Bipolar check in #37

Unloading my brain on Wednesday was much needed but there’s a lot of stuff I need to get figured out. Kinda feels like I was finally able to let it all out, let down my guard, collapse and have a good sob fest about the whole mess in the last couple months.

Things have been very blurry since then, missing time , disassociating a lot !

My breathing is still a problem but I honestly don’t think I can handle anymore steroids , Bipolar wise.

That tendon that I injured in Florida is still terrible ! It’s a constant ache and then sharp shooting pains. I have full range of motion with my thumb so not much I can do besides ice , ibuprofen and keep my brace on.

I agree -- I think he is trying to cover his @ss.

I will tell my therapist when I see her on Friday that he dismissed her and my concerns. She probably won't be too happy. However, he is technically her coworker and she is not a med provider, so I don't know what she'd say or do about that. She technically doesn't have the "right" to argue against his medication decisions; the only thing she can say is that he ignored me and her. Moreover, he is entitled to his own "professional" opinion, no matter how stupid it is. He'd have to do something really ethically bad to get fired. He may be able to get fired for his assistant's f_ck up and defending that, but I don't think his stupid opinion on sleep is enough to get him fired. So, my therapist will be in a difficult position.

Hope Jedi is doing okay, haven't seen him around here in awhile

I was able to get 8 hours of sleep, broken into 4 hours then up for a couple hours then back to sleep for the other 4. The other night was just 3 hours, then the next night 5, and last night 8 so it definitely seems to be improving.

Don't have much planned for the weekend. Just relaxing mostly. Hope everyone is doing well

I was thinking of him as well and planned to post something in the Physical Check in thread. Great minds. I hope he's well.

I am sorry for all you are going through. I hope it, somehow and some day, leads to further healing and more JOY in your life.

I am here for you, anytime.

Oh, forgot to check in today...

Feeling pretty low. Lower than yesterday. At least I saw my grandma and she's doing alright. It's hard seeing her not doing well and then her making "jokes" about dying soon.

I hope I can crawl out of this hole soon. I went from 2mg of rexulti to 4mg (which is what I was on before), and I think it'll take a while before I see any (positive) effect.

I'm trying to remain positive for my parents and my grandma, but it's hard, really hard. My dad actually asked me if I wanted to go with him to donate my other grandma's clothes to Good Will (she died, for those who don't know), and I said I'd rather sleep. I didn't want to admit that that'd hurt me. So now he thinks I'm sleeping, but I'm actually just laying down and feeling sh_tty.

Maybe tell him you are feeling down and ask him if he will go to get some Indian food with you? Maybe think of something else you can do with him?
If you'd rather not go out, then maybe get him interested in watching a movie with you? :
Please remember to eat, even if just a little, and do stay hydrated. Do not forget basic self-care if you can help it! It might make you feel a little more in control of all that is going on for you!

Do not forget that we are here for you, we love you and we support you!

Well, I got my lightbox out when I seasonally switched out my clothes the other day, and today is the first day I've used it. Been doing ok, but having some challenges and figured it can't hurt to get ahead of it, because I can feel them tugging and trying to pull me down.

I've had a few days at work that have me doubting my abilities. Not altogether, there's just a thing or two that I try like hell and can't master. May well be strength related, but that doesn't matter. I always feel like **** when the boss has to bring any shortcomings up. (And my mind goes to worst case scenario every time. Of course.)

My ex-BF is finishing up his program and is planning on moving back here. I will NOT be getting back together with him. But he's pretty deluded about that. An in-depth conversation is in order, but he has virtually no phone time (phone access is restricted by the program), so I am pretty stressed about that. Yes, I could write, but I'm a REALLY big fan of "decision tree" conversation with such things. (ie., reaction to one thing lets me decide how to present my next point). If I were going no-contact, this would not be such an issue, but I am open to being friends, as we have a lot of interests in common. I realize I've created my own problem with this.

My access to therapy is in jeopardy. Guess when? Yeah, when he'd be coming back here. Sigh.

I spent over an hour washing refrigerator shelves and all kinds of other things to finally get my kitchen back in a proper state. Luckily the "fix" attempt seems to have worked, so the fridge temperature is appropriate again. At least it motivated us to scrap some old stuff that lurked in the back.

I want to do a lot of work on hubby's project today and tomorrow. I want this stage DONE before Monday. Next week will be a little stressful. I need to cut down on the stress. I'd like the time to concentrate on casual fun projects like...Yes, my Christmas cookie blog post project. I'm still waiting for hubby to translate a recipe. He's so busy that that's a very low priority for him.

I asked my husband to have a nice picture created of my late parrot. He seemed so absent in the room where he always resided. Hubby had two of them made, but sadly I don't like them. [I didn't tell him that.] I don't like his selections of pictures. One is a glass portrait of my parrot looking elsewhere (not at me). It seems to emphasize a distance between my parrot and me, which didn't really exist. The other has three photos. They are so small that I can barely see them. The biggest one in that "collage" was taken literally two days before he died. When I look at it, it reminds me that he was surely very sick that day. I guess I could have ordered the pictures myself, but hubby had been getting such things made in the past. I didn't know what outfit he used. I assumed he would have picked better photos. It's not his fault, of course, but they are a little bit of a letdown. I feel a little bad that I am not as appreciative as I should be.

Yesterday's money expenditures made everything worse. I'm so stressed. I'm trying to calm down. I know how I can calm down but that's not accessible not to mention the fights that will ensue. So I'm stuck trying to find constructive ways to deal. I'm suppose to be doing a breathing exercise but it's complicated. I've only slept 3.5 hrs. My sister is on her way over. I told my mom I wasn't sleeping and the pdoc upped my meds.

Thanks, WC.

I don't want to tell my parents I'm feeling down. I don't want them knowing. My mom is already going through a lot of crap right now and I know she doesn't need another thing on her plate to worry about.

I'm sure this depression will go away within a week or two w/ an increase in my rexulti dose. I know I was stable on 4mg. It just sucks that I have to go back up in dose again, but it is what it is. I'll have to explore other options with a new pdoc if/when I get one. I just have to time the pdoc switch right so that I don't run out of meds while on a waiting list. I'm thinking about asking my therapist if she knows of any psychiatrists/NPs that are leaving the practice. (I don't want to ask for a new pdoc when someone else is leaving, because that means the waiting list will be 3+ months long. I know that firsthand, especially since it took me 6 months to get this current one.)

I haven't been here very much. I feel blah, not happy or sad, not hypomanic or depressed. When I get like this my words just dry up. Sorry for not participating more.
Yesterday I went to the dentist for the first time in almost 7 years. I was on disability and had no dental insurance until Sept 1. It took 90 minutes to clean my teeth, and I only have my bottom teeth left. Thankfully they froze my jaw first, so it didn't hurt much. My gums are in bad shape and I'm losing a front tooth. I'm glad the appointment is over but I have to go back in 3 months. I hate going to the dentist and always have. Apologies to any dentists here.

I am broken beyond repair. This damn world will be better off without me.

.....

Oh! Thanks for the reminder about light boxes! It is a great idea to get started! I think I will do the same!

It can be tough to work things out with an "ex." I am sure you know this better than do I. I find it tough to have my H living within 2 miles of me at this time. This is a small town, so to speak, and we are very apt to run into each other most anytime. I am just not ready to meet up with him that way. I need our interactions to be scheduled and structured for now.

I truly think it is possible for some people to eventually be "friends" of some sort. I think many prove this by successfully sharing custody of children. etc.

I am also sometimes sensitive to "criticism," especially when I am trying hard. i have been learning from my niece, in many ways. She has been having a tough time at work and when she is "criticized," she is not shaken at all. She maintains her confidence and her self-esteem. No injuries. No shifting into any self-deprecating thoughts, etc. She is just... well, she has my heart!

It is always great to hear from you, filling us in on how your life is going!
I look for your posts daily.

It's a great idea to find pictures you like and have them around you!
I have a picture of my late service animal that I really like (I have many) and I have that in the area of the house where I spend most of my time.
It can be very soothing when anyone is at the point when it is more helpful than not. I know it upsets some people to handle things this way; yet, we are all different.

My sister has had very nice water colors done of her pets, some while alive and some after they have passed. It makes for a wonderful tribute to their relationships with one another.

I hope you find pictures that are "just right."

I hope the Rexulti will help sooner than later.
You are very bright and will take things a step at a time, I am sure!

Finances can be incredibly stressful.
I grew up in poverty. As I grew older and went out on my own, I had found that I carried extreme anxiety about money and bills. Even when I did have enough to pay all of the bills, I was a shaking basket case whenever I had to sit down to pay bills. Financial anxiety can be disabling, I know.

Alternative methods of dealing with stressors can take a lot of practice.
It took me awhile to find/practice healthy alternatives.

Has the med increase helped at all yet with sleep?
I hope you have found a way to deal with such intense anxiety.

I’m really pushing my husband about a light box, not for me but for HIM !

Winters gray skies always pisses him off and then he gets depressed, he’s on Zoloft and it’s working well , but winter is hard for him , being cooped up inside doesn’t help.

He’s just being so stubborn about it.

Hugs everyone ~

Great idea!

Then you can both benefit from using one. You may find that each of you has an ideal amount of time and frequency when using it, of course.
I hope he will be open-minded this season!

I have used my light box a couple of days already. In fact it always stays on my desk and I just turn it on whenever it's too grey and I start to feel depressed. I used it for the first time last year and it made winter a little easier I think.

Shoot...I'm feeling down today

My mother came over to visit for lunch and I think I said a total of maybe 20 words for the 3.5 hours she visited. At least my wife and son kept her busy.

What? 2 check-ins in one day? Unprecedented! (Or maybe it isn't. After almost 10 years, one loses track...)

Anyhow! This is just a little "because I don't have anyone else to tell" thing that's just rattling around in my head.

Tonight, on my way home from work, I saw that a local tribute band was playing. Tonight. (Why oh why did I not finish reading the paper that would have informed me of this YESTERDAY?!) I've always meant to see them. Got home and looked up further information. Turns out it's their last show. And I am just too wiped out to venture out (and would have had to head out shortly after getting home, and would prefer to take a shower). Ok, I told myself, not that big a deal. Then it hit me -- it would be full of guys who share my musical taste! Damn!!!! But I am just.soooo.tired! Oh well. Just another small torment. Add it to the pile, lol.

Ok there it is. Dumb, I know, but it will gnaw at me. Who knows what might have been....
Nothing probably.

Only got a few hours of sleep again. Was feeling extremely hyper last night so made myself take one of my prns and get some sleep, definitely not nearly enough but at least it was something. I baked cookies to give to my sister, no special occasion just thought it would be nice to do for her. They're butter wafer cookies with a coffee glaze.

I'm starting the jillian micheals 30 day shred workout program today, very excited. I'm determined to lose weight!