Bipolar check in #39

Hey, everybody. Good morning. I've been absent for a few days. Sorry. I went back a couple of days and read as best I could all the posts, not knowing where to begin. My brain is not really in a place to be very helpful right now--sorry. But I do want to send strength and support to everyone suffering physically right now and positive vibes and fortitude to those struggling psychically. I hope you all have better days today.

I actually didn't really want to come back, which is weird, because you all have been so incredibly helpful and supportive to me. I am so grateful, truly, and I didn't feel like not coming back as some kind of attention-grabber for myself. But I just feel like I am running in circles. I was horribly depressed/extremely suicidal a few weeks ago and then suddenly briefly a little psychotic, then hypomanic. And now, as of a couple of days ago, I am really psychotic, anxious, and paranoid. Convinced secret agents are in the hallway preparing to kick down my door. Convinced my upstairs neighbor above me has put microphones in my walls and cameras in my smoke detectors and oven. Hear voices and conversations all night long from the hall and upstairs neighbor apt. thru the floor, which I know is concrete. Hearing somebody whistle but there's no-one there. Seeing all kinds of crazy shadows on the walls and sneaking under my door. Terrified that I am going to die, but I don't know why that would happen.

Just lying in my bed, clutching my pillow and trying to breathe and pray before I am killed. I think I told my doctor that I was getting psychotic again on Friday, but not sure how bad I told him it was. I can't remember really.I did take all my medicine every day and night, that I know. Am now on Abilify 20 mg again and Zyprexa (can't remember how much and don't want to get the bottle right now because the bathroom is by my front door, where all those people are in the hallway). I don't know when I slept last, but I was u all last night and almost all the night before. Anxious, paranoid, doomful, hopeless, terrified, very, very confused. Not processing well. Too afraid to tell the TV on, which might distratc me, cuz I used to get special messages. Too afraid to leave apt., but I would have to go in hallway anyway and I won't do that. No way.

I'm so sorry to dump all this. Other people have major-league issues going on here that are far more worthy of attention. But I don't know what to do anymore. It all seems lost. Lost the ability to sleep. I guess 800 mg of Seroquel would do it, but I don't know what to do.

HI!
Might you be having a reaction to the darker days? Have you ever tried using bright light therapy?

I hope your pdoc can help out!

I am sorry you arehaving such a trying time.
It sounds like you are quite unwell right now.

So glad you have reached out. You and your welfare is as important as anyone's. Keep reaching out!

Please call your doctor as soon as you can do so. It's important your doctor know all that is going on for you. It's important your pdoc has the opportunity to help you to get through this.

You are important to your many friends here.
We care about you.
Please keep us posted?

I am so glad you are feeling better this afternoon!
I also find PC very helpful. We are all so fortunate to have such a great group of people participating here!

I hope you have a good evening as well!

Hey bpcyclist. I am so glad you gave us an update. I have been worried about you for several days. You're experiencing quite a heavy bout of psychosis. That must feel incredibly uncomfortable and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I know you don't want to open your door, but is there anyone you trust to come over and be with you for a while? I was thinking it might help if you can have a trusted friend or family member there to bounce ideas off of when you hear noises or think someone is in the hallway. They can go out and check for you or snap pictures for you to help your mind see it isn't really happening.

Also, have you tried music to block out the noises? I know you probably want to avoid triggering lyrics, but there is a lot of good relaxation music available on YouTube. I sent this one to a friend the other day. I've been listening to it lately.

I would definitely give your doctor a call back. I know you trust him and he needs to know you still haven't slept and that the psychosis is progressing. It sounds like you're in a mixed state and that can be pure Hell.

Do you also work with a therapist? Perhaps they can assist as well?

My only other thought is to reach out to a mental health crisis line in your area. They can speak with you and help calm you down and some have services to do in home visits. You could maybe give them a code word to use when they come so you know it is someone safe.

I think you did a good thing by reaching our here today. It was very brave of you. I hope nothing I've offered triggers you further. Only consider anything that feels right and toss the rest. Huge hugs to you, and keep posting if it helps. We all want to see you well again.

Hi everyone! It's been a minute. I was very stressed/busy this past week and hardly slept at all (which of course backfired on me). I knew that I needed to sleep, but had to get something done I felt, and ended up putting it ahead of my sleep. Well my brain went haywire and I felt agitated and extremely anxious. Just all in all not good. This past weekend I went on a trip with my SO and the first couple days my thinking was real wonky. Fortunately today, after a couple nights of decent sleep, I am doing a bit better.

I had therapy last week and my therapist mentioned maybe I should get tested for my attention issues to see if it's anxiety or something else like ADHD. For some reason I am intimidated by the thought of having a formal psych evaluation. I have this thought of what if I mess up and answer things inaccurately for me, then end up with the wrong diagnosis which will stay in my chart forever? I know that sounds like catastrophizing ( because it is haha). I am more open to the idea now that I am doing a bit better and think maybe I will call my psychiatrist to discuss.

I hope everyone is doing well. Sending compassion.

Its snowingstill. As soon as I brush the car off its covered in snow again.. The snow is past my ankles! I texted n3s piano teacher that we wouldnt be there today. (Is usually starting right now). She just said ok. Easy for her to say she hasnt cancelled lessons all tucked in warm and dry in her home studio...

It continues to baffle me as to how very important sleep is to stabilizing.

I am glad you are feeling better!
It's always a blessing to have you posting!

It's snowing here, too!

We are supposed to get just 7-9 inches overnight.
I find it so very pretty!
I have groceries incase the roads are late getting cleared tomorrow.
I love it!

I have to get n3 to work 20 normal driving minutes away by 6 am tomorrow. I think its supposed to stop snowing around midnight.

My cold went away, finally!

Also I'm feeling less mixed today. I don't have the fast thoughts and I'm not irritable, which is great.

I'm heading back to depressed but that's ok. Maybe it won't be as deep because of the Mirapex since I was starting to feel a little bit better before I got my cold.

Today the planet Mercury crossed between us and the sun, putting on a great show. I watched the whole time it took to go across...5.5 hours. Took lots of photos.

So it's official. I'm fighting pneumonia now. I have another doctor's appointment in a week - no work before then. My birthday is also this week so I'm disappointed that I have to be home sick.

I'll survive. Husband is being a turd about my coughing - it "bothers" him. I do have earplugs I can give him. I'm not even really coughing as much as you'd think I would be.

Sounds like he'd be much more comfortable sleeping on the couch!

So sorry you're sick. I hope the rest works well and you recover soon.

I hope your day has improved

Do whatever needs done to keep yourself safe

Yes !! Find a cute one !!!!!

Had appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist today. Doing well but still having some breakthrough paranoid/delusional thinking that comes and goes so one of my APs was increased.

It's supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow. Can't wait! I love snow and winter. I really prefer it to summer and spring.

I need to see my GP, will try to get a walk in appointment tomorrow if possible.

Might bake some cookies tomorrow

Hope everyone is well

Glad you got sleep and at least some of the dream stuck. I never have good interesting dreams. I’m so jelly

Congrats on him getting the job!! Sucks you have to tote him around all the time. Oh and being up such early hours ???? I’m glad he got a job

Oh no I hate that your going through this. Did your medications get changed ?

Oh your husband

So i just got good news guys! My boss finally sent in his letter of recommendation and now the Department Chair of the Department where I am applying to wants to have a interview with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just popping in to let everyone know that i am fine. Happy Winter!

Oh this cold front just kill me now, please.

Great news!!! Congratulations!!!

I was 19 when I first started recording my dreams. I took a course in Jungian dream symbols( nothing to do with my major, but back then I was manic and going to work full time and paying for my own college and could take any classes I wanted to take.. ) that lead to archetypes and Campbell. I spent years writing down dreams and trying to apply archetypes to my dreams even after the PTSD turned many to nightmares. So I think that's why I remember as much as I do. But man I really liked those boots. I looked up multicolored dr Martins and they had some cool boots but nothing like my dream boots