Bipolar check in #37

I am glad you are feeling real again. I also wanted to comment I am impressed that you are pushing yourself to do the class especially given how you've been feeling and how scary that must be. I think you should be proud of yourself for the steps you are taking recently.

I went to N3s piano lesson with him today. Was good. He just has to memorize!

I finished "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher today. Trying to read the other book I ordered with it (another author) but frankly, "Madness" is a hard act to follow. I'm waiting to get another book by Hornbacher- this one came first; its about her eating disorder.

I haven't taken any extra Haldol lately. But the team at my pdocs office keeps checking up on me. They called today. I erased the post on my blog about this subject - i dont want to scare everybody away from thinking Im a crazed serial killer. I think i may have scared off one of my favorite friends, in fact. He hasnt said so but I havent heard from him since. He's my penpal since 2003.

Even though I am sitting on 3/4 of my original Lithium dose my body and mind are still adjusting. I had tried to taper lower but things got bad so I jumped back up. That was five days ago and while some of the worst symptoms calmed down immediately I still feel unstable. My emotions are just so damn strong. Last night I couldn't stop crying. I feel so alone in all this. I have few friends who I rarely see and a partner who is very self-absorbed right now. It just hurts to exist, but it is also a great joy. I am very anxious too. It comes in waves. My mood is starting to waver too. Yesterday I felt down, even suicidal at times. I literally had to sit on my hands for a bit, stay still, and wait out the impulse to harm myself. It was intense. ****ing Lithium. I am determined to push through and come off it but I am not going down any further until my emotions calm down. On the plus side the nausea Ive had has led to me losing a little weight as I struggle to eat much.

This morning I went for another long walk along the beach. It calms me, and is good exercise. My energy is returning but I am still weary, just not bedridden. Soon I am heading to my parents place to 'babysit' their house while they are in Bali. It is a hassle packing and all but they have the most amazing stereo system and giant TV so it should be fun. My partner is coming too. He is also dealing with med changes (also Bipolar) so we are both on edge. I just hope we can relax together and not get on each others nerves. My future is a blank slate. I am trying to figure out my path forwards. While I do that I am just doing what I can to stay healthy, get my meds sorted out, and stay stable and out of hospital. I need to get a job soon but feeling so emotionally volatile and anxious makes that impossible for now. My whole life has been a fight for survival. I am tired of fighting. I want to play and laugh more.

Do you know what helped you to understand (to feel) you are "real?" I don't know, I'm just relieved.

Struggling lately. Have been constantly covering people not coming to work lately. I don't think my office has been full staffed in 3 weeks. When I cover, MY work load piles up. I'm so stressed and burned out. I'm getting mad because I can't take my vacation time. Every morning I get anxious and sick to my stomach to go to work. The stress is causing mood issues too. I spent almost all day Sunday in bed. My pdoc raised my mood stabilizer slightly, and I've been taking extra gabapentin to try to calm my nerves when I get to work. I so desperately need people to do their jobs and come to work. I feel like I'm going to fall apart.

Slept approx an hour as soon as I went to bed. Then awake all night.I am exhausted.
I hope everyone has a good day!

Yes I think it is due to my job. The last time I was a teacher it went the same way. By the end of October I was psychotically depressed. I hope that won’t happen this time. I don’t think it will as the depression doesn’t seem to be getting worse, yet. And at least I have more support now.

I won’t hurt myself. It would scare RS too much. I haven’t told him my feelings though. I don’t want him to worry about me.

I got 3.5 before waking up and not being able to get back to sleep...

Taking the day off from work because I am mentally exhausted from being so busy. Though at least I got some fresh air this morning when I went to target with my dad to get some stuff. Then I'll be picking up my laptop today since it’s been repaired, so that'll be more fresh air.

Otherwise, not planning on doing much else for the day. Just want to relax and do nothing. I need a day off. Ugh. Then tomorrow is back to the grind.

I hope everyone has a lovely day today.

We arrived at our vacation destination in the mountains by the lake yesterday afternoon. The environment is lovely looking, but not perfectly ideal. There is a major highway not too far away, and unfortunately, you can hear the traffic despite the distance. I have to say that it is also a little chillier and windier than expected. Right now (9:15 am) it is only 58 F (14 C ), but it should reach the low 70s F most days. One night's low will only be 47 F (8 C). Now I can officially say I am experiencing autumn. I had been saying that for a month, despite it still being summer. Even some leaves where I am are already changing colors, but we were told that is only so this early because they have been having a drought, which is obviously not a good thing.

We've been relaxing so far and the coming days should be generally relaxing. Again, hubby does need to do some work for a consulting project. I plan to grill a lot. Not just because I love grilled food, but because they put the smoke alarm almost literally right above the stove top. I only just browned some chicken in a pan and the smoke alarm kept going off.

Perhaps being in the mountains with the very different weather has made my hands and feet swell a little. Nothing that noticeable, visually, but I feel it.

Hi! It is great to have you here with us!
I am sorry you are having a tough time.

You have a position which requires a lot from you. When you are the manager, you have no choice but to provide coverage when your employees do not show up. I used to have to do this, too.. After awhile, it gets old.

What can you do to get more rest?
How can you do y our job AND take care of yourself?

It is possible to delegate to an employee who is present?

I know you sometimes get very tired by the weekends and have to rest all weekend.

How is your son doing?

I hope you can think of some creative ways to catch a break?

Please take great care~

Any chance you can catch a nap today? Or maybe sit outside in nature with your eyes closed and your thoughts quiet for a bit?

I'm sorry you are so exhausted. I know it feels awful. I'll be sending good thoughts for a more restful evening for you.

Sleep deprivation is so hard. I am sorry you only got an hour last night, Wild Coyote. Maybe, as fern46 suggests, you can lie down for a little while today and catch up a bit. Hopefully tonight you will rally. I am new here, so I don't know much about everyone yet. Do you normally take something for sleep and does it usually work? I stopped all my sleep meds, so I am flying on my own now, which is sometimes interesting. Sending positive vibes your way!!

I didnt wake up until 1:30 this afternoon. Blah.

I have been fairly productive today with the things I needed to take care of and did some other stuff too, so that is off my plate.
I am in this doom and gloom BLAH stage still. it has been going on for a long time now. Just cant seem to get out of it.
I need med adjustments and my appt cant come fast enough it seems. I think I might give them a call and see if they have any cancellations.

Hi fern,
Bless you!

Thanks for reminding me. I forget to spend time in touch with the earth. Duh!
It will help me a lot to ground. I rarely touch the earth , which is not helpful.

By the way, have you heard of "earthing blankets?"
Earthing & Grounding Products | The Original Grounding Innovators – Earthing.com

I appreciate you!

I appreciate you too! I had actually spent a few days without much time outside and I realized I needed to recharge. I spent time jumping around like a happy fool on our trampoline with my little one and then later spent some quiet time with my flowers watching the hummingbirds with the sun on my face. It felt great! I try to do something like this once a day, but I forget once in a while. It is still crazy hot here, but I am looking forward to some cooler temps soon.

No, I have never heard of those. It makes sense though in the same way people wear crystals or other natural materials on their body to connect. Going to the source feels the best though. Get your feet in the dirt!

Had a really tough day today. Strong urges to self harm, serious depression and anxiety. I was ready to straight up quit but I don’t want to be without a job, it took me months to find a job the last time I had to quit teaching. I signed up for the local DVR. I hope I can talk to someone there soon and find out what I need to do to maybe find another type of job. I don’t know. I keep telling myself to push through because it might be a short episode and then I’ll feel better, so that’s what I’m doing.

I feel so down. I feel bad about that. I feel like I’m bringing everyone down. I just want to disappear. I don’t understand how people feel like this for weeks on end without doing something drastic. I’m ready to do something drastic and it’s only been five days. Maybe I’m just weak.

Ok I will stop complaining now. Today, a student sat with me and read a story out loud with me. She was the only one, but it’s something.

Well my Jerky acting lungs are now getting an additional inhaler “ Breo” to go with my Symbicort.

Unless I get really bad again my NP Pat and I agree that steroids might help my lungs but could easily land me IP.

So recheck in a week. Looking back it’s been almost 5 years since I had Asthma problem this bad and so long.

I’m sure this double up with a stronger inhaler is going to get things back to normal

I hope you’ll come to a decision that brings you peace as relates to your job. I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Please take excellent care of yourself and give yourself credit for hanging in there. I don’t think you are bringing anybody down. Sending hugs and positive vibes.

I hope this double up works for you. You deserve a break.

My NP was pleased and my meds will stay as is. Yay!

We have people replacing part of our deck and weather proofing it. They’ve also decided to do some other odds and ends related to that. It’s greatly appreciated. These are friends of 40 odd years and yet I’m finding myself really anxious as they work in and around the house. Tomorrow some folks are coming by to take care of the shrubs. I’m so frustrated with myself. I’d like to be more laid back and easy going (re: goodbye anxiety).

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I think Comcast is stalking me. Does Comcast do targeted ads on TV or something? I have a TV and internet package with Comcrap and I keep getting Vraylar, Trintellix, therapy, and other psych related commercials. Like what? It's not just one channel. It's SEVERAL. I can't get away from it! Or maybe it's just coincidence...?

Anyway, had a good day today. Took the day off, but I cleaned a lot... namely the bathroom. Also cleaned up my iPad because it had gunk stuck in the case and under the screen protector. Then I applied a new screen protector.

I'm about to go to bed soon now that I've accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish (minus bringing my Target goods back with me to my apartment, as I forgot them at my parents' house). I just hope tomorrow will be a productive day as well.

Hi bluebicycle. Everybody gets those Vraylar commercials, and many others. Big pharma knows they can make ultra big money on these new brand name drugs. They all include "Ask your doctor if X is right for you." And they even often include "If you can't afford X, Big Pharma Giant may be able to help." But don't take that last statement as some good will. It's only meant to sound like good will. They count on getting people hooked and keeping them hooked on the med long-term. They're bribing various doctors to prescribe their meds, too. And are in cahoots with private insurance companies.

I'm watching "Awakenings".

I did it again today: I stayed in bed or on the couch ALL day- all but 4 hours of it since last night asleep! I don't know what my problem is. Extreme laziness? Depression? I was just lolling around in bed in and out of consciousness. Sleeping a great deal of it.

N3 got himself and his gf stuck at Buffalo Wild Wings. I had to go get them in the dark. But on the way, the road was blocked and people going my way were backed up bumper to bumper. I finally got to the intersection and turned right toward BWW. Good thing, too- the road was either blocked or more cars were getting off the highway there. Police and ambulance with lights blaring. So I picked them up and the way back was free and clear.