Am i a failure??

Hello everyone. So, the reason im writing this is because a question has been rounding my head lately: Am i a big failure??.
I was diagnose with bipolarity ten years ago. At that time i was an excellent student. Good grades, big expectations, big dreams. But after two episodes my cognitive status change. I had severe memory and concentration problems that didnt allow me to study (i was studiying medicine, so i have to memorice a lot). This problems started to be less severe, but my brain was never the same again. I tried to start again my studies, but i just keept faling, i just could not retain information. So finally i droped school (because i could not afford to pay all the years that was was taking me to finish the damn courses). Then i started a technical career, that was simpler but at least give some skills to work.
The thing is, i just keep reading all this amazing stories of smart and talented people who overcame the disease and now have tons of diplomas and degrees, while im just here being a piece of garbage.
Am i really the most untalented and dumb bipolar in the world?.
It have been 10 years, and i feel my life stoped the day all of this started. I have a job, im good at what i do, but its just a routinarie work that anybody can do. I havent achive nothing in my 30 years of living.
I would love to hear your stories, i dont know what i did wrong. I really tried. I really wanted to be a professional, to have a career, make my mom proud, but nothing worked in the end.

Thanks for reading

PS: im not native english speaker, so maybe there going to be wrong words or sentences

Hi Brienne welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are feeling bad about yourself. It sounds like you have not been able to accomplish everything you wanted to, but you have still achieved things. You still went back to learn a technical skill as you said, and you are still working in the way that you are able to. I am sure you have achieved other things, too. It's not your fault you are dealing with mental illness and that it affected your plans. Are you being treated for bipolar?

Hi Brienne, I think maybe you see a failure, but I see a tremendous story of a fighter. It would have been easy to leave school and give up, but you didn't. You searched and found something you could do and went for it. You provided for yourself while you dealt with your diagnosis. I know you seek approval from your mother, but you need to start with your own. Give yourself credit for all that you've achieved. You can maybe do something else one day. Don't lose hope. There are so many ways to add value in this life. It doesn't have to be professional. Widen your sight a bit and you might see the endless possibilities. Find something that makes you happy. That road always takes you someplace great.

simple answer. NO. You are not a failure, you are a fighter and a survivor.

no ur not.

ive been homeless, lost good jobs, etc even though i have a college degree.

i often think i failed but as long as ur alive u can choose to strive forward.

You're not a failure, @Brienne! Like ALL the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely and wonderfully said, you're a FIGHTER! You've been able to find a job and to learn some skills despite your struggles. Please don't compare yourself with others. Everyone is different and has his own struggles to get through. You've been able to make something out of yourself even though you've been struggling. You were able to work around your struggles and improve yourself, find a career. Isn't that a success story in his own right? So please, be proud of yourself! You've been able to accomplish SO MUCH! I definitely understand how you feel as I feel like a failure myself. But that doesn't mean that YOU are! So please, be kind to yourself! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if there are some struggles you want to talk about or if you need advice and support or even just want a friend or if you want someone to talk to or vent to. I'll ALWAYS be available for you and I'll try to get back at you AS SOON AS I POSSIBLY CAN! THAT'S A PROMISE! I am SURE plenty of others will also gladly and wonderfully help you out as well fi you reach out to ANYONE HERE! THAT'S A PROMISE! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Brienne, your family, your mother, your friends, your doctors, your staff, your nurses, your relatives, ALL the people you Love and you care about who ALSO Love you and who care about you as well and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking!

You're not a failure. I believe you did the best you could do. And I also believe you have achieved many different things.

Hi, thank you. And yes, I'm currently being treated for bipolar with valproic acid (1000 mg), carbamazepine (300 mg) and bupropion (300mg)

You're not a failure at all! You did nothing wrong! This disease is incredibly challenging to live with and many people live barely getting through life because of it. Some end up jobless and homeless. Just overcoming it, having a steady job, and making it thus far is such an immense obstacle and is a huge feat that you should give yourself a pat on the back for.

It's hard to readjust your life when you had it all planned out. I was suppose to work for X company doing Y projects. I couldn't get through school either. Unlike you even tech school I couldn't get through even medicated. For me stability is my goal. I'm not a failure, neither are you.

Thanks for your kind words

It´s so weird because in this and many other forums i have read stories like that from people who struggled a lot more than me. But on the other side a lot of specialists and sometimes another pacients have told me that this is a "simple" disease, that is the most "easy" phsyciatric disease, that is just a matter of finding the right medication and everithing is gonna be alright. But a lot of people struggle for a lot of years, in opposition of what books says about bipolarity.
And it sucks because for a lot of year they make me feel like ****, like i didnt try enough, but then i found this forums and found out that maybe im not that bad after all.
I dont know what to beleive at this point.

I just answerd another comment before this that mention that a lot of people struggle with jobs and school. It gives me a little peace to know that im not alone, because a lot of specialist have told me that this is an easy disease, that is easy to control. But it cant be right if so many of us are struggling even with the medication. Something is really wrong about this. Or maybee is just my ****** country and it ****** medical system hahahahaha
I hope you find that peace we all are looking for.

No. You are not a failure.

NO one asks for mental illness.

We have an invisible disease. People don't get it.
The very worst thing you can do, is to compare your life to others.

I know from experience about doing that. The BEST thing you can do is to make a realistic plan / goal for yourself you know you can accomplish.

Take baby steps. Tread lightly but with determination.

You can do it. It also really helps if you are single and don't have that distraction in your life to accomplish those baby steps.

Google is your friend. Research and research some more. It may not come to you overnight. But that is what makes it all the more worth it in the end.

Give yourself a break. You can only do so much with what you have.
We have a debilitating mental illness that just plain sucks.

If you live your life trying to please others, you will always be disappointed.

I am really sorry to hear people make you feel like you didn't try hard enough. That doesn't sound like the case at all, and it's terrible people are making you feel that way. I think you can believe your experience. People can say it "should" be "simple", but we aren't textbooks and the reality is that it's not so easy for many people. I hope you find support here and in other areas of your life from people who understand mental illness and don't judge you.

Sounds like some very ignorant, naive people who are trying to act "smart" over something they have little apparent real-world understanding of. I think we are all fighters dealing with this MI, struggling through our lives, trying to make one despite this albatross around our necks. We still learn to float, at least with me, much of the time.

There are cognitive aspects to this MI currently being researched. I call this my having "cognitive deficits" that comes with my illness. Sometimes I have trouble communicating with simple words. Now words that I did not remember even knowing quickly come to mind. I do also have focus issues. Much of it is also cyclic, but not necessarily in time with my mood cycles. Then there can be serious memory issues of past events,

There is nothing easy about bipolar disorder. The struggles are real and many people go through it without ever finding the right meds or therapy. I think providers often simply do not understand how powerful the mind is. I told my therapist, who is amazing and understands a lot about bipolar, that she can never truly understand unless she one day experiences her mind taking over and driving despite the best efforts of her own will. Losing control of yourself is a life altering experience and you simply cannot fully understand until you live it. It can be incredibly hard and we have to forgive ourselves and be kind to ourselves. We have to love ourselves despite the choices we have made that we wish we could undo. We have to remain hopeful and take control in the moment of what we can. Doctors don't tell you that. It would perhaps be 'easier' to deal with this diagnosis if they did.

Yeah, as you said, this is a really debilitating mental illness. I wish everybody could understand that. Thank you for your words. Right now im living the way you suggest. Baby steps. Thankfully i have a job, and im trying to do small plans. Like "this week im gonna do this and that". Thats all. Small plans and small victories. Thats the only way i found to keep myself alive right now.
But stop comparing myself to others its so hard. After all we live in a competitive society. Everything its about winning the game of life, and i really feel that i lost a long time ago.

OMG, i felt the same. Exactly as you said. Communication problems memory problems, concentration problems. Its like hell sometimes. I used to study Vetrinary Medicine and it was really the worst combination of problems for a career based on memorizing stuff hahaha. Then i studied something thecnical that help me to focus because its based on repetitive tasks combinated with creativity. But there are times that i really feel that i became iliterate. I feel so dumb, its like my brain lost connection with my mouth or hands (in case i have to write something). Its so good to hear im not alone in this. I mean, it doesnt make it good, but i least im starting to believe that im not the failure i though i was.
And about the memory of past events, I have 2 years of my life totally lost. From the year it all started I only remember about 10 moments. And then, after the second crisis I have about 4 months totally blank. It's very weird ..

Yes, it would be a lot easier. This illness change a lot of things in our life, and they spect that we keep living like nothing happend. Like of its a flu that we have to wait to pass and then keep with our normal activities. I don't know if its a problem just in my country, but somentimes i feel like specialists lost the sense of reality. It is like they studied so much, that they forgot that they are treating with human beings. And sadly they are the "voice of authority", so the way in which society perceives us is based on what they said about us,
which makes it worse when we try to get our environment to understand or accept us.

I feel that way about one of my doctors. She keeps her distance and like you said she seems to forget we are humans. I wonder if that is a protective mechanism that some doctors use to handle all of the incredibly sad stories they hear with their patients. I imagine getting more involved and really relating to us would make them somewhat vulnerable. I imagine she behaves this way because she's afraid of what might happen to her if she connected on a deeper level.

No problem Brienne. We all have each other here at PC to compare and to get advice from each other. Sometimes seeing things from someone like yourself with the same ailments is very beneficial. I have found a huge amount of knowledge and support here. At first it was really weird, but that passed quickly once I found things and people that connected with me.

I am a firm believer in that people who do not have the same illness as us, is able to comprehend the severity of what we go thru on a minute by minute basis. It is impossible for them to really "get it". Baby steps are all I have sometimes to get me thru the windfall of crap that this disease brings with it.

I understand what you mean about winning the game of life and looking back on your past self. It can be very defeating to do that, then again it can be helpful too. You just have to remember, you are here now and that's what matters. Keep your head up. Things will change.

A certain amount of darkness is necessary in order to see the stars.

Brienne, eres muy impresionante por lo que has hecho. De un punto de vista tienes éxito. De verdad, pienso que debes estar orgullosa de ti misma.

Saludos, y bienvenida a Psych Central.

Some quotes about success and failure that I like are as follows. When you read them, please try to ignore who said them. Try to think about them for yourself and for all of us here.

"Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts." - Winston Churchill

"Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value." - Albert Einstein

"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

"Success isn't just about what you accomplish in your life; it's about what you inspire others to do." - Unknown

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember--the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you." - Zig Ziglar

“Much in life is simply a matter of perspective. It's not inherently good or bad, a success or failure; it's how we choose to look at things that makes the difference.” - David Niven

I think you’ve done really well. Comparing yourself to others, or your expectations, won’t accomplish anything and can make you feel worse.