[Victoria'smom]

I’m thinking of going to the other clinic for therapy. Currently I can’t see a therapist until November in my current clinic. I’m thinking of going to the other clinic at least until November, maybe longer if I like the therapist. The problem is I want to keep my pdoc. I’ve never gone to a place that doesn’t share notes. So how would that work? I already have problems communicating. I think not sharing notes wouldn’t be good for me. I’m not even sure of my diagnosis. I don’t want to transfer my record because I’m staying with pdoc. I’m worried if I get evaluated now they’ll overreact not knowing me. My thinking is off and I’m impulsive. I need to learn how to deal between 3 month pdoc appointments when and how to speak up for myself. This feels wrong I feel I should just wait my turn. I feel like I’m going behind someone’s back. I need to keep myself safe. I’m losing grip and I need something. (my tattoo is mocking me) I’m too embarrassed to straight out ask for IOP plus that’s such a burden on my husband. I don’t want an emergency appointment because I should wait. Plus this will pass, at some point. This is a me issue not a med issue.

[fern46]

I think it is perfectly fine to consult with another therapist especially if your current one cannot meet your needs. I'd let the new therapist worry about sharing notes. He/she is the expert and will know what is needed to assist you. You are in need of help and the only wrong choice is to continue to wait and suffer. You said this is a me issue and not a med issue. That is precisely what therapy should address.

There are no real turns to wait in the medical arena. Patient sympyoms change and priorities shift. Professionals are trained to change gears and address new and critical needs as they arise. Think of it like an ER. They do not necessarily see patients in the order of their arrival. They treat patients based on the severity of their needs. Patients that are stable can wait. Patients that need immediate attention are moved to the front of the line. Your needs are more critical now and waiting to be seen will not serve you well.

I saw another poster suggest you write down how you're feeling when you meet with your therapist or pdoc. I think that is a fantastic idea for you. Printing out some of your posts here could help shed light on your thinking and your feelings. I know it is difficult for you to open up, but you do a beautiful job of that here. Just something to consider. I hope you are able to access the help you need soon. Oh, and don't discount the value of IOP. It may feel like a burden, but you would have immediate access to a therapist and a pdoc. I imagine your husband would be able to see the value in that if you can find a way to be honest with him about how you're feeling.

[Victoria'smom]

There are no real turns to wait in the medical arena. I have trouble feeling I'm not being rude, taking someone else spot. They treat patients based on the severity of their needs. It's hard to see I'm in need and not stable. Today, I feel like it's a waste of time to go to the new clinic. Dh is keeping an eye on me. I told him I'm mad I have no PRN for emergencies. He reminded me how much I hate meds. I don't want to become afraid of my husband 3 wks seem like a long time though. My husband asked how I was and was like **** really when he found out the way I feel. While he doesn't know details he knows the basics. The fact that I want more meds concerns him. He's going to get melitonin to take tonight.

[fern46]

You're not being rude! Your job is to be honest. It is the job of your doctors and medical team to weigh your needs against someone else's. It is not your burden to carry. Don't let that be a reason for not seeking treatment. Your job is only to decide if you need help and to be as honest as possible about your symptoms.

I used to juggle multiple customers with needs that crossed over. They used to try to tell me who was more important. I was the strategist. I used to tell them all the time to let me worry about figuring out the order of how my teams would meet all their needs. Their job was simply to tell me everything that was going on and how it was impacting their business. They gave me the details and I crafted the best big picture possible. My picture was only as good as the details I was given.

You do your job the best you can and you give yourself the best shot at a fair and true process unfolding around you. The process breaks down when people step outside of their lane and try to make decisions that are better served by people trained to make them. Give all your details and let someone else create the best big picture possible.

[unaluna]

They now have chewable Tums with melatonin. For me this is the best of both worlds, the perfect medicine! Settle my stomach and knock me out!

[Pookyl]

I have a split treatment team. My pdoc and T are approx 4 suburbs apart from each other.
I use a communication book so My T can write to my pdoc and vice versa. That seems to work.

[Victoria'smom]

Is a communication book just a note book?

[HALLIEBETH87]

Mine are in two completely separate companies. I’ve had this pdoc for years and even followed him to
His new office. My psyd and pdoc have permission to y’all to one another.

[HALLIEBETH87]

Mine are in two completely separate companies. I’ve had this pdoc for years and even followed him to
His new office. My psyd and pdoc have permission to talk to one another.

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Is a communication book just a note book?

Yes just a notebook. I refer to it as my ‘communication’ book because it reminds me what the notebook is used for and why I have it.

[Victoria'smom]

I will be calling tomorrow.

[Victoria'smom]

So I made the appointment. It's on Thursday. It's 4 hrs. I'm so nervous. I didn't even know what to say when they asked what my behavioral problems were and why I wanted therapy. What do I say when they ask me there? other then I need more help then I'm getting now? I'm bringing my last updated treatment plan. I don't know what else to bring. I'm scared.

[fern46]

Good for you! I think this is an amazing step and I know it was difficult for you.

A pdoc recently said the best way to communicate your state is to give scenarios of what you've been experiencing instead of clinical terms of symptoms. So you don't say 'I'm depressed.' Instead you say, I am feeling sadness when I wake up in the morning and I don't want to get out of bed'. Don't say I am paranoid and anxious. Say 'I feel like people do not understand me and are thinking negative thoughts about me all the time'.

The doctor said it is also helpful to provide when each symptom started and how long it has been going on. Maybe you can make a chart listing your recent scenarios you experience as well as the timing for each. You can also list them in order of severity so they can get a sense of your most pressing needs.

Your goals for treatment then become finding ways to ease these symptoms, gaining new coping skills, processing trauma, etc.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm going to sit down and list my symptoms for the last two weeks or so. This is such a bad idea. Anyone have psychosis and NOT get hospitalized? If they want an immediate med change they'll have to wait until Monday or talk to their pdoc. I don't mind them calling. I just feel wrong if I do.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll post this now they are on there way home now. I wrote and added to this all night.

I’m sitting here almost in tears. Feeling like a burden and scared as hell.

Possible trigger:

I wish I had drugs.

He didn’t want to leave me home alone. He doesn’t trust me. He wanted me to go and sit there while they were busy. He doesn’t know anything except I turned really cold and shut down pushing them out the door. It’s hard to breathe. I know I can do this. I put him through so much, he’s usually the enemy. I sit in my head All the time. Even what I say here I don’t say aloud. I’m so scared. He can’t babysit me always. He needs to live his life. I don’t tell him things anymore. He doesn’t need my **** too, plus he doesn’t see my/our problems as bad. We use to be close but he cuts me with his words now whenever I speak I’m wrong. I’m sensitive and he’s a mean depressed. This is week 1 how will I get through to week 16? Whenever really sick I think he’s trying to trick me to go IP. He hates me IP.

Possible trigger:

He told me recently he’d only take me to the ER without my okay if I was non-responsive.

We were talking about something else when it came up. He has never been IP. I fear that is because he doesn’t trust me. Plus we’re just bad at feeling we can handle it. I miss my WV T. I told her EVERYTHING in detail. She trusted me. I wrote everything because my fear of being judged (???). I don’t like the idea of scaring others. I look put together. I’m scared of the mental health system as a whole. If I knew that it’d just be therapy then I’d be okay to be honest. I don’t even know how to start the conversation. The closest thing I’ve said out loud is my thinking’s off and last week I felt impulsive. I told H last week I felt like I was drunk without drinking last week so he knew what I meant. It still took him a couple of days to put his sharp objects up. I’m no longer impulsive. H doesn’t say anything about his situation either because we’re both of the mindset that this is the best it gets. He talks to no one either.He’s on the same meds for the past 4 years. Spoiler: it doesn’t work well. He’ll be shocked if they want me IP. I think they’ll just want me to call pdoc. How do I explain things without being overdramatic? I only have 4 hrs. Well everything was too much and I started crying now I can’t stop.

[bizi]

I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now.
I hope it gets better for you soon.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

So I'm not as emotional today but that's probably because everyone is here. I got this. I can't breathe but that's okay. I need to tell them I'm paranoid when alone, hearing things, and not thinking straight. If they want me IP it'll only be for a couple of days because I am not a threat to myself. I will cry but I will go. I'm going to shower before my appointment. Sorry for my multiple threads/meltdowns lately. I'm not promising they will stop. It's embarrassing, I want to take them down but maybe it'll help someone feel less alone/find their words. I slept 4 hrs last night. Not sleeping is not helping.

[fern46]

You seem to be in a much better place today. Please don't feel you need to apologize. We are asking you over and over to be honest about what you are experiencing and you did exactly that. Now you simply need to do that in person today. You are right, you've got this! One breath and one word at a time.

Your attitude about IP is great to see. Knowing it is only temporary will serve you well. Please be as open as possible to the guidance you are offered. Your intent and attitude will make a difference in the outcome. You're going to learn and expand so that you walk away with a greater ability to cope in the future. Take all that they have to offer without worrying if they are judging you. Huge hugs to you and well wishes on the start of what can hopefully be the beginning of a healthier period in your life. Enjoy the shower. A fresh start to this day is a wonderful call.

[Victoria'smom]

I feel nauseous. I'm leaving soon. Hopefully it wont go as bad as I think. I'm bringing my case summary and treatment plan. Wish me luck!!!

Hope it goes well

[Victoria'smom]

I was so nervous. It was easy we went over my last intake, Current symptoms, Dx. (schizoaffective), and safety plan. In 3 weeks I meet my therapist. I have their number, my psychiatrists number and the suicide hotline number. I was more put together then at night. I said what was going on but not the feelings or fear associated with it. She reminded me the hospital is always an option. I explained my fear (not that they won't let me out) just that my fear of the hospital keeps me safe.

[Victoria'smom]

H was saying he hates that I "get better" the closer my appointments, today I'm the most stable I've been in a while. He's okay with me having weekly appointments right now. He's concerned. He wants me on more medication. He doesn't know I was so scared that I was crying yesterday. I have an appointment the 5th also. This all seems so far away. I know they really can't help right now. I'm wearing headphones blaring music to keep the voices out. It's so ****en tiring your mind running all the time.

How are you feeling today?

[Victoria'smom]

How are you feeling today?

I'm mad I have to sit in a hallway waiting for classes to get out.

So I’ve been talking to my husband. I asked him to put up the tools. He was horrified. I tried explaining but it goes against my cleanliness issue. Now he doesn’t even want me in the kitchen because of sharp objects. He said I’m not getting better. I argued with examples and really pissed him off. I guess I haven’t been telling him the ****ed up things. He reminded me we’re not enemies. He firmly believes I need more medication, that this won’t just pass.

I have the feeling he would have contacted my treatment team if we were in WV. He was urged to call and I had access to walk in appointments m-f with pdoc. I know they’d be pissed. The whole quality of life speech pdoc gave me is echoing in my head. We were told we don’t get to make decisions about each others health. They fired us from that position because we’d let things go to far before intervention.

I need a team I trust, that trusts me. No one trusts me. I’m hopeful that new T will do that. I wish intake T was my T. I’m going to ask pdoc if I can see her monthly even when I’m well. If not I may ask my new T if any of their drs. can do that. I just feel wrong asking for appointments I don’t need when pdocs are hard to find. I’m going to ask my husband first if it’s okay with him. I have to do this before I accept this is just how my life is and get use to it. I told him his meds aren’t working either. He wanted me to give examples but I don’t want him to feel bad or get defensive. He already has enough stress with school starting.

The only break through symptoms right now is my leg shaking. H says it’s anxiety. Right now I’m in the mood I’d take any drug they’d throw at me I just want my head quiet, I’m tired. I’m counting down 17 days.

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe they need a break from me, I need a break from me. I'm so ****en so indecisive.