been rolling for about five weeks now. far too active, meeting with my city councilor and such nonsense. championing free public transit, making myself a target for The Haters and my life cannot bear close scrutiny as i'm not "out" about my bipolar. two of my neighbors mocked insulted and ridiculed my joy over our new subway which is just SPECTACULAR!!! Oh so beautiful! i've been following the project since it's inception ten years ago and it just makes my heart expand that it's finally open! the stations knock your eye out, all concrete and glass panels and steel and intriguing public art and the train is a marvel, so smooth. everyone in the city is going mad with excitement over our new subway.

except for The Haters. there's three of them. one woman is so openly and staunchly racist she is a de facto white supremacist. when she uttered racial slurs in my presence four years ago i cut off all associations with her. but i stayed friends with her best friend as i thought she was very nice and helped me with my dog and was generous with giving me her nice things that she wasn't using and i appreciate that.

but she insulted me about my joy over our subway. sure, it was a flawed project, over-budget and overdue, but it's here now and why don't we just all say: THAT TRAIN HAS SAILED!!! haha!!!!!!! anyways i distanced myself after the insults and thought we could just co-operate re the care of my dog.

then a third friend of their's, a young man new to the building, highly educated and bright and working with victims of violent crime and teaching a course in "victimology" at college and getting his Ph.D. mocked and insulted my joy over my mission of free public transit, attacking my integrity and competency. it was all very personal and upsetting and so very unexpected from such an erudite young man with a vocation re working with vulnerable minorities who have been victims of violent crime. i thought he'd be a supportive ally! no, instead he undermined my confidence. quite successfully as i have abandoned my mission of free public transit. i just can't be a target for hatred.

later that night i got to thinking about how their racist sentiments were the kind of thinking that killed six million Jews and getting more and more scared and crazed about how the one who helped me with my dog had a key to my apartment. my neck started stinging and got all red and mottled and my chest too and i had a rushing sensation in my lower back hips and i had trouble moving and thinking. i wanted my key back so badly but it was after dark and i was too scared to go get it.

it was an intense fear reaction as the incidents of verbal abuse triggered past trauma with my physically and sexually abusive brother, gas-lighting alcoholic mom and verbal, emotional and psychological abuse from my dad. i'm very hyper-vigilant about verbal abuse. i know the parties involved were wrong and i have a right to be upset but probably not to have such a huge reaction -- sure it's because of my past being triggered but at any rate i still have to deal with the fear and anxiety and honor my emotions but not make things worse by escalating them, try and ride them out with calm.

so i called the crisis line and they said take a friend with me to get the key so i did that and it went okay and the next day i changed the locks in case a copy had been made. then i just tried to stay calm in my home and only go out for my dog's potty. but i had planned a trip with a group and i just couldn't face three days of no privacy and forty new people and two noisy musicals. my senses are raw and frayed and i jump at any little sound in the building.

so i got a medical certificate from my doctor and now have to submit an administrative nightmare of paperwork to the travel insurance company to get a refund. aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

anyways, you'd think this intense fear reaction would be enough to douse my hypomania but no, here it is 4:00am and i'm wide awake. i'm on Lamictal for the first time in my life (a cocktail, other meds too) and i don't know if it's good for me. i feel really, really high and am worried i will do something catastrophic. i'm all chaotic and twirly. i changed my bank code and forgot it so now i can't use my debit card. i lost my reading glasses for a few days and couldn't read anything. i had a whole conversation with someone and later i completely forgot it, couldn't remember a thing. i asked our new building cleaner for help washing my windows when i don't know the guy from Adam and it's not a good idea to have a stranger in my home.

i'm so scared i've been wearing surgical masks out to make like i have a communicable disease to discourage people from talking to me. i also wear a black cap black hoodie with the hood up and put all the crap from my purse in my packsack to erase all trace of femininity and my cab driver still called me "beautiful lady" three times! wha?

been doing totally uncharacteristic stuff like attended two football games in a huge stadium and having a ball when i've rejected pro sports all my life because my mom was a fan. i'm having a good time but wondering "who is this person?" having an identity crisis. i seem to be able to charm and persuade people easily and it is giving me delusions of grandeur. i've been tripping on this musical group which does Mormon oratory set to rousing soundtracks and studying an undergrad thesis on the power of Mormon oratory and starting to speak like a Mormon leader. it's all great fun and laughing and laughing but i am soooooooooooooo over-the-top.

i've discovered this Overeaters Anonymous group that i looooooooooove, the women are so loving and spiritual and accomplished and effective and competent and yet so very troubled by relationships with food. i'm sure overjoyed to have found this wonderful group of women but when i share i am partly practicing my public-speaking skills, oratory!

i'm having delusions that i am destined to be a great leader, that all my long years of suffering will finally come to fruition and i will be a mover-and-shaker and make a difference and see justice done. i don't know. i guess i have SOME skills re leadership and public-speaking and oratory but it's better for me just to do art. i can't deal with the barbs of the general public and you have to have a thick skin to be a leader so that's probably not gonna happen.

have been writing like David Foster Wallace himself, like a fiend, like a whirling dervish, like a demon, like i'm possessed. done a nice installation of visual art too with a cool lighting effect of this flexible strip of LED lights -- so bright -- with magnetic tape drawn out of an old Bob Marley cassette tape. it's pretty nifty if i do say so myself. art is so much more appropriate for me as a passion than leadership. i can do it privately and if i never show anyone, well it'll be there when i pass and can be made public. talking more about my journals here as have been writing every day for 17 years and they might be of interest to a psych student to write a thesis. i know that sound grand but i think my writing shows the thought processes of a bipolar and that might be useful to academics.

anyways i'm real worried about myself and can't seem to calm down and act methodically and safely. my doctor asked me if i'm hypomanic and i mean, how would i know? i just babbled incoherently. you don't ask a drunk if they're drunk, do you? you don't ask an addict if they're high. why ask a bipolar if they're hypomanic? how would i know anyways?

so what are some things i can do to calm down and stay safe and stop all the chaotic behavior?

[TunedOut]

Force yourself to go to bed at the same time every night? Even if you just lay there and meditate in some way? When my mind is racing at bedtime--I take 1/2 a Xanax (it is .5 mg--I have taken a whole one maybe a couple of times a year). Also, when our thoughts are racing, it is important to just force yourself to do less (post less, don't work overtime, don't start writing novels or clean the house for hours and hours)--rather, take relaxing walks in nature or anything else that forces you to slow down. If that doesn't work--call the doc on Monday?

[fern46]

I'd start with telling your pdoc you are most definitely hypomanic and maybe even manic. Better yet, print this thread out and let them read it. I think it clearly outlines your symptoms.

I think TunedOut gave you some good advice of things you can try today to keep things under control. Keep writing here if it helps.

I think you were smart not to go on your trip. I hope the insurance process isn't too bad. Try to stay inside and busy with coping skills until you can see your doc again. Keep us posted ok?

Excellent public transportation is beautiful! Unfortunately, people do get shocked by hypomanic/manic fervor and even just normal happy fervor. However, if you feel joyous, be joyous!

I agree that you must tell your psychiatrist and therapist what you're experiencing. Also, trips while manic are generally a bad idea. I know from experience. My psychiatrist always discourages them.

I think racists hurt themselves and their nations. Not just the objects of their hate. "Hating is not fair!" I even wrote a blog post by that name. I've done some advocacy work that included topics like fighting mental health stigma and racism. That's a good way to do so.

Originally Posted by TunedOut

thanks so much "TunedOut"! we haven't met. i'm Jane, long-time member but absent for all of this year due to a long depression then this current awful high mood. you certainly gave me good feedback! i will strive to do the things you mentioned.

the only thing about bedtime is: i do *force* myself to bed at a reasonable hour. the problem is: it's like my current cocktail makes me "high" as a junkie would experience on heroin or fentanyl. i lay there for hours, enjoying myself, baking under my duvet and snuggling my dog.

Nine times out of ten i go under, i drop off into sleep, but last night i couldn't quite get there and got up after a few hours, when the high had worn off a bit. i *did* actually get to sleep at 5:00am and slept til 9:00am but that's just four hours -- not enough. really feeling like an addict on my current cocktail. stoned. high. worried i wouldn't be able to react if there was a fire alarm . . . . or intruder.

but i'll keep trying. walks in nature are healing of course. i went to four (4) parks yesterday with my friend who is a nature photographer and felt much better in the one with wide open spaces and paved walkways. i didn't care for the ones in the woods,with the enclosing sheltering trees which made me feel captive tho. will stick to parks with wide open spaces and long sight-lines.

i hear you about not starting any big projects. have started a big writing one with a master class with Joyce Carol Oates and have signed up to follow 73 different music genres on an underground music site. i'll put both projects on hold.

thanks for your time! will keep an eye on things and book with my doctor tomorrow morning if things don't improve. retching this morning. it's a bad sign when i'm so high i can't eat.

thank for the hugs!

Originally Posted by fern46

Keep us posted ok?

thanks fern46! i will keep you all posted. i so enjoy writing and it's so therapeutic!!!

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Unfortunately, people do get shocked by hypomanic/manic fervor.

i think you're on to something there, BirdDancer. i was speaking with "fervor" to this young man. he might have been shocked and taken aback or even frightened. good word "fervor." thanks so much -- i couldn't put my finger on what was going on and this is the word, "fervor." it was beyond passion! i'm such a mess!

have to keep a better lid on it. should be possible now that i have abandoned my mission of free public transit and gone back to doing art on my own, behind a locked door, in peace and privacy.

WHEW!!!

public life is not for me!!! what an odd thing to speak with "fervor" about, free public transit! nuts! i hope i didn't scare too many people off. i charmed a lot too tho. a lot of people were swept up by my passions and joy and my doctor said it was sad to abandon passions but this one puts me far too much in the spotlight and easy prey for those who desire the excitement of conflict. and of course *i* am getting far too excited as well.

i cancelled out of the project of free public transit with my city councilor and he said he "totally understood." he's a very sensitive and woke young man. he was so respectful when we met, i wonder if he could detect my bipolar? it was a group setting and he shook hands only with *me* both upon meeting and upon saying farewell. it was so conspicuous i wonder if he knows that i've been disrespected for having a mental illness and went out his way to show me respect?

at any rate i cried a little that night when i thought of it. such a genuinely good man and leader!

thanks for your support. did you get a new parrot?

Originally Posted by whatever2013

i think you're on to something there, BirdDancer. i was speaking with "fervor" to this young man. he might have been shocked and taken aback or even frightened. good word "fervor." thanks so much -- i couldn't put my finger on what was going on and this is the word, "fervor." it was beyond passion! i'm such a mess!

have to keep a better lid on it. should be possible now that i have abandoned my mission of free public transit and gone back to doing art on my own, behind a locked door, in peace and privacy.

WHEW!!!

public life is not for me!!! what an odd thing to speak with "fervor" about, free public transit! nuts! i hope i didn't scare too many people off. i charmed a lot too tho. a lot of people were swept up by my passions and joy and my doctor said it was sad to abandon passions but this one puts me far too much in the spotlight and easy prey for those who desire the excitement of conflict. and of course *i* am getting far too excited as well.

i cancelled out of the project of free public transit with my city councilor and he said he "totally understood." he's a very sensitive and woke young man. he was so respectful when we met, i wonder if he could detect my bipolar? it was a group setting and he shook hands only with *me* both upon meeting and upon saying farewell. it was so conspicuous i wonder if he knows that i've been disrespected for having a mental illness and went out his way to show me respect?

at any rate i cried a little that night when i thought of it. such a genuinely good man and leader!

thanks for your support. did you get a new parrot?

I'm hoping that once the climate change deniers fade away, or finally get educated, that public transportation will indeed improve. It's definitely a crucial part of the process to combat it.

Your passion is to be respected! Please don't let anyone take that away or make you feel otherwise. I know it's tough, but push on.

We will not get a parrot in the near future, or likely any pet. We may move abroad in a few years. Such a move would be stressful for any pet. We may get another after such a move. Of course we feel a deep sense of loss without our little guy or without one, in general.

[Wild Coyote]

Hey, Jane!

It is nice to hear from you! I think of you often.

It sounds like you have been working for a good cause!

One of the things I have seen mentioned /suggested over and over again, is to calm oneself by making all rooms as dark as possible day and night. I had seen anecdotal accounts of pdocs settling hypo and manic patients with at least 12 consecutive hours of darkness. JUst a thought.

Are you competing in Scrabble these days?

Please take great care and let us know how you are getting on?
Great to hear from you!

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

One of the things I have seen mentioned /suggested over and over again, is to calm oneself by making all rooms as dark as possible day and night. I had seen anecdotal accounts of pdocs settling hypo and manic patients with at least 12 consecutive hours.

hi Wild Coyote!

nice to see you too! i instinctively darken my rooms after sunset as it feel unnatural to have overhead lights on. i have lamps with dim diffuse gentle light and i try and keep only one on at a time. it *is* helpful to promote calm and sleepiness. i will redouble my efforts now that you have shared this research.

i haven't played Scrabble in months. sweet of you to remember! my game is stuck. i can't seem to advance to the next level. i miss all the people and they miss me and say just to come and play for the social aspect which is a good point. they are sure a nicer bunch of people than my neighbors.

hope you're well and your woes with your (ex-?)husband and health have resolved. will try and tune into the board and catch up on everyone's status.

hugs!

i went back to my IRL support group today and am i ever glad i did! as soon as i got into the neighborhood, which is a rough downtown area, i felt better. i was even amused by the panhandler who farted at me for not giving him any change! it was so funny and juvenile and harmlessly rude and cock-eyed! i passed an art house cafe with all the young artist and activists hanging out on the porch and felt right at home. i carried on to my drop-in where i was welcomed and delighted to see friendly familiar faces. i didn't realize how much i missed everyone. they started to play "Gladiator" and i said i couldn't watch a violent movie so they got me a charming coloring book and cheerful pencils and i turned my back to the movie and colored. i didn't mind hearing the dialogue from the movie which was surprisingly Left Wing. democracy and freedom and ethical leadership and overcoming corruption were values even back then!

i had a tough morning tho with diarrhea and chaos due to fear. i managed to change my debit card PIN and forget it and didn't write it down and my ID is not current so the bank won't let me get a new PIN. i'll have to apply for a provincial photo card which is sent in the mail, so about two weeks. i'll have to live off my credit card. not sure how much cash i can get out on it. have enough cash for the moment and will figure something out. will take daily draws to keep afloat until my debit card can be used again. the limit on my credit card is quite high so if i can't get cash off it i will still be alright. just another hassle i don't need right now. i had diarrhea all morning and couldn't eat til mid-afternoon but a new affordable coffee place has just opened near my drop-in so i was able to swallow a small meal and have kept it down.

i think part of the reason i have trouble with my neighbors is that they're so affluent and priviledged. they've never been destitute and homeless and strung-out in the downtown core of a metropolis. sure, they have suffered -- everyone does, everyone suffers, but it's just they've never suffered POVERTY. just losses of parents which is very sad and everything -- i'm not saying it's not. but the trauma of poverty is it's own particular type of Hell with it's own particular traumas and lessons and scars. i have the most affordable apartment in our condo building and i just don't feel i fit in with them. lots of them are lovely people but i feel we can't relate. sort of sorry i moved in here but i guess the key is not to associate with my neighbors and spend more time downtown with my peers -- all lovely screwball pals!

so that's where i'm at today. i sure don't feel my meds are helping at all, at all. i'm in the third month of a withdrawal from Seroquel and at this point all i feel my meds have done for me over 25 years is make me a fat addict. now i still have the same intensity of mood swings but just have to go to Overeaters Anonymous and when i can get to a benzo taper i'll have to go to Narcotics Anonymous. i'm thru with meds but will do a careful cautious withdrawal under my doctor's care and supervision and approval. it will probably take a few years to get rid of all the meds. i know from experience to go slowly with tapers.

so i have hope for the future in a daily routine that's more healthy for me by going to my drop-in and OA group and getting off meds EVENTUALLY and getting down to a healthy weight and getting physically fit. i did manage a walk today with my dog in addition to walking downtown to and from our BREATH-TAKING SUBWAY that is a joy to ride! such a pleasure, like we have a whole new city, a world class subway with soaring stations and all the newest intuitive design and ease-of-use features. it was a long wait but so worth it and so proud of my city!!!

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'm hoping that once the climate change deniers fade away, or finally get educated, that public transportation will indeed improve. It's definitely a crucial part of the process to combat it.

Your passion is to be respected! Please don't let anyone take that away or make you feel otherwise. I know it's tough, but push on.

thanks for your kind words re the importance of public transit which is indeed a part of the puzzle of solving global climate change which is of course the great crisis of our time. so uplifting to see the young activists taking on this paramount cause.

i do enjoy my passion but i don't see a role for me to play in making public transit free. i've spoken out to my fellow citizens as much as i can already and supported my city councilor so vigorously in his election (as free public transit was part of his platform and i thought it was a revolutionary idea from an inspiring new voice in city politics) -- i supported him so vigorously one woman asked how i liked "working for him"! i wasn't "working" for him! at least not for money! i wasn't even an official volunteer! i was just a concerned citizen helping to elect a young man with a new vision of doing the right thing for public transit and the planet in general. I like to think that i contributed to his success and now i am going to let others carry on with the cause.

sorry to hear you're without a parrot but understand completely about not wanting to get one when you are considering moving abroad. it's very responsible as a pet deserves a good stable life and you are aware of that. i get uneasy when i hear you talk about moving abroad tho. being so far from familiar health care systems and providers and familiar things in general can be quite challenging and even traumatic as i learned when i moved halfway across Canada. i came back after six months and was glad to return home, breathed an epic sigh of relief. and you're thinking of Eastern Europe, am i right? just concerned that you're prepared for all the challenges. you seen like a competent lady tho and i'm sure you will make the right decision. Not trying to undermine your confidence but i don't want to hear about my lovely BirdDancer unhappy in a strange land and curse myself for not saying anything..

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

...... i just don't feel i fit in with them. lots of them are lovely people but i feel we can't relate. sort of sorry i moved in here but i guess the key is not to associate with my neighbors and spend more time downtown with my peers -- all lovely screwball pals!

so that's where i'm at today. i sure don't feel my meds are helping at all, at all. i'm in the third month of a withdrawal from Seroquel and at this point all i feel my meds have done for me over 25 years is make me a fat addict. now i still have the same intensity of mood swings but just have to go to Overeaters Anonymous and when i can get to a benzo taper i'll have to go to Narcotics Anonymous. i'm thru with meds but will do a careful cautious withdrawal under my doctor's care and supervision and approval. it will probably take a few years to get rid of all the meds. i know from experience to go slowly with tapers.

Sorry about your physical struggles and loss of your PIN, etc. You do sound manic. I think we lose things more and get these big ideas about stopping all our meds forever when we get that way. Not that there is not a place for changing our drugs, it is just that sometimes we make unwise medication and drug choices when we are manic. Be careful about changing things when you are feeling this way. Take care of yourself and remember to be careful!!!

[bpcyclist]

I obviously do not know you, but it is concerning that you are talking about stopping all your meds while you are clearly sort of sounding kind of manic. I personally have made some of the worst decisions of my life when manic. I really hope you are getting some assistance with all this. Maybe take some time to reflect on it before you dive in.

In any event, I found stopping seroquel to be quite difficult. I did not feel myself for months. I hope you are doing all right. Hang in there. All the best!!

[~Christina]

Welcome back

We are so lucky DocJohn has made this safe place for us to just be ... just be ourselves and find support

[Wild Coyote]

Hey, Jane! How is it going?
Thinking of you and hoping all is well!