[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Just by replying and being a friend you're helping me. thank you I appreciate your kindness.


I'm basically doing everything I can, distractions, relaxation techniques, etc . It's hard when an altered sense of reality takes over me though. Right now I'm listening to music and just made a Christmas card to mail out to a friend. I have my cats relaxing with me. One is on me right now purring and snuggling

Glad I can help you

Your doing great with distractions !!!
What about making yourself a Mantra... ??? “Ok right now I’m feeling depressed/down/negative but I didnt feel like this X hours ago, I can handle this “

I dunno something like that .. maybe tape it to your bathroom mirror?! a place you can just go and read it outloud to yourself in the mirror

Just rambling here

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Glad you found some cute stuff

Ok waves are out. .....

How about the winds ? Like how birds coast in the air?!! downdrafts happen but the birds swing back up and hover/coast.

I’d use roller coasters analogy going up and down but they terrify me lol

The winds might work as might the roller coaster analogy (they don’t scare me). My DH suggested hot flushes (in place of ocean waves) as they also come and go in waves.

I’ll give the winds analogy a go. The idea of coasting/gliding in the wind sounds nice. Thanks for the suggestion. 😊

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

The winds might work as might the roller coaster analogy (they don’t scare me). My DH suggested hot flushes (in place of ocean waves) as they also come and go in waves.


I’ll give the winds analogy a go. The idea of coasting/gliding in the wind sounds nice. Thanks for the suggestion.

Your Welcome !!! I think your DH has a great idea too

[Fuzzybear]

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Glad I can help you

Your doing great with distractions !!!
What about making yourself a Mantra... ??? “Ok right now I’m feeling depressed/down/negative but I didnt feel like this X hours ago, I can handle this “

I dunno something like that .. maybe tape it to your bathroom mirror?! a place you can just go and read it outloud to yourself in the mirror

Just rambling here

Thanks, that's a good idea I was also thinking maybe I could write one that says "my meds aren't poison and they help me" so when I start believing they are I can look back at that to help bring me back to reality

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks, that's a good idea I was also thinking maybe I could write one that says "my meds aren't poison and they help me" so when I start believing they are I can look back at that to help bring me back to reality

That’s a great one

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m sorry things have taken a turn , again. There’s a few things you might not realize.

You recently had to get off Haldol because it causes vision problems... but The Haldol and your deciding to just get help was what allowed your mind to quiet. Now no Haldol? Of course your going to backslide and the world is going to tilt again.

What medication is being tried now? and yes “ tried “ is really what treating bipolar is all about ... “trying” meds to see if they fit or not

Your parents are always a trigger so lately your allowing them to be around you a lot more than when you are just in your home. Why even see them right now ? Especially right now?? How can that help you feel better/more stable??

I’m sorry your Pdoc isn’t showing when he says..defiantly ask him why he’s not showing.

If Christmas is a trigger for you then you are in the best place you can be.

You are in a safe place , safe place.

Take in a deep slow breath..

Coming off Haldol has certainly made things worse. Initially I refused Seroquel or Zyprexa as a replacement but since last night I have been taking Seroquel in 50 mg doses. It does help but sometimes gives me palpitations, restless legs, and of course weight gain.

Practically, my parents are very helpful by bringing in things I need. Still, it’s really about how scared I am about telling them to stay away as they will realise it’s them I’m trying to escape from st times. Sounds easy to tell them to go away but:

MAJOR TRIGGER

the man who abused me as child held me at knifepoint and sweared he’d kill me if I told my parents. So without consciously thinking of it I always protect my parents from knowing their contribution to my suffering. This is being dealt with in therapy (very carefully) and I am having more open conversations with them and have been pulling away more. Suddenly shutting them out would cause me harm as well so I must do it slowly.

Secondly, I was always abused on Christmas Day growing up so it just being Christmas sends me into a spin. This year is particularly bad. For me Christmas is all about my four nieces and nephews. I want to see them and play with them. The remainder of the day I will go for a swim then hide in hospital.

Thanks for your reply. No one is pressuring me to do anything so I can hide in hospital all week if I want. My Mum is my best friend so I will miss her. This situation is so ****ed up! I’m lucky I had the injection as my fight or flight is not engaging and despite my deep distress I feel close to calm. I’m just heartbroken and can’t stop crying.

Am I making any sense?

Perhaps me falling apart right now will force my family to see how I really am and how much damage has been done. All I know is that I’m done pretending. Right now being real is scary, and hurts like hell, but I have hope I am venting feelings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This could lead to the deeper healing I long for.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Wander

Coming off Haldol has certainly made things worse. Initially I refused Seroquel or Zyprexa as a replacement but since last night I have been taking Seroquel in 50 mg doses. It does help but sometimes gives me palpitations, restless legs, and of course weight gain.


Practically, my parents are very helpful by bringing in things I need. Still, it’s really about how scared I am about telling them to stay away as they will realise it’s them I’m trying to escape from st times. Sounds easy to tell them to go away but:


MAJOR TRIGGER


the man who abused me as child held me at knifepoint and sweared he’d kill me if I told my parents. So without consciously thinking of it I always protect my parents from knowing their contribution to my suffering. This is being dealt with in therapy (very carefully) and I am having more open conversations with them and have been pulling away more. Suddenly shutting them out would cause me harm as well so I must do it slowly.


Secondly, I was always abused on Christmas Day growing up so it just being Christmas sends me into a spin. This year is particularly bad. For me Christmas is all about my four nieces and nephews. I want to see them and play with them. The remainder of the day I will go for a swim then hide in hospital.


Thanks for your reply. No one is pressuring me to do anything so I can hide in hospital all week if I want. My Mum is my best friend so I will miss her. This situation is so ****ed up! I’m lucky I had the injection as my fight or flight is not engaging and despite my deep distress I feel close to calm. I’m just heartbroken and can’t stop crying.


Am I making any sense?


Perhaps me falling apart right now will force my family to see how I really am and how much damage has been done. All I know is that I’m done pretending. Right now being real is scary, and hurts like hell, but I have hope I am venting feelings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This could lead to the deeper healing I long for.

I’m sorry you lived through such horror..

Sometimes we truly have to hit the bottom and then another drop before we can truly start to piece out self back together.

I understand your not wanting to hurt your parents but as the airlines safety protocol goes... you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help anyone else.

My advice is take whatever meds needed right now to get you back on your feet.. Start picking up the pieces, as for your parents finally seeing you in such bad shape ?? They may never understand how shattered you are... it’s hard for us to understand ourselves.. so how can we expect others to ??? We can’t, all you can do it get yourself back together.

You will get through this horrible episode in your life. As bleak as it all seems now , you will feel better.

Go easy on yourself and certainly enjoy your AC

[scatterbrained04]

Just checking in, it's been awhile. Have been pretty stable though contending with triggers every once in a while. Still struggling with tiredness and loss of motivation, some of which might be because of the change in weather. Strongly considering buying a light box to see if that will help. Work is still stressful mostly because we have some unreliable staff, but I'm hanging in there. Today is my last day working, and then I'm off work until after New Years. Using the rest of my vacation to take an end of the year hiatus. I'm hoping I won't have to work on my vacation but might have to do a couple things. Either way, it'll be nice to get a break from the office for a bit. Plan is to get some work done around my house during that time. With having the loss of motivation and tiredness not much is getting done and it has piled up!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

Coming off Haldol has certainly made things worse. Initially I refused Seroquel or Zyprexa as a replacement but since last night I have been taking Seroquel in 50 mg doses. It does help but sometimes gives me palpitations, restless legs, and of course weight gain.

Practically, my parents are very helpful by bringing in things I need. Still, it’s really about how scared I am about telling them to stay away as they will realise it’s them I’m trying to escape from st times. Sounds easy to tell them to go away but:

MAJOR TRIGGER

the man who abused me as child held me at knifepoint and sweared he’d kill me if I told my parents. So without consciously thinking of it I always protect my parents from knowing their contribution to my suffering. This is being dealt with in therapy (very carefully) and I am having more open conversations with them and have been pulling away more. Suddenly shutting them out would cause me harm as well so I must do it slowly.

Secondly, I was always abused on Christmas Day growing up so it just being Christmas sends me into a spin. This year is particularly bad. For me Christmas is all about my four nieces and nephews. I want to see them and play with them. The remainder of the day I will go for a swim then hide in hospital.

Thanks for your reply. No one is pressuring me to do anything so I can hide in hospital all week if I want. My Mum is my best friend so I will miss her. This situation is so ****ed up! I’m lucky I had the injection as my fight or flight is not engaging and despite my deep distress I feel close to calm. I’m just heartbroken and can’t stop crying.

Am I making any sense?

Perhaps me falling apart right now will force my family to see how I really am and how much damage has been done. All I know is that I’m done pretending. Right now being real is scary, and hurts like hell, but I have hope I am venting feelings, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. This could lead to the deeper healing I long for.

Hey Wander. Yes, you are making complete sense. You experienced a truly horrible series of violations and you should have been protected from these actions. You were only a child. Your parents failed you whether they k ow it or not.

I understand wanting to protect your parents from the pain they would feel by knowing the truth. However, it seems you spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to hide a truth that is eating away from the inside out. Is it fair for you to continue to suffer in this way to protect them? Is this what they would want if they could choose? I am a parent and I would take on any amount of my child's pain if sharing their truth helped them to heal.

It seems your parents are kind and loving people. It seems they truly want to help in your effort to experience balance and wellness. In your father's case specifically it seems he struggles to understand why you are affected to the level that you are. He is flying blind and I imagine he would be more effective if someone removed his blindfold.

Is it possible that your parents would be able to offer the right kind of support if you allowed your treatment team to work with you and give them the basics of the situation? They might be more inclined to offer the space you need. They might even offer their heartfelt apology for not providing the protection you deserved as a child. They might offer validation and understanding. You'll never know if you cannot trust them enough to love you through your truth.

I realize the pain of the truth would be a rough experience for your parents. However, as a family member who watched a loved one suffer like this once, not understanding and not knowing how to truly help is an incredibly painful experience. You feel completely helpless and it is its own kind of Hell. Your parents are there now watching you suffer this way. Knowing why it is occuring may go a long way to generate understanding and healing on both sides. I know it would be a painful process, but you've tried everything else. This emotional wound isn't getting better with meds and traditional treatment.

Only you know what's best, but I offer this as an outsider who cares. I have memories of abuse in my past. They surfaced recently and contributed to the break that almost destroyed my life. I was honest with my father about it, but I haven't told my mother. She has experienced mental breakdowns like my own and I am afraid telling her might shatter her mind again. I'm sorting through the best way to navigate this in therapy. I say all this to explain that I realize how incredibly hard this all is and you have my support no matter how you proceed. Huge hugs to you. You're safe now and you will find your way.

[Wander]

Thanks @christina and @fern46

Just saw my pdoc. He was very helpful and caring. As I’m very high risk tonight he has just given me 15 mg Olanzapine and 2.5 mg Lorazepam. He will check on me in 1.5 hours. If I’m still at risk he is sending me to a state hospital with a locked ward. He said he wants to do everything to avoid that but my life is most important.

The lucky part is I am utterly exhausted and don’t know if I have the strength to run away and play hide and seek with the police. I would have already run away if I had the energy.

I have more to say but am not up to it. If I go silent then you can guess I have been locked up.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks @christina and @fern46

Just saw my pdoc. He was very helpful and caring. As I’m very high risk tonight he has just given me 15 mg Olanzapine and 2.5 mg Lorazepam. He will check on me in 1.5 hours. If I’m still at risk he is sending me to a state hospital with a locked ward. He said he wants to do everything to avoid that but my life is most important.

The lucky part is I am utterly exhausted and don’t know if I have the strength to run away and play hide and seek with the police. I would have already run away if I had the energy.

I have more to say but am not up to it. If I go silent then you can guess I have been locked up.

Sending much love and support your way.

[yellow_fleurs]

Wander I am thinking of you. I am so sorry you experienced that as a child it makes me want to cry. I imagine since your parents love you they'd want to help you in any way possible even if it was painful to hear. I hope you don't have to go to a locked ward, but want you to stay safe.

Sending many warm hugs to you, Wander

Today was interesting to say the least. Instead of work we all skipped and went out and got breakfast. LOL. Literally we kind of played the system a bit – in training you have so many hours you can miss before you are eligible for separation. Well, those hours fall off once training ends, which ends today. So, when talking to our trainer to confirm that is the case, we all took the day off (we worked 2-3 hours just to not seem so rude lol) and celebrated together. It was a lot of fun. We ate breakfast and spent time together until the end of our shift time. Loved it. Really made feel better about everything going on in my life. I’m glad for that. At least for a little while, I feel good.

[bpcyclist]

Sending you support and love, Wander.

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Today was interesting to say the least. Instead of work we all skipped and went out and got breakfast. LOL. Literally we kind of played the system a bit – in training you have so many hours you can miss before you are eligible for separation. Well, those hours fall off once training ends, which ends today. So, when talking to our trainer to confirm that is the case, we all took the day off (we worked 2-3 hours just to not seem so rude lol) and celebrated together. It was a lot of fun. We ate breakfast and spent time together until the end of our shift time. Loved it. Really made feel better about everything going on in my life. I’m glad for that. At least for a little while, I feel good.

Yea!! Every bit counts! Enjoy!

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks @christina and @fern46

Just saw my pdoc. He was very helpful and caring. As I’m very high risk tonight he has just given me 15 mg Olanzapine and 2.5 mg Lorazepam. He will check on me in 1.5 hours. If I’m still at risk he is sending me to a state hospital with a locked ward. He said he wants to do everything to avoid that but my life is most important.

The lucky part is I am utterly exhausted and don’t know if I have the strength to run away and play hide and seek with the police. I would have already run away if I had the energy.

I have more to say but am not up to it. If I go silent then you can guess I have been locked up.

You're in my thoughts, Wander. Staying safe is priority #1.

Two of my pairs of regular eyeglasses were lost in the great abyss a number of weeks back. I couldn't take it anymore, so ordered two pairs online today. They're much cheaper online than in shops. I was able to order an exact replacement for my favorite pair that disappeared, plus a somewhat similar second one.

The plans for Christmas were really up in the air. My sister and I sort of agreed for us all to eat lunch with Dad at the assisted living place on Christmas day. I know that sounds sad, but it's a bit complex. But then my father was sort of ruining the idea. He has his mind set on a standing beef rib roast. He wanted to have it at his house, which he hasn't been to in a couple months. My brother lives there, and the place, especially the kitchen and dining room, are disaster areas because of my brother's messiness. Plus, my brother has been so stressed that he doesn't have it in him to be a cook for such a dinner. Bro has been through a lot these past few months, including congestive heart failure. My brother needs to be only a guest, not a host.

My husband refuses for me to host more than three guests at our house (preferably two max), so I came up with a solution. I talked to my brother and suggested that I would have him and Dad over to my house this Sunday for a standing beef rib roast. That excludes my sister and nephew (my b-i-l never joins our get togethers, ever), but that's the only way my husband agrees to this. Then we want to do the lunch at the assisted living on Christmas day. All of us. Then, I will take my sister and nephew out for lunch sometime between Christmas and New Years.

At first my brother was asking if the dinner at my house could be Christmas Eve, but that's not an option. Hubby and I only ever want Christmas Eve alone together. As a Czech, Christmas Eve is more significant for my husband than even Christmas. It's too long of a thing to explain.

My sister can't host a Christmas dinner. Her house is nearly a hoarding house. Only my house is clean and neat. I understand my husband's reasoning behind not wanting more than two people as guests. It's complex.

[Blue_Bird]

So the past 2 weeks were a mess. Depression, agitation, psychosis, lack of sleep, Sui thoughts,,.. but today I woke up feeling so much better, it's close to a week since my thorazine was increased and it has kicked in thankfully. I was really scared yesterday, scared of myself and for myself, I was also worried I'd end up in the hospital.. which I've avoided for 3 years and of course don't want to have to go again, but I would of if things had continued to get worse.

It really feels amazing, my thinking is so much more clear and rational, I didn't expect to wake up to feeling so much better but I was hopeful.

Also, this afternoon I received some good news regarding moving into a new apartment. I'm so happy that I will finally be able to move to somewhere nicer and more affordable. And it's the place where the person who owns the complex works with you and your care manager, psychiatrist, and therapist to keep you on track, mentally healthy So you have a meeting like once or twice a month with him to go over how things are going for you and what your goals are, etc. Otherwise you're totally independent, it's really a nice program

Very excited for the new year

[xRavenx]

I had therapy today, and I am uncertain how I feel about this new therapist. It was only the second session. She is extremely structured and wants me to start a therapy journal where I don't just write down my thoughts, but do homework. She kept asking me to come up with positive thoughts, but she doesn't understand that it is hard to do that when all you are thinking is negative all the time and for a prolonged period of time. She also observed that my affect is very flat (which it is lately). She sits behind a big desk, rather than in a chair across from me. Usually in the beginning, I respond better to someone that listens more (initially) instead of being so quick to come up with "solutions" that aren't actually solutions for someone who is in an episode and is just starting therapy again for the first time in a long time. Just felt like letting this out. Not sure whether I should find a new T or give this one a chance. I know she means well and is trying to give me a push, but I just wish someone would listen and try to understand.

Originally Posted by xRavenx

I had therapy today, and I am uncertain how I feel about this new therapist. It was only the second session. She is extremely structured and wants me to start a therapy journal where I don't just write down my thoughts, but do homework. She kept asking me to come up with positive thoughts, but she doesn't understand that it is hard to do that when all you are thinking is negative all the time and for a prolonged period of time. She also observed that my affect is very flat (which it is lately). She sits behind a big desk, rather than in a chair across from me. Usually in the beginning, I respond better to someone that listens more (initially) instead of being so quick to come up with "solutions" that aren't actually solutions for someone who is in an episode and is just starting therapy again for the first time in a long time. Just felt like letting this out. Not sure whether I should find a new T or give this one a chance. I know she means well and is trying to give me a push, but I just wish someone would listen and try to understand.

xRavenx, I think your post above is full of very valuable points of discussion between you and your new therapist. I know it may seem a little scary to discuss some of what you wrote with her, but it is important. The worst that could happen is that she would say that you and she are not a good fit. The best thing is that she could be a bit more understanding and modify her approach a bit, that would be helpful for you. Getting such things out in the open can be liberating, even if they feel frightening to voice, at first.

If the worst is the case, then you would know it was time to look for a new therapist. The very worst situation, in my view, is wasting time with a therapist that cannot or will not help you.

I want to mention just a little thing based on what you wrote. I have never had a therapist sit behind a desk. I have had a couple therapists and psychiatrists sit at their desk, but not with the desk blocking my view of half of their bodies. I wouldn't like a person behind a desk, either. I remember years back that my psychiatrist would sit at his desk, though the desk wasn't in between us. He was in his office chair, and I was sitting in the uncomfortable wooden chair near it. One time, a couple years later, I told him that I hated the wooden chair and that I thought it was like a torture device. In response, he told me to sit anywhere I wanted in his office. He had many seating options, including a huge leather sofa. Well, I sat my butt right smack in the middle of that sofa, and he moved from his desk to a comfy looking chair that was just across from me. We've been sitting in these spots ever since. Happily!

[wildflowerchild25]

Hi all. Haven’t updated in a few days. I’ve been completely exhausted this whole week. So much so that I took Thursday off and slept from eight am until 2p. I was falling asleep at work all week and then would come home and fall into bed. I don’t know why. I guess it was just the last week before Winter break. But it’s over now, thank goodness. The kids were ******* awful today. They can’t handle not having any structure. My kid was out of his mind after having two really good days. It was so frustrating. And then I had to attend a holiday party. I really just wanted to go home. But thankfully they did let us out early.

I got all my sons presents wrapped and I bought the stocking stuffers. Got my MIL a gift and my SIL a card for here cash (she likes getting her nails done). I wanted to buy a picture frame but forgot what size the pictures were so I’m going to try again tomorrow.

We have a holiday party two hours away with RS’s family tomorrow. I’m not really looking forward to it. They’re nice people but I don’t know them very well. It is a secret Santa type thing. I guess it’ll be ok.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Two of my pairs of regular eyeglasses were lost in the great abyss a number of weeks back. I couldn't take it anymore, so ordered two pairs online today. They're much cheaper online than in shops. I was able to order an exact replacement for my favorite pair that disappeared, plus a somewhat similar second one.


The plans for Christmas were really up in the air. My sister and I sort of agreed for us all to eat lunch with Dad at the assisted living place on Christmas day. I know that sounds sad, but it's a bit complex. But then my father was sort of ruining the idea. He has his mind set on a standing beef rib roast. He wanted to have it at his house, which he hasn't been to in a couple months. My brother lives there, and the place, especially the kitchen and dining room, are disaster areas because of my brother's messiness. Plus, my brother has been so stressed that he doesn't have it in him to be a cook for such a dinner. Bro has been through a lot these past few months, including congestive heart failure. My brother needs to be only a guest, not a host.


My husband refuses for me to host more than three guests at our house (preferably two max), so I came up with a solution. I talked to my brother and suggested that I would have him and Dad over to my house this Sunday for a standing beef rib roast. That excludes my sister and nephew (my b-i-l never joins our get togethers, ever), but that's the only way my husband agrees to this. Then we want to do the lunch at the assisted living on Christmas day. All of us. Then, I will take my sister and nephew out for lunch sometime between Christmas and New Years.


At first my brother was asking if the dinner at my house could be Christmas Eve, but that's not an option. Hubby and I only ever want Christmas Eve alone together. As a Czech, Christmas Eve is more significant for my husband than even Christmas. It's too long of a thing to explain.


My sister can't host a Christmas dinner. Her house is nearly a hoarding house. Only my house is clean and neat. I understand my husband's reasoning behind not wanting more than two people as guests. It's complex.

My daughter is also able to get her glasses on line much cheaper , she has lots of cute pairs.

Oh hun... I swear your situation is so complex when it comes to holiday get togethers it sounds like your trying to herd cats I hope you can get it sorted out and come up with a game plan that doesn’t knock you off track

Go easy on yourself each and every way you can

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

So the past 2 weeks were a mess. Depression, agitation, psychosis, lack of sleep, Sui thoughts,,.. but today I woke up feeling so much better, it's close to a week since my thorazine was increased and it has kicked in thankfully. I was really scared yesterday, scared of myself and for myself, I was also worried I'd end up in the hospital.. which I've avoided for 3 years and of course don't want to have to go again, but I would of if things had continued to get worse.


It really feels amazing, my thinking is so much more clear and rational, I didn't expect to wake up to feeling so much better but I was hopeful.


Also, this afternoon I received some good news regarding moving into a new apartment. I'm so happy that I will finally be able to move to somewhere nicer and more affordable. And it's the place where the person who owns the complex works with you and your care manager, psychiatrist, and therapist to keep you on track, mentally healthy So you have a meeting like once or twice a month with him to go over how things are going for you and what your goals are, etc. Otherwise you're totally independent, it's really a nice program


Very excited for the new year

Oh I am so happy to read this !!! Wonderful news on being able to move. Will be a great year for you