[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Wander

This morning I was hoping to have leave to go to the beach with my parents and niece. Unfortunately, and annoyingly. my pdoc hasn't shown up or called to give me leave so I am stuck in hospital. It is only 7.30 am but the sea breeze is coming in at midday cooling the air and whipping up waves. Not fun for snorkelling.

I feel so isolated. I have been IP for three weeks now. It seems I had a paradoxical reaction to the injection so it made my PTSD worse. I have been a mess. I am trying to be strong, and think positively but I am still drowning. I sucks that I will be IP on Christmas Day, but hopefully I will be allowed out for a bit. Hopefully I will be discharged after Christmas too. My pdoc wants to monitor me over the Christmas period to make sure I am safe. I just don't want to spend NYE in here as well.

I think I am improving. I feel my biggest problem is my social isolation. I have few friends, and those I rarely catch up with. I have no job to go to and be around people, and am not currently studying. So, most of my time is spent alone. Too much time to think. I do have a wonderful family, but they are also my greatest trigger. However, some great therapeutic work has made it much easier to be around them. I am really looking forward to Christmas and seeing my family. I feel so alone in my hospital room for hours on end. My heart aches with grief from my past, but it is good grief. A healing kind of grief. Next year is the beginning of a new decade. I have hope it is the beginning of the best phase of my life. Even though I still have strong SI I am fighting to make that true.

I am really glad you seem to be feeling a bit better--that is fantastic. Sorry your doc didn't show, but it sounds like conditions aren't great at the beach anyway.

I once spent a very long time in the hospital. Considerably more than a year. A lot more. I had one regular visitor the entire time I was there. Very grateful for him. Holidays were tough. But I made myself get busy. I wrote a book. I read many books. I exercised, even if it just meant walking the halls. I tried to get to know the staff, at least the nice ones. And most were nice. I also did what you are doing and kept in touch with people by web or text. All those things together helped me make it through.

The other thing I would suggest to you is to try to remember when you can that this is a long-term thing, not a short-term thing. Meaning, yes, it sucks that you will be in-hospital over Christmas, but you are making an investment in your future right now. What you are doing is important. So, don't forget that when you get down about being isolated in the hospital at the moment. This is just a chapter, not the whole book.

[Wander]

Thank you. I needed to hear that. It is incredibly lonely, but as you have said there are many things I can do to occupy and improve myself. Going through a lot of this alone at a time when most people talk of all the fantastic socialising they are doing is tough, but it’s making me tougher. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m gathering my bearings then I’m going to head for the stars. Sure my mind keeps telling me to give up, but I refuse. I’ve made it through 43 years, most of which has been hell, and I plan on sky diving for my 100th B’day.

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

That sounds like a fantastic meal. When you get time, which may be awhile, as you are clearly swamped, I was just wondering what kinds of peppers you put in that salad. I don't think I have ever heard of that combination in a salad before--it sounds interesting.

The meal did turn out well. It was a very pleasant get together and Dad seemed to really appreciate it. I asked him to mash the potatoes. He was always the one to do it in the past. He had a nice smile when he was doing it.

I'm basically obsessed with cucumber tomato salad. I serve some form of it at least a few times per week, because I love it and it's easy and quick. The rendition I made today was also easy. I simply added fresh yellow and orange bell pepper chunks for extra color. Usually I make my cucumber tomato salad (and always onion) with mayo and either tarragon or some other herb plus salt/pepper. When I add bell peppers, I usually use an herb (basil, oregano, parsley) vinaigrette with evoo and red wine vinegar. I didn't add feta cheese, but if I did, it would be a Czech Šopský salát, which is really based on one from Balkan regions further south (former Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, Romania). Kalamata olives are good in that, too.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Wander, I am so sorry you have to spend Christmas IP. I did once too and while it was hard it was also good for me because I was just too sick to handle the whole family thing. I think if I had tried to do the routine I would have carried out my active plan.

But.......here's my hope for you. I got out about Dec. 30 and while I had a long way to go and was on a complicated safety plan for a long time the next year changed things for me forever. I had bad PTSD that was compounding my bipolar so much and in the months after the hospital I was able to reach a point I could handle an intense PTSD therapy (a type of exposure therapy). It was very hard and took me much longer and many more sessions to get through it than the average person but I did it and I survived and PTSD has not been a major player for me since. Even when my father died this year (an abuser) the PTSD was mild, something I truly didn't expect. I just learned the coping skills I needed and they work.

I hope the same happens for you and that things turn around for you and stay that way. There is hope.

[~Christina]

Well our normal trip down is 13 hours .. this one ...17.5 hours !!!

Rain never stopped and it’s still coming down.

I have never seen so many accidents I lost count after 28 ! Some were just a tragedy, we saw blue tarps covering cars at least 10 different accidents. Some wrecks where slammed into trees down an embankment. It’s heart breaking knowing someone has lost there life. The roads were horrible. So many people where just driving like lunatics, weaving in and out..

I honestly am surprised we didn’t get into an accident.

Not that anyone will care but I’m sending letters to both Alabama and Georgia about how unbelievably horrid and dangerous the roads were. I’ll feel better at least getting it off my chest.

I just saw pictures of that massive wreck in Virginia , it looked like a war zone !!!! Very very bad day to be on the roads.

[Pookyl]

Just popping in to wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I’m doing well bipolar wise. I plan to try kick anxiety’s butt this Christmas - or it at least keep it under control - with the help of Valium.
We are heading off by car interstate on Boxing Day (26th) and I’ll again need Valium.
I always get really anxious before and during a big trip that involves visiting lots of friends who don’t get bipolar. I love my friends but they all prefer hypomanic/manic me and I’m decidedly ‘normal’ at the moment.

Lots of hugs and support to those who need it.

See you in the new year!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad you made it safe Christina.

[Pookyl]

My son got back to us after we had been trying to get hold of him for 48hrs. He seemed surprised that I’d been worried about him - he just doesn’t get it.
Anywho I’m relieved that he’s ok.

[Wander]

Managed to get a few hours leave from IP. My parents took my niece and I swimming at the beach. My niece is 11 and full of energy and joy. Some of which rubbed off on me. So that mixed with being immersed in the Indian Ocean lifted my mood, and gave me hope.

Now I have 11 hours till bedtime to kill. Concentration is bad, but I might try a book and/or Netflix. At least I have the internet in here. Very lucky I’m in a private hospital. Well that’s what I pay insurance for. State hospitals are very depressing places with nothing to do but jigsaw puzzles and drawing, or worse, being tied to a bed. My pdoc almost got me locked up last Friday but instead went for the chemical restraint then see how I was on Sat.

My heart goes out to all on PC struggling this Christmas. Sending comforting vibes to all who need them. Stay safe. I will try to be on PC so PM me or start a post if you need a distraction.

[Blue_Bird]

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

What an awful way to feel and experience. Definitely try to talk to a good person ASAP. I’m the meantime do what you can to stay safe. I find curling in a ball in bed is my safe place but we’re all different.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

Oh, dear. I feel for you. I am very concerned about you.

Yes, you do work hard to stay positive.
Sometimes, we just cannot feel very positive, no matter how hard we try. Depression is very real and we often cannot override it. That's when its time to reach out, to share just as you are doing.,

I hope you have an opportunity to talk with your sister. She seems to be very close to you.

I am sorry, I know nothing about thorazine. Someone will likely come along and will give you feedback.

I hope your staying comfortable, feeling some comfort , peace and joy!!!

We are hear for you!
Please do let us know just how to best help you?

Much Love to You!!!! :

[Scooter9]

My eldest son came to visit for the holidays!

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

I hope you do reach out to your sister. You need the support and comfort. I hope as the holidays approach that your depression will ease.

Take care. We care about you here.

[bpcyclist]

Oh, Blue_Bird, my heart aches for your pain. I hope you tell your pdoc soon what is going on, so she/he can maybe make a move of some kind to help you out. Sending you support and positive vibes and love and strength. Please don't give up. This misery will pass. And you will feel better.

[Tucson]

Well, this is interesting news. A past friend has been made Bishop of the Roman Catholic Church by the Pope. This is a good man. I do need all the help I can get to get in Upstairs, The Great Beyond. LOL I do not want to find the door locked. Anyway, I cannot sleep, so I am listening to some music, and posting here. I ran across some Kolachi, a Slovakian pastry that my grandmother used to make when I was very young. I found it in Walmart of all places. I am trying to resist in eating all of them at once. I am taking piano lessons. I want to be able to play the piano once again. My friend may be getting some money from one of his clients this week. If he does, he will hire me, but the first two weeks with him will be fun time. I cannot imagine what is possible with him and money. But then I heard this before many times. His client is not reliable. My daughter s pregnant with her second child. She will have her hands full. As it is now, she has a one year old and work at a grocery store. I guess her boyfriend will have to step up to his increasing responsibilities. I just hope it works out for the two of them.

[bpcyclist]

Well, took some emergency Zyprexa last night to try to get some more sleep and did sleep from maybe 9ish to maybe 4ish AM or thereabout. Unheard of, but totally chemically-induced. I don't care. I simply have to try to get caught up on sleep somehow or I am going to be psychotic and manic and in the hospital again.

Still, feeling a bit flat. Really wish I was capable of laughing and smiling more. Maybe I will practice it, as was suggested in my thread on this. Practice makes perfect.

Going to go exercise. We have had massive rains and flooding. Record rainfall, which for here, is saying something. It is dry out there right now, so might be a good time to go. Might make me feel better.

Sending strength to those in need this time of year. Stressful time. Hang in there, everybody!!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

Hey Blue_Bird, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You do try incredibly hard to be mindful of your thoughts and emotions. It can be very hard to get there and stay there when you have other thoughts affecting you at the same time. I think a discussion with your sister sounds like a wonderful plan.

In my mind positivity and negativity are equal opposites on a spectrum. Traveling from one to another can occur in several ways. Sometimes I can jump from one to the other with a little effort on my part. However, sometimes I just feel stuck and I stay in the same place for a while. Whether it is positive or negative, too much of either has an effect on me of imbalance. At these times I find it easier to create movement if I attempt my goal by making incremental changes. If I were in a dark place I might first seek slightly less dark. Next, I might lighten things up a bit more. After that, I'd try to achieve neutrality. From there, I can gently start working the positive self talk and thoughts back in that my mind would have instantly rejected if I tried them when I was too far down.

If one was in a self hate mode this might look something like...
Self hate -> Self pity -> Self acceptance -> Self forgiveness -> Self love

If I were in an unhealthy narcissistic Self love state I might go the other way and forgive myself and then accept myself. I'd skip the last two steps in that case becsuse the goal at that point would be to experience balance.

This may not resonate or be feasible for you at this time. I wanted to toss it out in case it helps to make a seemingly impossible journey feel slightly less impossible. Much love to you. We're all here should you need us.

[Blue_Bird]

Thank you so much for the support everyone. I'll reply in more detail later today

[wildflowerchild25]

I still don’t feel well, just a sore throat still and pretty exhausted. I made fudge but it didn’t turn out right. But I’m not remaking it. I made chocolate chip cookies too. I still have to make lemon cookies, ginger cookies, and sugar cookies (but I cheated for those, I got the pre-made, pre-sliced dough ). The sugar cookies are for my son to decorate. I used to make gingerbread cookies, cut them out and decorate with icing and sprinkle, but that’s too much for me this year, especially with being sick. So he can put sprinkles on the sugar cookies.

I’m trying not to go out today but I think I’ll have to. I need powdered sugar and I NEED to go to the dollar store and see if they even have anything left. I need containers for cookies and fudge.

I need to take a nap is what I need to do. Maybe I’ll feel more motivated if I can lie down for awhile.

Originally Posted by Tucson

Well, this is interesting news. A past friend has been made Bishop of the Roman Catholic Church by the Pope. This is a good man. I do need all the help I can get to get in Upstairs, The Great Beyond. LOL I do not want to find the door locked. Anyway, I cannot sleep, so I am listening to some music, and posting here. I ran across some Kolachi, a Slovakian pastry that my grandmother used to make when I was very young. I found it in Walmart of all places. I am trying to resist in eating all of them at once. I am taking piano lessons. I want to be able to play the piano once again. My friend may be getting some money from one of his clients this week. If he does, he will hire me, but the first two weeks with him will be fun time. I cannot imagine what is possible with him and money. But then I heard this before many times. His client is not reliable. My daughter s pregnant with her second child. She will have her hands full. As it is now, she has a one year old and work at a grocery store. I guess her boyfriend will have to step up to his increasing responsibilities. I just hope it works out for the two of them.

I don't know how to say "Bon Apetit" in Slovak, so I will write it in Czech, if you don't mind. It's surely somewhat similar.

"Dobrou chuť"

Enjoy the cookies! I have made them, but based on a Hungarian recipe. I know they are yummy!

All the best with your piano lessons and congrats on your upcoming new grandchild.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Depressed and essentially non functional. Idk if it's just me or if it's the Thorazine. Either way I feel horrible

Possible trigger:

and want to die

I try so hard to be positive but lately it's hard. Maybe I'll talk to my sister about it tomorrow.

Sorry to hear bluebird....it could be the meds, Newtus was having the same trouble on haldol which makes me wonder about those classic APs. They don’t have the same range of activity as an atypical but I wonder if there’s more to it. Please get help as soon as possible....don’t you have an appointment today?

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Wander, I am so sorry you have to spend Christmas IP. I did once too and while it was hard it was also good for me because I was just too sick to handle the whole family thing. I think if I had tried to do the routine I would have carried out my active plan.

But.......here's my hope for you. I got out about Dec. 30 and while I had a long way to go and was on a complicated safety plan for a long time the next year changed things for me forever. I had bad PTSD that was compounding my bipolar so much and in the months after the hospital I was able to reach a point I could handle an intense PTSD therapy (a type of exposure therapy). It was very hard and took me much longer and many more sessions to get through it than the average person but I did it and I survived and PTSD has not been a major player for me since. Even when my father died this year (an abuser) the PTSD was mild, something I truly didn't expect. I just learned the coping skills I needed and they work.

I hope the same happens for you and that things turn around for you and stay that way. There is hope.

Incredibly beautiful!

[Moose72]

I spent yesterday with one of my best friends. We watched Amazon Prime at her place and took her dog on a long trail at the park. Then we went to a sushi/ramen restaurant. This lady next to us was eating sushi and was clearly pregnant- I though sushi is on the "no" list for pregnant people. My ramen had chicken and was spicey. They kept my water glass full- one of my pet peeves is waiting 10 minues to get something more to drink at a restaurant. Maybe I'm just snobby. We also binged most of a series on Amazon prime- I just forget the name at the moment.

@~Christina I'm so glad to read that you're safe and sound after that horrific drive!

I got a faux down comforter for Christmas. I opened it 3 nights ago when I got it because I knew what it was and wanted to sleep with it TODAY! Lol. I wont tell the person who got it for me that I cheated and opened it early. In fact I cant think of a time Ive opened a present early like that except when I was a kid and my parents would let us would let us open one small present on Christmas eve night.

Well, going to go get n3 from work. N2 cleaned the whole apartment yesterday! Wow!

*Waves at everybody!*

[Blue_Bird]

Thank you everyone for all the support, fern, wander, wild coyote,bird dancer, bpcyclist, SP, and anyone else I'm missing, it means a lot to me

I ended up seeing my therapist and my doctor today so my wellbutrin was increased a bit. I'm hoping that it's helpful. My doctor said we'll take things slow and see how it goes, since I've had a rough few months of mania then depression. My therapist gave me some helpful articles and also a flyer for their crisis center in case I start doing really bad and if it's not business hours/days I have someone to talk to/someplace to go. I feel a little more hopeful.

I'm very thankful to have good friends here on PC and supportive people, it's extremely helpful especially since I've felt like I'm alone in the world lately.
Thank you guys