[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

I slept all of the morning only to be woken and told I have to move rooms. This is the third time I have moved. Once the air con broke, another I can't recall, and the third my neighbour was fixated on me and coming into my room. Now it is because I am closer to the nurses so can be monitored more easily by using less of their precious time. I understand and am ok with this recent move but I was just so exhausted and was sleeping so well it was making me feel better. This is kind of my pdoc's last ditch effort to keep me safe in an open ward. We both know being locked up will cause me harm - but so will dying.


I have been very emotional. It is like the dam that was holding back most of the pain in my life has burst. It hurts like hell, and makes me feel vulnerable but I also feel like this is progress. Holding back such powerful emotions, and pretending to be fine has come at a great cost. Now I feel relief when I weep. I was also able to have an honest discussion with my Mum about this and she was so supportive. Although I just fell off of a very high cliff I sense great inner healing is taking place because of it. Finally I have let go. Finally I am letting myself be me. I no longer have strong compulsions to kill myself. Instead I want to be real and authentic.


Don't get me wrong I am a mess. I just sense shift towards genuine sustainable healing. I am learning to let go of things that I no longer need, that harm me, and hold tight to the good. I am finally safe. The only person who can harm me now is me, and I will do all that is in my power to never do that.


I am in a weird kind of place. So difficult to describe. Something powerful is taking place. Thanks to all who have been supporting me in many ways. It means the world to me.

You truly are beginning the healing phase of ptsd

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I have been in a hotel for the past few nights and people are just LOUD.


Next door were these two guys blasting gangster rap about killing cops and abusing women. Then they kept calling each other the N-word, and I am guessing they were probably okay with it since they were laughing. (They were shouting it over the loud music.)


We complained to the front desk twice and I think these assholes were kicked out mid night last night. Same with a drunk lady who was singing in the hallway. But it's not like we chose a cheap hotel. This is $300 a night??? Yeah, not putting up with that crap for that kind of money.


Anyways, mood is alright I guess. Just sleep deprived...

I always struggle to sleep in a hotel and mine starts tomorrow. I hope now that the obnoxious crew is gone tonight will be better

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hubby and I had a little fight this morning. He said a couple hurtful things that angered me. He thought I said something hurtful, but all I asked for was more physical affection. He has a tendency sometimes to look at such things as an attack, so wages an often unreasonable counterattack. I will confess that last night I was angry that he didn't even say good night, so I did slam our bedroom door after saying good night to him and him barely responding. He was in his library.


We never fight for long. Maybe for 30 minutes I was in the bedroom while he stormed off to his library. Then I went downstairs and decorated our indoor wreath with fresh Christmasy flowers (in floral water tubes). I called upstairs telling him it looked good and to look at it when he came downstairs. He came right away and then gave me a big hug. Fight over. That's how it has pretty much been with the rare fights we've had. It was only ever bad twice, when I was manic, when once I went to my parent's house for a night and another time when I slept in my car. Even these only lasted less than 24 hours.

I’m sorry your husband hurt your feelings. When Steve and I have a argument it almost always short lived also. I tend to get my feelings hurt and I can’t help but cry and he often feels the need to defend himself immediately ,that’s how his first marriage was.

I’m glad you got a big hug.

Do you know why he doesn’t give you enough physical affection?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I slept last night. Two weird dreams. Kinda slow to wake up this morning. Took forever to catch up on the thread. Very nice day outside. Warm for Minnesota and the snow is melting, we might not have a white Christmas after all.

Yay for sleep !!!!!!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My husband is doing his usual running on empty/stressed-out/let's take it out on Beth mode. I just crushes my mood. I wish I could let his bad mood be his and not take it on like I do.

Can you work with your T on how to stop taking on that burden when it first appears?? Like how to shut him down ?

[~Christina]

Well I’m taking a break from packing it so boring.

I checked our weather down to Florida it appears it will all be taking place in the rain, which just annoys the snot out of me

I’ll be finished pack in the next 30 mins or so.

As a precaution I am taking along meds from my past ... Serokill (as WC likes to call it lol ) and Thorazine in case for some reason the shyt hits the fan and I need to really snow myself under.

I’ve never needed it , but take it just in case.

We will likely leave around 9 instead of closer to midnight.

The dogs saw me pull out the suitcases and started jumping all over the place , they love to travel.

[Nammu]

Today is the shortest day of the year. I may have to go out at the wh witching hour in my birthday suit and light a torch to be sure the sun finds its way back.

Christina did you pick the longest night of the year for your drive on purpose?

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

[Nammu]

Sending healing thoughts and vibes to you both innerzone.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You truly are beginning the healing phase of ptsd

I hope so. I feel vulnerable - extremely vulnerable - but also strong deep, deep down inside. It’s like someone peeled off all of my decaying skin. Hurts like a mf, but I sense the new skin growth will be beautiful and strong.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

You are both in my thoughts. Words fail. Sending comforting, healing vibes.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well I’m taking a break from packing it so boring.

I checked our weather down to Florida it appears it will all be taking place in the rain, which just annoys the snot out of me

I’ll be finished pack in the next 30 mins or so.

As a precaution I am taking along meds from my past ... Serokill (as WC likes to call it lol ) and Thorazine in case for some reason the shyt hits the fan and I need to really snow myself under.

I’ve never needed it , but take it just in case.

We will likely leave around 9 instead of closer to midnight.

The dogs saw me pull out the suitcases and started jumping all over the place , they love to travel.

Serokill - I love it! Wishing you safe travels and a holiday free from stress. I also hope your health issues take a back seat.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Well, crap--too much to catch up on...

Yay, I'm still here. I swapped my computer's operating system from macOS to Ubuntu Linux. That may not mean much to almost everyone, but my computer runs much faster. That's why I haven't been around. I've been setting up new programs and getting a whole lot geekier than I used to be. I still have a Mac laptop if I need it.


Things here are okay. We've had a run of a head virus two weeks ago but we're through that and ready for Christmas Eve. My daughter is working Christmas and her fiance is working Christmas Eve, but he'll be off early enough for dinner. We didn't get much for presents--we don't have any more room for things and we have way enough stuff to do as it is. The kids are downsizing for a move next year so they don't want anything they won't use. We got them a blender (they have everything else but not that), and individual cash gifts. My husband and I bought each other one gift each. We've kind of noticed overall that Christmas is rather subdued this year.


Emotionally--well, that's been a bit of a roller coaster with being sick physically. In addition to the virus I had a flareup of piriformis syndrome, so l literally have a pain in the butt. LOL Will be going to PT for that next year. I'm stable now so hopefully that will stick around. I see pnurse in a couple of weeks and will drop the Seroquel and Viibryd since I haven't needed them.

Happy holidays to those who participate. I send tidings of comfort and joy to those that need it. Lots of love to everyone.

Surprise! Here she is!
* little happy dance! *

I am grateful to read all is as well as it is there with you!
Wow! Switching over the programs must have been quite challenging!

My chiropractor called these types of challenges the "Piriformis Blues!"
I hope you will feel much better soon!

Don't be a stranger!!!

Lots of Love to You and to Yours!

[Wild Coyote]

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.[/QUOTE]

Thank goodness for texting and for Face Time!

I am so sorry for all you both are going through. Your son and you, both, are in a lot of pain. My heart goes out to you both.

It's very tough when losing so many and in such a short timeframe.

Offering vibes of peace and comfort.
My thoughts and my heart are with you, IZ.

I think you know you are always invited to PM if you ever so desire.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Today is the shortest day of the year. I may have to go out at the wh witching hour in my birthday suit and light a torch to be sure the sun finds its way back.


Christina did you pick the longest night of the year for your drive on purpose?

LOL !! I didn’t even think of that !!

Yep go get a moon tan just don’t freeze any body parts hehehe

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

Oh hun I’m so sorry

That’s a lot of loss in such a short amount of time for someone
Will he reach out for help ? You both are in my thoughts and comfort for you both

Are you feeling safe ?

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

You're in my thoughts for sure. Sending love and wishes for acceptance for your son as well. It must feel near impossible for him to process and accept what has occured in his life recently. It is such a blessing he has you to lean on during this confusing and difficult time.

Reading and enjoying everyone's posts:

@~Christina: That's so funny that your dogs get excited when they see the suitcases! How cute that they like to travel! Safe journey tonight!

@BirdDancer: Glad you and your husband make up quickly after spats. All couples fight.

@Innerzone: So sorry to hear of the rough time your son is having. So glad you are there for him! Sending good vibes.

@MarcusAurelius: Sorry to hear today didn't go well but i was happy to hear about the good time you had yesterday going out for breakfast with your co-workers. I hope you have more of these fun times!

@Wander: Sounds like you are doing some good therapeutic work. Good on ya!

@bluebicycle: Hope your hotel quiets down and you are able to get some quality zzzs.

My news is good. I broke into the 1400s in ratings in Scrabble for the first time! It's funny: now that i've abandoned studying and just play by my wits i am doing BETTER. I am the top-rated player in my division! Other than that i have been enjoying spending long quiet days with my dog in our cozy home. Had a stomach ache and headache today but it's not the end of the world.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

reading and enjoying everyone's posts:

@~christina: That's so funny that your dogs get excited when they see the suitcases! How cute that they like to travel! Safe journey tonight!

@birddancer: Glad you and your husband make up quickly after spats. All couples fight.

@innerzone: So sorry to hear of the rough time your son is having. So glad you are there for him! Sending good vibes.

@marcusaurelius: Sorry to hear today didn't go well but i was happy to hear about the good time you had yesterday going out for breakfast with your co-workers. I hope you have more of these fun times!

@wander: Sounds like you are doing some good therapeutic work. Good on ya!

@bluebicycle: Hope your hotel quiets down and you are able to get some quality zzzs.

My news is good. I broke into the 1400s in ratings in scrabble for the first time! It's funny: Now that i'!!ve abandoned studying and just play by my wits i am doing better. I am the top-rated player in my division! Other than that i have been enjoying spending long quiet days with my dog in our cozy home. Had a stomach ache and headache today but it's not the end of the world.

congratulations!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers. How traumatic for you both. Sending love, peace, hugs and light.

[Sunflower123]

I’ve been on the go every day this week and I’m worn out with no end in sight. Today was Christmas shopping, tomorrow is the symphony and Monday and Tuesday will be getting the house ready for a change of plans at the last minute. Christmas will now be at my house...large meal included. I’m fortunate the depression is gone.

Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh hun I’m so sorry

That’s a lot of loss in such a short amount of time for someone
Will he reach out for help ? You both are in my thoughts and comfort for you both

Are you feeling safe ?

He is against getting help.
My heart is wrenched inside-out, but I am safe.
Could not agree more that that is an overload. What's worse is that he's already had many times he's been in a bad way. He's also an alcoholic. It breaks my heart that he hurts so much.

[VerMOZZica]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Possible trigger:

Very, very, very rough night last night. Received a concerning text from my son and FaceTimed with him for about an hour and a half. He was suicidal and trying to drink himself to death. He has lost 3 (!) people to suicide in one month, which doesn't help his frame of mind. I don't want to go into detail, but I kind of need to get it out with people who understand. I especially lost it sobbing after we got off FaceTime. It was so very emotionally intense.

If you could keep my son in your thoughts, I'd very much appreciate it. He is in a very bad way.

I`ll keep your son in my thoughts. I really hope things get better for him soon and I hope you feel better soon too.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’ve been on the go every day this week and I’m worn out with no end in sight. Today was Christmas shopping, tomorrow is the symphony and Monday and Tuesday will be getting the house ready for a change of plans at the last minute. Christmas will now be at my house...large meal included. I’m fortunate the depression is gone.


Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I’m glad you have been out and about ! I think that is just part of staying stable for most of us, getting out of the house..

Hugs!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

He is against getting help.

My heart is wrenched inside-out, but I am safe.

Could not agree more that that is an overload. What's worse is that he's already had many times he's been in a bad way. He's also an alcoholic. It breaks my heart that he hurts so much.

I’m so very sorry.. I hope he has a moment of clarity and realizes he can and deserves some help. Many hugs my friend and keeping both you and your son in my thoughts