[Blueberrybook]

I am so sick of this disease. I try to explain it to H, my daughter, my sisters, no one "gets" it or even comes close. And what it means to be type I or type 2 or mixed all the time (my normal phase).

I struggle to explain, and I don't even have the words, not to mention H is very skeptical of the psychiatrists and therapists and taking medication. He says I'm making myself believe I can't do X, Y, Z without meds because some doctor told me so, but he didn't know me before I was on meds either; he doesn't know the countless sleepless nights, the all night buying sprees, the SI, the total immersion of the anorexia.

I don't think there IS a way to understand if you haven't lived it....

No words to explain. I've been going between mild manicky to at times scarily depressed (though it always passes, the joy of mixed, I suppose). But I can't tell anyone about it, can't explain, don't always know the triggers, and I definitely don't have the words, not to mention certain people would rather pretend it doesn't exist or talk about it as little as possible. It's been worse since treatment of my iron anemia (think the anemia is at the moment under control, but I really won't know how well the iron infusions helped until Sept. labs). Probably my body chemistry is all messed up by now

Sorry for the long vent.

[bizi]

This is not along vent.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry others don't understand @Blueberrybook I don't have bipolar, but it can also be hard to explain clinical depression to people who don't have it. What helps me is going to support groups with people who really get it. Have you tried the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance Support groups? I really like going to them.

[Jedi67]

it isn't a long vent at all. we are here to listen. I still have family members that alienate me because of my diagnosis. one being my own mother and my cousin who was like a brother to me. they'll never understand, it's very frustrating and disappointing. but we have to move on and let go. keep reaching out here. stay strong! sending best wishes!

[~Christina]

I’ll just be blunt ... STOP expecting them to get it or even slightly understand it. It’s a waste of time and will only make things harder for you

Depend on your Pdoc T and here or other bipolar friends you have made elsewhere.

There is no reason to just keep banging your head into a wall.

As for your husband not understanding your taking meds, just take them when he’s not looking , although your married your still able to make medical decisions for yourself. You know what you need to do to try and find stability.

Yes it all sucks but you have no choice but to deal with your proper self care

[Moose72]

I just saw a friend who asks me questions about my bipolar- genuinely interested. We also discuss the usual things friends talk about- our trials and tribulations. She treats me as me!

[Scooter9]

I agree with Christina. I'm in a similar situation to yours. My wife doesn't understand nor wants to understand.

I take my meds for myself, I treat myself (with my pdoc of course), and advocate for myself. My wife has no idea what meds I'm on. And that sucks. I wish it was different but it's not and it's not going to change.

If I'm having a bad day, that's just the way it is. I expect no empathy anymore. I work through it on my own and deal with things myself.

Take care of yourself and be happy with the fact that you have professional support and have treatments available.

[Jedi67]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I just saw a friend who asks me questions about my bipolar- genuinely interested. We also discuss the usual things friends talk about- our trials and tribulations. She treats me as me!

that's great Moose72! I long to have a friend like that. someone I can share with and be genuinely engaged in conversation without judgement. my fear keeps me from reaching out to others though, I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

[Dysphoria]

No one understands me either. Part of my illness progression has been to completely isolate and essentially give up on life. So it's not often that I even get to converse with people about it. I've never been married and have no friends. The only people I converse with are my mother and brother, both of whom seem to have a hard time understanding. Neither are really judgemental but sometimes they'll say things like "you're wasting your life" and "you have so much potential, you're good looking and smart." Perhaps they're right but I don't feel that way.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Jedi67

that's great Moose72! I long to have a friend like that. someone I can share with and be genuinely engaged in conversation without judgement. my fear keeps me from reaching out to others though, I feel like I'm my own worst enemy.

Fear of what, exactly? I keep my bipolar blog and friends that friends and family can read. If they don't understand something I've written they are free to just ask me. It helps me keep myself accountable. I also have several long-time friends that I talk with every day almost- so they know what's going on with me. My pdoc really likes this- that my friends help keep me on track. Its when I withdraw that things start getting worse. And my pdoc always asks how much I'm posting on my blog because she knows I'm headed somewhere unwell when I start posting every day or multiple times a day in an effeort to convey how I'm feeling to everybody. To get down my "bipolar experience".

I'm in total agreement with what Christina and then also Scooter said. I've been racking my brain for a long while now trying to remember a quote my father used to say a lot. I am certain it is relevant here. If I stop trying to think about it it may come to me. If it does, I'll let you know.

I hear you. It feels very isolating.

[fern46]

I don't aim for understanding. Even my therapist and pdoc will never truly understand. I don't think this is something one can really understand unless they experience it for themselves. Losing control of your own mind is a very hard thing to explain. I tried my best to understand when my mother had her episode. I researched. I begged her to explain it to me. I did my best, but I was confused as to how a smart woman could lose control to such a degree. I thought she was more to blame than she let on. Then I lived it myself. I get it now.

I don't need everyone to understand me, but I hope they can accept me and love me despite what happened. I appreciate those that try to understand and offer help even if they are misguided. I come here to interact with people who actually do understand.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I'm sorry others don't understand @Blueberrybook I don't have bipolar, but it can also be hard to explain clinical depression to people who don't have it. What helps me is going to support groups with people who really get it. Have you tried the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance Support groups? I really like going to them.

Funny you should mention that. It's the homework my T gave me, to look into finding a group. I am so stressed, and we are going to be moving closer to my husband's work, just getting started with the process, already overwhelmed...

[Blueberrybook]

Thanks so much.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Funny you should mention that. It's the homework my T gave me, to look into finding a group. I am so stressed, and we are going to be moving closer to my husband's work, just getting started with the process, already overwhelmed...

A move is a lot for any family. I can appreciate feeling overwhelmed by it. All you can do is take it one tiny step at a time. You'll get through it. Hugs!

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’ll just be blunt ... STOP expecting them to get it or even slightly understand it. It’s a waste of time and will only make things harder for you

Depend on your Pdoc T and here or other bipolar friends you have made elsewhere.

There is no reason to just keep banging your head into a wall.

As for your husband not understanding your taking meds, just take them when he’s not looking , although your married your still able to make medical decisions for yourself. You know what you need to do to try and find stability.

Yes it all sucks but you have no choice but to deal with your proper self care

I wish I had friends even but I don't. The T is challenging me to find a NAMI group and attend. Pretty sure there is one that meets in the next town over and not that far from my house. But part of me is like what's the point of going, we're planning to move soon? Though I know very well the moving process will not be fast and it will definitely be stressful. I'm already stressed and we've just met with the realtor once and looked at some houses.

I definitely do make my own medical decisions so long as I can. Couldn't during perforated ulcer surgery, so H had to but that was different. As far as psych treatment, yes, since I can't even talk to him about bipolar or get him to read a webpage article on it, it's definitely something I decide myself.

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry, will read other responses later. There is a shelter-in-place at the college campus H is at with an ExxonMobil plant fire in Baytown, not where H usually works, but where he was yesterday and today helping out at a camp for high schoolers at a community college.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'm in total agreement with what Christina and then also Scooter said. I've been racking my brain for a long while now trying to remember a quote my father used to say a lot. I am certain it is relevant here. If I stop trying to think about it it may come to me. If it does, I'll let you know.

I hope you remember the quote. Interested to hear about it.

Thanks for your support. It helps. And it is so, so hard not having any friends It is so hard for me to make friends. My only close friend (around 45 min drive away) is my youngest sister, but she is a stay-at-home mom to 3 girls 8 and under, super busy with stuff and not much time to talk.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by fern46

I don't aim for understanding. Even my therapist and pdoc will never truly understand. I don't think this is something one can really understand unless they experience it for themselves. Losing control of your own mind is a very hard thing to explain. I tried my best to understand when my mother had her episode. I researched. I begged her to explain it to me. I did my best, but I was confused as to how a smart woman could lose control to such a degree. I thought she was more to blame than she let on. Then I lived it myself. I get it now.

I don't need everyone to understand me, but I hope they can accept me and love me despite what happened. I appreciate those that try to understand and offer help even if they are misguided. I come here to interact with people who actually do understand.

Yeah. These are my feelings exactly. You don't know until you live it.

Around here, I get the feeling that taking psych meds or a diagnosis like bipolar makes a person "crazy". Just ignorant stupid talk on Nextdoor. I stay out of it, but it angers me. I wish more people would try to understand.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I just saw a friend who asks me questions about my bipolar- genuinely interested. We also discuss the usual things friends talk about- our trials and tribulations. She treats me as me!

So awesome! I would love that!

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry if I didn't respond to everyone personally...listening to the news, H texting for info. Shelter-in-place here sucks. It's stay inside, close all windows and doors, turn off air conditioning. Not comfortable at all in summer in southeast Texas. So far, no shelter in place for me, just the town over where H is.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Yeah. These are my feelings exactly. You don't know until you live it.

Around here, I get the feeling that taking psych meds or a diagnosis like bipolar makes a person "crazy". Just ignorant stupid talk on Nextdoor. I stay out of it, but it angers me. I wish more people would try to understand.

It is ignorance exactly. I try to find forgiveness for people with small minds. There is enough info available that people could do much better, but I genuinely think looking into mental health disorders is scary for people. I know it scared me because it made me contemplate what it would be like if I had a disorder. Then it actually happened to me and I was glad I had taken the time to learn what I could before. I think people simply need to be brave and realize that 'other' doesn't mean 'less than'. We shouldn't have to feel ashamed or unwelcome.

And I really do not like the Next door app. It is a cesspool of drama and hate where I live. I've used it twice when I saved a neighbor's cat and then a second time when I saved a dog. I do not bother with it otherwise. It is toxic.

[luvyrself]

Sweetie,I am so sorry you are feeling so isolated. A group might help a lot . Definitely worth trying and you might make a close friend there. I would recommend starting at a group near the town you are going to move to. Moving is a lot and the “one step at a time”approach is necessary for those of us who have mixed episodes. The great thing about moving is that you will meet new people there and one of them might end up to be your best friend. Nextdoor does have a lot of stupid drama,but I met my best friend on there when I knew no one in Phoenix (what luck,her son is bipolar)and it is possible to be the voice of reason on Nextdoor to calm people down if one has the time.
I totally understand about family members not getting it. My mom was the only one who has had it and she lived far away and passed last year. My ex and my son dont really try. I think they think its incomprehensible and I should just get on with things, which I do.Just forging ahead when we can is often the best thing to do.
You were very strong through the iron problem. We’re always with you.I am always looking for bipolar friends. They say we are 3.5% of. The population tho I think thats on the small side. Someone in my class at the gym is Bp.
I dont know what I would do without this forum! Hugs!

I can completely relate to just about every word here in your post. None of my family understands (or can even begin to wrap their minds around the concept), some even think im making it all up to get attention. Which is absurd! How many agoraphobic (among other things) seek attention? Well, I honestly don't know the answer to that question, and Im sure there might be some that do. I, on the other hand, do not. It would be nice to have company over every now and then, or where I could bring myself to venture outside and go meet/ make new friends. Yet at the end of the day, I feel more and more like an alien/ a complete stranger to my own family. As if, they are happier when Im not around, so they are reminded that there is something wrong with me. I imagine it makes em feel awkward, my illness, yet its no walk in the park for me either. So here I sit, utterly alone within these four walls I call home. Oh, and then there is the weight loss - at this rate, ive lost over 60lbs in less then 11 months. Cant complain there though, think that's the only part of this I actually like?