Bipolar check in #37

Didn't sleep well last night, so I'm pretty tired right now. Wish I could've slept through the night... But, I'm probably going to go back to sleep soon. Just went out to breakfast w/ my dad and I'm now back at my apartment.

Feeling low still, but I managed to stay "positive" throughout the weekend so that I didn't worry anybody and would be supportive, so I consider that a win.

I'm going to try cleaning up my apartment around 10am. I would do it now, except I don't want to irritate the wife/gf beater downstairs. He seems dangerous and crazy, and I don't want him coming upstairs.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a lovely day today. I'm going to try to be positive.

my body doesn't like me today.

icky tummy so stayingn ear a toilet

Right now I'm still relaxing -- easing into the day. I WILL finish the project I have been working on for hubby. He told me not to bother with an end element I planned to handle. That will ensure my work gets done today.

I'm a little nervous about this week. The week after we take a vacation, which will be a working vacation for hubby. I'll be cooking the whole time since the place has a kitchen. That's fine. I've actually come to prefer doing so. I'm going to try to plan the meals to be diet-friendly.

Has the med increase helped at all yet with sleep? It'll be 3 weeks Tuesday. All my symptoms are still there + depression but I don't think those quizzes are fair. I think my symptoms are less but not enough. I was able to sleep 10 hrs last night though without meds.

Finally got some sleep. It was more like I passed out, no dreams. Closed my eyes then when I opened them there was light. Do feel better. Still have head noise but it's less. The grandkids are coming today, so my daughter can get school work done. Since going back to college she's maintained an A average despite having two kids and a internship. She definitely handles her BP better than I did at her age.

Got more sleep last night and my head feels quieter and less wonky. I have felt like I was seriously losing it this past week. I still don't really understand what's happening to my brain in those states. Now I just need to make myself get out of my apartment and go on a walk or something. Hope everyone has a great day.

I am extremely anxious. I stayed in bed until 10am yesterday and today because I was too anxious to get up. I am anxious about teaching. I have to come up with lesson plans and I know the kids are not going to like what we are doing (reading short stories) so I know it’s going to be a struggle. Every day is a struggle with them. I’m wondering if this was a good idea. I wish I was better at this.

Plus my paycheck was waaaay lower than I expected. I’m only taking home $200 more despite making $30,000 more on paper. It HAS to be a mistake. I can’t imagine that my taxes are more than 50% of my income! I have to check my paystub to figure it out. I can’t survive on my paycheck now, not with rent and childcare and all my bills. Part of the reason I wanted to teach again was that it was so much more money. I wouldn’t have taken the job had I known I would be paid so little. I’m hoping it’s a mistake somehow.

I’m so anxious that something is going to happen to RS. He’s trying to reassure me that he will be fine, but I know different. I know people can just die out of the blue. To be fair he doesn’t take drugs of engage in other risky behaviors but that doesn’t mean anything. He could die in a car crash or an aneurism or something. Anything. I don’t know what would happen to me if that happened. I’m having a really hard time getting the worry thoughts out of my head. He went out wheeling (going out on trails in his Jeep) today and I won’t feel comfortable until he’s home safe, which probably won’t be until around dusk. It’s going to be a long day

I hope I can get a handle on this anxiety. I hope it is just a temporary reaction to starting a new job. I don’t have any PRNs for anxiety. Ativan makes me too stoned. I haven’t taken klonopin in years, not sure how I’d react to that. However I don’t see pdoc until November. And I have to get insurance first. I won’t have insurance until nov 1.

I hope you feel better soon!
Have not seen you around much lately.
Take care!

Yes!
I need to hoe out my hut, too!

So glad you have finally slept!
I hope you have a lot of FUN with your family!

It is amazing how much sleep can help!
EnJOY your walk.

I have gotten a late start today. I still hope to get things done. I have cooked on vacations like you are describing. I liked it for the most part. It was great for sticking to healthy dietary choices.

Glad you could sleep!
It sounds like maybe things are slowly improving?

Financial anxiety can be so intense, I know.
I hope things get sorted out and it is a mistake.

I have have had similar anxiety after losing multiple family members suddenly in a plane crash. It was all so sudden and unexpected. It has been very difficult to manage the related grief and anxiety, for sure. It has taken many years.

I think you are doing okay with this. What more can we do but to give it time?
You might feel a bit more secure with RS going to do other activities if you can get yourself to a point to where you will do okay financially and otherwise should something happen to RS. Planning for your independence is wise and does not signal any lack of faith in your current relationship.

I think many women struggle with being fully independent from their partner, in many ways. It can be especially challenging when a child's welfare is a part of the equation.

If you end up needing klonopin to manage your anxiety, so be it. I know you do not take it as a first resort when trying to manage your anxiety. Sometimes, we need to use a med like this in order to break the cycle of ongoing anxiety. Panic attacks can kindle other panic attacks and if the cycle is not interrupted, panic may only become more frequent and more intense.

You have always worked so hard to overcome any obstacles. I admire your ability to keep on keeping on!

N3 and I had a good day yesterday. We went to downtown and wandered the shops for four to five hours! We spent time in the art museum. Before that, we'd seen that the record store that Ive known from childhood is closed! We peered in and it is a long, empty, empty big space where once tens of thousands of LPs, CDs and DVDs once resided. After the art museum we went to find the. NEW record store. It is far from its original spot- many blocks and turns to get there. There were a fair amount of people in the newly-opened shop, but not as much inventory! I expected that if they took the trouble to move tens of thousands - maybe 100?- of items that they'd at least move into a bigger space. Nope. But it still exists some how. We also stopped into a long-time book store (still in its original spot). They boast that they have 70 thousand old books. A fire hazard I'm thinking. Books everywhere- stacked in tall piles in the isles the shelves already overflowing with books on their sides. We spent quite a while in there as N3 got himself "stuck" in the philosophy section! He's been reading to me from the books he has discovered on the subject and it usually is when I'm driving! Ha! Our day concluded around 4 p.m. as my feet were sore, new shoes or no.

Ooo I'm still spacy from my lack of sleep. I'm too old to handle this. I drove mum to the store and almost ran a red light, at the last minute I stopped. I was looking right at the light too. Then when I got home and backed into the driveway I did a terrible job, crooked and way to close to the wall.

I just got up again after laying in bed zoning out most of the day. I bribed myself with candy to get up. I don't want to be up. There's no reason to be up. I'm becoming quiet again. I can't stand the idea of going tomorrow and hanging out with teens for an hour.

I've calmed down throughout the day, my mood was way elevated above normal for most of yesterday and this morning. Gave my sister the cookies I baked her. I see my case manager and therapist tomorrow. Went to the bookstore and bought a book for a reward since I've been eating really healthy

Hope you feel better soon that kinda sick is terrible.

I think it’s great even tho your struggling your working hard to stay positive !

Great job

Sounds like you need another increase. I am glad you were able to sleep

I am so glad you finally got some sleep !!!! Now if only that was a nightly thing, right???

Yeah my daughter manages her Bipolar well and I’m very happy for her. She was diagnosed 3 months after me at age 19, so she didn’t have decades of crap to figure out.

Straight A’s ??? that’s wonderful!

Enjoy the grandkids

I’m so sorry that anxiety has dug its claws into you. Maybe your T needs to try a new angle in helping to calm your fears ??

You can handle your job, soon you will have a routine down pat and the kids will too.

Oh no !!! Is there any med you can try now that ambien up and died on you ?? Maybe go back to older medication that once worked? I have done that in the past and a couple were helpful again , well until they quit again. I think insomnia is the worse symptom of Bipolar !

Please stay safe

Nothing else really worked except the seriquel and I'm not willing to go back on that. I was think of asking to try one of the other sleep meds. Yeah, insomnia is the worse.