging on by a thin rope. Hubby agreed and wants me to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow. I didn't tell him that I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday after only two weeks from my last appointment.

Insight is happening, but not always. Sometimes I know I am not right, but don't care. I do/say/write things, then later realize how I must look to others, particularly people that don't have mental illness or don't understand fully what my situation is. I used to have such reactions roll off my back to a great degree, but now I am sometimes shocked to see that I appear as freakish, for lack of a better word. Does anyone here understand? Has anyone here experienced scaring people off? There is that moment of clarity when I think "It's like I am an alien."

I'm getting more and more careless. This is not unusual for me, but lately it's more severe. It's a lot of little things, like breaking things, driving in the wrong direction, leaving the hose on, etc.

All of the above-mentioned are reminders to me that I am not able to function in a sufficient enough way to really operate in the mainstream world. I am still disabled. I told my husband that if I had a job, I wouldn't be able to last for many reasons. A panic would set in because of pressure. My thinking would become even more dysfunctional. I'd definitely make mistakes or forget important things and be reprimanded. If reprimanded, I would surely worsen. Also, I don't believe that I could honestly vow not to make other significant mistakes. It's not that I am intellectually incapable. No. It's that I am psychologically deficient.

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling, BirdDancer, but it's really good that you still have some insight and had a talk about it with your husband. I hope he's being supportive of you during this struggle.
Warm hugs

I am up early. I'd wanted to check in on you/your thread.

It can feel a bit devastating to realize, or to be reminded, we may not fit into the world around us. We look for the strength to continue, and hold out, with some hope that we will, one day, "become normal," we can fit in.

Many years ago now, in the 1980's I believe, there was HUGE movement to "de-institutionalize" those who had mental illness and were very vulnerable to succumbing to a chronic pattern of "institutionalization." At least one of the ideas behind this movement was/is the idea that those with mental illness were to be integrated into the community, instead of being placed into settings where they will feel isolated or feel "deficient," and/or feeling and truly being, separated from their community..

Those then advocating for the mentally ill had argued the idea that the mentally ill , in fact, are a very important segment of the "normal" population. Their "differences"/their" "deficiencies", both perceived and very real, are not always unique to those labeled as "mentally ill." Many of these"traits" were, in fact, very similar to, or the same as, traits shared within communities. These types of realizations supported the movement in "freeing" many /most,(of those tagged as mentally ill,) from the isolation, the "shame," and a myriad of additional "negative" experiences associated with feelings of, and many symptoms of, feeling the deep pain related to a generalized sense of a "lack of acceptance."of which we all might suffer.

.I believe there is a deep well of pain within any/every human being, and even within any sentient being, related to, or caused by, the experience(s) of a sense of "Separation."
This idea of the fundamental source of deep pain is a topic,is an issue, that is often addressed by many religious groups and other types of communities. There is acknowledgement, and to some degree, acceptance of this idea might, in fact, be a source of intense pain. Various groups or individuals often attempt to address this very fundamental feeling, or perception of, the pain of separation.

While we all feel the pain of separation, to varying degrees, both conscious and unconscious, including feelings of separation from community, separation from family, separation/abandonment of Self, we can move beyond the pain of" perceived separation." This very real and deep source of pain, our illusions of "Separation" keeps us imprisoned, holding us back from realizing the Truth of Oneness, which promotes both mutual acceptance and self-acceptance.

Once we are able to drop the illusion of "Separation," we can feel a deep sense of belonging, a true sense of acceptance of self and of others. This shift toward a sense of belonging, a sense of true acceptance of self and of others, allows for a greater sense of belonging and engenders a more healthy sense of community.

While we each, and we all, may at times feel we do not fit in with what we (and others might) perceive as "normal," we are greatly served by realizing and then dropping/discarding this illusion of separation.

Please forgive my inept attempt to address what I feel is a critical discussion for the healing of the self and for the healing of communities. I believe our choices are born of either "Love" or of "Fear." Choices born of Love (charity) for self and for others present us with the opportunities for increased consciousness, for further insights into healing, as well as the freedom and encouragement to be our best selves. .Choices born of "Fear" keep us unconscious, keep us imprisoned and encourage us to continue to serve illusions which cause us great pain and suffering.

Love to All ~

Checking on you, @BirdDancer. I hope your day is going better today! I'm so sorry things are being so hard but be proud of yourself for how you're handling this tough situation. You're talking things through with your Husband, trying to get help from your Doctors, you're writing here, you're thinking about what to do, you're trying to do EVERYTHING that's in your power to get better. That's WONDERFUL! Be proud of yourself. I'm sure you'll feel better before you realize. Let me know if I, or anyone here, can help you one way or another! Keep writing if that helps as well! Wishing you the BEST of Luck with your Healing and your Journey in Life! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, BirdDancer, your Husband, your Family, your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF!

spikes, Wild Coyote, and MickeyCheeky, I am so grateful for what you all wrote. I feel unable to properly express how much at this time.

Wild Coyote, what you wrote is so significant in that it pertains to so many groups of people (from racial groups, to religious, to people with mental illness or other illnesses, and way beyond). It does make me feel less alone. Actually, one of the few blessings I have received from having a mental illness is that I've become more understanding of other people's struggles over the years. Even more liberal minded. That is a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, sometimes the illness makes one forget this in respect to oneself. I recall only a couple days ago expressing an acceptance and peace with my situation. How fickle the illness makes us. It sometimes changes perspectives in just moments, and then changes back again.

(Hands clapping)